Pew! Pew! - Sex, Guns, Spaceships... Oh My!

by M. D. Cooper

  “You know they hate that name,” Alissa smirked.

  “Sorry, but I could never quite get onboard with ‘Lords of Doom’.”

  “Right? They haven’t done one remotely menacing thing.”

  Jack flourished his hands. “Precisely. Frankly, I’ve just always avoided them because of the legendary stench.”

  “Which is not insurmountable,” Alissa pointed out. “That’s why the first step of my plan is to catch them on a shower day.”

  “That’s what, once a month?”

  “Not if we make it a shower day,” she grinned.

  “And how is that accomplished?”

  “Soup.”

  Jack’s eye widened. Clearly she’d lost her mind. “Come again?”

  “Well, chili, technically. There’s this particular brand—they buy it in barrels. Apparently the shelf life is phenomenal.”

  “The stench is suddenly making a whole lot more sense.”

  “I know! So, I’m thinking there’s going to be a little mishap with the delivery.”

  “What kind of mishap?” Jack asked cautiously.

  “Perhaps a simulated eruption of an air bubble trapped during the packaging process, which would just happen to correspond to when the barrel is opened for a quality control check.”

  Jack smiled. “You’re quite devious.”

  “It’s a gift. Needless to say, soup everywhere and showers would be in order.”

  “That’s assuming they have any sense of decency—which is fairly well established that they don’t,” Jack countered.

  “I forgot to mention the defective feather pillows that will ‘accidentally’ be added to their order.”

  “Now we’re talking.”

  Alissa grinned. “So, while they’re busy trying to remove soupy feathers without permanently destroying their drainage system, we should be able to sneak in, crack their vault, and take a nano induction module.”

  “Or all of them, if we’re going to that trouble.”

  “Good point.”

  “But,” Jack raised his finger, “the safe-cracking bit…”

  “Yeah, that’s going to be tricky. That’s why we’ll need Finn.”

  “And where is Finn?”

  “In prison.”

  Jack sighed and shook his head. “Which prison?”

  Alissa inched back on the couch adjacent to Jack. “Hellana,” she said under her breath.

  “Oh, come on…”

  “Look, it’s only hard to break out of. It’s plenty easy to get in.”

  Jack groaned. “But to get someone out you need to break out!”

  “It shouldn’t be a problem for Triss.”

  “And let me guess, Triss is—”

  “Watching a vid nextdoor,” Alissa interrupted. “She’s going ahead to get things prepped in the morning.”

  “Oh.”

  Alissa smiled. “So, all we have to do is break Finn out of prison, steal the nano induction module from the Winkelson Brothers, and then gather a little bit of radioactive material from Thandor VII so we can break into the GiganCorp research lab. Easy.”

  Jack frowned. “You didn’t mention the radioactive part before.”

  “I didn’t? Probably because it’s barely worth mentioning.” She shrugged.

  “Alissa, this is a terrible plan.”

  CHAPTER 3: Popular with the Ladies

  A proper night’s rest left Jack feeling much improved, but he couldn’t help reflecting on the unfortunate turn of events. While things hadn’t exactly been going great lately—or ever—he at least had maintained some sense of autonomy. To be a captive of a possibly crazed weapons dealer and have been rendered half blind made him question his life decisions.

  He decided all of the misfortune could be traced back to that one fateful night on Raylen II with the tequila bombs and anchovy-based finger foods. Granted, he couldn’t actually remember the night, but the gap in his memory seemed like a reasonable place to pinpoint for his decidedly downward trajectory as late.

  The quarters where he’d been deposited for the night was actually an empty closet with a blanket on the floor. He was thankful for the blanket and slightly less thankful that the floor was inexplicably sloped at fifteen degrees and he kept sliding into the wall while he slept.

  Nonetheless, he awoke feeling happy to still be alive, despite his itchy eye implant, and was ready to tackle Alissa’s crazy plan.

