Dr. Campbell's Secret Son

by Anne Fraser

  ‘No, Jamie,’ she said, her voice tinged with regret. ‘I am not going to sleep with you again—however much I want to,’ she admitted. ‘Good sex—OK, fantastic sex,’ she conceded when he cocked his eyebrow at her, ‘just isn’t enough for me.’

  Jamie dropped his hands to his sides. He looked at her, his brown eyes serious.

  ‘Do you think that’s all I want from you? Sex? Good God, woman, don’t you know me better than that?’

  ‘What is it you want from me, Jamie?’

  ‘I want to be with you. Share your life. Go to sleep with you. Wake up in the morning with you. I want us to bring up our son together. Don’t you know that I love you?’ The last words were ground out as if ripped from his body. ‘I never thought I’d ever say that to a woman. But I’m saying it now.’

  For a long moment Sarah let his words sing through her body. How long had she waited to hear him say those words? But now it was too late. She still couldn’t bring herself to trust him. He wanted Calum. There was no doubt in her mind about that. But she couldn’t shake the thought that he would tell her he loved her, marry her even, do and say anything to achieve his own ends—to have Calum in Africa with him. She didn’t doubt that he found her attractive, wanted her sexually, enough to marry her and have her with him, but lust and a need to be with his son wasn’t enough for her.

  ‘I wish I could believe you, Jamie,’ she said sadly. ‘But you’ve hurt me too much. I just can’t trust you to be honest with me. You left me once. I couldn’t bear for that to happen again.’

  ‘God dammit, SJ. I’ve promised to come back. What else can I do to prove that I love you?’

  ‘You’re still leaving me now.’

  ‘But only for a short while. You know I have to go back right now. But I’ve told you I am prepared to give it all up for you and Calum as soon as I have honoured my responsibilities. Isn’t that enough?’

  ‘And how will I know that you won’t eventually resent me for that? That eventually you’ll feel trapped. Come to hate me. And leave again. It’s not just me. I have to think about my son.’

  ‘Our son, Sarah,’ Jamie reminded her. He looked at her calmly. ‘OK, you win for now, but when I come back I’m going to do whatever it takes to convince you that you and I belong together. You can’t hold out on me for ever. I won’t let you. That’s one thing you can count on.’ He kissed her lightly on the lips. ‘Look after yourself and our child until I get back.’

  When he had gone Sarah stood for a while. Thoughts rushed through her mind. He had said he loved her, wanted to spend his life with her. What was wrong with her that she couldn’t believe him when every nerve in her body was straining towards him? And how was she going to live without him?

  CHAPTER TEN

  SARAH missed Jamie in the weeks that he was away. Dr Shepherd was an excellent colleague, but Sarah had to admit it just wasn’t the same as having Jamie around.

  He phoned a few times to enquire after Calum, but he had warned Sarah that getting access to international calls was difficult with the rather antiquated phone system that the hospital used. He sounded exhilarated when he spoke briefly about his work at the hospital. The way he described it made Sarah want to see the place for herself.

  She knew that Jamie was due back for a short visit at the weekend, but he was unsure how soon he’d be able to catch a flight from London. His mother had moved to the South of England to be closer to her sister and Jamie planned to spend a night with her en route to Scotland.

  So she was surprised and secretly delighted on a Sunday evening to answer the door and find Jamie there. He looked lean and fit and she felt her heart turn over.

  ‘Hi,’ he said, grinning down at her.

  He had caught the sun in the last few weeks and his teeth flashed white against the light tan on his face. Sarah could feel the energy and vitality emanating from him. It was as if his time in Africa had recharged him.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind, I just wanted to look in on Calum before I went home. I know he’s probably asleep, but just a few minutes?’

  Sarah stood back from the door to let him come in. Her legs felt shaky at the sight of him. How she had missed him. She hadn’t realised how much until she’d seen him standing before her.

  They stole into the nursery. Jamie looked down at his sleeping son and bent slightly to touch his cheek with a gentle finger.

