Tallulah's Temptation: Sea Shenanigans Book One

by Robyn Peterman

  “Have you?” I asked as I slowly removed my shimmering gold bikini top and let it fall to the floor. “What happened in these dreams?”

  His chuckle sent a zing of pleasure right to my girlie parts and I quickly dispensed of my sarong. A fragrant ocean breeze blew through the open window and the glow of the moon made his beauty appear otherworldly.

  “Well,” he admitted with a sexy crooked smirk. “The end of the dream is usually rather violent.”

  “How so?” I inquired as I scooted back on the bed and ran my hands suggestively down my body.

  Doug’s eyes hooded and began to glow. His sexy Vampire fangs appeared and I shuddered in delight with memories of what he could do with those sharp canines.

  “It’s fabulous until you remove my Johnson.”

  My laugh was loud and he grinned as he stopped at the edge of the bed and stared at me.

  “You are exquisite, Tallulah—beautiful and strong. And your knockers—your knockers are a work of art.”

  His choice of words was a little off putting, but the sentiment was very clear. He could have called my girls hooters and I wouldn’t have cared.

  “You’re not so bad yourself,” I said and crooked my finger at him to join me on his bed.

  “I know. My tallywacker is outstanding,” he agreed as he jumped on the bed and pressed his body against mine.

  His skin was hot and his scent was delicious. I hadn’t felt this free and happy in so long. We were definitely going to have to discuss the way he made his living, but I had an idea. Actually Janet had come up with it, but it was all kinds of brilliant.

  “That depends on what you can do with your tallywacker,” I pointed out as I ran my hands over his chest and pressed my lips to his neck.

  “You’re like an addiction,” he growled as he scraped my aching breast with his fangs sending pleasure through my body that I’d forgotten I could have. “An addiction I will never kick.”

  “I certainly hope not,” I gasped out as he nipped and licked his way down my needy body. “Oh and by the way… I’ll make your dream a reality if you so much as look at another woman.”

  “You would?” he asked, looking up at me with delight.

  “I would,” I confirmed with a giggle.

  “And I shall repay the compliment,” Doug announced as his fingers found the spot that made my back arch with desire and a moan fly from my lips. “I shall behead any man that makes a play for you and will chain you to my bed for eternity if you ever try to leave me.”

  “Gods, that’s so hot,” I squealed as his mouth replaced his fingers and stars shot across my vision. “And if you ever try to leave me again, I’ll remove your Johnson with a dull butter knife.”

  His chuckle against my most private parts sent me into an orgasm that ripped through me like a shot from a pistol.

  “I believe you already threatened to remove my jolly roger if I looked at another,” he replied and then went back to work on making me orgasm again.

  “Right,” I gasped out. “You’re correct. I guess I would shove your balls down your throat then.”

  “Excellent,” he shouted and moved up my body so quickly I didn’t even see him move. “You are a violent goddess and you are mine.”

  “You still have to woo me for a few decades,” I reminded him as my hands found his very hard and very large treasure.

  “Will do,” he choked out on a hiss of lust. “I shall work hard for your hand.”

  “You’re very hard in my hand right now,” I replied with a giggle as I stroked the rock hard evidence of his desire and bit at his full lips.

  “Do you think we should do something about that?” he whispered in my ear as his hips rocked into my hand.

  “I could think of a few things we could do to make you feel better.”

  “Show me,” he begged hoarsely against my lips.

  And I did.

  Opening my legs and guiding the Pirate of my dreams to where I wanted him to be was the scariest and most exhilarating thing I’d done in a century. As his body became one with mine all thoughts of Sea Hags and failing tourist business disappeared. What I was feeling was right and perfect and I deserved it.

  “I can’t go slow,” Doug growled as he jerked his hips forward and buried himself to the hilt inside me. “I want you too much. I promise I’ll go slow on the tenth time.”

  “You can do it ten times?” I asked on a half laugh-half moan as he filled me and sent mini-orgasms shuddering through me.

