Pew! Pew! - Sex, Guns, Spaceships... Oh My!

by M. D. Cooper

  Jones dove for the floor and rolled away as a handgun barked and his computer screen shattered. He stayed low to the ground and crawled around the sofa, reaching for the pistol he kept hidden under his coffee table. It took a second to find it with the bowls of stale popcorn and magazines piled around it. Finally, his fingers found the grip and he whipped it out, returning fire.

  Dressed all in black, his assailant was tall and should have made for an easy target. But she moved like lightning, dodging his shots. Whoever she was, Jones suspected she had military training. If that was true, she was probably sent by Fudd to take Jones out.

  Jones needed to get the information off the computer and it seemed like his assailant had the same idea. She must’ve wanted to get the drive back so there’d be no proof that Fudd was conspiring with giant space bugs.

  As his assailant dashed toward the computer, Jones couldn’t help but check her out. Blonde hair and pouting red lips like a super model. So much gloss… Jones was nearly hypnotized just looking at her and her amply sized breasts. Round, oh so round. And perky, too.

  Get control of your urges, Jones! He leapt over his sofa with his arms extended, ready to catch his assailant, but at the last possible moment, she turned and slammed her open palm into Jones’s throat.

  He groaned and gasped for air as he fell to the floor and held a hand to his neck. Wheezing and gasping, he managed to crawl toward the assailant, who was busy working on his computer. He reached out, wrapped a hand around her slender, sexy ankle, and pulled her right down on top of him.

  Oops.

  “You think I’d tango with the likes of you? Please!” The woman gripped Jones’s face and dug her fingernails into his skin. Yelping in pain, Jones pulled his assailant’s glossy hair and slammed his elbow into her chest repeatedly.

  “Let. Me. Go!” she screamed and reached for his hand.

  Jones shook his head. “That’ll never happen, sweet stuff.”

  “No, seriously. Let me go… I gotta pee.”

  Jones practically rolled his eyes. “Why didn’t you go before?”

  “I didn’t really expect it to take this long.”

  Jones grimaced; well, that certainly wasn’t very nice. “Hey!” He slammed his fist into his assailant’s face and she went unconscious. That would show her to underestimate Jones. “Take that, muchacha.”

  He made his way over to the computer. Everything appeared to still be in working order. He sighed with relief and pulled out the drive, sliding it back into his pocket.

  Now, he had to make his way to the hotel. Pocketing his phone and his charged plasma gun, Jones glanced back at the front door. It was possible others could’ve been out there waiting for him, so he was going to have to make his exit a different way.

  It looked like he was taking the window.

  “Not so fast, Jones!”

  With a gasp, he glanced behind him and saw his assailant was undoing her trench coat. Was this really the time and place to come on to him? That’s when Jones realized she was an android, and beneath that black trench coat were…

  Boob guns.

  Jones screamed as they fired, and he launched himself across his balcony and down twenty stories into the pool. Lucky for him, some drunk frat boys broke his fall.

  “Dude! That was awesome!”

  Jones wrung out his shirt as he stepped up onto the patio and took a drink from the hand of another college kid. “All in a day’s work when you’re captain of the Barnburner.”

  “What is—”

  Jones grumbled and pointed a finger at him. “Don’t say it.”

  Chapter Four: Unspectacular

  Macy’s arrival at the party didn’t bring a lot of fanfare. Truth be told, she didn’t really know anyone there, but what a party it was! Tables with epic pastries filled with luscious creams, crunchy chips, and a chocolate layer cake that would’ve pleased any chocoholic. Actual food with real texture and flavor and not even an ounce of kale. Not one chewy, stringy leaf.

  Macy was feeling bad for herself, but after a cannoli—or two, maybe seven—she started to feel a lot better. Perhaps even a little hyper with a bit of a sugar headache, but it sure beat feeling like a deadbeat pilot of a misfit crew.

  Leaving the cannolis, Macy grabbed a glass of champagne and eyed the appetizer table. Some small meatballs on a gold swirl toothpick was exactly what she needed, and maybe a scallop wrapped in genuine bacon. From a distance, the meatballs were glossy and enticing in their red sweet and sour sauce. Macy’s mouth watered at just the sight of them. Once she was close enough to smell the tanginess of the sauce, her stomach growled and she popped one of those puppies into her mouth.

