To Save You

by Ruiz, Rebeca

  It was easy to cover it up at school. I've never been one to be good with friends, especially girls. I always felt inferior and I hated drama, gossip was not my forte, I was always talked about. Anyway, no one cared enough at school to find out or ask. At home I just wore sweaters and stayed in my room as much as possible. Then I traveled for almost a year, if strangers saw the cuts, I couldn't care less. To be honest, I didn't do much cutting in the past year maybe twice I gave in. Now I was at SU, a place I didn't want to be.

  I caught movement from the corner of my eye, I saw James stirring. His leg was up in a stilt, metal holding his bones together. If I looked at it too much I started to feel sick.

  “James.” I whispered. He opened his eyes and he looked at me.

  “What time is it?” He asks. Although visitor time was over at the hospital, my parents managed to pull some strings so I could stay and also Mathew.

  “It's almost midnight.”

  I watch as James looks at his left leg. “What did the surgeon say?”

  “You'll be out the rest of the season, you have a lot of rehab to do.” James and I were always straight with each other. I knew he didn't want to me to sugarcoat this. “That guy shattered your fibula, they put in rods, and you'll have to wear a boot and be on crutches for a few months. Surgeon said you could do soccer camp in the summer if your rehab goes well, and he believes you'll be at full capacity when next season starts.”

  James was covering his face with his hand, I couldn't see his expression. I think I saw some relief. He could still play next season. Soccer was his life.

  “You should go home, PB.” He calls me PB because my full name is Presley Beth, second name comes from my great grandmother. We had this joke when we were little, we used to call ourselves PB & J because we were inseparable, but those times are long gone.

  “I'll take her.” Mathew says. I didn't even realize he had woken up. I don't look at him longer than a second because there is something so hot about how he looks when he's just woken up that is flustering. This school year was going to be hard.

  “Thanks, man.” I hug James and I let them talk for a bit before I go in the waiting room to get my parents. I could see my mother fighting off the sleep, and my dad was staring at nothing. They were exhausted.

  “Presley Beth.” My mom says. She's the only one who calls me by my full name. “Is he awake?” I nod.

  Everyone says I look like my mother, she is absolutely stunning. I am not. I don't know how people compare us.

  “He just woke up. You guys should go in the room with him. Matty and I are going back to campus.” They stand and stretch their bodies out a bit.

  “We'll call you if anything happens. Drive safe you two.” I could feel the hairs on my neck stand up as my body realizes Mathew is right behind me. What is it with him? Why do I feel this way around him? I've known him for a day. Get your shit together, Presley.

  I let Mathew lead the way to his car. My car was back at my dorm, Finn drove it back for me earlier. He wanted to come to the hospital, but I told him not to.

  “Hospitals creep me out.” I hear Mathew say.

  “Me, too.” More like I fear them. I fear ending up at one of them. I fear the day someone finally realizes how fucked up I really am.

  We don't really say anything the rest of the way back. It's not a weird silence, it's a comfortable one. He takes me to my dorm and we're parked in front of my building. I could see the hallway lights on. Every room was dark, including mine.

  “Don't be so worried. Your brother is going to be okay.” Mathew says. He grabs my hand. I can't let myself think it's anything but a friendly gesture.

  “I know.” I do know. I'm worried because I don't know if I will make it a night without cutting this week. The urge to cut is unbelievably strong, I'm just bubbling over my limit right now. “Goodnight, Mathew.” I give him a small smile and he smiles back at me.

  “Goodnight, Presley.”

  A few days ago, I was invisible. These past four days I've had so many girls come up to me to confirm that I am James' sister, and then ask me how he is. I say he's doing great and then they try and make conversation with me. I didn't know he was so popular. He'll be getting out of the hospital on Thursday, two days, and I hope that's when the madness will stop.

  “Mind if I sit here?” I look up to see a pretty redhead with eyes that look purple in the light. I think she could be wearing contacts, but they look so real.

  “I don't mind.” She sits down and I see her eyes are just a shade of gray I've never seen before. Very distinct.

  “I'm Odessa King, but you can call me Dessie. I just started here two days ago.” I gave her a look, school starts a few weeks ago, and she explained. “I was on the wait list, and I just got in. I have a lot of catching up to do.” I notice a bit of an accent.

  “Where are you from?” I ask her.

  “Nashville, but my parents are from Chicago so I have a weird accent.” It was like she knew that's was why I was asking. There was something down to earth about Dessie. She didn't look like she was trying to impress boys here, but I could see all the guys staring at her. I smiled.

  “Sorry, I didn't even introduce myself. I'm Presley Masters, I'm a freshman here as well.” She smiled wide.

  “I love your name. I always say that if I have child and it's a girl, I would name her Presley.” I could feel her Southern coming out and I giggled.

  “Presley Beth is actually my full name.” I say. For some reason I wanted to be her friend. Well, I knew the reason. Dessie looked like the type of girl that knew how to handle guys. I could learn from her.

  “That is even cuter.” She giggles.

  “If you need the notes for this class, feel free to ask for them. I am an excellent note taker.” I did have a 4.0 in high school, James was right about me, I am a huge nerd.

