Unscripted

by Natalie Aaron

  I clear my throat. “You’re the star of the show. They’re not going to do that with you. They might do it with some of the guys. But not with you.” Unless you turn out to be a complete diva and the producers and editors don’t like you. Then watch out, lady. Then they’ll use every unattractive angle they can find and frankenbite your ass. Hmm. Maybe it’s best to keep that part to myself.

  Katie takes a deep breath, stands up and smoothes out her dress. “Okay, I’m ready. It’ll be fine,” she says more to herself than to me. “It’ll be just fine.”

  As we walk back into the bedroom, Will and Lisa are standing on the balcony looking at the setup down below. Well, don’t they make a pretty picture.

  “Katie’s ready now!” I shout, startling them.

  Will walks out and takes Katie’s arm. “So you’re good?”

  Katie nods yes and Will smiles and mouths “thank you” to me as he leads her out of the room. Lisa smiles tightly and scurries to catch up with them.

  Finally, the party is well on its way. Katie seems to be doing well. Better than that, actually. She’s flitting around like a prom queen. I think she’s caught on to the point of the show, because she’s already identified two of her ex-boyfriends just by their voices. Either that, or she was tipped off by the massive amount of questions about ex-boyfriends in her application.

  We started out by filming at the pool, where Katie and her suitors had cocktails and hors d’oeuvres. They circled around her like vultures, asking her dozens of questions about herself. I’ve never seen a guy this attentive before, much less a flock of them. Most of the time on Matchmaker, the male daters just talked about themselves. But guys like to compete. And this is a competition. I doubt any of them are here for love. They’re here to win.

  After the guys finish their drinks, I decide to grab a few on-the-fly interviews with several of them. It’s my first interaction with any of them, but I already know what to expect— drunk, stupid, camera-hogging schmucks.

  I ask Christine to round up the first guy who looks available while I set up the shot with one of the camera guys downstairs in the library. As I reread the statistics on each suitor, I hear a knock on the door. Christine is standing there with Blue Man. I let them both in and ask him to de-mask.

  “Just take a seat, and we can get started,” I say, pointing to a desk chair in front of a wall full of books.

  “You got it,” he replies, peeling off the mask to reveal a gorgeous, yet sweaty face. He takes a seat in the chair and quietly crosses his legs. The hair-and-makeup girl dabs his face and applies powder to take away the shine. His eyes are pale blue, lined with a ring of green specks, his hair is thick and dark, and his teeth are ridiculously perfect. On top of that, he has the highest cheekbones and the cutest dimples I’ve ever seen. Shit. I’m in trouble.

  “Uh, hi, hi, helloooo. So, um. You’re Lee? No wait, Joe. Ryan. No, don’t tell me. I have it right here.” I clumsily sift through the papers in my lap and begin to giggle. “Oops, I was totally prepared for this. I swear.”

  He shoots me a dazzling smile. “No problem, beautiful. Take your time. There is no place I’d rather be than here.”

  “Awww, you’re so sweet,” I say, throwing my hand in a silly wave. I turn to Christine who raises her eyebrows at me. The camera guy forces a cough and shakes his head ever so slightly. All right, I get it. I’m acting like a middle-schooler with a crush. I can handle this. Good-looking men never throw me. I’m a rock, damn it. A rock!

  “You’re Ryan.”

  “That’s me,” he says, flashing me those dimples again.

  Damn he’s so cute. “So, this is how the interview is going to go. I won’t be on camera, so if you could please incorporate my questions into your answers, that would be great.”

  “Absolutely. Fire away.”

  Oh, he’s so nice! “So, you’re one of the exes. Can you tell me about your relationship with Katie? How did you guys meet? How long did you go out for? And why did you break up?”

  “Well, Katie and I met in college. She was a freshman. I was a senior. We were taking a human sexuality class together.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I thought she was beautiful, but I was shy. So it took me until the end of the semester to finally get the nerve to ask her out for a coffee.”

  Oooh, he’s shy. I love shy.

  “We only dated a few months, but those months were magical.” He looks off into the distance as if in a daydream.

