Flip the Bird

by Kym Brunner

  “They ‘claim,’” she said with air quotes, “that they’re doing scientific research, but in reality, they’re injecting Botox into boxers and performing cosmetic surgery on baby pigs to test new plastic surgery procedures. Totally disrespecting the right of all creatures to live naturally.”

  Killing dogs and giving pigs plastic surgery? There was no way my mother was performing those sorts of atrocities. Although, now that I thought about it, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’d be at least a little curious about what a pig with a face-lift would look like. The thing is, I had always imagined Mom was, I don’t know, examining things under a microscope. I was definitely going to ask her about this at lunch. “Wow. Well, it’s nice of you to help out.”

  “Thanks!” Lucy beamed. “Protecting animals makes me happy.”

  “Me too,” I agreed, hoping she’d realize that we were both nature lovers. How perfect was that? Of course, she showed it in a different way than I did, but what did that matter?

  Before I could ask Lucy more questions, behind me Dad snapped, “Back off, lady.”

  I whipped around to see the crazy woman in purple yelling, “Dogs are humans with fur and they don’t deserve to suffer anguish and humiliation at the hands of murderers!” Her eyeballs bulged so wide open, they looked like they’d fall out if she sneezed. I almost laughed, thinking she was being theatrical on purpose, but no one else seemed amused, so I fought the urge.

  Dad pulled Maddie closer to him, scanning the area. The second he spotted me, his eyes narrowed and he angrily beckoned me over. I gulped. “Uh, can you hold on a second?”

  “I’m not going anywhere. We’re walking in circles anyway.” Lucy smiled and slipped back into line.

  Before I could even get within five feet of my dad, he sputtered, “What do you think you’re doing?” His face reddened the way it does when he trips over my shoes.

  I shrugged, not sure why he was so uptight. “Nothing. Just talking to a girl from school.”

  Between clenched teeth, he spat, “No, you’re not. Let’s go!”

  I could tell by his expression that this was an order, not a request. But I wasn’t about to walk away a second time without at least asking for my dream girl’s number. “Gimme one second, okay? I just need to ask her something.” When his nostrils started to flare, I brilliantly added, “It’s about homework.”

  Dad stared at me and then at the protesters. “Make it fast. And don’t mention anything about your mother.” Duh, I wanted to say, wondering exactly how stupid he thought I was.

  As I walked back toward the protesters, the woman in purple began swaying back and forth with her eyes closed, chanting some gibberish about salvation. I spied Lucy heading back toward me, but how was I going to ask her for her number with all these people yelling out slogans and my father waiting impatiently twenty feet away? Talk about awkward.

  As Lucy approached, she had a curious look on her face. Her gorgeous green eyes searched out mine. “Hey, I just thought of something. You’re not here to visit someone who works in the lab, are you?”

  I could tell from her tone that the correct answer to her question wasn’t “as a matter of fact, my mom’s the director here.” So instead I winced, pretending I’d rather cut my leg off with a butter knife than associate with someone who worked at this slaughterhouse. “What? No. We’re here to pick up some forms about college for my older brother for next year. He’s a senior.”

  If Lincoln had been there with me then, he’d have used this opportunity to say, “But as long as I’m here, can I pick you up too?” But that wasn’t my style. Not that I had a style, because I was such a newbie at this. I cleared my throat, deciding I’d just need to come out with it. I swallowed, feeling an unnatural smile spread across my lips. “So I was wondering if—”

  “Stop the slaughter of innocent dogs!” the crazy woman shrieked, collapsing to the ground in a heap at my feet.

  My anxiety was already pumping at full speed, but this shot it through the roof. Had she actually passed out, or was this part of the act? I knelt down by her side. “Are you okay?”

  “She’s fine,” Lucy intoned, sounding embarrassed. “She has low blood pressure and when she gets excited, she sort of faints. Happens all the time. C’mon, Mom. Stand up.”

  Holy crap! Purple jump-suit lady was her mother? Lucy and I each grabbed a flabby arm and got her back on her feet. “There you go,” I said, trying to sound positive. “Feeling better?” How did Lucy have such a nutjob for a mom and still turn out so nice?