  He was roused from his blanket cocoon by a knock on the door. Without waiting for him to reply, the door swung inward and Alissa peered in.

  “Ready?” she asked.

  “After that talk about the Winkelson Brothers, I don’t suppose I could get a shower myself?” Jack asked.

  Alissa nodded. “I was going to request it. This way.”

  She led him down the hall through the living room area to a sliding door. “Wait here a minute,” she instructed and stepped inside.

  Thirty seconds later, a different woman emerged from the room wearing only a towel. She gave Jack a look of distaste as she passed by.

  Alissa exited right behind her. “It’s all yours,” she told him. “We don’t exactly get many male visitors around here.”

  “Not even for fun?” he asked.

  “Ew. Why would we do that when we have each other?” She stepped aside. “Go clean up. I’ll be waiting out here.”

  Jack took a quick shower and ran his clothes through the ultrasonic cleaner. By the time he was re-dressed in his gray shirt, black flight jacket, and charcoal pants he was feeling more like himself, despite the missing eye. He took several minutes to inspect the surgical site and replacement apparatus.

  True to Alissa’s initial assessment, the modification was a touch on the horrifying side. The metal eye protruded from his eye socket, revealing glowing blue lights. An artificial iris at the center was presently closed. The skin around the artificial eye was red and tender, but it appeared that the wound was healing. Knowing there wasn’t much he could do about the disfiguration at this juncture, he decided to invent an epic war story to tell the ladies about how he lost the eye—like saving an entire village from a meteor shower that happened to correspond with an attack from extradimensional aliens. Yeah, he was a hero.

  Smiling to himself as he thought about his fictional escapades, he left the bathroom and found Alissa waiting on the couch in the common room for him.

  “Took you long enough,” she muttered, rising to her feet. She stepped over toward the corridor leading through the far wall. “We’re behind schedule.”

  “For the jailbreak?” Jack asked, jogging to catch up with her brisk pace.

  “More or less. Triss is waiting for us.”

  Jack beamed. “Look at you using ‘us’! It’s almost like we’re a team.”

  “Don’t get any ideas,” Alissa cautioned. “I’m authorized to use deadly force if you so much as look at me funny.”

  “No need to get all defensive.”

  “I’m not—” Alissa cut herself off and groaned. “I should have gotten you a muzzle to go with that freak eye.”

  “What happened to ‘us’?” Jack attempted to bat his eyelashes—normally a surefire move for melting hearts—but the singular eye made the move decidedly more difficult.

  Alissa ignored him and walked faster.

  She led him down the corridor to a lift, which deposited them in another hallway. At the end of that, a large sliding door was marked “Shuttle Bay”.

  “We’re taking a ship?” Jack questioned.

  “Obviously. I think you’re familiar with it.”

  He perked up. “The Lucille?”

  “That was your name for it,” Alissa replied. “Svetlana has always known it as the Little Princess.”

  “That name was never going to work with my image.”

  “Congratulations—consider you image revised.”

  The Little Princess was somewhat larger than its name suggested—stretching fifty meters long and twenty meters tall. It was a mas
s production model with a generic central body, wide wing base, and four thrusters in the rear. He’d seen countless others like it in his travels. It was one of those ships that a traveler would come across in any corner of the galaxy while going on some crazy adventure or another.

  “You have exceptionally boring taste in starships, you know,” Alissa commented as they walked across the nearly empty hangar toward the vessel. “Of all the ships to steal, you had to pick one of these.”

  “Again, I bought it,” Jack retorted. “Blame the thief for their bad taste. I just wanted something modest and affordable to get my business going.”

  “Were you seriously trying to do something respectable?”

  Jack shrugged. “Well, smuggling is pretty difficult with forged credentials. I at least needed the paperwork to look good in case I was ever questioned.”

  “You can fit maybe four people and a crate of food in one of these. That’s terrible for smuggling.”

