The Secret Love of a Gentleman

by Jane Lark

  Drew had purchased many of the animals Rob had liked and arranged for them to be transported home. Decisions Rob had made would have a future influence on Drew’s estate. Descendants of the animals Rob had picked would be there for George to benefit from. Those thoughts had made Rob feel good, and he’d decided then to share his plan to move into politics with Drew. Of all the men in his family Drew was the one he trusted most not to interfere. Drew’s eyebrows had lifted in surprise, but then he’d smiled warmly, slapped Rob’s shoulder and offered his support—not with money or possessions, as the rest of Rob’s family would have done, but through friendship and the use of his voice.

  Rob smiled as they climbed the steps to John’s house. Pride in his chest. Pride and not inferiority. But then he’d never felt inferior in Drew’s company. That was why he’d gone to Drew’s in the summer, and that was good, because he hoped later, or perhaps tomorrow, to ask Drew for Caro’s hand in marriage. That had been another influence on his decision to share his plans with Drew.

  When he walked upstairs to the drawing room beside Drew, he itched inside to tell Caro about his day, but the drawing room was full of visitors again. Of course, the family had been out yesterday. These people had come to discover what had happened during the dance between the Marquis of Kilbride and the former marchioness. Caro would not speak of it anyway.

  Caro glanced at Drew and Rob as they entered, but there was no special smile and no particular look for Rob. In fact, she appeared uncomfortable with his presence as he stood at the edge of the room, accepting a cup of tea, which Mary brought over to him. Caro actively tried not to look at him, and when he made a comment in a conversation she bit her lip for a moment before continuing the discussion, only glancing at him for an instant.

  He drank his tea quickly, then chose to leave. He would not achieve a private moment with Caro in this setting, and she seemed confident enough with her callers. But before he left he asked Mary where they were to go that evening and if he might accompany them. He would have a private moment with Caro then, whether she willed it or not. He would drag her from the damned ballroom if he must. He was starting to think that she had, for some reason, taken against him since her incident with Kilbride.

  Perhaps she blamed him for not protecting her…

  ~

  Caro’s heart pounded out a sharp rhythm, knocking against her ribs as she read Rob’s words once more. He wished them to be engaged. To tell everyone.

  I know the two of you discovered a friendship in the summer, but it should have gone no further. If you are his first, such a thing engenders emotion, and Rob is a young man with high morals. If you have lain with him, he will feel obligated to marry you.

  Oh, she hated to think that Drew’s words were true, and yet she knew Rob well enough to realise that he would offer for her from feeling, without thought, because his heart was too full of goodness. Drew was right, Rob could never have allowed himself to lie with her and not offer more, and now she’d come into danger and he wished to do all he could to protect her.

  He would give up his youth.

  She would be cruel to take it from him. She’d forced him into this, not deliberately, but she’d done it none the less. She should give it back to him. But to do so she would have to persuade him she felt nothing. If he thought she cared, he would not make his choices on his own behalf but for her. She needed to give him the time to find his pathway to fulfil his great plan to change the world for the better. He should have his youth to focus on the things he wished to achieve.

  Perhaps, when he was older and he’d gained his seat, and established the respect of others in the House of Commons, then there might be a future for them.

  She folded his letter and slipped it into her bodice. She would treasure it. It was her first letter from him.

  If there is really something between you it will last the years.

  She hoped it would, with all her heart.

  Yet she was going to let Rob go because his morals and idealism deserved to be treated like for like. She would let their hearts be bruised and hope that in the future there would be more time together.

  She took one last look at herself in the mirror, his words pressing against her breast when she breathed in. She would keep them there forever, in case it was all she had of him.

  She turned, then, and walked from the room.

  When she walked downstairs, she saw Rob in the hall. He’d called to travel with them as he had every night he’d accompanied them. He still had his hat and gloves on, and he was dressed in his evening black and white. His beauty was starker when he was in evening dress, because of his dark-brown hair and dark-blue eyes. Black seemed to hide the softness in him.

  He looked up and watched her as she descended the last few steps, then his eyes followed her movement across the hall. She could see he wished to take her hand.

  “Caro.” Drew was beside her. He cupped her elbow, stopping her before she might reach Rob. She apologised to Rob with her eyes. I love you. But she could not form a smile.

  “Are we ready to leave?” John asked.

  “We are indeed,” Edward answered.

  They walked out to the carriages, Drew still holding her arm. But they were to travel as they’d done the other night. Rob was to ride in the same carriage as her.

  Drew held her fingers firmly as he helped her up into the carriage, while Rob stood on the pavement behind her. Then Drew handed Mary up before climbing in and then sitting beside Mary. When Rob climbed up he sat beside Caro, but his posture was stiffer than normal.

  Her heart thumped as her thigh brushed against his when the carriage rocked as it rolled over the cobbles.

  His hands lay on his thighs, his palms flat and fingers spread. She could not look at his face. She knew that he’d recognised something was not right yesterday. Today he’d watched her with a need for explanations in his eyes.

