Ethan in Gold

by Amy Lane

  “Tell Allie I’m sorry,” he said. Although he’d said it again and again, there was no way he could say it enough.

  “You listen to me,” she said, crossing her arms and looking, had she known it, a lot like Mom. “This was not your fault, Evan. This… this was a long time coming. This explosion took nitro and C-4 and a fuse and fucking Mom to pack that shit and light it and pretend she had not a fucking thing to do about it.” Her voice was wobbly, all over the fucking place, but he had to smile at the metaphor. She was really good with those. She saw the smile and nodded like he’d said something. “You text me, okay? You let me know where you are. Give me your address when you land. Jesus, Ev, send us a fucking Christmas card—”

  And that was apparently her limit, because she put her hand over her mouth and turned and ran back to the house.

  He watched her go and stood for a moment, looking into the window of the place he’d grown up. A big, pretty two-story house in Empire Ranch. It looked like a good place. His mother was at the window, glaring at Belladonna as she ran back inside, sobbing. Ethan met her eyes and saw it, the thing he’d known had been there from the time he was five and he’d forced her to realize that she couldn’t keep him safe, couldn’t keep any of them safe, against a world she couldn’t order to her specifications.

  Raw hatred, burning at her only son.

  “Bye, Ma,” he choked, and then he got in the car and drove blindly back to Tommy’s.

  Step 3—small talk

  TOMMY HALLORAN still looked like a god, even in his uniform of a green polo shirt and tan slacks. He still carried himself like a fighter, all his action in his shoulders and his chest, and he still glared at the world like he was daring it to mess with him.

  Jonah envied the hell out of him.

  And the fact that Ethan dropped him off in that sweet luxury sedan? God, it was like these people, they lived a life he couldn’t even dream of.

  Jonah was collecting carts in the parking lot when Ethan dropped Tommy off, and he was close enough to hear their conversation but hidden by the cart overhang when Ethan parked the car and got out and stretched. He could see both of the gods through the gaps in the plastic siding of the overhang. For a minute he thought he should just shove the carts out and let them know he was there—but then he wouldn’t be able to hear their conversation, and that was sort of the point.

  “Kinks?” Tommy asked, grinning wryly, and Ethan grimaced.

  “Man, I appreciate the couch again—”

  “But it’s not that fucking comfortable. I know. Especially after working. So, whatya doin’ while I go inside and get bored shitless by orientation videos?”

  “Well, Dex got me a line on some shitty apartments, furnished, so I can maybe look for a better place after Christmas.”

  Tommy nodded. “Good—I….” And that pugnacious attitude sort of faded for a minute. “You know I love having you, but—”

  “Chase is coming home,” Ethan said seriously, nodding. “You can’t put me up there, man. You’ve got a full plate.”

  “Yeah, and Donnie and his friends keep coming over, and seein’ that they’re, you know—”

  “Family?” Ethan supplied, turning his face up to the weak sunshine like he was trying to soak it in even if there wasn’t very much of it.

  “Yeah. As close as he’s got, anyway, besides us.”

  Ethan nodded, blinking sleepy eyes at him. “Yeah, I hear you. I appreciate the—”

  “No worries, Ethan. Any time. Man, you and everybody, helping me through this whole thing—”

  Ethan shrugged. “Backatcha.”

  Jonah shivered when he said that. He sounded so bleak.

  “So, Dex is gonna meet me afterward and come with me to go visit. You stay out as long as you need to, okay?”

  Ethan nodded. “With any luck, I can be out of your hair tomorrow. I’m sorry—”

  And Tommy, who had been on his way across the parking lot, did an about-face into Ethan’s personal space and hugged him. It was almost… almost dutiful, like he’d forgotten this was something Ethan needed.

  “Don’t be sorry,” Tommy said, pulling away. “They suck, all of them—”

  “Not my sisters!”

  Tommy shook his head. “They all suck. You got out, remember that, okay? You’re the fucking strong one. You got out.”

  And then he whirled and left Jonah with the line of baskets and no way to move without being seen. Fervently, he started hoping Ethan would leave. C’mon, man, stop stretching and posing like a rock star and get in the car and….