  “Lemme guess, you haven’t been out to Corican, have you?” Jack asked.

  “No, why?”

  “Well, the engines are bulky on these guys. But, if you’re okay with slower acceleration, you can swap out one of the turbo tanks for an extra cargo hold—something that no inspector is expecting to look for.”

  Alissa’s eyes widened momentarily. “That is rather clever.”

  “I never got the chance to make the alteration, but it’s something Svetlana might be interested in.”

  “All right, I guess maybe you aren’t as completely useless as we’d predicted.”

  Jack smiled. “See? Live and learn.”

  They made the final approach to the vessel, and Alissa used a control panel under a hatch on the side of the ship to input an access code for the passenger door. It chirped with acceptance and the door folded down from the side wall to form a ramp inside.

  “I think all of your things are still in here,” she said as they entered. “Based on the smell of feet, I’m guessing that includes your laundry.”

  “It’s not equipped with an ultrasonic cleaner—which is surprising given Svetlana’s apparent fastidiousness.”

  Alissa eyes him with a hint of surprise. “That was a big word for you.”

  “That’s not the only big—”

  “I’m going to stop you right there. No.”

  Jack sighed. “Too good of an opening. I had to try.”

  She nodded. “Props for that.”

  Everything did appear to be in order based on how Jack had left it. He passed through the narrow hallway that ran the length of the vessel on the starboard side and entered into the compact living area midship, which consisted of a couch, and couple of chairs, and a kitchenette complete with a small dining table. He scanned over the contents of a cabinet on the back wall, secured by a plexiglass door.

  “It is still here!” Jack slid the door open and pulled out a slim, elongated metal case. It opened on a hinge along the long edge and he extracted a piece of straw from the cradle inside the case.

  “Is that hay?” Alissa asked with one eyebrow raised.

  “Only if you want to be all backworlds about it,” Jack replied as he placed the stalk between his teeth. “This is artisan straw.”

  Alissa’s expression of profound distaste didn’t diminish. “And why is it in your mouth?”

  “It’s sophisticated and gives me character.”

  “Um, no.”

  Jack scoffed. “You’re just envious because you don’t have your own.”

  Alissa let out a long breath between her teeth. “Did someone really tell you that holding a piece of straw in your mouth would make you look cool?”

  “She didn’t tell me—she enlightened me.”

  “She was messing with you.”

  Jack shrugged off the statement.

  “No, seriously,” Alissa insisted. “Pretty sure this is how it went down: you failed hard while attempting to flirt with her, she had some quick wit and the kind of charm you can’t train, and she devised a delightful gag that she still jokes about with her friends to this day.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Alissa grinned. “Oh, but I do. I see the doubt in your eye.”

  Jack faltered. “No, I mean… Maybe it was kind of strange how she smirked while she suggested it.”

  “Had you made any sort of lewd comment?”

  “That depends on your definition of ‘lewd’...”

  Alissa nodded with satisfaction, snickering. “Yep, that’s what happened. She wanted to make you look like you had an oral fixation.”

  “A what? No.” Jack shook his head.

  “Yeah, and I don’t mean in the kind of way ladies would find alluring.”

  “Sucking on a piece of straw isn’t—”

  Alissa could barely contain her giggling. “Lemme guess, she suggested that you find the longest, thickest piece of straw you can and slowly—”

  “Stop. Stop! Please.” Jack spat out the straw and stomped on it.

  She paused her cackling for two seconds and then burst into another giggle fit. “This is too good.”

  “No more straw. Happy?”

  Eyes tearing, Alissa regained her composure. “You know, I actually kind of liked it.”

  Jack was trying to think of a witty retort when an alarm sounded in the hangar.

  CHAPTER 4: The Misadventure Begins

  “That’s not good,” Alissa said with a frown.

  “What is that sound and why is it so alarming?” Jacked asked, holding his hands over his ears.