  Drew spoke to him about the animals he’d bought and Mary commented. Caro sat in silence.

  She turned to look out of the window, into the blackness. It would break her heart entirely to let Rob go.

  When they reached the Newcombs’ house Rob was the first to jump down from the carriage, but Drew climbed down next and again ensured he was the one who took Caro’s hand. Rob helped Mary as Drew held on to Caro as though she was his possession. He was simply trying to break what was between her and Rob, and yet it was breaking both of them too.

  I will miss him.

  Rob did not try to speak with her or ask her to dance when they reached the ballroom. Instead he asked one of his cousins to dance.

  A sharp pain pierced through her breast as he walked out onto the floor.

  He must have felt the same, or worse, when she’d taken Phillip’s hand and climbed into his carriage. It had felt wrong and yet she’d tried to look happy all day yesterday, as she’d watched Rob play with the children, remembering everything about him that she loved.

  Drew asked her to dance, but Caro declined. For a moment she just wished to hide among the family. She had proved to herself that she could be brave. She needed to prove nothing now; she was only here to speak with Rob.

  “Kilbride is across the room and staring at you again,” Drew stated in a low voice as he and Mary hovered near her.

  She had known. She’d sensed him watching. But it did not matter; she did not care anymore.

  “Would you dance with me, Caroline?” John asked when the current dance came to its end. She agreed, because he might be insulted if she said no, and the Duke had been kind to her through the years.

  She danced the next three dances too, partnered by her brother, then Rob’s father and his uncle Richard.

  Rob danced the second with Mary, and the third with his mother, but during the fourth he stood out, at the edge of the room, watching Caro, with his arms folded over his chest. She felt his gaze as heat on her skin.

  When Richard returned her to the family group, the notes of a slow waltz stretched through the roo
m.

  “Will you dance with me?” Rob stood beside her, his gloved hand lifted, waiting for hers to be set within it.

  Love was strange and cruel.

  Why had her heart picked another unsuitable man? But one who was unsuitable for entirely the opposite reasons. Albert had been cruel and much older than her; Rob was much younger and had a heart that was as precious as gold, open and kind. She would break it, and perhaps tarnish it forever.

  The rush of warmth she felt in his company swirled over her as she took his hand. She could not help loving him.

  His dark-blue eyes watched as his fingers closed around hers, in a gesture that said, I have you at last.

  Her heart skipped a beat and then pumped hard as he walked her to the floor.

  “Hello, Caro,” he whispered.

  It was the strangest thing to say. They had been together for over two hours, they had travelled here together, and yet she understood why he said it. He said it because he was saying hello to the person only he knew, the person she became with him.

  “How are you? Are you holding up? Did you receive my letter?”

  She nodded and then bit her lip as the pain of tears gathered in her throat.

  The music played more strongly and the dance began. He turned her, his hand at her back, steady and strong.

  “Have you an answer for me, then? Because your expression is worrying me, and yesterday I felt as though you avoided me.”

  “I’m sorry,” she forced the words from her lips, but no more would come. She bit her lip again to hold back the tears.

  “For what?”

  She swallowed and took a breath. She had to tell him this and say it in a way that ensured he believed it. “I cannot marry you.”

  “Why?” His gaze searched hers as his fingers tightened about her hand. “I will wait, though, if you wish. We need not announce our engagement now. Yet I would simply like everyone to know you are mine.”

  “No, Rob. I mean I cannot marry you at all.”

  His expression looked as though he’d tasted something bitter.

  “I’m sorry.”

  His gaze left her face and he turned her three or four more times, the muscle in his jaw taut, forming an indent in his cheek. Then he breathed out and broke his hold on her, stepping back and changing his grip on her hand.

  They were near the edge of the floor, and near the door out into the hall. He pulled her from the floor into the crowd, but it was not done aggressively. People about them noticed, though, and gazes followed them as Rob walked her into the hall. He let go of her hand and gripped her elbow, steering her away from the eyes that watched them.

  The hall was empty bar three footmen. Rob did not even look at them, but turned to the right and opened the first door. It was a small dining room. He shut the door before anyone might follow and find them.

  “Cannot…” Was all Rob stated when he let her go.

  Her hands clasped together at her waist, as she sought the courage he’d seen in her. “I have changed my mind. What we did was wrong and foolish.” She did not wish to be a coward in this. The least she could do for him was to speak to him openly and treat him fairly.

  “Why?” There was anger in his voice.

  “Because you are so young. You cannot be sure that this is what you wish.” Yet he knew he wished to do good for others. But Drew was right, if she had seduced him into loving her, she must let him go and follow the path he’d intended before she’d interfered. His commitment to her could be misguided by physical emotions.

  He looked at her as though she was mad, and breathed out a long breath that was not a sigh but an expression of frustration.

  Caro stepped forward and touched his arm. “Drew has told me that he thinks you are innocent. Was I your first?” The wounded look in his eyes said it was true.

  He shook his head, and yet she could see his skin darkening with a blush in the light of the single candelabra burning in the room. It stood in the middle of the table, its light flickering on the polished wood.

