Let Love Be

by Melissa Collins

  “That’s fantastic, Linda. I’m proud of you.” She stands to go back to her cube before taking one backward glance. “Any chance Evan’s got some hot friends?”

  That gets another loud laugh out of me. Dismissing her with an eye roll, I get back to my newest project. Half-focused and half-daydreaming, the rest of the workday passes by in the blink of an eye. Knowing that there’s someone waiting for me at home makes me all the more anxious to get there. But today, for some odd reason, there’s a palpable tension filling the living room when I walk through the front door.

  Evan is sitting on the couch, his head cupped in his hands, elbows propped on his thighs. He doesn’t even realize I’ve walked into the room because he startles when I sit next to him. Slowly, he tilts his head up to me, his eyes shining with unshed tears, but he doesn’t say anything.

  “Ev, sweetie. What’s wrong?” I keep my tone calm and even, trying to stay calm myself. He opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out. The tears that were threatening just a second ago fall from his eyes as he pulls me to his chest. “You’re scaring me,” the words fall shakily from my lips. He holds me at arm’s length and wipes the tears away from his face. Before holding both of my hands in his, he sweeps my hair from my face and looks me straight in the eye.

  The room spins as he says four simple words that crush my heart. “It’s Chloe. She’s gone.” He pulls me back to his chest where I let the emotion overtake me. As I cry into his shirt, he tries his best to calm me, rubbing my back and cooing into my ear.

  Looking up at him with what I’m sure are mascara-streaked and puffy-with-red-from-crying eyes, I swipe at my cheeks and let out a shaky breath. “When? What happened?”

  I know parts of the story. Aimee called me a few weeks ago to let me know Chloe had a relapse and needed to undergo more chemo, but of course, they were hopeful. Chloe had already beaten the odds once, so they were hopeful that this would be just one more minor setback on Chloe’s road to recovery.

  I guess the world just isn’t that fair, or kind for that matter.

  “Late last night.” Evan’s words break through my silent and angry thoughts. “They tried calling you at work this afternoon, but you must have left already. I just knew it − when I saw their number on the caller ID − I knew the reason they were calling. I almost didn’t pick it up,” he laughs a humorless laugh. “Like that would make it less true or something like that.” He holds me, trying desperately to comfort me through my tears. “Lucy, I’m so sorry. What can I do?” He kisses my hair and pulls me closer.

  “Nothing, sweetie. There’s nothing anyone can do.” I let him hold me, because in this moment, that’s all that can be done. The world isn’t a fair place; that’s a lesson I learned long ago. It’s not as if that knowledge makes Chloe’s death any easier to deal with. But Evan’s strong arms allow some of the pain to seep out of my body and soul.

  The next few days are tear filled and gut wrenching. Evan is by my side the entire time, a pillar of strength and compassion, but I know he’s hurting inside too. Watching parents say goodbye to their only child, who they fought so hard to save, changes the way you look at the world, makes you value the people you have in your life.

  In the days after Chloe’s funeral, I spend a lot of time on the phone with Melanie, who reminds me to find happiness in the things we have to look forward to, Maddy’s baby shower, wedding dress shopping and a brand new grandbaby who should be here in just a few weeks.

  And she’s right, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in all of my years, no matter how many downs there are in life, there’s always one more up to pull you out of what you think will be the worst.

  “I can’t believe this is actually happening. This is the best birthday present ever.” It’s quite possible that Melanie is more excited than I am.

  “You realize it’s not for you, right?” I laugh as she scans the display case at the antique jewelry shop.

  “Yeah, yeah. But it’s sparkly and I get to help you pick it out. And it’s going to make Mom happier than anything. So it kind of is for me.” This kid is something else, but I’m so relieved that she’s happy. I knew she’d be excited when I asked her to go ring shopping with me, but I had no clue she would be this elated.

  “Sorry I’m late. I got here as soon as work finished.” Maddy comes up behind us, looping her arm through Melanie’s.

  “I was getting worried you weren’t going to make it,” Melanie says.

