by Lee Miller
Returning to the living room she saw that the food had been delivered, smelling it reminded her of how hungry she really was. “I was beginning to get worried about you Sara.” Jackie’s tone took her a little by surprise. “What do you mean mom? Sara preoccupied herself with getting the food out of the bags and dinner plates from the cupboard. “You were in the shower an awfully long time dear. I was sure you’d come out looking like a prune or something close to it.” Sara stopped what she was doing. She knew from experience the hot water heater, at full capacity, only held thirty to forty minutes of hot water. “30 or so minutes isn’t so long mom.” Sara stated, dismissing Jackie’s motherly concerns. “Thirty minutes Sara?” Sara was a little puzzled at her tone. “Sweetie, you were in there over two hours. I very nearly considered kicking the door in. I checked on you a couple of times, but you never responded. You had me really worried.” Jackie concluded her statement with an almost dismissive smile. “Mom. There is no way I could have been in there that long. See? The food is still hot. When did it arrive?” Sara continued getting everything ready, hunger taking over almost every other thought she had. “The food? Oh. It only just arrived 10 minutes ago.” Jackie looked puzzled now. “Does it normally take 2 hours to get food delivered here?” “Um. No. The restaurant is down a block and around the corner. From beginning to delivery is generally under 30 minutes.” Sara fished out an egg roll and shoved it in her mouth. Not caring how hot it was. “Stop worrying so much and let’s eat. I’m starving.” Sara poured herself and Jackie a glass of Moscato wine and headed to the dining room table.
After dinner Sara settled into the big comfy leather couch and turned the news on just in time to see the latest story on the saga enveloping Tony Diego. The man who had sent a killer into her home and took Chris from her. “Sara, please don’t.” Chris’s mother began. “I’m good with it mom, if you are. I want to see this son of a bitch get what he deserves. I guess I’ll be hearing from the police or DA’s office soon. Ugh, I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.” Sara lamented. She knew a trial was coming. She knew she would have to go and testify to everything that happen that night, but she sure wasn’t looking forward to the beginning of it. The end, she assumed, would be most satisfying. “I hope they give him the death penalty.” The sweet motherly lady next to her added.
Thinking of Diego brought back memories of Tommy which made her think of poor Beth. “Shoot. I really should check my phone. I imagine Beth has been trying to get ahold of me. I really do hope she isn’t blaming herself for all this.” Sara reached for her phone on the coffee table where she had laid it that other night. Sure enough, she had several missed calls and voicemails. There were three from her editor, 15 from Beth, and miscellaneous amounts from co-workers and associates of her and Chris’s. “Sara, is now really the right time for that? You’ve only just gotten home. Take some time for yourself. The people in your life will wait for you.” Sara loved this woman like a mother, but the constant dotting was getting on her nerves a bit. “I’m sure mom. I can’t stop living. To get this behind me, I have to go through the pain of starting it. Not something I want to do, I assure you, but Chris wouldn’t want me wrapping myself up in my sorrow and living there. Trust me, I’ll take it slow. I’m not going to do anything I’m not ready for.” Sara looked at her phone again and felt a sense of dread come over her. Maybe Jackie was right. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this yet. “Actually. I think I’m going to head to bed. I just want this day to be over.” Sara got up off the couch and took her dishes to the sink. The rejuvenating energy from the shower now all but gone and the sleep inducing full meal she ate taking over. “Good night mom. Make yourself at home. I’ll see you in the morning.” She walked over and hugged Jackie’s neck and for a moment, felt like that young girl who had just told her mom about the horrible experience she had gone through. Her mother’s hug then reassured her everything was going to be okay; That Sara wasn’t alone and that she would be there for her. Sara held back the tears awhile longer as she kissed her mother-in-law on the cheek and made her way upstairs.
The night was still very dark. Sleeping in her king-size bed alone for the first time, Sara truly began to feel the gravity of a life without Chris. Alone in the dark, she gave into her tears once more. She cried till she drifted off to sleep. She had no idea of what was real and what wasn’t. In her dreams she could hear Chris’s voice reassure her. She could hear him tell her everything was going to be okay. Even in her slumber, Sara knew it to be only that though, a dream.