  “Thank you, young man!” Lucy’s mother chirped. The color started returning to her chubby cheeks. “It’s rare to see such a gentleman in a fella who’s only . . .” She paused, waiting for my response.

  “Fourteen,” I replied, immediately regretting it. I should have said I was fifteen or sixteen because according to my brother, Dr. Lincoln of Loveology, girls wouldn’t date younger guys.

  “I am too!” Lucy said cheerfully, making me a bit more confident about my chances of getting her number.

  Her mother bustled off to rejoin the group of protesters when I heard Dad’s undeniable you’re-grinding-down-my-last-nerve voice. “Mercer, now!”

  Lucy bit her lip, glancing at the entrance to the lab. “You’d better go. Your father seems really anxious to get those forms.”

  After giving Dad the one-minute sign with my finger, I started to panic. How awkward would it be to just straight out ask for her phone number amid all this chaos? But then, somehow, the world’s greatest idea came to me. If I pretended to be interested in this dog protector club or whatever of hers, she’d totally think I was the right guy for her. Then voilá! I could have the prettiest, coolest girl around. “How can I get more information about your club?”

  “You want to join HALT?” Lucy's green eyes opened wide with delight as if I had just rescued her puppy from a burning building. “That’s so cool! If you want, I could call you tonight and tell you all about it. I totally wouldn’t mind.”

  And as it turned out, neither would I.

  “That’d be great.” Freakin’ amazing, in fact. I whipped out my wallet, handing her one of the fake business cards I’d made in graphic arts class that read JACKASS OF ALL TRADES, MASTER OF NUNS, with my name and phone number on it. Maybe it wasn’t the best impression of me, but it was probably the most accurate. Except the nun part. I didn’t know any nuns, but if I did, I bet I could be their master. If they’d let me, that is.

  “Talk to you later then, Lucy.” I gave her a head nod, trying to remain calm, but inside, my heart was leaping like eleven lords. After I turned toward the entrance, one glance at my dad’s face made me pick up the pace. While I’d expected him to shower me with remarks, I hadn’t expected a deluge. Literally. Droplets of liquid fury pelted my cheek as he spoke.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Dad looked at me, his eyebrows pinched together. “Don’t you know who those people are? Why were you talking so long and what did you give her?”

  Maddie stared at me, her arms crossed. “Yeah!”

  I ignored her, realizing Dad was in no mood to appreciate my smooth move with Lucy. So I said, “We’re working on a project together, so I gave her my phone number, that’s all.” Then I pushed past them, hoping to cut off any further discussion. After navigating the revolving doors, the echoey quiet of the university building made the protesters’ voices resemble the buzz of a fluorescent light in its final hour. Hopefully that would calm my father down as well.

  Once inside, Dad strode toward the elevator, waving me on. “As far as that girl is concerned, as soon as your project is done, you stay away from her. She’s bad news.”

  “Yeah!” Maddie repeated, sneering at me. “You made us wait for you because of her!”

  “Big deal. I’ve waited for you plenty of times.” Seriously, though. Why was Dad so worked up? I knew if I asked him for specifics, I’d get a ten-minute sermon about some obscure thing someone had done to him twenty years ago. So I kept my smile hi
dden as I buzzed with anticipation, wondering if Lucy would actually call.

  SIX

  WHEN WE WERE FINALLY HEADING UP TO MOM’S FLOOR, Maddie fixed her hair, gazing at herself in the shiny surface of the elevator’s front panel. “That whole thing was scary. Why did those people say Mom’s work kills dogs?”

  It’s got to be some stupid mix-up. Forget it and move on. We had better and juicier things to think about, like Elliot’s prime rib with creamy horseradish sauce on the side. My mouth watered picturing it.

  As Dad put his hand on my sister’s shoulder, I noticed that the lines around his eyes resembled finely chopped coleslaw in the subdued light of the elevator. Or maybe I was just projecting my hunger onto his face. Either way, he looked worried. “It probably has something to do with the heart attack study they’re conducting right now. It uses dogs as test subjects, and, yes, some dogs do lose their lives during the testing period, which is unfortunate. But Mom and the other scientists here make humans’ lives better by discovering drugs that help premature babies’ lungs to develop, or stop the spread of skin cancer, or prevent people from having seizures.”

