"I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head, brushing the tears away.
"Hey now, it's ok," he said softly.
I kept my eyes down. How embarrassing, I thought. I did not want to be the girl in the bar, crying.
"Let me get you something. Apple martini, a glass of wine?" He bent down, bringing his face to my level.
"Oh an apple martini would be nice, thanks," I answered, shaking my head and looking up. God, how embarrassing.
"You've got it," he smiled.
Everything about this felt so familiar, me drinking an apple martini, spilling my guts out to Johnny. I glanced over to where Ben had been seated that first night. Now it was just an empty chair. Luckily, Johnny walked over with my drink and pulled me out of my thoughts.
"So, what's up?" he asked.
I ran my finger around the base of my glass. "Have you spoken with Ben recently?"
"Not since yesterday. But he did tell me about what happened with his mother."
"Yeah, well then you haven't heard the whole story. I guess after he left here, he went home and his ex girlfriend was in his apartment. His mother had given her a key!" I laughed spitefully. "I came up to see him and found them together."
Johnny's eyes widened, exhaling deeply.
"No! Nothing like that!" I cried, realizing what he thought I meant. "But just her being there made me realize that he has a lot of baggage and I'm not ready to deal with it." I sipped my drink, waiting for a reply.
He stood quietly for a moment, rubbing his chin. "Well, I can see why you'd be upset. But you broke it off?"
I sighed. "Yes, I need to focus on making myself happy right now." I peered up at him, afraid he was judging me.
"No you're right, you do. I was just rooting for you guys since the beginning, that's all. Just disappointing."
Well shit. "Do you think I made the wrong decision?" I felt my heart starting to beat a bit quicker.
"I won't tell you what's the right decision, and what's the wrong one. But were you happy with him?"
I brought my drink up, stalling. I wanted to shout, yes! I loved him! But instead, I answered, "yes, he made me happy. But there's more to a relationship than just the person."
"Well that's true. I remember my mother-in-law hated me," he said, his eyes lost in a memory. "But Judy was the one for me, no matter what. My mother-in-law finally came around though."
I sat, soaking in his words. Here he was, unable to be with his wife, wishing he could be despite any "baggage" she had, and I was acting like a petulant child.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't dump all this on you," I smiled.
"Hey, I own a bar. It's what we do, it's alright."
Our attention was brought to someone walking up to the bar. "Hey Eddie, how's it going?" Johnny greeted. He looked back at me as he walked toward the other patron. I nodded, raising my glass.
"Go, I'm fine," I smiled.
I finished my drink and gathered my belongings, heading out into the night. My head was definitely not clear after our conversation. If anything, I felt that Johnny thought I hadn't made the right move. I walked home, doubt creeping back into the corner of my mind.
Chapter 24
Ben
After multiple texts and phone calls, I agreed to go for a drink with Todd tonight. "Not Johnny's," I said. As much as I desired to see Lacey, I was sure she wouldn't want to see me, and I didn't want to seem like I was stalking her.
"No problem, I'll meet you at this Mexican place, Somberitos, down on Fourth street."
"Alright, see ya." I hung up, groaning. I wasn't in the mood for his usual antics. I didn't want him to be a wing man and try to set me up with anyone. But I needed to do something other than sit in my apartment alone all night. The past two nights had been absolute hell. I ached to be with her, feel her in my arms.
I grabbed my jacket and made my way out of the office, down to the street. I instinctively turned left, heading to Johnny's. I stumbled, turning myself back around the other direction. Jesus, get a fucking grip.
Pulling the door open to the restaurant, I was greeted by loud music and bright colors. I rolled my eyes; this was not the atmosphere I was looking for. I realized I wasn't looking for any atmosphere at all. I wanted to be at home, on the couch, with Lacey next to me. I looked around, and spotted Todd in a booth. I walked over and sat across from him. "Hey asshole."
"Hey dickhead. How's it hanging?" he laughed, dipping a chip in salsa and bringing it to his mouth.
I sighed. "Shitty, man." I told him the whole story leading up to Lacey leaving me.