  “So, why did it end?” I try my best to act serious, all signs of a smile now gone from my face. But I just want to give him a big hug. He looks so sad, so lost.

  I wonder if he likes Mexican food.

  “We eventually broke up because we were in different places in our lives. I was graduating college, she was just starting. It never could’ve worked. I didn’t want to ruin her college experience. She was pledging a sorority, she needed to date and experience life.”

  I nod knowingly. “I understand completely. So can you tell me why you’ve decided to come on this show?”

  “I’ve decided to come here because I want a second chance with Katie. I want to try and win her back. We’re both older, wiser. I think I could make her happy.”

  I sigh. “So what do you think your strategy is going to be?”

  “My strategy is simple. I have to prove my love to her. I have to prove to her that I’m not here for the same reasons everyone else is. It’s not a game for me. I have never stopped loving my sweet, darling Katie.”

  I scratch my cheek and tilt my head toward my notes. My sweet, darling Katie? Hmm, there is a bit of the ick factor hanging on that last line. How can he love a woman he hasn’t seen in nearly ten years? Who says that? Okay, time to get a hold of myself. This guy is so damn good-looking he’s nearly hypnotized me. I turn back to Christine, but now she’s smiling at Ryan like a puppy dog. Oh Jesus. This guy is good!

  The night is finally coming to a close. I only interviewed two more guys. One who has never met Katie before tonight, but is already besotted. And the other, Frank, her high school boyfriend senior year. He’s clearly going to be the resident asshole. When I asked him why he decided to come on the show he said, “I’m not going to lie. She was fucking frigid in bed when she was seventeen. I’d love to see if she’s learned any new tricks.” Now that’s the kind of guy you want to bring home to Daddy.

  The guys eventually removed their masks in a pre-arranged ceremony in the gazebo. They all stood in a semi-circle facing Katie, as she took off each guy’s mask one by one. It was kind of anti-climactic because she didn’t look very surprised. I’m guessing she sussed out most of the guys’ identities by the night’s end. But it was still fun to watch.

  Now I’m just ready to go home, get into my bed and sleep for the next whole day. These hours are going to be the death of me.

  It’s 3:15 in the morning and I’m exhausted. My feet are pounding from the nonstop walking and I have a kink in my neck. I’m still too keyed-up from the day to sleep, so the best option is to change into my pajamas and watch bad TV until I can’t keep my eyes open. Fortunately, I have tomorrow off so I can wallow in nothingness all day long.

  I take off my shoes and tiptoe down our hallway, trying my best not to wake Zoë, but her bedroom door is open. That’s strange. Zoë always sleeps with the door closed. I peek into the room only to find her bed still made.

  “Zoë?” I call out to the darkened apartment. No answer. Zoë said she was just going to dinner with her friends tonight. She’s not one for the clubs anymore, so where could she be at three o’clock in the morning?

  I’m fighting a little knot of fear in my stomach. She’s a grown woman, but this is very unlike Zoë. She used to always leave a message on my cell when she’d sleep over at Jeff’s. Even though I feel a little like her hysterical mother, I dial her number. After one ring, it goes straight to voice mail. At the beep, an annoying automated voice informs me that her voice mailbox is full.

  I walk over to the answering m
achine and notice the little red light is flashing. I feel a surge of relief as I hit the button. But it’s not Zoë who’s left a message.

  “Hello, Zoë, it’s Douglas. Your voice mail was full, so I thought I’d try you here. The meeting with my investors is running a little long, so if you get this in time, come by the restaurant at 8:15. If I’ve missed you, don’t worry, I’ll have a lovely Pinot Grigio waiting for you at the bar. See you soon, baby.”

  I shudder slightly at the word baby. Douglas? I’ve never heard Zoë mention a Douglas. I pick up the phone and check caller ID. At 7:20 there was a call from Lush. Lush? Wait, wasn’t that where I had dinner with Zoë and her friends a few months ago? Oh God. Douglas? Not the Silver Fox.

  Is Zoë dating the Silver Fox? Blehhhh.

  I can’t get a clear picture of him in my mind, but I do remember a ponytail and orange, leathery skin. And the fact that the man is pushing sixty makes his choice of baby creepier, if that’s possible.

