Pew! Pew! - Sex, Guns, Spaceships... Oh My!

by M. D. Cooper

  As Jones approached the food replicator, the voice of his pilot, Macy, piped through the speakers.

  “Coming out of hyperspace. If anyone down there would like to join the battle against the giant space bees, now would be the time.”

  Jones threw down his metal tray. “Stephen, let’s move. We’re going to need you on weapons.” He stepped over a giant pile of kale and his cousin followed close behind.

  “You think we got here in time?”

  Jones wore a roguish grin. “Of course.”

  ****

  On the bridge, Jones sat in his captain’s chair behind his pilot, Macy. The best in the fleet, she wore a shiny blue catsuit for no apparent reason other to show off her gloriously round boobies. Oh, how Jones fantasized about burying his face in them.

  “This is it. Moment of truth, gentleman and lady.”

  Mort interrupted. “That’s ladies.”

  Right. Jones forgot that Morticia was a girl AI half the time.

  “Stephen, on my mark. Macy, find the Champion I and stay close. We want to make sure nothing gets in Captain Spectacular’s way.”

  “Yes, Captain!” Macy sat up straight. “Three… Two…”

  Jones leaned forward on his elbow and held his cheek in his hand. “Steady…steady!”

  “One!” Macy screamed and braced her hands on the edge of her console as they broke out of hyperspace.

  Jones expected to see a fierce battle. Ships duking it out with each other and small, one-man fighters spinning in a vortex between asteroids and wreckage. But instead, the area around the planet was cluttered with debris.

  Something, a very big something, had been blown apart. Wreckage was all that was left amidst beads of frozen space honey aimlessly adrift. Jones would’ve been worried, except the Champion I and the rest of Earth’s fleet were orbiting a nearby world. They appeared battle-worn, but otherwise seemed fine; there wasn’t even anyone for the Barnburner to rescue or any ships to salvage—and that meant only one thing.

  “We missed it,” Macy said with a haunting sadness and sat back in her chair. “We missed the whole thing.”

  Late. Again.

  Jones was still trying to think of what to say when the communications system beeped. He hit a switch on the arm of his chair. “This is Captain Jones of Tug 1, the Barnburner.”

  “Liason for Captain Spectacular, here. The Hive has been defeated! Great work out there, Captain Jones!” The communication switched off before Jones was able to say anything. Able to protest.

  “They didn’t even realize we weren’t here.” Macy gestured to the viewing screen at the battle wreckage. “How can they not realize we weren’t here? It looks like someone dumped a giant bin of LEGO bricks out there!” She slumped in her seat and crossed her arms.

  “What matters is…we won.” Jones didn’t really believe those words, and his voice sounded as pitiful as he felt. He wanted to matter, and more than that, he wanted his efforts to matter to matter. Or maybe his hangover was just making cognitive thinking difficult.

  Nah.

  “They won. We did jack shit!” Macy stood up and kicked her chair. “We’re always late. I don’t understand it. Why can’t we just do something right for a change?”

  “Where are you going?” Jones asked as Macy stormed by.

  “To an unsecure airlock so I can space myself. How can I ever show my face on Earth again?” She sighed and raced from the bridge.

  Jones took the helm as the fleet started to break for the jump to hyperspace. “Mort, I need you to figure out why we’re always late to every battle. We made the jump the same as everyone else, so there’s no reason… Mort? Are you even listening to me?”

  “….”

  Jones sighed. “Goddamn it, Mort. Listen, I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier, all right? I’ll buy you a fresh bottle of oil back on Earth if you’d just please make sure Macy doesn’t space herself.”

  “You really mean that, Jim? A fresh, never-been-opened bottle?”

  Jones cringed. “Yeah…sure. Please just do your job. Diagnose your systems and make sure Macy is all right.”

  Morticia sighed. “All right, Captain. For you, I’ll do it.”

  On-screen, one at a time, the ships made the jump to hyperspace. A communication came in that a huge victory party was being prepared on Earth. There was even going to be a procession of heroes at the space dock leading everyone into the capital. Jones and his crew were invited! Well, that had to lift Macy’s spirits. They were going to return heroes.

