Despite having told them he didn’t want anything, Hawke handed him a sandwich and a bag of chips. “I know you said you didn’t want anything, and this probably isn’t great, but it’s bound to be better than whatever they’ve been giving you.”
Justin set the food aside without meeting anyone’s gaze. He was afraid if anyone looked at him too closely, he’d fall apart. “Thank you.”
“When will Von be here?”
Justin kept his gaze locked on the opposite wall as he answered Jamie’s question. “Never.”
“What?” Jamie sounded every bit as incredulous as a friend should. Justin couldn’t feel anything past the pain. His eyes stung and his chest hurt. He’d never felt emptier in his life. “You’re in the hospital and you need him right now. Is there not a protocol in place for players who have family emergencies?”
“It doesn’t matter.” Justin clutched the sheets and prayed he wouldn’t cry. If he’d ever felt lower, he couldn’t remember it. “I’m not family. Plus…” He swallowed. The words were on his tongue and once they fell, they’d be out there—in the universe and killing him. Justin took a breath. There was no avoiding it. “He dumped me.”
Jamie sucked in an audible breath. “What. The. Actual. Fuck?”
Justin still couldn’t look at anyone. “I think I’d kind of like to go to sleep now.”
Hawke moved his chair closer to the bed. “You do that,” he said, rubbing Justin’s arm and almost tearing apart the last seam holding Justin together. “We’ll be here when you wake up.”
Justin closed his eyes and prayed he wouldn’t wake at all. “Thanks. I’m sorry I’m not better company.”
“Fuck that,” Jamie muttered. “Just go to sleep.”
The instant Justin’s eyes opened, reality slammed into his chest. There was no slow build-up—a moment of peace before he remembered. Everything he’d lost and stood to lose waited to overtake him at the first second of leaving his dreams. It had been that way every time he’d opened his eyes in the last week since Von destroyed him. Justin’s gaze landed on Jamie and Hawke. They hadn’t left him since he’d gotten the news. The only time either man stepped from the room was to go in hunt of food or some other necessity. Even then, only one would leave—like they were scared for Justin to be alone. They may’ve had a point. Justin was a bit scared of himself too. No one could contain this much rage and live to tell about it.
At some point during the day, Jamie must have pulled the chair out into a cot, giving Hawke a place to sleep with his head resting in Jamie’s lap. They were such a beautiful couple. The sight of Jamie brushing his fingers through a sleeping Hawke’s hair had even Justin’s dead heart smiling. Since Jamie had been hanging around Justin’s hospital room, he couldn’t remember a single moment when the man behaved in the same outrageous way as he had the first night they’d met.
“You’ve been very subdued,” Justin said, bringing Jamie’s head up. He didn’t seem surprised to see Justin awake or ashamed over getting caught caressing his husband.
Jamie flashed him a sweet smile. “Believe it or not, this is the real me. Being obnoxious is a nervous tic for me. I calm down once I get to know people.”
“That’s an odd nervous tic.” Justin was simply making conversation—filling the deadness in his heart with empty talk.
Jamie shrugged and went back to watching his fingers slip through Hawke’s hair. “I’m an orphan. Growing up, I bounced from foster home to foster home. No one wanted me for long. I learned how to read people’s needs. Sometimes, if I could make people laugh, they’d keep me a little longer. Other times, I had to bleed into the background, so I wouldn’t get separated from my twin. Still, no one wanted me forever. Some things you don’t grow out of, I guess.” He traced Hawke’s jawline. “He’s the only person who’s ever kept me and wanted me for who I am.”
Justin’s chest hurt from watching them, but he couldn’t look away. “Tell me more. I want to hear the story.” They made an ugly world seem a little less hopeless.
Jamie didn’t look up. “When I fell in love with Hawke, he was dating a friend of mine. It might sound crazy, but I was cool with it, because he was happy. Still, I swore if he ever gave me hope, I’d dog his heels to the end of time.”
“What happened?” Justin didn’t know why he whispered the question. Their love weaved a spell he didn’t want to break.