  Wait, if he’s baby-ing her, this can’t be a new thing. How long has she been seeing this guy? Why didn’t she tell me?

  Well, at least it’s no longer fear that’s causing the knot in my stomach.

  I wake up at 11:00 a.m. and head straight to the kitchen for coffee. Still no Zoë. I can’t believe she didn’t even call. If not for that little message from her Douglas, I’d be comforting her parents at the police station right now.

  I pour some half-and-half into my coffee, sit down at the table and flip through one of Zoë’s wedding magazines. The White Album is playing on my iPod speaker, but it’s not helping my mood today.

  After about twenty minutes, I hear the key turn in the front door lock. Zoë walks in, wearing a rumpled black dress, her hair in a messy bun. She spots me and looks immediately regretful.

  “So, you’re alive,” I say. Passive-aggressive? Check.

  “I’m so sorry, I should have called. The night just got away from me.”

  Wow, she has no intention of telling me. I could play out the whole scenario, ask her how dinner was, catch her in another lie, but I’ll just skip that part.

  “And how was Douglas?” I ask. Yes, still passive-aggressive. I feel like her mother must have felt when Zoë was sixteen.

  Her eyes open wide. Busted.

  “How do you…?”

  “He left a message for you. Lucky he did, or your parents would be combing the hospitals by now.”

  “I’m sorry. I just wasn’t ready to tell you yet.”

  Yet?

  “How long have you been together?”

  “We’ve been friends for a few months. We’ve only recently started dating.”

  “A few months? Are you kidding me? You’ve kept him a secret for a few months? How old is he, anyway?

  “Fifty-eight,” Zoë says.

  I shake my head and exhale loudly. “Your dad is sixty-two.”

  “I know how old my dad is. Why does that matter? Age has nothing to do with it.”

  “Well, if not age, then what? Why have you kept this little relationship hidden?”

  “Because I didn’t want to deal with this.” She waves her hand. “You are so judgmental.”

  “Well, if you hadn’t lied, I’d probably be less judgmental.” A memory flashes. Jeff thought Zoë was cheating on him. “Just out of curiosity, did this friendship begin while you were still with Jeff?”

  Zoë blanches. “We were only friends then.”

  “Oh, Zoë.” It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask if Douglas’s money had anything to do with their friendship, but that’s a line I don’t want to cross.

  “Who I choose to be friends with is none of your business. I’m not going to defend myself to you.”

  “You’re right. I just wish you didn’t feel like you had to lie to me.”

  She takes a seat next to me at the kitchen table. “I know. Don’t be mad. I totally botched this. I was going to tell you next week, I had it all planned. Douglas was going to treat us to a fancy dinner at Lush. Please don’t be mad.”

  I look at Zoë’s plaintive expression and realize I’m not mad anymore. I know I sound like a six-year-old here, but my feelings are really hurt. Why wouldn’t she tell me? I tell her everything. How could she keep this a secret for so long?

  “Okay. I just wish you had been honest.”

  “I know, me too. I just wasn’t ready. No more secrets. I promise. I really like him, Abby. He’s a man, not a boy.”

  A man with a lot of money.

  “So, will you have dinner with us next week?”

  Oh God, I so don’t want to. “Maybe. Work is going to be really crazy.”

  “Well, you just let me know. We can do it spur of the moment, Douglas does have his own restaurant, you know. Five actually.”

  Although I know she’s joking, Zoë’s smile is a bit self-satisfied. My stomach growls loudly, and I give a little chuckle.

  “Ooh, I want to hear all about your first day. Let me get changed and then I’ll whip us up an omelet.”

  Zoë tromps off to her bedroom and I pour myself another cup of coffee. What, Douglas, the amazing restaurateur, couldn’t cook up a little breakfast this morning?

  So maybe I’m still a little mad.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I park my car on a residential street and walk toward the Vista entrance of Runyon Canyon. Today is Sunday, my first day off in a week, and for some insane reason I’ve agreed to spend my few free hours hiking with Stephanie and Nancy. Not a walk. A hike. It’s been a long time since the three of us hung out, so when Nancy told me she’d adopted a dog, it sounded like an opportunity to see the girls and maybe get in a little exercise. What was I thinking?