"Marissa showed up? That's like, Fatal Attraction shit man."
I laughed. "I know, right?"
Our server came over and silently set two beers in front of us. I immediately took a large pull from mine.
"Well I'm sorry, dude. I knew you really liked her."
"Yeah," I sighed, wanting to change the subject. "So what's new with you?"
"Well, uh, I'm actually, uh, seeing someone." He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, avoiding eye contact with me.
I sat stunned for a moment. Really? Todd? "Who? When?"
"Shannon." He brought his beer up to his lips.
I felt my mouth fall open. "Seriously?"
"Yeah, yeah. We hit it off that night, and we've been talking since. I guess we made it official last week."
I took a large gulp of my beer. "Wow, man, that's awesome. Congrats."
He looked nervously at me. "You sure you're good?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know. I just know Lacey was good for you."
I rubbed my chin. "Yeah, I know. I miss her. This really fucking blows." We didn't talk like this. Ever.
We sat quietly together for a moment.
"Have you tried talking to her since?" he asked.
"No, she made her feelings pretty clear. I don't want to drag it out, I just want her to be happy." I realized this was probably the heaviest conversation I had ever had with him. "Let's change the subject."
"Alright, alright. So how about that local sports team?" he laughed.
********
Lacey
I stood nervously in front of my bathroom mirror, checking myself over before I went into work. I had on a black shirt and black skinny jeans. This makes me look so pale, I thought. I looked at my watch; I had to leave now before I was late. I had been stalling, afraid to get there and possibly see Ben.
I made my way quickly to the bar, trying to keep my head up, trying to convince myself I was ok. But even in the short time we were together, he had become engrained in almost every aspect of my life. I couldn't go to work or home without worrying about running into him. And worry was a strong word. I wasn't "worried," I wasn't sure what I was.
I walked in, quickly surveying the crowd. He wasn't there.
"Hey lady, long time no see," Shannon smiled as I joined her.
"Hey to you." It was actually really nice seeing her. But I was dreading talking about Ben.
I got to work, making drinks, schmoozing with the regulars. I hoped they couldn't tell I wasn't into it. I just felt so detached and distracted. Every time the front door opened, my heart stopped. Each time I looked up, I felt anxiety but then, what was it? Disappointment? I propped myself up against the bar.
"So what's new?" I asked Shannon. Let's keep the conversation on you as long as possible.
She kept her head down, acting busy. "Oh, not much." Her voice sounded too high.
"You're a terrible liar."
Her face scrunched. "Ok, ok. I'm seeing someone." She looked sideways at me, biting her lip.
"That's awesome! Why wouldn't you want to tell me that? Because I broke up with Ben? I'm not that big of a bitch, I can still be happy for you," I laughed.
She stood up, putting her hand on her hip. "Well, I'm actually seeing Todd."
I saw her hold her breath, waiting for my reaction.
"That's great," I smiled sweetly. That was a bit shocking. Of the two cou
ples from the night we hung out together, I wouldn't have guessed they'd be the ones dating at this point.
"Really, you're ok?" She reached and grabbed my arms in her hands.
I swallowed harshly, trying to maintain my smile. "Yes, I'm fine. I'm more than fine, I'm happy for you." My head was spinning. I had no reason to not be happy for her, but I had a pang of jealousy shooting through me. Seriously, she could make it work with that guy, and I couldn't with Ben?
"Well good. And I'm so sorry about what happened with Ben. Johnny told me. What a cunt."
I laughed out loud, a true genuine laugh. What was it about saying the word, cunt? "Which one?"
"Both! The mother and the ex." I couldn't think of two more deserving women for that word.
I told her how I handled finding her in his apartment.
"You are fucking fabulous!" she exclaimed. "Hey, why don't you come to my place after this. We can get sloppy drunk and not worry about men."
I grinned. "That sounds like exactly what I need."