  And stop making eye contact through the cap in the overhang. Jonah’s whole body flooded with adrenaline as he realized he’d been busted, and he started gathering carts loudly to pretend he hadn’t just seen a private moment between friends.

  Ethan’s laughter sort of let him know he was unsuccessful. “You don’t have to worry—it wasn’t anything private,” he said.

  Jonah got behind the carts and pushed out the line of them. “It didn’t look public either,” Jonah said frankly. “I take it you have to move?”

  Ethan shrugged. “Getting outed—not for the weak.”

  Jonah stopped for a moment and thought about that honestly. “I don’t know. My folks were okay with it, really. I told them in, like, middle school. By then my little sister had been diagnosed, and they were like, ‘Jesus, you’re fuckin’ healthy!’”

  The Italian man-god looked reluctantly impressed. “Well, I don’t know what my dad would think about it. Mostly it was just my mom—but I knew she’d kick me out.” He shuddered. “I didn’t know how ugly it would get, but I think I’ve always known. My folks… neither of them…. They’re just not equipped for this.”

  Jonah thought about his dad and those weekly visits. How hard must it be to feel like you had to leave, and still come back? “Maybe if you gave your dad a chance?” he asked hesitantly. “If your mom’s the only voice you’re hearing right now, you know—maybe—”

  Ethan looked away. “Yeah, well, I wasn’t great about giving him a chance before. It wouldn’t be fair to beg him now, you know? Nope. I think at this point, I’m going to have to write my folks off and pretend I don’t have any.” He swallowed and smiled, almost simultaneously. “But it’s good to hear your folks were okay with it. It makes me think there’s something right with the world after all, you know?”

  Jonah smiled hesitantly back and shoved at the carts in front of him. They stuck, and he grunted, running along the line of them to make sure the baskets weren’t catching. To his surprise, Ethan ran up the other side, grabbed the one that was stuck, and gave it a yank. With a clatter, the carts fell in line, and Jonah nodded in appreciation before getting behind them and shoving it again. Christ, they were fucking heavy—and he wasn’t charmed at all when Ethan bumped him aside.

  “Here—can I try? I always wanted to do this!”

  His shoulders and chest flexed, and then his hips and ass—Jonah knew because he looked—and the carts clamored in front of him like they were begging to be pushed. Jonah had to trot to keep up with the big guy pushing the carts across the parking lot.

  “Man, slow down,” Jonah panted. “If you’re not careful, you’ll run into someone or break the doors!” For a second, he felt real panic that they were going too fast, but Ethan, for all his bulk, wasn’t stupid either. He slowed down, tilting the cart he was pushing just enough to make the others veer to a stop.

  He turned to Jonah with a wide smile. “Man, that’s the best. What a rush! Do you do that every day?”

  Jonah laughed through broken breath. “Not usually that fast!” he said. “Jesus, the shape you must be in!”

  Ethan gave him a sweet grin, the kind that let Jonah know he took that as a sincere compliment and he was proud of it. “Yeah, well, I work out a lot.”

  “Must be nice to have the time.” Which was sort of unfair. Jonah did get a chance to work out when he took his sister to her low-impact classes, but by then he was usually damned ti
red.

  “I love working out,” Ethan said sincerely. “I mean, at first I did it because, well, I was hanging out with the kids who got the crap beat out of them most of the time. But now? Man, just… just having that much power over your body? It’s priceless. The whole world can be falling to shit, but that one thing I have control over? That shit is mine.”

  Jonah cocked his head, thinking about it. “That’s really cool, actually.” Geez—wouldn’t it be great to have power over something, even if it was just the muscle groups in his back? “I’ll have to try it, right?”

  Ethan nodded, his brown eyes big and round with earnestness. “But be sure to give it at least six weeks, right? Because you can see the results by then. And diet—man, don’t chow on the carbs because that shit’ll turn right to fat. Protein and fiber all the way.”

  Jonah nodded like he hadn’t heard the nutrition lectures ad infinitum taking his sister to her classes and helping his mom do the cooking. Still, it was nice to have Ethan giving him advice. It felt like they were having an actual conversation. And speaking of….