  “I’m Pirate Doug, the greatest Vampire Pirate lover of the Seven Seas,” he bragged as he began to move. “You are Tallulah of the Mystical Island Pod—the sexiest damned wench in the world and you’re mine. I can go twelve times tonight.”

  “Go for it, Pirate,” I challenged as I writhed underneath him and met each strong thrust with joyous abandon.

  And he did.

  And he was correct… almost.

  We did it thirteen times.

  And it was fucking fabulous—pun intended.

  “That was…” Doug said dreamily, holding me close while he searched for the right words.

  “Mind blowing, wonderful and perfect,” I replied quickly before he could destroy the moment by comparing me to a horse or a greased watermelon.

  “I want you to be my mate,” he whispered.

  The moonlight bathed us in her magical glow and I realized that I wanted the very same thing, but he was still going to have to work for it.

  “You’re going to have to make it right with my sisters,” I told him as I traced little circles on his lightly haired chest. “My family is very important to me.”

  Doug sighed and kissed the top of my head. “I wouldn’t know about that. I barely know my nine hundred and twenty siblings and my Pappy is an arse with an alarming hairdo.”

  “And your mother?” I asked.

  “The wench didn’t want me,” he said, shrugging his wide shoulders. “Supposedly, the hooker has been spying on me for a while, but if she cared for me she would show her face.”

  I held my breath for a long moment and then slowly let it out.

  “Can I tell you a story?” I asked.

  “A bedtime story?” Doug questioned, sounding like a lost little boy.

  “Umm… kind of. You have to promise me you won’t be mad.”

  Doug sat up and glared at me. “Are you already promised to someone else?” he growled as his eyes began to glow with fury.

  “No. No, hold your seahorses,” I insisted quickly before he blew up the ship with both of us on it. “I am promised to no one. And I make my own decisions—always. We are not living in the dark ages anymore.”

  “Thank the gods for that,” he muttered, calming down and pulling me back into his strong arms. “So is this a nice story?”

  “Depends.”

  “Like the adult diaper?” he questioned.

  “Umm… no,” I said with a giggle. “Why don’t you just listen and decide for yourself.”

  “I can do that,” he said, playing with my long lavender locks. “As long as you don’t leave me or yank my Johnson off everything will be okay.”

  I certainly hoped so…

  12

  Pirate Doug

  “So tell me,” I said, staring daggers at Wally aka Janet aka my mother. “Do you actually believe crapping on your son’s head for half a century is good parenting?”

  “Your behavior merited a few shits,” she replied with a grin.

  While Wally had a valid point, her method left much to be desired. I would never poop on my child’s head—not that I had a child or even a pet. Wally clearly didn’t count anymore. I planned on siring at least twenty or thirty-two children but I hadn’t sprung that bit of news on Tallulah yet. I was waiting until the time was right and I had developed an impenetrable Johnson protector.

  The morning had dawned bright and sunny—the exact opposite of my mood. It had taken Tallulah telling me the story twelve times before I realized it was a non-fiction tale
. So now, slathered in an absurd amount of sunscreen, I was facing my newest issue head on.

  Everyone had assembled on the beach to witness the reunion—or possibly to make sure I didn’t throw a shit fit that blew the island off the map of the Bermuda Triangle. Tallulah and her sisters flanked my mother and my men stood by me. The rest of the gaggle of colorful swimming hookers dotted the beach and watched with interest. It was clear they had no clue what was going on, but Mermaids were nosy wenches.

  I knew Tallulah was on my side, but as I was still in the process of wooing her, her placement was appropriate. Plus, I was fairly sure her sisters didn’t like me yet. Hopefully, the return of the booty and the sheer amount of orgasms I’d given their sister would sway them. However, the most bizarre fact was that Wally was no longer a parrot—and I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about that.

  The horrible woman looked just like me or rather, I looked like her. Since I enjoyed staring at myself, it was fascinating to stare at a female version of me. However, I was pissed at the old bag and didn’t have the time to admire how good I would look with knockers.