  Too bad they didn’t deserve a lick of it.

  When the computer finished making the hyperspace calculations, Jones initiated the system. His head leaned back as they made the jump and his cheeks warbled side-to-side. Now, all he had to do was kill a few hours, and soon they’d return to Earth.

  Heroes. Maybe this time he’d actually get to shake Captain Spectacular’s hand.

  Chapter Two: The Spectacular Spectacle

  “Just once,” Macy said while gazing into Captain Spectacular’s eyes, “just once, I want to be there to help you. When it really matters the most.” She stroked his flat cheek and then pressed herself against his two-dimensional torso for a long hug. “Oh, Captain!”

  When she heard Stephen clear his throat behind her, Macy jumped back from the life sized poster taped up to her wall. “Do you mind?”

  “Having a private moment?” Stephen sported a well-worn smirk.

  “It’s my quarters, such as it is.” She picked up a shoe sitting on her cot and threw it at his head. “I’ll do what I want.”

  Stephen groaned as the heel of Macy’s shoe bounced off his forehead like a rubber band. “That’s going to leave a mark.”

  Macy cringed. “Sorry. I just don’t understand how I ended up on this ship or with the likes of you. Oh, no offense.”

  “Uhh…none taken?”

  “I’m offended,” Morticia said.

  With a sigh, Macy glanced up at the ceiling as if Moritica could be seen all around her. “I know it’s not your fault.”

  Stephen’s lips stuck out. “I’m pretty sure it is her fault.”

  “I just would like to be on time for something, at least once.” Macy sighed.

  Stephen slung his arm around her shoulders. “C’mon, we’ll go down to the mess and you can tell me all about it over a warm, tall glass of kale, okay?”

  “Fine.”

  “You’re not the one who always has to wear the red shirt. My closet is nothing but red shirts, but I haven’t been able to figure out why yet.”

  “You mean…” Macy straightened up taller and her eyes grew wide, “No one’s told you yet?”

  “Told me what?”

  Macy laughed nervously and twisted her fingers together. “Nothing…nothing…”

  ****

  Jones was in the mess tinkering around with the food replicator that made up the rear wall when they entered.

  Macy kept to herself as she grabbed a kale smoothie—rather, a green disaster was what it really was. It had no flavor, not even a bad flavor. She groaned as a piece of gritty kale passed through the straw and onto her tongue.

  “I can’t believe people actually drink these things on purpose,” Macy said.

  But Jones just kept tinkering, bent over a piece of equipment. “What about now, Mort? Anything changed?”

  Morticia sighed. “It says nothing has changed and that we’re better off without it.”

  Macy had no doubt the food replicator hadn’t said any such thing, but at least Morticia had Jones’s attention. Trying a different tactic, Macy jutted out her hip and pulled her catsuit’s zipper down so a bit of cleavage would show. “Sir? Captain? Sorry about earlier when I ran off. It was unprofessional of me.”

  His eyes darted for a second toward her and he smiled. “It’s all right.”

  Macy thought to return it, but a moment later, Jones had his head back inside the machine like he hadn’t even noticed her sultry stance. What was it going to take to get
his attention? Sure, once she thought she’d hold out for Captain Spectacular, but let’s face it, as long as she was a member of the crew of a tug ship, that wasn’t happening.

  And the gig wasn’t as bad as she pretended…kale smoothies aside, anyway.

  She sighed and headed over to the only table in the room and plopped down into a seat.

  Seated across from her at the table, Stephen was reading a holo paper while eating a mass of kale shaped like a hotdog. “He didn’t notice, huh?”

  Macy shook her head. “It’s like he’s not a warm-blooded male. I thought all men noticed me. I mean, I’m not wearing this outfit for my health, Stephen!”

  He chuckled. “Maybe if you weren’t wearing those fuzzy socks.”

  Macy grimaced. What the hell was wrong with her fuzzy socks? “Too many polka dots?”

  Stephen shrugged. “It’d never work out between you two, anyway. Then things would be more awkward around here than they already are. Do you really want to have to watch Jones on a bender on your birthday? Or forget it’s Valentine’s Day so we pull into space port and he drops into a discount store to buy you stale chocolate? We’re better off the way things are.”