  “Thanks. I think I'll take you up on that offer.” The professor clears his throat as the lecture is about to begin. I could find myself getting excited about having a new friend.

  Chapter Six

  Mathew Pennington

  I found myself in the library again, looking for another book for a research paper. It was nearly empty, and I took comfort in that. I knew no one would be bothering me. It's late. The library closes in about an hour, and it's a Friday. I should be at a party, but I wasn't in the mood to go to one. Suddenly, I was comparing every girl to Presley, and no one compared to her.

  This past week, I've tried to stay away from her. She is my best friends younger sister. But I see her everywhere I go. She's either alone or with Finn, and today I saw her with a new friend. I didn't even know she had friends that are girls. It kind of made me happy that she was making friends here, more people she could talk to.

  I was heading back to the front when I saw her. She was sitting in the corner reading a book. I stopped and I stared at her. I could see her smiling down at her book, and she bit her lip to hold down a laugh. She was so fascinating to watch read.

  Someone clears their throat and I look in front of me to see the redhead Presley has been hanging out with. She's been talked about a lot in the locker room, I mostly hear that she won't give in to any guy, they were calling her a prude and a tease. I usually just roll my eyes at the guys because they're butt hurt a girl won't sleep with them.

  “Are you stalking her?” She asks. I immediately take note of the southern accent.

  “No.” I say too quickly.

  “Dessie. This is my brother's roommate, Matty.” I guess she saw us, we must've distracted her from her reading. I frown when I realize that she called me Matty. What has changed in the past few days?

  “Oh, nice to meet you Matty.” She shakes my hand.

  “Likewise.”

  “Are you going to the party tonight at the lake?” Presley asks. What? I take in her appearance. Her make up is done, she's in a tight little skirt, and she is being generous with the amount of cleavage she is showing. Th
e only thing I take comfort in is that she has a cardigan on. But I know why she has it on, to cover her arms.

  I am now. “I am.” I hear myself saying.

  “We'll see you there.” Dessie says and drags Presley out of the library. She gives me a small smile and waves. Fuck. Now I needed to go to this party. I couldn't stay at the apartment knowing the length of that skirt. Her legs looked like they were going on for miles. I know I wouldn't be the only guy who noticed this.

  I got to the party as soon as I could. It was ten now, and the party has only just taken off. People were just starting to feel the alcohol, their dance moves getting sloppier, their inhibitions dropping. Alcohol was not in my agenda tonight.

  I spot her. Presley is against the wall talking to Finn. She was tugging at her cardigan, pulling the sleeves over her hands.

  Finn has two drinks in his hand and he kept leaning one toward her. She kept shaking her head and pushing it away. From the swaying he was doing, I was assuming that he was a bit intoxicated. That day in the library last week, I could see that he liked her more than a friend, but she wasn’t interested.

  Someone grabbing me pulled me out of my daze. I looked to see who had their hand on my crotch. Leah.

  “What can I do for you?” I ask as she pushes herself against me. I could smell the tequila on her breath.

  “The question is, what can I do for you?” She licks her lips.

  “I'm really not in the mood.”

  “I can help get you in the mood.” I stop her hand from moving any further. She looked hurt that I stopped her.

  “I said I'm not in the mood.” I pushed her off me. She fixed her composure and glared at me. I couldn't care less that she was hurt that I didn't want her blow job.

  “Screw you, Matty.” She walked away and I turned to see Presley looking at me.

  Her eyes were wide, Finn followed her gaze. He turned back around and he kissed her, completely took her by surprise. I remember her saying that what they had was a completely private thing. It only happened behind closed doors.

  She pushed him off her and said something I couldn't make out and then she stormed off. I found myself walking in her direction. Presley had gone outside, and there was no one there. The fall was coming in quickly, it had to be forty degrees outside, everyone would rather stay inside the house, and I didn't blame them.

  “Presley?” I could hear some cries and I followed them up to the gazebo. She was on the floor crying and taking in gasps of air. She was having a panic attack.

  “Please go, Mathew.” She cries. The hell I was leaving her like this. I sat down next to her and I hugged her. I rubbed her arm up and down and whispered things to her.

  “You're okay. It will pass.” Things like that. Within two minutes I could feel her get calmer and she was relaxing in my arms, no more of the scary gasping. She was quietly sobbing.

  “Thank you.” She whispers.

  “No problem.” I knew Finn had triggered her. But why had a kiss triggered her? I don't know what to think. “Are you feeling better?”

  “I am.” She says quietly. Presley pulls herself away from my arms. “I don't usually react that way.” She wipes away the tears.

  “How long have you had panic attacks?”

  “Since I was a freshman in high school.” She's quiet for a moment. “Don't tell James. He'll make a bigger deal out of it than it really is.”

  “He doesn't know?” I thought James knew about her problems.

  “No. Please, don't tell him.” I could see that she was trying to be strong. Why did she feel that way?

  “I won't tell him.” I find myself saying. I should be telling James exactly what is going on with his sister. This couldn't be good for her to deal with this alone.

  “Thank you.”

  “What triggered it tonight?” I ask her.