After we closed down the bar, I walked with Shannon out to her car. She lived a few blocks further than I did. She pulled out into the street, seamlessly turning corners and maneuvering through traffic as she bubbled on about how Todd had finally made it official. I smiled, nodding, looking out the window. I wanted to listen, but I couldn't. At least she seemed oblivious to it.
My heart suddenly plummeted to my stomach as we drove by the infamous Anderson, Turner, and Bines law firm billboard. There was Ben's gorgeous face, plastered permanently in the sky. I stared, unable to look away. His scruffy face was amplified, bringing me back to how the stubble felt under my hand and between my legs. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I tried to focus on what Shannon was saying as the billboard disappeared behind me.
"And here we are," she chirped, pulling into a spot on the street in front of a ten story building. I followed her in, taking in the surroundings. It was a cute apartment, even smaller than mine, which I didn't think was possible. All the decor, from pictures on the wall to pillows on her couch, were bright and vibrant, and just screamed "Shannon."
"First things first." She lead me into her tiny galley kitchen, reaching into the fridge. "Wine!"
I smiled, watching her grab glasses and an opener.
"Here, let's go in here." She motioned back to the living room. We sat opposite each other on the couch. I accepted the glass she handed me graciously.
"Mmm, this is delicious," I said, taking a sip.
"It's a good wine to drink when you want to just get drunk. It goes down really smooth," she giggled.
She was right. It had only been an hour and I was on my third glass. I finally started to relax and enjoy myself. Thoughts of Ben were in the middle of my mind, not pushed completely to the back, but no longer at the forefront.
"So Todd huh? Did he tell you what a dick he was the next morning to me?" I smiled.
"Oh my god, yes! He can be a little rough around the edges. He really felt bad though!" she cried, pouring more wine in her glass. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure he told you that...to get in your pants.
"And you're ok with all his... past endeavors?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. Why was I being so spiteful?
She sighed, shifting in her seat. "Yes I know he was a player, but to be honest, so was I. I wouldn't want him to hold my past against me, so I don't hold his against him."
I smiled at my friend. "You're a better woman than me." Obviously I had trouble in that department. But after all I had just gone through with Mark, who could blame me?
"Nuh-uh! I've just made a lot of mistakes, so I'm pretty forgiving of others." She set her glass down. "So, do you want to sleep over tonight? Or should we call a cab?"
I watched her face move from excitement to concern quickly as I started to cry.
"Oh god Lacey, I wasn't kicking you out! I just meant should we call a cab later?" She reached over and rubbed my back.
I buried my head in my hands. "I'm so sorry. Ben and I used to have 'sleepovers.'" I used air quotes when I spoke.
"Aw sweetie. Come here, it's ok." She pulled me in and hugged me. I inhaled her perfume.
"God I'm such an idiot! Why am I crying? It has to be the wine making me weepy."
She pulled back, looking at me. "Or maybe it's because you miss Ben?" I quickly looked away. I wasn't ready to talk about him. "It's ok if you do. I know he misses you."
Or maybe I was. My eyes whipped back to hers. "How do you know?"
"He's told me. He's told Johnny. He's told Todd. He's a mess, Lacey."
I reached for the wine bottle, refilling my glass. I felt a slight twinge of relief with her words. Not that I was happy he was unhappy, but knowing he seemed just as miserable as me for some reason made me feel better. "Well he hasn't tried to talk to me at all. And obviously with how much our paths could potentially cross, it wouldn't be hard for him to do so."
"Yeah, but do you think he thinks you would want him to do that? You left him. He feels horrible about it."
Good point. I sat silently, staring at the wine book on the coffee table. A giant knot in my stomach tightened. What the hell had I done?
"I made a huge mistake, didn't I?" I brought my eyes up to hers.
Shannon sat quietly, shrugging her shoulders.
"Oh my god, I did! I have to get him back!" I slapped my forehead. "I should go."
I stood quickly, then stumbled back onto the couch. Whoa, I was a little tipsy.
"Are you ok?" Shannon asked, laughing.
I broke into a fit of giggles. "Yes, I'm just a little drunk. But I need to see him, do you think it's too late?"