  Not to mention how odd it was seeing Wally as a person. Her shift from parrot to human was alarming. Upton had puked. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was remembering the heinous or embarrassing misdeeds he had done in front of my mother over the years or if he was simply grossed out. There was no way in the Seven Seas I would call her Mother. Hell, I wasn’t sure I could call her Janet either. It was going to be Wally for the time being.

  “A few, Wally?” I demanded. “You call pooping on my head numerous times a day for fifty fucking years… a few?”

  “Fine,” she said with a shrug. “I’m a little sorry.”

  “Define a little,” I snapped.

  Wally laughed and winked at me. I liked it, but I still glared at the old wench. It wouldn’t do at all to tackle her and hug her. She had a tremendous amount of questions to answer.

  “I’m very sorry for shitting on you. I really wanted to take you over my knee and beat your arse for some of the things you’ve done over the last few decades. And as that was not a possibility, I figured dropping stinkies on your head would have to suffice,” she explained.

  “Makes sense to me,” Bonar chimed in.

  “Did your mother take dumps on your head?” I demanded of my turncoat crew member.

  “Umm… not that I recall,” Bonar admitted. “But I’m sure the landlubbin’ old cow would have if she could.”

  “You’re not helping,” I ground out through clenched teeth.

  “Aye,” he nodded. “My bad, Captain.”

  “I should say so,” I muttered and tried to think of all the things I wanted to ask the loose sphinctered wench.

  “Doug,” Wally started.

  “Pirate Doug,” I corrected her. She would have to earn calling me Doug.

  “Pirate Doug,” she amended with a little grin. “I’ve been living as a fucking bird for fifty years. I gave up my demi-goddess status—complete with wardrobe, an all you can eat buffet and ballroom dancing lessons—for my son. The word arse is now part of my vocabulary thanks to you.”

  “You’re welcome,” I replied. It wouldn’t kill me to be polite.

  “No, I was being… never mind,” Wally said with an outstanding eye roll that should have caused her eyes to get stuck in the back of her head.

  It was very impressive.

  “I’ve cleaned up after you and your messy idiots for half a century. You imbeciles are disgusting. I would think that should count for something. Don’t you?”

  “Is that a trick question?” I inquired, squinting at her. “And will you be dropping turds all over the place as a human?”

  “Umm, no and no,” she answered, shaking her head. “I wanted to be near you and I wasn’t permitted to reveal myself.”

  “So you like me?” I asked, doing my best to sound nonchalant.

  “Not particularly,” she admitted with a chuckle. “But I do love you. You have no clue how awful it is to be a parrot.”

  “It sucked arse?” I inquired.

  “It sucked arse,” she confirmed.

  I paced the sand in a zig-zag path to avoid the toe pinching sand crabs. Those little arseholes were vicious.

  What to do…

  I had wanted a mother my entire life and here she was. Tallulah loved her family. My soon to be mate valued her family greatly. Hmmm, could I knock a few decades off the wooing process if I let Wally into my life?

  Could I love this crapping wench named Janet who’d lived as a bag of feathers for fifty years just to be near me?

  Could she be trusted not to poop all over my ship? Would my mother be willing to wear adult diapers until she could prove that she wasn’t a shitting risk?

  So many things to consider.

  “Captain?” Bonar interrupted my jumbled thoughts.

  “Little busy here thinking,” I said.

  “Aye, but ye might have a problem,” he informed me.

  “I already know that,” I huffed. “Wally is my mother.”

  “Ye has another problem too,” Upton chimed in, still pale from losing his cookies.

  “Is it more important than literally being defecated on by a parental unit?” I questioned, annoyed.

  “Depends,” Bonar said.

  “Yes, yes, I’ve already thought of that,” I replied, impressed that my man had pondered making my mother wear diapers too. “We’ll have to raid a Target to supply ourselves.”

  “Aye, Captain,” Bonar replied looking incredibly confused. “But I was talking about yonder ship being on fire.”