  “Finn kissed me. I don't like him like that. We have a simple thing and he’s trying to complicate things.”

  “Was he your first kiss?” I looked down and felt the wood under my fingers. Did I really want to hear this answer?

  “No.” I looked back at her blue eyes.

  “I though you said-”

  “You were my first kiss many years ago. Finn came afterward.” What? Presley looked away and I knew she was blushing because she just blurted this out to me. “You said you don't remember the first time we met. It was at one of my brothers parties while my parents were traveling. I was a sophomore, and I was home for a month for my summer break.

  “That night you stumbled into my room where I was reading. We talked for a bit, you were really drunk.” I could feel myself remembering. I always thought it was a weird dream I had. That was Presley.

  “You kissed me.” I say, remembering it. She nods.

  “One of my few moments of bravery.” She giggles. “Then you passed out in my bed and I stayed in the guest room. We never saw each other again until now.”

  “Holy fuck.” I run my hand through my hair. I was her first kiss and I didn't even know it. It makes me happy that it wasn’t Finn. Also made me mad that I was drunk when it happened, I wanted to remember her lips on mine with a clear head.

  “I kind of feel like I took advantage of you.” She says and I let out a laugh.

  “Trust me, it's fine.” I grabbed her hand. “I'm glad I was your first kiss. I hope I didn't disappoint.”

  “You didn't.” She says too quickly and I chuckle. Presley couldn't look at me and I knew she was embarrassed. I found it extremely adorable. I turned her head towards me and I ran my thumb over her bottom lip.

  “I want to be able to fully remember a kiss with you. Can I kiss you, Presley?” I ask softly. For a moment, I think she may panic, but she doesn't. She nods.

  Chapter Seven

  Presley Masters

  Mathew's lips brushed against mine. It was gentle at first, and I liked that Mathew was taking his time. Slowly the kiss got more urgent. I could taste the mint from his toothpaste along with something else.

  I wrapped my arms around his neck and I was running my hands through his hair. I could feel myself pushing for more.

  I wanted more. I knew he would want more as well. He was a man with needs. I saw the way that same girl from the library was ready to give him whatever he wanted. He wouldn't wait for me, not when he had readily available women everywhere.

  What I had with Finn, sex was fun and it was without strings. As soon as we finished, I left. I just don’t know how to do a relationship.

  “Presley!” I hear Dessie yell and I pull away from Mathew.

  We were both so uncomfortable at the party, she went to the bathroom and had texted me there was a long line. Finn had found me, and he got angry that Mathew was looking at me again. I told him there was nothing between us, he was just my brothers friend. Then I saw him with that girl, and I watched as he pushed her away. Then Finn decided to kiss me.

  I hated being unprepared for things. That triggered my panic attack. I hadn't expected Mathew to follow me out to the gazebo and he calmed me down so fast. It usually took ten minutes before I started to feel any relief. It took two minutes with him.

  “I need to go. I'm her ride home.”

  “Have you had anything to drink?” He asks, and I shake my head. Finn had tried to get me to drink, but I don't drink.

  “I'm fine. Thanks for that.” I stand and he follows.

  “For the kiss?” I start blushing again.

  “I meant calming me down. But thanks for that kiss, too. It was nice.” I was trying to learn to speak my mind. That's the only reason I told him about him being my first kiss.

  “Be thankful one more time.” He whispers and kisses me again.

  My phone started to buzz and Mathew pulled away this time. “I really have to go.” I didn't want to go. “I'll see you.”

  I was halfway back to the house when I answered the phone. “Yes?”

  “Where are you? Did you leave me str
anded?” For some reason I couldn't stop smiling. I giggled.

  “I am outside.”

  “I'm by your car.” I made my way to the car. She was smiling at me as soon as I got close enough.

  “What?” I ask. She reaches for something in her bag and takes out a small compact mirror she uses.

  “Did I interrupt something?” I look at myself in the mirror and see my hairs a little messed up, and my lip gloss has smeared. I liked that Presley. She looked like the girl who didn't care and was ready to take on whatever came her way.

  “Um-” She stops me.

  “Don't need to tell me now. Just relive whatever it is in your brain and tell me over ice cream at my apartment.” Did I mention Dessie lived in the same apartment complex as Mathew and James? She lives in the next building over.

  I wipe as much lip gloss that is not on my lips off when I freeze. James. He spots me and he makes his way over on his crutches. Fuck. I start pulling my hair down to make it not look as messy and Dessie looks at James.

  He looks at her and he's a bit stunned. I've experienced this reaction to Dessie many times in the past few days. The only person I haven't seen react like that is Mathew.

  “Can I help you James?” He looks back at me, suddenly remembering why he was coming over.

  “You're not going into that party dressed like that.” I frown. Dessie helped pick this out and I really like it.

  “What's wrong with this?”

  “It's too provocative.” Dessie is just watching our interaction. More like watching my brother. Gross.

  “This is more clothing than I've seen your girlfriends wear around you. Plus, I already went in there, I'm on my way out.”

  He rolls his eyes. “Don't stay out too late.” He looks back at Dessie and then back at me. He wants an introduction. I roll my eyes this time.