  ‘He’s grown since I’ve been away,’ he said, regret tinging his voice. ‘SJ, I really don’t want to miss another minute of his life. I’ve missed too much already.’ He turned towards Sarah, a wicked glint in his eyes. ‘And I missed you, too. Did you miss me? Even a little?’

  ‘We missed you at work. The new consultant is excellent but…’ Jamie cocked an eyebrow, encouraging a reluctant Sarah to finish. ‘But he’s not you,’ she admitted finally. ‘I kind of got used to working with you again.’

  ‘You only missed me at work?’ Jamie raised a disbelieving eyebrow. ‘Are you sure? Well, I’m back for a week and I plan spend as much time with Calum as I can. Would it be all right if I came over in the evenings to see him before bedtime? And perhaps we could have some time as a family next weekend? We can take Calum to the zoo or wherever kids like to go when they’re his age?’

  Sarah couldn’t help the pang of disappointment she felt at his words. It was good, of course it was, that he wanted to spend time with her and Calum, but if she was honest she’d thought he’d be keen to spend time with her alone.

  When he saw Sarah’s crestfallen expression Jamie felt a flicker of triumph. She wasn’t as good at hiding her feelings as she’d thought. But he wasn’t going to play games with her. He knew he had to be straight with her if she was ever going to trust him.

  ‘Perhaps we could get a babysitter at the weekend? So you and I can have some grownup time together?’ Noting her small smile, he added, ‘But not too grown-up, eh?’

  Sarah blushed. Damn him! How was he able to read her mind so easily?

  ‘How do you fancy a climb? It’ll be like old times. I’m sure Jean won’t mind looking after Calum for the day.’ Sarah couldn’t help the treacherous leap her heart gave at the thought of spending the day with Jamie. They needed to remain friends, she told herself. After all, he was the father of her child and it was important that they got on, even if they didn’t live together. However, she suspected she was kidding herself.

  True to his word, Jamie came around every evening and most of the days to spend time with Calum. He also arranged for he and Sarah to spend the next Saturday climbing one of the Munros outside Fort William. The day dawned cool but crisp. The sun shone weakly. It was perfect weather for their climb.

  Sarah had rescued her box of climbing gear from the attic the night before, brushing dust off her boots, which hadn’t been worn since she and Jamie had last climbed together.

  Getting ready that morning, she shook the creases out of her red down-filled jacket and packed the rest of her gear into a small back pack, along with a Thermos of coffee and emergency provisions. When Jamie arrived to collect her, looking ruggedly handsome in his navy mountaineer gear, he insisted on rechecking her harness and ropes.

  Satisfied that they had everything necessary, Jamie stood up. ‘I don’t anticipate that we’ll be needing all this gear, but rather safe than sorry,’ he said, turning his scrutiny to Sarah. Gently he tucked her fringe under her thermal hat and nodded his approval.

  Ignoring the frisson of desire she felt at his touch, she said warningly, ‘Jamie—you’re doing it again!’

  Raising an eyebrow and smiling broadly, Jamie asked with feigned innocence, ‘Doing what again, SJ?’

  ‘You know damn well. Treating me like a child. Don’t you have any faith in my ability to prepare adequately?’

  Jamie held up his hands in mock submission, before turning serious. ‘Sorry. But I can’t help it—you know how precious you are to me.’

  Suppressing the warmth his words gave her, Sarah said briskly. ‘Right, let’s get goin
g.’

  ‘The weather is forecast to break later today, ‘Jamie cautioned as they drove. ‘So I want to be off the hill well before it gets dark. We’re turning back early this afternoon, whether we’ve made the summit or not.’

  ‘Fine by me,’ Sarah acquiesced. ‘I’ve no plans to spend the night freezing on a mountain.’

  Although they chatted comfortably on the way up to Glencoe, there was a sexual tension between them that was palpable. Sarah sneaked glances at Jamie’s profile, all too aware of his nearness in the small space of the sports car. When his hand brushed against her leg as he changed gear, Sarah felt charges of electricity course through her body. It was almost a relief to her when they made good time and arrived at the base of the mountain before ten o’clock.