As she opened her eyes to the gray light flooding in through the window, Sara tried to grasp the dram she had just been having. It slid away from her like water in her hands. She struggled to remain some memory of it; too late. It was gone. All that remained was the pleasant feeling it had stirred with in her. She knew she had to get out of bed, but it was holding her to it as firmly as a vice grip, but this one was a pillow top vice grip. She laid there contemplating things she needed to get done during that day. Luckily she had Jackie here to help her. She had to start planning Chris’s funeral and memorial. She knew she had to, but she sure as hell didn’t want to. “This is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to endure” she thought. “I have to though, for Chris.” She wrestled with her sheets until she found the exit from underneath them. She decided to get dressed in more than sweats today. She would do her hair and makeup. At least these basic human things brought some kind of sense of normalcy to her shattered world. Sara took her time picking her outfit and applying the makeup. She didn’t want to rush anything, just let it’s take it’s natural time. At least that was something she had a measure of control over. After getting ready, she descended the stairs from her loft style bedroom to find that Jackie was already busying herself around the house. “God morning sweetie. I thought about waking you up earlier, but decided you probably needed the rest.” Jackie’s cheerful mood a welcome site. Sara went over to the coffee pot, it was still hot. “I made a fresh batch when I heard you rustling around upstairs.” Jackie handed her a cup and got the creamer out of the fridge. “What time is it?” Sara realizing she hadn’t even looked at her watch or the clock by the bed. “It’s 12:45 dear. I thought you were going to sleep the whole day away!” Jackie moved to the counter where a notepad was laying. Sara recognized the neat, tight scrawl across the page as Jackie’s handwriting. “12:45?! Holy cow! I slept nearly 15 hours?!” Sara was a bit shocked and ashamed at being such a poor host. “Relax dear, after what you’ve been through, I’m surprised to see you’re functioning at all.” Jackie flipped the notepad so that it was face down and went back to the kitchen. “Can I make you some breakfast dear?” Sara stared at the upside down notepad perplexed. “What? Oh, no. I’ll just get some cereal. What are you working on mom?” Sara moved over to the note pad and flipped it back over. Her suspicion confirmed. “I thought I would get a start on the arrangements for Chris.” Jackie moved about the kitchen in an anxious frenzy. Like a child who just got caught doing something wrong and was trying to play it off as no big deal. Sara was confused. “You’re working on the arrangements for Chris without me?” chagrin loading the tone in her voice. “Sweetie, I just thought you” Sara interrupted her mother-in-law for the first time ever. “There is nothing more important to me in this world than your son Jackie. I couldn’t save him the other night, I’ll be damned if I don’t give him a proper exit out of this world.” Sara had to leave the room before her well-meaning mother-in-law said something to really set her off.
She decided that, even though she was already dressed for the day, she would go for a run on her treadmill upstairs. Storming up the stairs that ensured the message of ‘Don’t bother me’ was loud and clear to Jackie, Sara retreated back to her bedroom. She kicked off the heels she had put on only minutes ago, stripped out of the slacks and blouse and threw on her workout gear. Plugging the iPod in her ears she set a quick pace on the machine and ran. She ran like the devil himself was chasing after her. She let herself get l
ost in the rhythmic breathing and the music streaming into her ears. She looked down and saw she had already clocked a mile and a half. “Not enough” she said as she sped it up to the next setting. Running had always released any tension she was feeling. It was her escape from an often times brutal world that she couldn’t recognize. She ran from boy troubles in high school and college, she ran from horrible memories of past events like Jansen’s assault and the day she told her dad what had happen and the end results of that. She ran to clear here mind, though she would often start to pray as she ran. Converse with God about all the things that bothered her. Running helped keep her in shape but was also therapeutic for the mind as well. After she logged mile number 3 Sara began to get frustrated. It wasn’t having its normal effect on her. As she approached mile number four the anger she felt seemed to only grow, not lesson. She stopped a short time later and threw herself on her bed. She knew she should do her cool down walk but didn’t care at this point. She let the music fill her as she closed her eyes and sought help from her faith. She used the calming and breathing techniques taught to her from the master of the dojo she attended. The two helped reduce her stress and anxiety. As she calmed down, she realized just how stupid she felt about going off on Jackie the way she did. She knew she needed to apologize to her. Sara sat up and noticed the morning light was beginning to filter through the window. She was in bed with the sheets over her. “How the hell did I end up here?” she thought the confusion of the moment of half-awake and still half-asleep flooding her mind. She looked and found her iPod on the floor next to the bed, her work out cloths where hanging on the treadmill, where she always put them after doing laundry. She looked at the clock on her nightstand; it read 7:52AM. “How the hell did I sleep from yesterday afternoon till now?!” Sara was getting frustrated with herself. No matter how upset she may have been at Jackie yesterday morning that was no reason to snub her the entire rest of the day. Sara got out of bed; her legs were stiff and didn’t seem to work right. She regretted not doing the cool down time or stretching before and after her run. She listened intently; there was no noise down stairs. “Huh, she must still be asleep. I’ll run through the shower real quick.” Sara thought to herself. She made her way to the bathroom and ran through the shower. She knew how she could make it up to her mother-in-law. She would cook her breakfast and maybe go for a walk around the park later in the day. As she finished toweling off she went to her closet to find something decent to wear. She settled on blue jeans, sneakers and one of Chris’s old shirts. It still smelled like his cologne. Today she refused to be sad. Today she would make things right with Jackie and start celebrating the time she had with Chris instead of mourn her loss of him. She always believed a person takes charge of his or her own happiness and life. She knew she had a long road to full recovery, but it started today. She headed down stairs with a new sense of purpose. She would work with Jackie part of the day to finish off making plans for Chris’s funeral. She knew she wanted to ask MR. Scott to give the eulogy. She’d take Jackie by to see him later this afternoon. Sara grabbed up her phone and saw she had no notifications. “Wait, where are all the missed calls and voicemail notifications that were on her last night? I didn’t clear them.” Sara looked at her phone in confusion. She would have to question Jackie on it when she got up. She refused to jump to conclusions. There may be a plausible and realistic explanation. She turned her attention to getting the coffee brewing and getting the stuff out to make breakfast. As she worked she turned the surround sound in the living room to a low volume and let the soft notes of Kenny G feel the apartment. “Songbird” was her favorite by him, but he had a lot of great music.