  “This?” Maddy sweeps her hand across the counter, as if she’s auctioning something off on The Price is Right. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world. I’m just happy you both wanted me here for it.” She smiles up at me and I recall the loud shriek that deafened me when I called her the other day to ask if she’d like to join us.

  I can’t imagine doing this without Lucy’s girls by my side. As important as it is to me, I know it’s just as meaningful to them. Her happiness is their happiness, and there’s no way I could ever deprive them of that. I did, however, know better than to tell Linda. She’d blab in a heartbeat. So she’ll just be joining us for dinner tonight for what she thinks is a birthday celebration for Melanie.

  The girls go a little crazy, asking the clerk helping us to pull out pretty much every ring on display. They ooh and ahh over all the diamonds, but nothing is striking me as ‘the one’.

  “What about this one, Evan?” Melanie holds up a ring for me to check out.

  “It’s okay, but I don’t know. It’s just kind of plain, you know?” She turns it over in her hand before sliding it back into the case. Maddy suggests a few, but again, nothing is standing out. I’d like to say that my indecision is due in part to my nerves, but that’s definitely not the case. I’m not nervous about this at all. I never thought I would have this opportunity in my life - the chance to love someone else with everything I’ve got, the chance to spend every single day married to the one person I know I can’t do without.

  “If nothing here is catching your eye,” the sales clerk says. “Maybe you’d like something from this case. These are a bit more detailed - filigree bands, unique settings and lots of different profiles.” She pulls out a tray of five rings and it’s there. My attention is caught immediately, and in a second flat, I know that the one-and-a-half carat oval cut diamond, centered between two quarter-carat sapphires of the same cut is the ring with which I’ll ask Lucy to marry me.

  The girls agree, almost in unison, clapping hands and all, that this is definitely the ring.

  Now, all I have to do is ask.

  Lucy knows that everyone is coming over for dinner tonight, but she thinks it’s just a belated birthday party for Melanie who couldn’t make it home on her actual birthday because of classes. What she doesn’t realize is that it was all just a ploy to have the most important people in her life be here to bear witness to me asking her to marry me.

  “She’s here!” Melanie squeals as Lucy’s car rolls into the driveway. When she gets inside, everyone pretends to be busy doing something else - not wanting to make a big deal out of her just arriving home from work. The excitement is so overwhelming I’m surprised Lucy hasn’t picked up on it.

  After saying hello to Melanie, Maddy and Reid, and kissing baby Braden to pieces, she comes over to me to let me know that she’s just going to get changed before dinner. She’s oddly quiet, letting me know that something’s off.

  Standing next to me in the kitchen as I put the finishing touches on the meal, Linda leans over, noticing the cool demeanor of Lucy’s greeting. “Work’s been crazy lately. Maybe she just had a bad day.” Linda’s suggestion does little to make me feel as if her stressful day is truly the culprit of her stilted mood.

  Leaving Linda in charge of a few last details, I walk upstairs, passing by Melanie and Maddy as they ogle over the baby while Reid watches on. “Hey,” I call into our room, but she’s not in there.

  I find her sitting on the closed lid of the toilet, holding her head in her hands. I crouch in front of h
er and pull her hands away from her cheeks only to find tears there. “Hey, love. What’s wrong?”

  Her intake of breath is shaky and sharp and the pained look that flits across her face scares the shit out of me. When she says, “I found a lump in my breast,” I swear the ground just swallows me up.

  Shaking my head, as if it will shake away what I just heard, the reality of her words is just not settling in. All I can manage is a quiet and repetitive, “No…no…no.”

  Then resolve sets in. I’ve dedicated my life and career to saving strangers; there’s no way in hell I won’t save the one person who means the most to me. “Talk to me, love. What happened? When did you find it? Have you been to the doctor?”

  “I found it last week.” Her admission catches me way off guard.

  “Last week,” I gulp down my shock. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Oh, Evan.” Her voice wobbles. “I didn’t want to scare you. I was so scared myself that I just… I don’t know. I should have told you, but I just wanted to see what it was first before I worried you.”