  Quickly scanning the horizon I spied my favorite ship ablaze atop the water, I stomped my foot and caused a large crater in the beach. How in the hell was I supposed to sail the Seven Seas and pilfer my way around the world without my favorite ship? “Son of a beach,” I bellowed. “How did that happen?”

  “Possibly the forty Tiki torches?” Tallulah volunteered, patting me on the back.

  “Damn it,” I griped and smacked my forehead. “I forgot to blow them out.”

  “Possibly or maybe not,” Wally said, as she began to glow and grow in size.

  My mother was now the size of a large freighter ship. It was amazing to see something that resembled me so enormous. However, it also meant she could kick my arse—not good.

  Wally quickly shoved all of us behind her and roared out at the sea.

  “Is it the fucking Kraken?” I shouted above her fury as I too began to glow.

  “No,” she said with relief as her body slowly went back to normal size.

  “The Sea Hags?” Tallulah demanded as she got into a fighting stance alongside her sisters.

  “No. No Hags in me sight yet,” Thornycroft reported.

  My gal was a killer. My roger grew jolly at the sight of her all glowly and vicious.

  “Not now, you randy little shit,” Wally snapped and walloped me in the back of the head sending me flying into my men. “You shall pay attention to the fucking matter at hand.”

  “You’re kinda mean,” I muttered. “You said it wasn’t the Kraken and it’s not the Hags, so I don’t see a problem here.”

  Wally grunted in disgust and strode over to me, causing me to hide behind my idiots.

  “You have been listening to your tallywhacker for far too long. You are going to straighten up and fly right. You’re going to find a new career and settle down.”

  “New career?” I asked suspiciously. “Define.” I enjoyed my career and I was excellent at it.

  “It is the Sea Hags!” Tallulah shouted and turned to the terrified Mermaids on the beach. “Run, hookers. Run.”

  The hookers not trained to fight scattered quickly leaving me, my men, Wally, Tallulah and her sisters to fight the smelly abominations headed our way. The flaming ship was the least of our problems now. There were at least twenty Hags in the distance, zooming toward the island. The stench was worse than the time we realized Bonar had given up showering for Len
t. They were about five minutes from us and flying fast.

  “Tallulah,” I commanded. “Take your sisters and hide with the hookers.”

  “What?” she snapped and slapped her hands onto her shapely hips.

  “I have found getting into your underpants is my new life’s goal. If you’re offed by a creature that can fuck itself, that could be a problem,” I explained.

  “I don’t wear underpants,” she shouted.

  “I know. I was being polite.” A huge grin pulled at my lips and my breeches grew painfully tight. Thankfully, I narrowly missed the left hook from Wally. My mother had been a pain in my arse as a bird and was equally as heinous as a person.

  “It’s kinda hot that he wants to protect you,” Misty pointed out to her fuming sister.

  “And kinda sexist pig-ish,” Tallulah hissed and glared at me. “While the sentiment is weird and somewhat appreciated, I’ll have a violent go at your Johnson if you ever tell me what to do again. This is my island and I will fight to the death to protect my people and my shitty tourist business. You feel me, jackhole?”

  My eyes went wide and my breeches were now strangling my Johnson. She was a rude, vicious work of art. And she was mine.

  “I’ll be feeling you in about an hour,” I replied with a joyous laugh, proud of my bloodthirsty mate to be. “Who is the leader of this particular clusterfuck of Hags?”

  “Bony Velma Dustface,” Tallulah informed me with a shudder of disgust. “She’s as mean as a snake and smells like New York City during a garbage strike in August.”

  “You have got to be shitting me,” I yelled and slapped myself in the head.

  “I shit you not,” she replied. “Have you been in New York in August?”

  “No, not that,” I said with an eye roll. “Are you sure about the name of the leader? Could you be mistaken? Maybe it’s Bony Velma Crustcase or possibly Bony Velma Rustrace?”

  Of all the Sea Hags it had to be Bony Velma Dustface? Could today get much worse?

  “It’s Bony Velma Dustface. Is that a problem?” Tallulah demanded as her eyes narrowed. “Do you know her?”

  “Yesssss, I know her.”