  “Who did you hang out with?” he asked, and Ethan looked like he had to remember two steps back to know what he was referring to.

  “You mean who was getting beat up? The anime club in high school.”

  Jonah caught his breath. They were standing outside in the funky gray autumn day, in the middle of the almost-empty parking lot, and suddenly it was like the holy fucking grail was shining down on the Italian man-god, illuminating him as the Chosen One. “You like anime?”

  Ethan’s grin got even wider. “And manga and yaoi and pretty much all animation forever—”

  “Hayao Miyazaki—”

  “Was a fucking genius!”

  “Best webcomic ever—”

  “Is Starfighter!” Ethan said adamantly, and Jonah let out a groan as though mortally wounded.

  “No! It’s Young Protectors, hands down!”

  The look of revulsion that crossed Ethan’s face was not playful in the least. “Oh no,” he said seriously. “No, I cannot stomach that shit—that old guy, young guy thing is not my schtick.”

  Jonah sighed. “I mean, it’s mostly fantasy, right? The young guy wants some guidance in how to be… I don’t know. Big strong gay man?”

  Ethan shook his head and shivered. “No. See, it’s all about the power, and the young guy doesn’t have it. When you don’t have the power, it’s abuse. No.” Jonah could see the massive effort it took for Ethan to change the subject. “No. I much prefer Artifice. That one was about balance of power and self-discovery. I really fucking loved that one.”

  Jonah shrugged. “Can we agree to disagree?” he asked tentatively. He still didn’t want to give up that fantasy, that Prince Charming fantasy, in which someone could come and just lift the burdens from his shoulders. “I still really love Young Protectors.”

  Ethan shrugged like it was no big deal. “Yeah, of course! It’s just nice to find someone who loves this shit like I do. I mean, most of the guys I work with, they’re game, and I dragged them to Sacanime in August—”

  “But unless they’ve known the artists and the collectibles—”

  “Right? You sort of gotta have the love.” He nodded. “But man, I love that shit. It’s like, people, except more intense. Soap operas, but the art is prettier, and sleeping with someone is a big deal, you know?”

  “Yeah,” Jonah said reverently. “Man, Ponyo is coming back to town next week at the Tower. My sister loves that movie. Now me, I’m all about Howl’s Moving Castle or Princess Mononoke, but not Melly. I told her I’d take her—”

  “Can I come with you?” Ethan asked, completely without guile. “I’d love to see that one. I missed it the last time it came to town, and I’d love to hear the Liam Neeson narration.”

  Jonah laughed a little and noticed a car—a regular—entering into the parking lot. He wouldn’t change this conversation for all the crappy jobs in the world, but he sort of had to move things along.

  “I’m going to have to go in a sec,” he apologized. “But yeah—I’ll tell Tommy when the show’s on, and we can talk about getting tickets. I’d love to go with someone who doesn’t watch for the cute baby running on the waves, right?”

  Ethan smiled, golden and pure. He extended a friendly hand, and Jonah took it, not expecting to be pulled into a chest bump on such short acquaintanceship. “Dude, I’ll totally hold you to that. I’d love to go.”

  “Well, you go, and I’ll start working out, is that a deal?”

  Again, that warm, golden smile. “That’s totally a deal. I’ll see you around!”

  “Oh, hey—what are you doing today?”

  Ethan took a step back, and that radiating warmth disappeared. “Looking for a long-stay hotel or something so I can find a crappy apartment so then I can find a real place to live.”

  Jonah grimaced. Dammit, what an asshole, sticking his foot in it like that. He knew that for the length of their little conversation, Ethan had completely forgotten about the worst part of his day. “Well, there’s shitty apartments up on Howe and Hurley, and some more on Northrop. I know, we live in a shitty fourplex nearby.”

  Ethan blinked. “Why do you live in a shitty fourplex?”

  Jonah shrugged and got ready to push the carts back into the store. “’Cause it’s close to the hospital and we can afford it after all the bills.”

  Ethan’s mobile, usually happy face sobered quickly. “For your sister? That’s hard.”