  I pull her hands up to my lips, pressing a gentle kiss there as I stare at her bright blue eyes. “You are never a burden,” I assure her. “Now, tell me the rest.”

  Over the next twenty minutes, she fills me in on all of the details. She found it in the shower one day and didn’t make a big deal of it at first, trying her best to remain calm until the doctor could see her. It turns out that while I was out with the girls picking out an engagement ring, she was off at the doctor, by herself, finding out that she has to have surgery in the coming weeks to have the lump removed and tested for cancer because the initial biopsy was inconclusive.

  Part of me is angrier than fuck that she did all of this without me, out of some misplaced need to protect. But I fight back that part and be the man who I know she needs right now. One who stand by her choices and listen to her concerns.

  In the few minutes of silence that follow, I hold onto this woman who I love more than anything else in my life, more afraid than ever that I’ll lose her. “It’s okay, love. We’ll figure it all out. I’m right here by your side and so is everyone else.” After a brief pause, I pull away from her and search her face. “Do you want to tell them now, or should I send everyone home, let this digest a little.”

  “I want to tell them now; they need to know.” Her words carry more resolve than they did previously, and I know it’s because she wants to appear brave and unafraid, knowing full well that everyone else will feel exactly the opposite. Knowing that she only lets herself be weak and vulnerable when she’s in my arms, makes my heart break even more.

  “I’ll be right next to you.” She stands and hugs me tightly, pulling strength from me, I’m sure. We lace our fingers together and walk down the stairs.

  Melanie sees us first and her face falls immediately. “Mom? What’s wrong?” Her words are merely above a whisper, but they’re enough to catch Maddy, Linda and Reid’s attention. With all eyes on us, Lucy walks into the living room and asks everyone to sit down.

  “Momma, is everything okay?” Maddy asks as she holds Braden tightly to her chest. Lucy leans down and kisses the baby’s head before cradling him in her own arms. Smiling down at the bright and innocent face of her grandson, she wipes away a final tear.

  When she says, “I might have breast cancer,” all of the oxygen is sucked out of the room with everyone’s collective and shocked gasp.

  “Oh, come here, Melly Belly.” Lucy cradles Braden in one arm as she pulls Melanie into a tight hug with the other. Tears spring to her eyes. “It’ll all be okay, somehow.” Maddy moves next to them and they all wrap their arms around each other, the baby cuddled in between all three of them. Linda curls around Melanie, completing the group hug. I can see Reid vibrate with anger. Having just lost his own mother less than a year ago, I can imagine his pain is still raw, still too new to register the possibility of losing Lucy, the only other woman who has loved him as a mother should.

  I stand beside him and clap a hand to his shoulder as we stand behind the huddled-together women. He drops a hand to Maddy’s shoulder and I drop one to Lucy’s. So much goes unsaid in those few moments when we stand there holding each other. But the overwhelming feeling of family, of love and of determination flows through each and every one of us.

  Dinner passes quickly and all too quietly, and just around the time I had hoped to get down on one knee and begin celebrating, everyone else is so emotionally drained that they head home for the night.

  “I think I’m going to go take a nice hot bath.” Lucy stands from the table where she, Melanie and I are sitting. After putting her mug in the dishwasher, she kisses Melanie’s forehead and says goodnight. She pats my shoulder as she walks past me, and even though I want to follow her to make sure she’s all right, I know she needs some time to herself.

  “Hey, you okay over there?” I ask Melanie after Lucy is up the stairs. If she’s anything like her mother, she’s obviously an ace at hiding what’s really going on in her head.

  Shrugging her shoulders lamely, she doesn’t say anything at first, but I see the pain in her eyes. “Come here, Melanie. It’ll be okay.” I slide my chair next to hers and pull her into a hug, draping my arm over her shoulders. Her outburst of emotion blasts into me full force and she lets go of everything she must have been holding back.

  Through the anguished sounds of her sobbing, she mumbles against my shoulder, “I’m so afraid to lose her. I can’t even think about it…” Her words are swallowed by her fears.