  So it seemed that at least some of Lucy’s statements were true. No mention of face-lifts or Botox, though. Knowing how quickly a rumor could spread at school and—​let’s face it—​how juiced up it became each time a new person told the story, I wished I knew exactly what was true and what was juice.

  “But that’s so sad for the dogs.” Maddie puffed out her lips in full pout mode.

  It was kind of depressing. I mean, a dog could be a nice pet—​for a family who didn’t have thirteen birds of prey to take care of. But, sad as it was, if a few dogs’ lives saved millions of humans’ lives, maybe it was worth it. I wondered how many dogs they used before the study was over. And where’d they get the dogs anyway—​pet shops, dog shelters, back alleys? I doubted Mom would divulge that information to me. After all, I was merely a boy who lived in her house. Okay, so that was mean. But ever since she’d gotten this facility director’s job two years ago, she spent way more time there than at home, as evidenced by her being here on a Saturday. I missed the old mom, I guess, the one who got home at five every day and didn’t work on weekends.

  After exiting the elevator on Mom’s floor, we signed in and received our visitor’s badges. Two clean-cut guys in lab coats passed us, engaged in a heated discussion about bacterial infections. A sick feeling jumbled up my stomach. I was wondering if those guys were on their way to slaughter a shepherd or inject drugs into a pug. We walked to the reception area outside Mom’s office, admiring the large gold plaque on her door: DR. SHALENE BUDDIE, DIRECTOR OF RESEARCH. Dad whispered to Marla, Mom’s secretary, that we came to surprise her, so she shouldn’t announce we were there.

  We tiptoed past Marla, who smiled and waved to me. We huddled outside Mom’s office door, and on the count of three, Dad whipped it open. Maddie and I leaped into the room and yelled, “Surprise!”

  Mom glanced up from her computer. “Hey . . . what are you guys doing here?”

  Whoopee. Uncork the champagne.

  Dad closed the door. “We’re here to take the birthday girl out to lunch.”

  “Aw . . . how sweet. Give me one sec.” Mom typed a sentence or two and closed her laptop. I knew deep down she was happy to see us, but her commitment to this place seemed to take over her personality. Here at the university she was Dr. Shalene Buddie, a brilliant medical researcher, but at home she turned back into regular old Shay, a mom who liked red wine, medical mystery TV shows, and dark chocolate Milky Way bars. She looked at her watch, pursing her lips. “Hmm. I’ve got a mountain of work that’s due today, but I suppose I can take a short break for lunch, right?”

  “Hello? It’s your birthday!” Maddie exclaimed, as if that trumped everything else. I remember when I was little the shock of being told I had to go to school on my big day.

  “Thanks, baby.” Mom smiled at her, but I could see the tension in her eyes, her forehead, her neck. She looked at the rest of us. “I have one project I need to check on before we go, but it’s on our way out. Give me a minute to freshen up.”

  After pulling out a small makeup bag from her bottom desk drawer, Mom twisted the top off a lipstick tube. As I watched her paint her lips, it occurred to me that Maddie had Mom’s dark blond hair but Dad’s brown eyes, and I had Dad’s brown hair but her gray-blue eyes rimmed with navy. Guess that proved we were all genetically linked­­. Our craving for Milky Way bars might have been a clue too.

  Dad cleared his throat. “Just so you know, Shalene, some of those HALT protesters hassled us out there on the way in.”

  Hassled us? More like completely enthralled us with their beauty and charm. But I wasn’t about to contradict him. No one wanted to see Uptight Sputtering Man reappear.

  “What? Why didn’t anyone inform me?” Mom punched two numbers on the speakerphone, her mouth tight with anger. Why had Dad brought that up now? My stomach growled as we watched Mom tap her foot, waiting for Security to answer. We all stood frozen, listening, while the phone buzzed.

  “Security. Max here.”

  “Max, it’s Dr. Buddie. HALT’s out front again, and they’re breaching the security line. I want you to go warn them that if they step one foot onto the sidewalk or touch the visitors in any way, we’ll have them arrested for trespassing and assault; you got that?”

  “Yes, ma’am. Right away,” Max answered. “I’m heading there now.”