  “Excuse me,” a tall man dressed in an official uniform said to Macy as he edged his way in to grab a meatball. Macy bet he was handsome, but she only caught a glimpse of his profile. He smelled heavenly of musk with a hint of cinnamon, and his brown hair was styled perfectly in a coifed wave. So much taller than anyone Macy had met…

  It was Captain Spectacular! It was him! Actually him, and her mouth was full of meatballs.

  He left the buffet area and headed toward the front of the room. She took chase after him through the crowded ballroom, staring at his perfectly round ass the entire way. All the while chomping on the mouthful of meatball. Savory and sweet as it was, Macy couldn’t have picked a worse time to stuff her face. She never would have, if the food replicator back on the Barnburner could make anything but kale in the shape of food people actually wanted to eat.

  “Wait!” Macy raised her arm and waved above the crowd, but Captain Spectacular didn’t notice her. Through the legions of screaming fans and crewmates, how could he?

  Captain Spectacular climbed a small flight of stairs to reach the stage, and as he took to the podium, a round of polite applause flowed through the room like a wave, starting on the right-hand side and traveling to the left-hand side. Everyone waited with bated breath to hear what the captain would say.

  Macy couldn’t see anything. Everyone around her was so tall that the only thing she could make out was the top of the captain’s head. Perfect as his hair was, Macy wanted to catch a glimpse of the handsome face she had only seen on vids.

  How perfect his nose was, his angular chin, and his strong jaw—how would that make her knees melt? Hopping up on her tiptoes didn’t help.

  “Oh, he’s so handsome!” one of the ladies said just in front of her.

  Her friend nodded with enthusiasm. “I’ve never seen eyes like that before, and I’ve been around.”

  This set off a chorus of laughter. “Around like a pizza.”

  Macy scowled. Couldn’t they just move so she could see?

  The microphone squealed as Captain Spectacular spoke into it. “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. When I went into the black on this last mission, I never thought I’d get the pleasure of standing with all of you again.” He paused to allow for the polite applause to trickle off.

  “I have to say, I’m damn happy to be here with you. I’d like to thank all of you, and my shipmates, for always having faith in me. We got the job done, and I wouldn’t’ve got it done without your support. Like a leaf traveling through the sky, you are the wind beneath my branches.”

  He paused to compose himself and tears filled Macy’s eyes. She hadn’t heard anyone speak so elegantly in…well, maybe ever.

  “I just have to say, citizens of Earth, I love you guys. I did it all for you with the hope that the Earth will continue to rotate around the sun, just as your love rotates around me.”

  The applause grew so loud as he walked off stage that Macy’s ears burned. She couldn’t have imagined a more perfect speech. She had to meet him—to see him in person, up close. Even if she couldn’t control her urges, and touched him inappropriately, it would be worth it to be in the presence of the great Captain Spectacular.

  If she could only just touch him. Ohhh…to touch him. Maybe even stroke his hair.

  Macy forced her way through the crowd, and
she wasn’t even apologetic. Captain Spectacular seemed to have disappeared from the ballroom. Following the direction he had headed in, Macy went through the double doors and ended up in a back hallway.

  A service exit? Really? It didn’t seem right for someone of Captain Spectacular’s caliber.

  There was light chatter, and it sounded excited. Maybe that meant that Captain Spectacular had come through here already. As she rounded the corner, Macy gasped at the sight of Spectacular lying face down on the ground. Macy could make out his boots, because they had special little silver wingtips that were made just for him.

  Someone with a gun had the captain under close watch and his minions rushed in and seized Earth’s savior.

  “Careful. Don’t mess up his hair,” one said.

  The guy in charge sighed. “I don’t care about his hair!”

  Wait a second, that voice. Where had Macy heard it before?

  It was Admiral Fudd! But what was he doing? He was supposed to be on their side. He had been best friends with Captain Spectacular for years, so why was he going around knocking him out? Was it possible that this was some sort of hazing ritual between old career buddies?