As she was finishing getting breakfast going, she heard Jackie upstairs. “Sara? Is that you down there?” Jackie’s voice was loaded with the sound of sleep and confusion. “Who else would it be?” Sara thought to herself. “Of course mom. Breakfast is almost ready and the coffee is on.” Sara went back to the cupboard to grab plates and utensils. She heard Jackie descend down the stairs then stop suddenly as she came around the corner. “Uh, Sara? Is that what you’re going to wear today?” Sara turned to see the perplexed look on her face. “Um…yeah. Why? Something wrong with it?” Sara couldn’t help but grin at the sight the elderly lady made. Hair frazzled out, the look of shock mixed with a hint of displeasure on her face and her mouth hanging open. You’d think she came down to see Sara wearing nothing but her underwear and or something. “Sweetie… I just thought you’d want to wear something a little more; conservative, to meet the funeral director today.” Sara slowly turned and looked at Jackie. “Funeral. Director?” Sara couldn’t remember making any such appointment. “Yes. We talked about it yesterday” Jackie looked a little worried about how her favorite daughter-in-law could forget such a thing. Sara couldn’t remember that part of their conversation, but did remember just how rude she had acted to her would be caretaker. “About yesterday, I’m very sorry for snapping at you like I did.” Sara looked at her, hoping she’d forgive her outburst. Jackie looked back but with a look of being dumbfounded and even more worried. “That was the day before yesterday Sara, and you already apologized to me for it.” A long silence permeated the air between them. “Day before yesterday?” Sara questioned. “That’s not possible. I went to my room, ran 4 miles, and accidently crashed out on the bed. If she’s right, I slept a day and a half straight.” Sara thought to herself. Perplexed at the loss of time. Jackie came over and gave her a hug, “Sweetie, I know these times are tough. They are tough for all who live to see them. It’s understandable if things slip your mind. It happens to all of us. When Chris’s father died, 4 months flew by without me even realizing it. One day we were burying him, the next thing I know it was our anniversary. Things will be alright dear one. Now let’s eat breakfast and head down to the funeral home to talk to Mr. Stevens.” Sara allowed herself to be comforted by the sweet lady. She was going to have to start writing things down if her memory was going to be this bad. She still had trouble remembering anything that she did yesterday. She must have done laundry, her hamper was empty and her workout clothes hung in their normal spot. There was a fresh towel in her bathroom as well. Chris’s still hung in the same spot.
The two ladies finished up breakfast and Sara ran upstairs to change into something she knew would pass Jackie’s inspection. She had to admit; showing up to the home in jeans, a t-shirt and a pull over of Chris’s probably wouldn’t look right. They headed out the door and she asked Jackie if she’d be alright if they took Chris’s truck instead of a cab. She would drive. Jackie looked a little hesitant at the request. “You promise me, if it gets to be too much for you to handle, you’ll pull over to the side of the road?” Sara made her the promise. In the parking garage they ran into Charles, the Doorman. He greeted them with a somber smile. “I’m very sorry for what happen to you and Mr. Connelly Sara. You two are two of the sweetest people in this building. I wish there was some way.” Sara interrupted the kind old man; she couldn’t bear to hear him blame himself for something that he had no control over. “Mr. Charles. Please. Don’t. There is nothing you could have done. Had you tried to interfere, he probably would have gotten you too. I’m barely holding it together as it is, I don’t think I could handle it if I had your death piled on top of everything else. You’re a good man Mr. Charles. Chris thought fondly of you.” She hugged the aging doorman and kissed his cheek. “Thank you Sara. Should you ever need anything, the missus and I will always be there for you.” He patted her on the back and walked away into the elevator bank. Sara watched him go and felt warmth in her heart for the old man and his wife. They didn’t really even know her and they wanted to help in some way. “Who says humanity is lost?” Sara reflected.