  “Shh, I know. I can’t lose her either, and we’re not going to. She’s the strongest woman I’ve ever known. We’ll all pull through this together as a family.” I let her cry and cry as I bite back my own tears.

  After she calms down, wipes the tears away and takes a few deep, unsteady breaths, she looks over to me with such a lost look. “Are you still going to ask her to marry you?” she asks through her quieting sobs.

  “Of course I am,” the resolute words instantly fall from my lips without a second thought. “No matter what happens, I want to marry her. Asking her tonight just wasn’t in the cards, but I promise you, I will ask her.”

  “She doesn’t deserve this, you know?” She searches the ceiling as if some kind of divine intervention will just be dangling there. I reach for her hand and squeeze it gently.

  “No, Melanie, she most certainly doesn’t. But she’s got us to take care of her and that’s exactly what we’ll do. Speaking of,” I tip my head toward the stairs as I get up from the table, “I’m going to go check on her now. Make sure she’s okay.”

  Melanie nods and smiles weakly at me as I leave the room, lost to her own private thoughts about how to best deal with this bombshell.

  By the time I get to our room, Lucy’s already out of the tub, sitting on the edge of the bed in one of my T-shirts and her pink fluffy robe. Her face looks exhausted, her eyes puffy from all the crying. She curls into my arms before my ass even hits the mattress.

  “I’m so scared. I just…I mean…what if, what if …” she chokes out past her tears.

  “Shh…shh.” I try to calm her but she rips herself out of my arms.

  Standing in front of me, her fists balled tightly at her sides, she’s vibrating with anger. “Why is life so fucking unfair, huh?” She throws her arms up in the air, flippantly huffing her frustrations to the ceiling. “Who the fuck decides how much pain one person gets in their lifetime?” She starts pacing the room frantically. Her sudden rage takes me by surprise, so much so I just don’t know what to do right away. So I just listen and let her get everything out.

  “What have I ever done wrong? What did I ever do to deserve this on top of everything else? Or Chloe for that matter. What on Earth did that poor, sweet girl ever do wrong? Hell, she didn’t even get to live long enough to do anything wrong!” Her voice is near screaming, and in between her bursts of anger, I hear Melanie jogging up the stairs.

  “And Jimmy,” she grabs his
bottle of cologne from the dresser where she still keeps it, even after all these years. “Why is it fair that he was taken from me…from Melanie…why?” Her voice cracks with the yell as she hurls the bottle clear across the room. Melanie cracks the door open slightly, just as the bottle collides with the wall, smashing into hundreds of tiny shards. We both watch on, not exactly sure how to handle Lucy’s breakdown. Though completely understanding of it, neither of us knows how to react to it.

  When the silence becomes too much, Lucy collapses to the floor. Shaking, sobbing and heaving through her pain, I kneel before her and wrap my arms around her. All too willingly, she curls her arms around me and continues crying. “I−I’m…s−so s-orry…” Her words are broken up by shorts gasps of breath as her sobs get stuck in her throat. Melanie falls to the floor with us and wraps her arms around Lucy from behind. “It’s okay, Mom. Everything’s going to be okay. And even if it’s not, we’ve got each other to figure out how to make it be okay in the end.”

  Lucy chuffs out a small laugh against my t-shirt. “How’d you get to be so smart?” Lucy shifts so she’s sitting cross-legged in between Melanie and me. We exchange a brief look, before Melanie says, “I guess it’s just one of those things I picked up from you over the years. I love you, Mom, and we are going to beat this. All of us. Together. As a family, right, Evan?”

  “Without a doubt.” I’ve never said anything with more conviction. I know in the deepest recesses of what I thought was a broken heart, I will never be anything but a part of this family.

  “God, look what I did. I’m sorry. I should clean…” She moves to stand up, but I beat her to it.

  “I’ll get it.” I cover her shaking hands with mine.

  Lucy walks Melanie to her room while I clean up the mess. Just as I’m done vacuuming up the last shard of glass from the rug, Lucy comes back into the room.