  It was true. “Then, don’t you see, you will love the first woman you have lain with, of course you will, but it will be a love that is unlikely to last. It may be shallow, not real at all, just a physical feeling.”

  “That is not how I feel.”

  “You cannot know, Rob. You have nothing to compare it to.”

  A muscle flickered in his jaw. “I am one and twenty. I am able to know my own mind. What I feel for you is neither shallow nor purely from the physical act, it is a need that grips in my chest, about my heart. I accept this may be too soon for us, but that does not mean you have to end what we have.”

  “I’m sorry, but it is better for us both if I do.”

  “For us both…” His pitch had sharpened and dropped an octave or two. “Why is it better for you? You have changed towards me since you danced with Kilbride? Do you still love him? Is that why you no longer wish for me?”

  She longed to shake her head, and yet if that was what he believed, then he would forget her, and he would continue his life without carrying any hope that might affect his choices.

  “You need to live your life how you wish. You need to fulfil your dream of helping those more needy than either of us, and it will take time and all of your attention to cut a path in this world to achieve it. I will not be a rope around your neck or a shackle about your ankle, holding you back. Let me go, and you may have the life you ought.”

  “Let you go to him…” It was said in a low, hurt voice. “Does Drew know this is what you plan to do?”

  “I have no plan. I simply know that you and I made a mistake. I’m sorry.”

  He looked up at the ceiling. His hand lifted and gripped his hair for a moment, then fell. It was as though he searched for the words or an action that might change her mind.

  He looked at her again, then, and swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple shifting.

  He could change nothing.

  Hurt, anger and accusations hovered in his eyes, but he did not voice them. “Is there nothing I might say or do?”

  She shook her head. “I am sorry that I have hurt you, but in years to come you will see this was the right choice.” She hoped in those years he did not find someone else to love, and that they would be together again. If there is really something between you it will last the years… Yet she would be over thirty, and Rob would probably see that it had been folly.

  “That was condescending of you, Caro. You are speaking to me as though I am a youth. I do not need years to know what I feel. I know it now. So, then, the fault is yours. You do not have enough faith in me, or respect for me.” He shook his head, as if in disbelief—or disappointment. “Well, as you deem my love not worthy of you, then I shall not force it, or my presence, on you any longer.” He turned away.

  She had struck him where it hurt most, slashing at his feelings of inferiority. He had never been inferior to his cousins. He was a superior man, even at the age of one and twenty.

  “Rob.” She reached out to catch hold of his arm. He pulled it free, merely glancing back.

  “Goodbye, Caro.”

  He turned away again and walked from the room, leaving the door open behind him, and leaving her.

  No. It could not end like that. She followed him into the hall, but he was already near the front door. A footman opened it, and then Rob was gone. He’d not even waited for his hat. The door closed behind him.

  It was over.

  She went to the retiring room and sat so that the Pembrokes’ maid might check her hair. She was hollow, numb. Her heart had not broken yet, and yet it felt empty, because he’d gone.

  She walked downstairs feeling wraith-like. She had no real idea where she was or who she was anymore. She did not exist without Rob.

  Albert stood in the hall below. He’d been speaking to a footman. When he turned to the stairs the footman opened the door and went out.

  Caro walked on, ignoring Albert’s presence. She did not care about him. He had n
o meaning in her life. She had no feeling for him: not love, nor fear, nor interest.

  “Caro.” He grasped her arm and glanced down at her throat and then her bosom before his gaze lifted. He was looking at the absence of the cross he’d given her.

  Rob’s touch had been gentle to the last. Albert’s had been brutal from the first. He’d always gripped her arm over-tightly, even before the beatings had begun. It was his way of saying “you are mine”. Only I am not, not anymore.

  “You will dance with me.” It was not a question but a statement, and through his hold on her arm he began steering her back into the ballroom.

  Heart-sore and empty she let herself be led.

  The orchestra was playing another waltz. Albert clasped her hand and lay his other hand on her back, then began to turn her. It was fast-paced. He spun her aggressively into a turn.

  “What is that boy to you?”

  “It is none of your concern.” Her pitch was as flat and hollow as her heart.

  “Have your tastes turned to that of your sister’s?”

  That was what Drew had accused her of too, of being like Elizabeth. Elizabeth used young men like toys. No, Caro was not like Elizabeth, nor Albert. She’d given herself, not taken.

  Feelings were returning to her now: anger, disgust. “I do not wish to dance with you.”

  “I suppose you would rather be with that child?”

  “He is not a child.” She would not listen to Albert ridiculing Rob.

  “He is barely a man.”

  Caro stopped, pulling free of Albert’s hold, but he clasped her arm as she tried to walk away. “Let me go. You cannot control me now.”

  He stared at her, time hovering over them. Then finally he let go. It was over. Any involvement with him was at an end. She had let him go from her heart and now she let him go from her head. She was free from memories and fear, from the pain he’d caused her. “Rob Marlow is more of a man than you will ever be,” she breathed at him.