  “The Luxuria has been breached.”

  “What?” Jack shouted.

  Alissa removed his hands from over his ears. “The spaceport is compromised. We need to go—now!”

  Jack’s pulse spiked. “What’s going on?”

  “I have no idea. This hasn’t happened before.” Alissa’s previously unflappable demeanor was fraying around the edges. “Seal the door. I’ll get the engines warmed up.”

  Jack nodded and returned to the hatch where they’d entered. He used the control panel to raise the door ramp and then manually locked it down with a lever. The alarm in the hangar was nearly silent with the door closed, though it still reverberated along the hull.

  By the time he was finished, he could feel the vibration from the engines under foot. He ran the short length to the cockpit at the front of the craft. A three-panel window spanned the front of the room in front of two chairs and an instrument panel with a combination of button control and touch interfaces. A HUD on the central window was presently displaying the engine initialization progress.

  “Have you tried asking the station what the alarm is about?” Jack asked her as he took the seat on the right.

  “No response,” Alissa replied, keeping her gaze focused on the systems checks displayed on the HUD. “We’ll meet Triss at our planned rendezvous.”

  “I’m in support of any plan that involves being somewhere other than here.”

  Alissa scowled at the controls. “And we would be somewhere else already if this ship didn’t take an eternity to warm up.”

  “That’s on your boss, not me,” Jack said, raising his hands in defense. “I would have gone for something other than the base model if I’d had a halfway decent budget.”

  “She would have, but—”

  The ship lurched to the side.

  “Uh…” Jack began.

  Alissa rose partway from her seat to get a better view out the front window. She immediately sat back down and strapped into the flight harness.

  Jack only needed a moment’s glance outside to do the same thing. There was a hole in the hangar wall, and it wasn’t an open door.

  He had barely strapped in when the Little Princess careened across the floor toward the vacuum.

  Alissa made rapid entries on the control panel to force a quick-start of the engines—a risky maneuver indoors, but launching on an uncontrolled vector into a potential debris field was way more dangerous. />
  “Argh!” she exclaimed with frustration when the systems were nonresponsive.

  “You have to reverse the polarity!” Jack shouted.

  “That doesn’t even make sense!”

  “It works… for some reason. Just do it!” he insisted.

  Alissa made the necessary inputs to modify the power flow through the engines. System lights lit up green across the board.

  “Huh,” she murmured dumbstruck.

  “Fly!” Jack shouted, involuntarily ducking as the ship passed dangerously close to a cargo crane that had been wrenched free from inside the hangar.

  The Little Princess and loose equipment from the hangar passed through the open maw in the side of the station and entered into open space.

  Alissa grabbed the controls and fired the thrusters to begin countering their uncontrolled spin away from the station. With careful maneuvering, the tumbling slowed and she was able to swing the ship around under her control to get a view of the Luxuria.

  Rather, what was left of the Luxuria.

  “Stars…” Alissa breathed.

  Jack released a slow breath as he took in the sight. The hole in the hangar was one of several gashes around the structure. It appeared that the station had resembled a four-pronged star in its whole state, but one of the arms was broken off entirely and it appeared that all power had been lost.

  “I guess that explains why they weren’t replying to your calls…” Jack murmured.

  “Did any of them make it out?” Tears were forming in Alissa’s eyes as she took in the destruction, searching for signs of escape pods. “What could have done this?”

  Her question was immediately answered by a near-miss laser blast across the nose of the vessel.

  Jack spotted the origin of the shot off their port side—a nasty-looking warship with unnecessary spikes along the dorsal support beam, armored plating, and comically large guns. Many, many guns.

  He gulped. “I’m going to suggest we jump to—”

  The stars were a blur outside his window before he could complete the sentence.

  The hyperspace jump had Jack pinned against the back of his seat for the initial five seconds of the jump. As the ship achieved velocity, he was able to breath normally again and took several deep breaths to calm his racing heart.