  “And if they ever show up again, I expect to be notified immediately.” She ended the call and picked up a manila folder off her desk.

  Part of me wanted to lighten the mood with “Hey! Lucy can touch this visitor any time she wants!” but I kept quiet. Though I wasn’t exactly sure where I stood on the whole dog issue, I knew everyone was blowing things out of proportion around here. Arresting them? On what charges? Touching the university’s sidewalk? How petty could my mother be?

  Mom smoothed her gray flannel skirt and heaved a huge sigh. “I probably shouldn’t be going to lunch while those protesters are here—​” Maddie cut in with some loud whining, but Mom silenced her with an upheld hand. “But if we keep it under an hour, I’ll do it. Okay with everyone?”

  Maddie cheered, but I shifted my eyes to Dad, wondering if he’d declare that we needed to change plans. Elliot’s Pine Log was only a few blocks away, but it was kind of fancy. It seemed to me that the fancier the place, the slower the waiters. Dad hurried ahead to open the door for my mom. “No problem,” he declared emphatically. Maybe I’d get that steak, after all.

  We were hurrying down the hall when Mom suddenly said, “Stay here, guys. I’ll be right back.” Her black heels clicked against the shiny tile floor as she made a beeline to the door marked AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY. She slid her ID through the slot and disappeared inside.

  A moment later, we heard the faint sound of a dog barking somewhere deep in the lab. I swallowed the bit of hot bile that rose up my throat. So there were definitely dogs here, but unless I was hallucinating, that one sounded alive to me.

  “Dogs are the best,” Maddie said to a man in a lab coat striding by. “Why do you have to kill them?”

  “Shut up, Maddie!” I elbowed her hard.

  “Sorry about that.” Dad held one hand up in apology. The young scientist smiled uncomfortably and continued his jaunt down the hall.

  Dad gave Maddie a look of reproach. “That’s private business, Madison. Mom can tell you more about it later. Just stand here quietly.”

  After what felt like ages, Mom burst through the door like a busy waitress bringing out an order. Or maybe that was my hunger insinuating itself into my perceptions again.

  “Okay, I’m all set now. Follow me,” she said brightly. “My car’s parked in back.”

  We hurried to match Mom’s brisk pace. Dad said, “Do you want to ask security to come out with us, Shay? Just in case?”

  Mom shook her head. “Nah, I think we’re okay. HALT goes for drama and
media attention. Nothing exciting about the employee parking lot.”

  We took a different elevator down, which led us to the back entranceway. We stepped outside, temporarily blinded by the sun. Mom scanned the lot, shielding her eyes. Before we could go anywhere, a rusty green station wagon pulled in front of us and stopped.

  The driver had his window down, his arm hanging out. “Well, lookee who we have here. We hit the jackpot, boys. It’s the director of this hellhole.”

  The back and passenger doors opened and two guys around Lincoln’s age slipped out. One guy had on a Cubs hat and the other had arms the size of ham shanks. What was going on?

  “Security’s on their way!” Mom called out to them, fumbling around her waistline for her walkie-talkie.

  When they started walking toward us, their jaws set tight and eyes trained on Mom, a blast of intense panic hit my chest. They didn’t look like the protesters out front.

  Dad strode toward them, his hands held high, as if trying to placate them. “Look, fellas, we’re with our children. We don’t want any trouble. Get back in your car.”

  “Security needed in the employee parking lot!” Mom barked into her walkie-talkie, her voice shaky. “Now!”

  I grabbed my sister and pulled her close.

  “What are they doing, Mercer?” she asked, glomming onto my waist.

  I ignored her, watching as Mom thumbed through a set of keys on a large ring.

  The jerks kept coming, not saying a word.

  Dad’s tone changed in a hurry. “I said, get back in your car, boys.” He blocked the space between us and them and then turned to yell, “Shalene, kids! Get back inside!”

  My ears were ringing. Should I run for help, bring Mom and Maddie inside, attack? “Leave my mom alone, you maggots!”

  I admit that wasn’t the boldest move I’d ever made, but I didn’t think I could take on two buff college guys without a weapon, nor with my sister wrapped around me in a death grip. I looked around for something to threaten them with—​a stick, a big rock, anything—​but there were only a few pebbles and an old food wrapper.