  “Yeah, well, that’s family.”

  “It doesn’t always do what you want it to, does it?” Ethan dodged out of the way of the incoming customer, and Jonah decided he really had to get a move on.

  “So I’ll get three tickets for Ponyo, okay?”

  “Yeah. Tell Tommy when. If I don’t see you before, I’ll meet you there—I promise!”

  At that moment Ethan jerked, grabbed at his pocket, and came up with his phone. He looked at it, frowned, and then it buzzed again. And then again. And one more time. “Oh for fuck’s sake. Really?”

  “What?” Because that much phone action could not be good.

  “I… I can’t even—hey, Jonah, could you do me a favor?”

  “Yeah, no problem.”

  “Could you tell Tommy that some shit came up and I’m not going to be able to get out of his hair for another night?” Ethan sighed, his full lower lip coming out and his eyes drooping at the corners. “Man, the best thing about being kicked out was not having to come back.”

  Jonah looked at him in concern. “Who’s calling you back in?” he asked, wondering if the Godfather reference was overkill.

  Ethan smiled faintly and then reached out and patted Jonah’s cheek, and Jonah held his breath. Until that moment, he hadn’t realized how close they were standing, how intimate, like confidants.

  “No one to worry about,” Ethan told him with a wink. “Like I said—tell Tommy when those tickets are for. As long as it’s a night showing, I can definitely make it!”

  He ruffled Jonah’s hair, his fingers massaging Jonah’s scalp briefly, like it was impossible for him to say good-bye to someone without touching. Then he squared his shoulders and headed for his car. He had his phone out and he was texting, and Jonah saw his expression as he got into the snazzy little sedan. His eyes were narrowed and his mouth was pulled tight and grim.

  Jonah had a moment to wonder how much of what he saw on Ethan’s face hid something bigger before he put his back into his job and got the carts pushed inside.

  TOMMY’S orientation videos only took a couple of hours, and Jonah went to pass on the message then, as he was waiting outside for his friend. The day had brightened a little, but the remains of a funky gray fog still lingered in the sky.

  “So,” Jonah said tentatively, because Tommy’s tough walk and sharp accent intimidated him a little, “I, uhm, something came up and Ethan wanted me to tell you he wasn’t going to be able to find an apartment today. He wasn’t real happy about it—
I don’t think he likes being a freeloader.”

  Tommy grimaced. “It ain’t bein’ a freeloader when you’re bein’ a friend,” he muttered. “But thanks, kid. I’ll stock up on some groceries.”

  “So, uhm”—Jonah felt his pasty white face heat—“where did you and Ethan… I mean, how do you know each other?”

  Tommy eyeballed him for a moment, those button-bright brown eyes sharp and unforgiving. “We worked for the same modeling firm—feet, ankles, hands, that sort of thing.”

  Jonah was not surprised, really, but it still sort of hit him in the gut, how way beyond his league these two guys really were. “Why not faces? You’re both really pretty.”

  Tommy’s mouth quirked quietly, like it was a compliment he was used to dealing with and he didn’t want to tell Jonah it wasn’t that big a deal. “Thanks, that’s sweet.”

  “So why’d you quit?”

  Tommy jerked his head sideways, obviously so he didn’t have to meet Jonah’s eyes. “You ever hear of bulimia?”

  Jonah nodded, appropriately feeling a little sick.

  “Well, so’s my shrink. It would probably be a good idea if I didn’t have my body on display quite so much, right?”

  “Oh,” he said, and wow, talk about your complete inadequacy. “But you’re… I don’t know. You’re so beautiful!”

  Tommy smiled a little. “You think I’m pretty, you should see my boyfriend. Or, hell, Dex, when he comes to pick me up. But see, that’s the problem. You could be fuckin’ Apollo, but when the whole world is looking at your ass, all you’re gonna see is your ass, right?”

  “Yeah. But I gotta tell you right now, thinking about your ass makes me wish I worked out so my ass looked a little better.”

  Tommy winked. “Workin’ out never hurt nobody. It’s when you throw in ipecac and laxatives that you gotta go get a job somewhere else.”