  Nancy and Stephanie are already here. While Nancy stretches, Stephanie leans against a tree drinking coffee, holding the dog’s leash. She looks slightly pissed off.

  “Hi,” I say as I lean down to pet the dog. He’s a huge, furry thing, chocolate-brown with big brown eyes. “He’s adorable! Is he a he?”

  “Yes. His name is Leopold. Leo for short. I just love him so much. I knew the minute I saw him, he was my dog,” Nancy gushes.

  I stop petting him and he brushes my hand with his paw. Damn he’s cute, but big. “What kind of dog is he?”

  “He’s some kind of a Labradoodle mix.”

  “Leo,” I say as I scratch behind his ears, “I always thought Labradoodles were tiny.” I look over at Stephanie still nursing her coffee. “Well hello, Stephanie.”

  “Hey.”

  “You seem cranky.” I pat Leo’s head and stand.

  “I’m tired. I say we skip the hike and go for breakfast.”

  I’m about to second the idea when I see Nancy’s face. She looks so disappointed. Damn it. “Come on, we could all use the exercise,” I say, trying to sound enthusiastic. “We’ll be done in an hour, then we can go get pancakes.”

  “Yay! You are going to love it. Just being in nature will rejuvenate you. You can’t bring that coffee, Steph.”

  “Why not?” Stephanie asks.

  “You can’t bring coffee on a hike. I have water for us in my pack. That’s all we’ll need. Water and fresh air. Coffee dehydrates you. Throw it out.”

  She picks now to start one of her anti-coffee tirades?

  “Luckily for you, I happen to be almost done.” Stephanie takes a large drink, bending her head backward and tilting the cup up to get every drop. “Ready.”

  “All right. So where are we going, exactly?” I ask as we start walking.

  “It’s going to be so beautiful. We’re going to take the western trail to the top. The views of the city are spectacular. Then we’ll hit Indian Rock on the way back. It will be amazing, I promise you.”

  “Hmm, that sounds like a lot. You know I’m not much of a hiker,” I say doubtfully.

  “You will be after today.”

  “So where’s the parade of hot guys?” Stephanie asks, looking around.

  “Is that why you said yes to this?” I ask.

  �
��Pretty much.”

  “I’m sure we will encounter some attractive men,” Nancy says as we begin climbing uphill, “but that is not why we are here today. We are here for this.” Nancy sweeps her hands toward the mountains. Which, to me, don’t look all that beautiful. An orange haze of smog hangs over the hilltops, making the shrubs and dwarf-sized trees around us appear brown and dead.

  “Just so you know, I’m here for the hot guys,” says Stephanie.

  “I’m not so sure why I’m here,” I pant. We’ve been walking for five minutes and I’m already out of breath.

  “You guys,” Nancy sighs playfully. “So how’s the show, Abby?”

  “It’s okay. Crazy busy. We had our first elimination last night. She kicked off two guys. And that took six hours to shoot.”

  “Who went?” asks Stephanie.

  “One of the new suitors. He apparently had bad breath. And an old crush.” Crap. Didn’t I sign a confidentiality agreement?

  “And how’s Will?” Nancy asks, tripping a bit to keep pace with Leo.

  “Fine. I barely see him, he’s so busy.” Busy fending off advances from Lisa it would seem. “How’s work for you?”

  “Amazing. I am getting the most amazing trade-outs for the show. I just love being able to help people.”

  Nancy’s currently working on a home makeover show. It’s basically her job to get companies to give them stuff for free.

  “How’s Zoë doing?” Nancy asks.

  “Fine. Busy with work.” I don’t really feel like going into the whole Zoë situation right now. “Gym update please,” I say to Stephanie.

  “Eh, it’s slow. I just want to open. But there’s permits and insurance and inspections, it’s such a pain in the ass.”

  “Stephanie, you shouldn’t talk like that,” scolds Nancy.

  “Like what?”

  “You can’t call your new business a pain in the ass. Don’t you see that by saying that, you’re making it a pain in the ass? Your negativity is causing the problem.”