  Maybe he was right, but Macy’s heart couldn’t let go of the things she really wanted. Ever since she stepped on board the Barnburner, she’d thought the captain was cute. Maybe he wasn’t a cute drunk, but he had other attributes that she found attractive, like a fine ass and a tight little package that was visible in the fitted pants he always wore.

  A girl had needs, and no one was lining up for the job, not even Stephen. She wasn’t the only one who’d wanted to get lucky with Captain Spectacular once upon a time.

  With a sigh, Jones strolled over and threw himself down into a chair. “I’ve done what I can, but it’s hopeless. The communication modular XL-365 is just toasted.”

  “I’d give my right arm for some toast,” Stephen said.

  Macy nodded. “I’d give his right arm, too.”

  Jones smiled and Macy swore his teeth glinted. It made her just a little hotter and she rubbed her ass back and forth in her chair. If Jones noticed, his face didn’t even flicker. “We’ll be on Earth soon enough, Macy.”

  “For the victory party!” Stephen agreed and finally put down his paper. He slammed his fist down on the table.

  Jones cupped his mouth and shouted, “Woohoo!!!”

  Macy suppressed laughter as Morticia sighed. “Can you please keep your celebrations down to a dull roar? Some of us have a headache.”

  “You don’t even have a head,” Stephen said, sounding exasperated.

  Mort groaned. “Don’t remind me!”

  Macy laughed and slid her kale smoothie over to Jones. He picked it up and took a long sip. “We’ll be living it up soon enough—you’ll see, Macy. Gourmet food, fans screaming Captain Spectacular’s name, streamers and balloons falling from the sky. It’s going to be one of the most amazing experiences of your life.”

  She didn’t deny that. “As long as there are finger foods, I’ll be fine. But Captain…are you sure we’re going to get there on time?”

  Jones nodded. “I’d count my life on it. Right, Mort?”

  “Yes, Captain. We’re meandering along right on schedule.”

  It was the most normal thing Mort had said all month. Macy shook her head, unable to accept something so simple might actually be true. “I don’t know, sir.”

  “Listen to your captain, will you? If I say something is going to happen, it’s going to happen! Back to your stations. We have a party to get to!”

  Chapter Three: Day Late and a Dollar Short

  Earth

  San Francisco Celebration Point

  They stood side-by-side on the bay, the floors covered in popped balloons and streamers soiled by thousands of trampling feet. Foam fingers littered the ground everywhere. Mouths open, they gaped at each other. Their arrival hadn’t just been late, they hadn’t just been tardy, but they had missed the entire celebration.

  The food, the parade, the speeches, and the award that Captain Spectacular surely had received. Everything, every little bit of it, they had missed.

  Stephen fell to his knees in front of a trash receptacle and picked up a stray cupcake wrapper. “We missed frosting. Real frosting, Captain!” He crunched the cupcake wrapper up tight in his hand and gave it a sniff. “Buttercream.”

  “I…” Jones gazed at Macy. “I don’t know what happened.”

  “You happened,” she whispered with tears in her eyes. “Mort happened. Together, you’re the most lackluster captain and AI this galaxy has ever known!”

  Jones hurried after her as she made her escape. “I’m sorry, Macy. You think I didn’t want this, too? I wanted it more than you’ll ever know. You’re a fine pilot. A great pilot. And you deserve…you deserve better than the Barnburner.”

  Then why? Then why was she stuck with them, and more importantly, why hadn’t she ever tried to leave? She had to get out of there. She had wasted enough time on empty promises and unfulfilled dreams. “If I’m lucky, I can still catch Captain Spectacular somewhere in town. I’m sure there’s some party somewhere and wherever a party is, that’s where I’ll find him.”

  “Macy!” Jones called after Macy as she ran down the road, but she never stopped. And she didn’t look back.

  ****

  With a sigh, Jones placed his hands on his hips. “Why are the women in my life so temperamental?”

  “She still has a thing for you, you know,” Stephen said as he fell in line and they walked away from their ship.