Jamie met his gaze. “He gave me hope.” Hawke snagged Jamie’s hand and kissed it before holding it to his chest like a security blanket. Jamie smiled. The sight made Justin’s eyes sting. “He’s still asleep,” Jamie said, as if assuring Justin their chat wasn’t disturbing his husband. “He kisses me in his sleep all the time.”
A lump rose in Justin’s throat. “You’re both very lucky.”
“Just me, actually,” Jamie said, sounding as if he truly believed that. “Hawke’s getting the life he deserves because I won’t let it be any other way for him. If he told me tomorrow that my career made him unhappy, then tomorrow would be the day I never sang another note.”
“He’d never say that. When he talks about you, I can hear the pride in his voice. It would kill him if you gave up music.”
For a full minute, Jamie stared at him expressionless.
Justin couldn’t take the way the man’s knowing gaze moved over his face. He nodded toward Hawke. “Being here is wearing him out. I’ll understand if you’d like to get out of here. Promise. I’m used to being alone.”
Jamie shook his head. “It’s the tour that’s wearing him out. Not you. This is the biggest one I’ve ever done, but it’ll probably be my last for a long while. I don’t want to leave Hawke alone with a new baby and we sure as shit aren’t taking a baby on the road.”
A genuine smile pulled at the corners of Justin’s mouth. “You’re having a baby?”
Jamie nodded. “All the papers are in order. We’re just waiting for our daughter to finish cooking. She’ll be in here in about four months.”
“Wow. How nervous are you?” Justin had no idea where the question came from. He only knew—if he was in Jamie’s position—he’d be biting his nails and losing his hair.
“I’m fucking terrified,” Jamie said, taking him by surprise. “Mostly that something will go wrong or fall through at the last minute and rip Hawke’s heart out.” Jamie smiled. “But also, there’s guys like me out there and I might have to kill some fuckboi one of these days.”
Justin snorted. He did not envy Jamie’s position.
Jamie’s smile fell. “What about you? Are you scared?”
Since Jamie had been real with him, Justin knew he deserved the same. He thought it over before responding. “I’m angry. Seriously. I’m more pissed off than I’ve been in my whole life.” Once the truth gate opened, Justin couldn’t stop. “I quit my job and sold my house. Now I have to start my life over, except now I don’t know how long that life will be. Fuck. I’m just mad.”
Jamie nodded as if he understood, and Justin got the feeling Jamie truly did get it. “You deserve better than you got from Von.”
Justin tried working up a smile. He failed. “It’s not like I can compete with a dream career and a forty-two-million-dollar contract. Not that I would’ve asked him to choose me. No way could I live with knowing anyone sacrificed that much for me. I can’t say it wouldn’t have been nice if he’d dumped me before I gave up everything for him. It definitely would’ve been awesome if he hadn’t kicked me while I was down.” A bitter smile tugged at Justin’s lips. “I think this was it for me, though. This is the broken heart that won’t heal.”
“They say time heals all wounds.”
“They say a lot of shit that isn’t true,” Justin shot back. “Do you think you’d survive Hawke leaving?”
Jamie didn’t answer. He didn’t have to. Justin knew the answer by simply seeing them together. Neither Jamie nor Hawke would survive without the other.
Justin forced a fake smile. “Anyhow, I don’t intend to curl into a ball and d
ie. I’m just done with caring about people. People are a huge disappointment.” Life was every man for himself, only to be shared when it was convenient to do so. Von had taught him that. It was a hard-learned lesson, but Von had finally driven the point home.
7
There was a bite to the winter air. Von imagined the nights were probably downright cold here already. Back in Phoenix, Von probably would’ve had to wait until February for the weather to cool down. Here, it felt great in the daytime. Von wondered if the weather was a sign he was making the right decision. As if the universe heard him and decided to hand him another clue he was on the right track, he spotted the grocery store where he’d first met Justin.
Von changed lanes. They sold flowers there. Surely flowers would help his case when he fell on his knees and begged Justin to forgive him… again. It seemed eleven a.m. was the time to shop for groceries. There was no more than a handful of cars parked in the lot. He parked in the second space directly in front of the entrance. As he climbed from his truck, he eyed the Lotus parked next to him. It was sweet. Its body was the orange and black combo he’d thought about buying for himself. He almost got away with eye fucking a stranger’s vehicle. Before he could move away, he found his path blocked by Jamie. Von was hard pressed to decide which of them was more surprised to see the other.