Driving the city streets in midday traffic perhaps wasn’t the brightest idea she had ever had. Sara remembered why she hated to drive in this city. The congestion was bad. 24 hour gridlock. At least in a cab she can plug in her headphones and drown out the city to music or let her m
ind wonder and day dream about tropical beaches where she had a drink in hand and her bare toes buried in the surf and sand. She never did know why Chris insisted on having this truck. They lived close enough to everything to walk practically. Still, riding around in this rig reminded her of him, made her feel close to him. She can still remember the day trips they had taken together to the countryside, stuck in gridlock traffic for hours at a time, laughing and teasing each other. The outside world held no consequence for them. They would get to where they were going just to watch the sunset while they ate dinner then make the drive back. She knew these were the memories of Chris she needed to hold onto, not her last vision of him lying on the floor in the entryway. Tears began to well up at the corner of her eyes. Jackie had been talking about something, but she paid little attention to what she was rambling on about. She inserted the proper “Ah” or “Oh” when she thought appropriate. Suddenly she was brought back to the present by a long silence and the feeling of Chris’s mother’s eyes on her. “You okay dear?” Sara could see concern etched on her face. “Yeah, I’m sorry. Just got caught up in my own thoughts. You were saying?” Sara hoped her face didn’t show the embarrassment she felt. “I asked if you wanted to get something to eat before or after the visit and when Beth was planning on moving in?” Jackie continued on, pretending the awkwardness hadn’t happen. “Umm…after? Wait, what? Beth is moving in? When did this happen? Sara was again flummoxed at this new revelation. Sara could feel Jackie’s eyes back on her and didn’t have to look to register the shock that must be in them. “You honestly don’t remember much from yesterday do you sweetie?” She could tell her mother-in-law worked to contain the surprise and bewilderment in her voice. She didn’t do a good job of it. “No. I guess I don’t. It all went by in such a blur.” Sara struggled to try and recall the day before. The day she apparently missed. “Yesterday morning, after your lengthy apology for your behavior the day before that, you sat down with your phone. ‘Figuring it about time I returned to the real world and deal with stuff’ as you yourself stated. Took you awhile to get all the calls made. First to your boss. Then to various work associates. You saved Beth for last. Understandable, considering the implication of things. That girl really needs to stop blaming herself, it’s not like she knew what her boyfriend did or could have stopped him if she wanted to. I declare, poor girl is as traumatized by it all almost as much as you are. Anyway, you told her there was no reason for her to be alone. You have a spare room she could stay in or ‘crash in’ as you kids say today.” Jackie caste Sara a whimsical look. “See dear one, I try to stay with the times.” “Umm…mom, I’m pretty sure they used ‘crash’ back in your day. Think its phrase held over from the 60’s. Sara, for the first time since New Year’s Day, put a genuine smile on her lips. “Maybe so dear, but a lady of refine and class uses those kinds of words around company that wouldn’t be seen around the clubhouse or nice restaurants that said woman of refined class often frequent.” Jackie’s tone was slightly chiding Sara while containing a bit of humor. “Yes mom, such a lady of refined class that never has any kind of adventures or only does it missionary with the lights off.” Sara knew that her dear, sweet motherly figure passenger would take the bait. “Such crude language my dear!” she exclaimed, feigning indignant shock. “I’ve never heard such things!” she continued. Sara knew the shell would break eventually. “Besides, I’ll have you know that your husband was conceived with the lights on and in his father’s study. On the desk.” She added the last bit in the hushed whisper that woman of her stature often used as if it would cause a great scandal if it got out to the press. Sara, with faked surprise “What? Oh my! What would the bridge club think if they knew?” Sara was enjoying the back and forth and also relishing the idea that being a woman of ‘refined class’ didn’t mean you had to be a puritan prude. “Oh they know much more than that my dear. Do you really think we just get together to play bridge? Heavens no! The game gets boring without some scandalous gossip to add to the fun. Oh the things I could tell in a memoir about some of this city’s more prominent families!” she chuckled to herself at ideas Sara could only guess at.