  “I know,” Jones reflected quietly. “I’ve always known and she’s…everything you could want in a woman, minus the illogical bouts of running out of the room.”

  “Or flinging shoes at your head,” Stephen added.

  Jones nodded. “Sexy, dangerous, smart. Funny. That little thing she does with her nose whenever I make her laugh. That’s a pretty cute thing.”

  “The cutest, sir.”

  “Maybe we’d be perfect for each other, Stephen. Maybe she’d be the ying to my yang or the peanut butter to my jam—”

  “Gross.”

  “But,” Jones sighed, “we can’t ever find out because if we did, if we fell into bed and made sweet perfect love, flinging her fuzzy socks everywhere—”

  “Huh,” Stephen interrupted. “She knew you liked them.”

  “—then she’d never leave. She’d stay with the Barnburner forever and she deserves better than that. So much better.”

  Stephen sighed as they turned the corner. They came upon the strip where all the buildings flashed with brilliant neon lights. “She hasn’t left yet.”

  “No, but she’s getting closer. Soon, she’ll be gone,” Jones could barely bring himself to say the words. They brought a slight tickle to his throat.

  “How can you tell?”

  Jones shrugged as he walked up to the pub. “The look in her eye, Stephen. The look in her eye. She’s losing the sparkle. The shine. Soon, she has to leave us or she’ll never be the same.”

  Stephen stared down at his shoes. “And then what the hell do we do? Neither of us is very good at being productive.”

  Wasn’t that the honest truth?

  “We might have to,” Jones gulped, “work.”

  “I guess you better buy me that drink now,” Stephen said.

  That was an idea. A fine idea.

  ****

  Stephen and Jones sat at the bar and nursed their beers. Stephen talked up a pair of girls who worked the dancing floor. To Jones, they looked more flexible than Gumby. Gorgeous girls too, in tight leather outfits that moved and gave just the right way. If Stephen was a better friend, he’d offer one of them to Jones.

  But he wasn’t, so he didn’t.

  Or maybe it was because he was closer with Macy. He had to be loyal to her even if they both knew a relationship with Jones was the last thing she needed.

  Jones flicked a peanut into his mouth as the guy beside him dro
ned on.

  By all accounts a nice guy, he wore white coveralls and matching baseball cap, and his upper was lip covered in a thick, black mustache. “So,” he blinked with blurry eyes, “we were standing there with the replacement pane of glass that Mr. Wonderful—”

  “Captain Spectacular,” Jones corrected.

  The man nodded. “Right. Anyway, Captain Spectacular shot up Level 56, the shopping district, with all his guns—and pews—and shit. We had just finished repairing it all except for that one window when my partner noticed, over to our left, was a giant bug. A bee! And he was thrusting his giant mother effin’ stinger right for us! I thought we were goners.”

  Jones gulped down his beer. “You won’t shut up until you finish this story, will you?”

  “Absolutely not,” the guy laughed. “Anyway, where was I? Oh, bees. Right, so I knew we were dead. He had his stinger aimed right for us.” He held out his finger like a gun. “Except do you know what happened?”

  He could only guess. “Captain Spectacular showed up?”

  “Bingo, get the man a pie plate! He showed up and shot out the plane of glass right in our hands to get the S.O.B. And now the stupid place still isn’t fixed. Damn plane of glass is on back order right now.” He picked up his beer and gazed at it before taking a long sip. “I don’t know about you, but that man really ruins my day.”

  He didn’t know the half of it. “Thanks, Fred, for telling me your story.”

  “Carl, geesh, weren’t you paying attention at all?”

  “Of course I was, Frank.” Jones slapped him on the back as he slipped off the barstool. He headed over to where Stephen was talking up the pair of girls.

  The way the girls were slithering against him made Jones think he probably shouldn’t interrupt. Maybe Jones was better off finding something else to do.

  He headed outside and rounded the bend, lighting up a cigarette as he leaned his back against the building. The brick was covered in war propaganda posters: a giant bee with a slash through him titled ‘RAID THIS’, and a Captain Spectacular poster where he stood with his hands on his hips, looking all…wait for it…spectacular.