“What are you doing here?”
The hostility in Jamie’s question caught Von off guard. He glanced around, seeking any clue to Jamie’s anger. His gaze landed on Hawke. Damn, the man’s green eyes were even more beautiful in the sunlight, but they too held a hint of hatred Von never expected. A large chocolate-skinned male who matched Von in size stood at Hawke’s back. Von dismissed him as part of Jamie’s security team. He focused on Jamie once more. “I dropped by to grab Justin some flowers. Is there some reason I shouldn’t shop here? Wait. Are they selling used bath water and calling it spring water?” Von asked, hoping to tease the fury from Jamie’s expression. Normally, jokes always won over Jamie.
Jamie’s brow furrowed. “I don’t mean here, here,” Jamie said, motioning toward the store. “I mean here, here,” he said, pointing at the ground. “Like here in South Carolina.”
Von felt his face screw up in his confusion. “This is where Justin lives. Where else would I be?”
To Von’s surprise, Jamie’s temper snapped. “You’d be in hell if there was any justice in the world.”
Von blinked at the sudden rage flying his way “Whoa.”
“Jamie,” Hawke said, obviously hoping to call his husband under control.
Von kept his gaze locked on Jamie. “Did I miss something?”
Jamie shook his head as if he couldn’t believe Von’s gall. “You’re the dumbest genius I’ve ever met.” Jamie seemed to think it over, before adding, “Not that I’ve met many geniuses.”
“Wow. Don’t hold back.” Even Von heard the sarcasm in his tone, but either Jamie chose to ignore it or Von’s words suited his purposes because he kept talking.
“Okay, then. You’re also the biggest jackass I’ve ever met, and that’s really saying something. Do you have any idea how many people I meet in a day?”
Von felt his face screw up in confusion. He shook his head. “Did I do something to you?”
Jamie scratched his chin, being as obnoxious as possible. “Let me think. Hmmm. Do I feel your actions directly affected me?” He straightened and threw off all appearances of joking. “Yeah, I guess in a way, I do. I don’t like it when people give me the feels. Nobody gives me the fucking feels but my husband. But damn, man, it was hard as hell to hold my shit together, sitting there with Justin while the doctor told him he had cancer. Then, this is the best part of the story, five minutes later, you call and dump him.” Von couldn’t fucking breathe. He thought he might be having a heart attack, but Jamie was nowhere near finished. “Oh, and let’s not forget—”
“Jamie, maybe we should stay out of it,” Hawke said, cutting him off.
Jamie went back to pretending to think it over. “Nah. I think staying silent at the hospital was the extent of my business-minding abilities. Dude, he gave up his job. Sold his house. What the fuck did you think—”
“He sold his house?”
Jamie rolled his eyes. “Do you know any fucking thing about Justin or is everything always about you? Wait,” Jamie said, holding up his hand. “Don’t bother answering that. I already know.”
Von ignored Jamie’s open hatred. Nothing mattered as much as finding Justin. “If he sold his house, where’s he staying?”
“Like I would tell you,” Jamie shot back.
In spite of Jamie’s anger, Von didn’t stop pushing. “Please? I’m here because I want to fall on my knees and beg. I didn’t know about the…” Von swallowed, because it hurt. “I didn’t know about the cancer or the house. I knew he’d quit his job, but I’d planned to send him the money to cover everything.” He stopped, recognizing he wasn’t getting through to Jamie. “He’s been ignoring my calls. I need to find him.”
A muscle in Jamie’s jaw ticked. He stared Von down, obviously intent on holding his ground.
“He’s at Geeks Unlimited,” Hawke said behind Jamie.
Von’s chin shot up, meeting Hawke’s gaze. “What?”
Hawke motioned toward a strip mall next to the store where they stood. “Geeks Unlimited. It’s a computer repair shop slash electronics store. That’s where Justin is right now.”