  “But his hair is so beautiful, sir.”

  Fudd sighed. “If I had my way, I’d shave every perfect lock off his head. I can’t stand the sight of his face any more than I care to stare at your ass. Pull up your pants, for God’s sake!”

  Nope, definitely not a hazing ritual, but what could Macy do?

  “Get him on the ship!” Fudd barked and hurried down the hall. “We need to get out of here before the space bugs arrive.”

  Bugs? Fudd was working with The Hive? Macy wouldn’t have believed it if she hadn’t heard it with her own ears.

  Macy stayed hidden until everyone was out of sight. Then, she rushed after them and watched Captain Spectacular get loaded onto a shuttle with the Starlight’s logo on the side. Sure enough, that was Fudd’s ship. Somehow, she had to stop them. If the bugs were truly coming to Earth, Captain Spectacular was who they needed. No one else could lead a charge against the bugs.

  She rushed back to the party to get help and found that it was still in full swing. People were dancing, talking, and laughing in large groups. She had to push past them and search for someone in authority. Then, she saw the general who had promoted her to pilot of the Barnburner. He would be able to help her.

  “General?” Macy ran right over to him, but she stop short of actually grabbing his arm. “I have horrible news. I really need your help. Captain Spectacular—”

  The general sipped his drink, his eyebrows furrowed as he took in the sight of her. “If you’re looking for an autograph, Miss, I’m afraid I can’t get you one. Captain Spectacular’s a very busy man.”

  Didn’t he recognize her? “General, it’s me, Macy. I served under you….”

  The general just laughed. “I wish. If you served under me, I’m pretty sure I would have known.”

  Macy’s mouth fell open and in disgust. “Honestly, what is wrong with all of you men? I’m not some sort of sex bot!”

  A group of men behind the general laughed. “Sure she isn’t.”

  Under other circumstances, Macy would have taught them a thing or two to put them in their place, but she had a ticking clock. She shook her head to clear her thoughts. “Listen, Captain Spectacular is in trouble and the bugs are going to be invading. We need to—”

  “I don’t know what you’ve been drinking, but Captain Spectacular already defeated The Hive. He was just here,” the general gestured toward the stage, “and gave a speech. I almost cried.”

  “Yes, yes. We all almost cried, he’s very eloquent,” Macy said impatiently.

  “And did you see his eyes?” The general shook his head. “No one has eyes like that except for him.”

  Actually, Macy hadn’t and that’s what started this whole mess. “You’re a general. You have to help me. You used to believe me. Don’t you even remember who I am?”

  “Quite frankly, no.”

  Macy’s cheeks flushed. “I served... I mean, I took my orders from you. Until I was promoted and you assign me to the Barnburner,” Macy said and she watched the confusion spread across the general’s face. “It’s a tug. We’re Captain Spectacular’s fleet.”

  “I don’t know what a Barnburner is, but it kinda sounds like a rock band. Barnburner…wait I know.”

  Macy’s eyes widened with excitement. Finally, she was going to get some help!

  “The Barnburner tug, right?. We decommissioned that about two years ago.”

  This conversation was getting Macy nowhere. She left the general staring after her. If she couldn’t get any help at the party, what was she going to do? Macy stared out the window and took in the sights of San Francisco. There was one option…She couldn’t believe whom she was thinking of going to for help.

  Macy pulled up her phone and stared at it, but if there was one person who would believe her no matter what crazy story she told, Macy knew who it was.

  For better or worse, Macy had to call Captain Jim Jones.

  Chapter Five: Back on the Case

  Halfway to the hotel, Jones stopped at the spacedogs vending cart. Spacedogs were the latest in culinary treats, and Jim couldn’t resist buying one with all the fixings—Martian cheese, Venus relish, and some of that spicy Pluto sauce. Sure, he was on his way to save Captain Spectacular, but he couldn’t do that on empty stomach.

  When his phone rang, Jones quickly swallowed the rest of his space dog before answering. “Macy?”

  Jones wasn’t even aware she still had his number. Last he knew, she had deleted it from her phone and promised—or threatened—never to use it again.