  When they got to the top, they ate a picnic of pitta bread sandwiches and hot coffee that Sarah had brought. Jamie found a flat stone near the cairn that marked the summit for them to sit on. The air was a lot colder at the unprotected top, and already clouds were beginning to scud across the sky. Sarah snuggled deeper into her jacket.

  Jamie, noticing her shiver, sat behind her and stretched his long legs on either side of hers. He wrapped strong arms around her frame and pulled her close into the embrace of his body. For a moment she resisted before she let herself sink against him, her body absorbing the heat that radiated from him. She felt safe and protected in his arms. She felt his lips brush the top of her head like a whisper.

  ‘I missed you,’ Jamie said, his voice deep with emotion. ‘Are you sure you didn’t miss me? Even the teeniest bit?’ he teased.

  ‘I missed you at work.’ Sarah repeated the words she had used before. She wasn’t ready yet to trust him. Not while there was the slightest chance he was using her to get to Calum.

  ‘Just at work?’ Jamie mocked her. ‘I see I’ll have to do a little bit better.’ Gently he turned her face towards him before bringing his lips down hard on hers. She shifted her body to kiss him back. All the weeks and months of missing him were in the kiss. When they eventually broke apart, they were both breathing heavily.

  ‘If it weren’t so cold up here, I would—’

  ‘Just as well,’ Sarah said primly, a small smile belying her words.

  ‘Let’s get you home, then,’ Jamie said, his voice heavy with meaning. ‘But first I have something to ask you.’ He pulled her gently to her feet. He tipped her chin with a long finger so that she was forced to look into his eyes. ‘Sarah Jane Carruthers, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?’

  Sarah looked at him, her eyes luminous with unshed tears. Was she about to make the biggest mistake of her life? She thought she probably was, but was powerless to prevent herself. It was as if there were a little demon inside her head, shouting, Don’t do it. You know he’s just the same as all men. Remember your father. He told you he loved you, that he’d always be there for you. And he never was—no matter how many times you believed him. ‘I’m sorry, Jamie. I can’t say yes. Not yet.’

  He let his hands fall to her shoulders. He shook her gently. ‘What is it, SJ? Do you need more time?’

  She bowed her head in her misery. ‘When you left that first time I felt as if something inside me had broken. Something that could never be fixed. The terrible aching loss I felt reminded me of all the times that my father had left me, prom-ising to return. And, of course, he never did—even though he promised. So I built up a shield to protect the child that I was. And when you left, I found that I needed that shield again.’

  Jamie listened intently.

  ‘And then when I found out I was pregnant, at first I was terrified.’ She raised bleak eyes to his. ‘How would I cope? Would I be enough for my child? Didn’t every child deserve two loving parents?’

  Jamie cursed savagely under his breath and she knew she had hit a nerve. He pulled her into his arms and she let her head rest against his chest.

  ‘Go on,’ he encouraged gently.

  ‘Then when I thought there might be something wrong with the baby…I had a raised Down’s risk when I was sixteen weeks pregnant, you know?’

  ‘I didn’t. At least, not until I overheard you telling the lady with the Down’s syndrome child. My God, SJ, I wish I had been there for you.’ Jamie’s voice was deep with regret.

  ‘It was so hard.’ The words began to spill out from Sarah as she remembered the loneliness of having to make those decisions on her own. Of course, her mother had been there and had been a tremendous support, but it hadn’t been the same as having the father of her child there beside her. ‘I knew that whatever might be wrong, whatever the future might bring, I wanted my child. And at least there would be a part of you that would always belong to me, that no one could take away from me. So I made up my mind to continue the pregnancy. But I also decided that I would never love another man. That from then on, my child would be my life and, apart from my work, my world. We wouldn’t rely on anyone else. I had all I needed.’

  ‘I’ll never forgive myself for leaving you. I was stupid, selfish, I can see that now, but can’t we put the past behind us and start again? I promise you that I will never let you or Calum down again.’ His voice was raw with his need to convince her.

  Sarah shook her head. ‘I don’t think so. I wish I could say differently, but I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to pretend otherwise.’