She grabbed her phone off the arm of the couch. "It's eleven. That's not too late. It's never too late for love!" she yelled dramatically.
"Can you call me a cab? I'm going to go fix my makeup!" I couldn't contain my excitement. How could I have been so stupid?
"Yes, go!" she cried, shoving me playfully.
I jumped up, this time maintaining my balance, and bolted to the bathroom. I grabbed some of Shannon's eye liner and mascara, retouching. My cheeks were already rosy from the wine. I grabbed some hair spray, trying to fluff up my hair.
My heart was fluttering in my chest. I had been so ridiculous, worrying about other people again. I wanted Ben, I loved Ben. I just hoped I wasn't too late.
"Ok, cab's here," Shannon called.
I stepped out of the bathroom, hugging her tightly. "Thanks."
"Go get him!" she bubbled. And out the door I went.
I drummed my fingers on my legs the whole cab ride home. I practically flew out when we arrived, running to the elevator. I got in, and dug through my purse. There it was, on the little Antonio's Pizza keychain, his key. I clutched it, smiling. I wasn't sure why it had taken all this, but there was nothing more that I wanted in the world than to be with Ben.
The elevator doors slid open, and I stepped into his lobby. I cautiously put my key in the lock, my heart pounding. I swung the door open gently. It was pitch black. Oh shit, he's probably asleep! I hesitated for a moment before I heard footsteps coming toward the entryway. I stood there, frozen.
A light suddenly came on, and Ben's gorgeous sleepy face turned the corner. I watched the surprise register in his eyes.
"Lacey?"
Oh god, what was he thinking? What if he didn't want me here?
"It's me," I said quietly. He stood there in only his boxers, his muscles on full display. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry!"
Without saying a word, he lunged forward, grabbing my face and crashing his mouth to mine. I felt instant relief as his tongue caressed mine. God, I had missed him so much. Our kiss was rough and hungry. He pushed me back up against the wall, his hands not leaving the sides of my head. He had me pinned beneath his weight, the familiar hard bulge pressed into my leg. He pulled back briefly, his eyes were hot and full of desire. My chest heaved up and down as I tried to steady my breathing.
"Promise me you'll never run fr
om me again," he said, pain etched in his eyes.
"I promise, I promise. I love you so much," I cried as he hungrily brought my mouth to his. God, I needed him more than I ever had before. Why had I been so stupid? My groin ached and was already wet with desire. I brought his hands down from my face and guided him to my pants, encouraging him to take them off. He quickly got to work as I whipped off my top. I was frantic. He brought my pants down, helping me step out of them, breaking our kiss for a moment. It was one moment too long. Our eyes locked as he pinned me harder up against the wall, pushing my face to the side, running his tongue along my neck, down to my breasts. I reached back, unhooking my bra, letting it fall off my arms to the ground. He brought my nipple into his mouth, licking and sucking on it while using his thumb to attend to the other one. He rolled it, then squeezed it, gently at first, then increasingly rougher.
I moaned loudly, running my hands up the wall behind me. His touch was sending wave after wave of sensation down below. He started to kneel on the ground in front of me, his kisses trailing down my stomach, down to my sex. He kissed me lightly through my panties. I was going crazy with want; he was being such a tease. He knew exactly what he was doing. I pressed myself up against his lips, willing him to put his mouth on me. His strong hands gripped my thighs.
"Do you want me to kiss you there?" he asked gruffly.
I moaned softly. "Yes, please."
His hands suddenly reached to the band of my panties, roughly splitting them in two as his tongue zeroed in on my clit. I cried out, the pleasure quickly becoming intense. I knew he was going to make me come quickly. His tongue rolled and swirled over my sex, not letting up. I loved this man so much, and he could do incredible things to my body. He gently started to suck my clit, creating a completely different sensation, bringing me even more quickly to the brink. I felt his hand move from my thigh up to my sex, his fingers entering me, massaging me. It was the final move that sent me flying over the edge, causing me to cry out, my body pulsing with ecstasy.
"You are amazing. How do you do this to me?" I breathed.
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