  “Jim,” her voice was laced with something he had never heard before. Not desire, but fear.

  Weird.

  “What’s the matter?” Jones felt something he hadn’t felt in a long time: worry about someone other than himself. Maybe his feelings for her were stronger than he’d thought. Hot damn, he had to stop being such a stud muffin.

  “I’m at the hotel. Captain Spectacular was here. I know this is going to sound crazy, but you have to believe me. Please.”

  Jones took a deep breath before answering. “Spectacular was kidnapped by Admiral Fudd, who is working with the space bugs to invade Earth for a few cases of honey and his own hunk of rock—and I ain’t talking about diamonds, sister. I’m talking about an actual rock. How’s that for some rapid exposition, sister?”

  Macy squealed, and Jim had a feeling it was more out of anger than happiness. “How did you—? What? Jim Jones! Wait, a rock?”

  “I’m not just another pretty face, you know. I’m captain of the Barnburner.”

  Macy sighed. “Despite all that, somehow I knew I could trust you. What are we going to do? I tried talking to the general here, but he wouldn’t believe me. Fudd took Captain Spectacular up to his flagship. How are we going to catch Fudd and free the cap?”

  Jim gazed up at the sky and imagined what was past it—the Starlight, Fudd’s ship, and the looming armada of hives-ships hell-bent on enslaving Earth. “We’re going to have to catch them. We need to get the Barnburner out of spacedock and make an unscheduled flight into the stars.”

  Macy groaned. “Isn’t that a little out of the Barnburner’s league? No offense.”

  None taken; she was right, but they had little other choice. “We’ve got to do this. Not for ourselves, and not even really for Captain Spectacular, but for the people of Earth. They don’t deserve to be stung by giant bees or turned into drones, enslaved by the queen.”

  “When you put it that way…. What’s your plan?”

  Jim’s eyebrows furrowed. “My plan is to get the Barnburner and fly into space…to…get Spectacular back.”

  Macy sighed. “We can always count on you, Jim Jones.”

  “That’s why they call me the brains behind this operation, sweetheart. Meet me at the dock. I’m going to grab Stephen and make sure he’s sober
enough to join us.”

  “Good luck—and be careful.”

  Careful? That’s exactly what they couldn’t be.

  Jim fired up the comm he wore in his ear and sent a direct message to the Barnburner. “Mort, I want you to start warming up the engines and go through the undocking protocol. When we reach you, we’ll have one hell of a flight on our hands.”

  Morticia sighed. “I can’t.”

  Jones cringed. “I know I’m going to regret asking this, but why can’t you?”

  “They’ve locked me down and disabled my engines. I heard them talking, and they didn’t say anything really nice about you. Some of the things they said were true. Most of them were gross exaggerations. Anyway, they don’t want me to go anywhere. They fit me with an ugly-looking spaceboot, too.”

  A spaceboot! On his girl? That burned Jim’s cookies. “Can we find a way to get it off?”

  “No, Jim. As we’ve often discussed, I don’t have hands, but thanks for the painful reminder.”

  Dammit, she was right. “Hang on, I’m coming to get you. No one gives my girl the boot!”

  “Thanks for the kind words, Captain, but once you put a spaceboot on me when I tried to abandon you on that deserted planet. I found your outfit highly offensive.”

  “No one boots my girl but me, Mort. But me!”

  “I mean,” Morticia sighed, “who mixes Hawaiian print and plaid?”

  “Ugh!” Jim ended the call and knew they were going to have to come up with something good to distract the workers on Dock 286 so they could remove the boot and fly the heck out of Frisco.

  ****

  When Jones picked Stephen up at the Stargazer Three-Tits Lounge, he was right in the middle of something, and it wasn’t a game of bowling. Stephen’s red shirt had a nasty stain, and he’d have a killer hangover, but it wasn’t anything a kale smoothie couldn’t fix. He gave Stephen his fancy bit of rapid exposition, and by the time they arrived at Dock 286 Stephen was up to speed.

  Somewhere along the way, Stephen had picked up a serious case of the hiccups. “So, your plan is…hic…distract the officers on duty at the dock so Macy and I can pull the spaceboot off the BB—”