Hope lit in Von’s chest. Jamie still stared at him with hatred in his eyes and Hawke didn’t look any happier about handing over the information, but Von didn’t care. He had what he needed. “Thanks for being here for him,” Von said, hoping to extend the first olive branch, but he couldn’t stop from adding, “I still wish you would’ve called me and let me know what was happening.”
Jamie’s gaze slid his way. “Would it have made a difference? You made your choice, and it wasn’t Justin.”
Jamie opened the passenger side door of the ultra-expensive car and motioned Hawke inside. Hawke moved to slide inside. With one foot inside the car, Hawke met his gaze. “For the record, I didn’t tell you where Justin is so you can make things right. Personally, I don’t think you deserve him. But Justin deserves closure, and the chance to spit in your face,” Hawke added before turning his back on Von and sliding inside the car.
Von never considered arguing his case. All he wanted was to get to Justin before the man disappeared. Justin was a get in and get what he needed and get out type of guy when it came to shopping. If he was at an electronics store, he might not be there much longer. He could’ve walked, but he didn’t have time. Instead, he fired his truck to life and cut through the parking lot before snagging the closest space. He searched the lot for Justin’s car but didn’t see it. Von’s heart rate kicked up. What if he was already gone? He didn’t know where the man lived any longer. Von doubted he’d get any further answers from Jamie or Hawke. Maybe they’d dropped Justin off, and that was how they knew where he was?
With his panic rising by the moment, Von rushed inside. Thankfully, it wasn’t a huge place. He spotted Justin right away. Even with Justin’s head covered by a stocking cap, Von knew it was him. It was as if his body was attuned to Justin. He could find the man in any crowd. Von’s panic disappeared, replaced with confusion. Justin wore a royal blue polo with the store’s logo on the sleeve—like every other employee inside the store. His feet moved in Justin’s direction. He didn’t stop until no more than two feet separated them. His hands itched to touch the man he’d missed with everything he possessed. It felt like forever since the last time he saw him.
Von thought of all the many things he needed to say. He opened his mouth, intent on pleading for Justin to forgive him—to love him again. “What are you doing working in an electronics store?”
Justin went still. He didn’t turn right away. When he did, his face was clear of all surprise or emotion of any kind. For all the pep talks Von gave himself, there was no way he could’ve prepared hi
mself for seeing Justin again. The dark circles under the man’s eyes were new. He’d also lost weight he couldn’t spare. There was a hard edge to his eyes that hadn’t been there before. All those things were Von’s fault. There wasn’t enough penance in the world.
Rather than telling Von to fuck off, as Von expected, Justin surprised him by answering. “Well, since I’d quit my job to move to Phoenix, and no longer had health insurance when I found out—” Justin paused, as if stopping himself before he told too much. He started again. “When I had a medical emergency, here I am. I’m now working two jobs, hoping not to completely wreck my credit while I try to fight my way out from underneath a couple of hundred thousand dollars’ worth of medical debt that’s all soon to be headed for collection. Thanks for asking. Unless you’re here to get your computer fixed, I need to get back to work.”
It was the same as getting kicked in the throat. Von had no excuse for a lot of things, but the medical bills hadn’t even occurred to him. “I’ll take care of your bills tomorrow.”
Justin laughed. There wasn’t an ounce of humor in the gesture. In fact, Von had never heard an uglier sound. “It must be so nice to be you. All guilt removed with the swipe of a debit card.” He motioned as if swiping a card. “Cha-ching. Every sin wiped clean. Go fuck yourself, Von. I don’t want your money.” As if lending truth to his words, Justin walked away.
Von wasn’t having it. He stayed on Justin’s heels. “Where’s your car? I didn’t see it outside.”
While keeping his eyes locked on the clipboard in his hand, Justin made notes as he answered. “Jamie dropped me off today. I had a doctor’s appointment and I always feel bad after…” Justin snapped his teeth together as if loath to say more.
“That was nice of Jamie,” Von said for lack of anything more. This was bad. He didn’t know how to fix this. His eyes burned. He wanted to hold Justin—tell him everything would be all right, but Justin wouldn’t even look at him.
“It was nice. The man has this huge tour happening right now, and a hundred other things going on his life, yet he’s able to deal with me and all of that.” Justin met Von’s gaze. “Imagine that,” he said, looking away again.
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