  He shook her again. ‘Won’t you at least take a chance? Give me the chance to prove that I love you, that I want you with me? And not just because I want my son?’

  ‘I can’t. I’m sorry.’ Her voice trembled with the pain. Pain she knew she was inflicting on both of them. But somehow the thought of more pain in the future was worse.

  ‘Damn it, Sarah. I’m only human. Nothing in this life is certain. You and I both know that. Where is the Sarah I used to know? The woman who took risks? Who loved life enough never to hide from it?’

  ‘I don’t know. I think she disappeared when you left her that first time.’

  ‘Then I’m sorry, SJ. You’re not the woman I thought you were. I can’t keep pursuing you if you are never going to change your mind. I’ll be back as soon as I can to be with Calum and obviously we’ll have to stay in contact as his parents, but apart from that…’ He let the words hang in the air. Sarah knew she couldn’t blame him. If she couldn’t give him what he wanted then she had to set him free to get on with his own life. She supposed she owed him that at least.

  ‘I won’t stop you from seeing Calum,’ she said through lips that were numb from the effort of holding back the tears.

  ‘I won’t let you,’ he said. ‘I can’t make you be with me, but neither can you prevent me from being with my child. Or him being with me.’ His voice was flat. Sarah knew she had hurt him, but she also knew that he was angry and confused. Soft flakes of snow began to fall and the sun disappeared behind a cloud. The snow seemed to muffle the outside world until it felt as if nothing else existed except the two of them. The light began to leak from the sky.

  ‘We’d better get back down,’ Jamie said.

  * * *

  It was still snowing gently when they reached the bottom of the hill. They had been silent on their journey down, each preoccupied with their own thoughts. There were several other climbers in the car park who had come down from other hills. They exchanged comments about the weather with them as they changed out of their boots in preparation for the journey home.

  The snow began to fall in earnest as they drove along the steep and winding road that passed through Glencoe. The snow and clouds made visibility poor and Jamie concentrated on his driving. Sarah knew there was nothing left to say.

  Suddenly and without warning the car in front of them skidded on one of the sharp bends. It bounced into the crash barrier before hitting the car in front of it, sending the vehicle straight towards the steep drop at the side of the road.

  As Jamie brought his car to a controlled stop, the car that had been hit slammed into the damaged bit of the crash barrier. Sarah and Jamie h
eld their breaths as they hoped the barrier would hold the car. They could make out the shapes of the two passengers—the driver, a young man whose face was stretched in horror, and a child, strapped into a car seat in the back. Jamie pulled his car to the side of the road just as, with a sickening screech of metal, the car tore through the barrier and slid over the side of the road, disappearing from view.

  Jamie and Sarah were out of the car almost before it had come to a complete stop.

  The car that had caused the accident also pulled over and two young men jumped out, the driver clearly in shock.

  ‘I couldn’t stop from hitting them,’ he kept repeating. ‘Can you see the car? Are they all right?’

  ‘Here,’ said Jamie, opening his car boot and removing a couple of triangular warning signs. He shoved them into the hands of the driver. ‘Take these and put them a little way up the road to warn oncoming cars that there’s been an accident.’ He turned to the passenger. ‘Phone for an ambulance and the fire brigade.’ And then, as the men stood rooted the spot, he ordered, ‘Move it!’

  His tone was enough to galvanise them into action. Sarah and Jamie ran to the side of the road. Sarah felt dread close her throat as she peered over the edge. She thought it was unlikely that anyone could have survived the drop. But as they looked, they could see that by some miracle the car had been stopped by an overhang about a third of the way down the slope. In the fading light they could just make out the faint line of a body lying a few metres away from the wrecked vehicle.

  ‘It looks like the driver has been thrown out. That means the child is still in the car,’ Sarah told Jamie.

  ‘We need to get down to them,’ Jamie said tersely.

  ‘It’s too dangerous,’ Sarah protested. The slope was too steep to scramble down. The only way the occupants of the car could be reached was by someone climbing up towards them from the bottom. But that would take time. ‘The rescue services should be here shortly.’