Unscripted

by Natalie Aaron

  I’ve also decided to go a little heavier with the ol’ makeup, applying just the right amount of charcoal liner and shadow to achieve that perfect smoky eyes look.

  I do a quick 360 in my full-length mirror. I hate to admit it, but I feel better. Dare I say it? I look good. I look professional. Maybe even a little sexy? Let Matt have his success. I don’t want to be the kind of person to begrudge anyone happiness, even if he did take my heart and shove it in a blender.

  Several hours later I’m being driven up to the house in the production van. As I attempt to shimmy my way out of the back (my pants are a lot tighter than I remember) the first person I see is Grant standing by the gazebo. I walk over to him with a confident stride.

  “Are you quitting or something?” he asks.

  “What? No! Why?”

  Grant’s brow furrows as he gives me the once-over. “You look like you’re about to go on an interview.”

  I stick my nose in the air. “Well, you look like a schmuck.”

  Grant smiles. “Seriously, what’s with the clothes? This is production. You can come in sweats and nobody would give a shit. Hell, you do come in sweats!”

  This is not the response I was hoping for, especially from Grant. He’s seen me at my worst, which is pretty much every day since we first met. I don’t think I’ve ever worn a pair of heels in his presence, and I’ve definitely never sported anything nearly as nice as cashmere. I obviously look like I’m trying too hard. I should have just done the heels with the makeup. Or the shrug and pants with my Pumas. This is embarrassing.

  “Uhh, I have plans after work,” I lie.

  “Why didn’t you just bring a change of clothes?”

  Shit.

  “Because, I just want to tear out of here afterwards.”

  “Ahhh, I get it. Booty call at midnight. Classy.” I give Grant the finger. He starts to laugh. “All I’m saying is, you look like you’re going to be uncomfortable tonight.”

  “I’ll be fine. These shoes are very comfortable. Thanks for the concern, Dad.”

  “You’re just lucky Tom is back in edit. Otherwise, it’d be sexual harassment city.”

  I start to push him away and he straightens up. “Okay, okay. The guys are going to start doing their pre-elimination interviews inside, so you should go in and ask Will where he wants you.”

  “Okay,” I say.

  “And, just so you know, the network watched the dailies from the first elimination last week and they want us to amp up the drama.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Grant leans a little closer, although no one is around to hear him. “We need to make a meal of it when Katie’s picking who stays and who goes. So Lisa’s teaching the guys how to emote.”

  “Happy, sad, worried, mad?”

  “Pretty much. I’m sure half of these dudes are wannabe actors anyway, so this shit is right up their alley.”

  Wow. I’m the first one who will tell any of my friends that “reality” isn’t reality, but this should be interesting. “That’s pretty damn funny. I’m going to head in, see you later.”

  “Okay, hot pants.” Grant lets out a wolf whistle as I walk away.

  “Hey, stop that.”

  He laughs and waves goodbye.

  As I head toward the house I notice a slight tightness where the tip of the leather strap touches my toes. I don’t remember it doing that before. It’s not a scary I’m-going-to-get-blisters kind of feeling. It’s more like my feet are a little swollen because it’s warm outside. But it’s not a big deal. It’ll get cooler; these shoes are leather, and leather stretches. I’ll be fine. I am slightly concerned, however, about the distance between the gazebo (which is where all of the eliminations take place) and the house. I never realized how far away the two are from each other. I guess I never felt the distance before in my flat, rubber soles.

  Inside, I find Christine standing by the stairs. She’s wearing black Juicy Couture terrycloth pants with an elastic waist, a matching hoodie and a pair of camouflage-colored Converse. She looks comfortable. I adjust the waist of my own pants with a tug so that the button isn’t digging into the same spot as before.

  “Hey. You look so dressed up and pretty. Why?” she asks sweetly.

  Stupid dumb shoes and lame tight pants.

  “I have a thing to go to after work.”

  “Where?”

  Bah!

  “Oh, um, my roommate Zoë’s boyfriend is just having a little after-hours party at his restaurant, Lush, so I told them I’d stop by.” Hopefully that sounds convincing enough.

  “Wow, Lush. Nice.” She nods.

  “Yeah, and uh, it’s kind of fancy there and everything, so you know, I just figured it would be easier to put this on at home, rather than try and find a place to change here. Because you know what the bathrooms are like, and stuff, and you know, it would just be easier and everything.” Leave it be! “So that’s why…” My voice trails off.

  “Good point,” she says. “Anyway, we should peek our heads into the living room. Lisa’s instructing the guys on how to be more dramatic during the elimination tonight. I guess the network said they all looked bored or something during the last one.”

  I tell her Grant already gave me the low-down, but follow her toward the living room to check it out.

  The remaining nine guys are all sitting on scattered plush leather couches in the middle of the room while Lisa holds court. Since I can’t get too close to the action, I can only hear snippets of her lecture from the doorway. To several of the guys it sounds like she’s telling them to look stunned. To emphasize her point, she feigns a look of shock, furrowing her brows and opening her mouth to form a small “oh.”

  I turn to Christine. “Come on.”

  “It’s what the network said they wanted,” she whispers.

  “This is just silly.” I turn back to the living room but the meeting has been adjourned. Lisa picks up her clipboard and heads our way.

  “Hello, ladies,” Lisa says. “You both well rested?”

  “Hi, Lisa,” Christine chirps. “Thanks again for letting us take yesterday off.”

  Ach. Christine is too nice.

  “No problem. I’ve never subscribed to the rule of letting my people work more than fourteen hours without some kind of break in between,” she says, looking straight at me.

  It was sixteen hours, but why split hairs?

  Lisa’s eyes do a slow roll from my shoes to my face. “So.” She pauses. “What’s the occasion?”

  “I have a little party after work.”

  “Really? We’re probably going to be here at least until midnight.” Her tone is scolding.

  “Oh, that’s fine. The party isn’t even starting until 1:00 a.m. It’s at Lush,” I say breezily.

  “They have to wait until all the patrons leave before the guests arrive.” Damn, I’m getting good at this.

  Lisa’s eyes flicker. She probably doesn’t think I have a social life. Well, this should prove her wrong, even if it’s a fake social life.

  “Sounds like fun,” she condescends. “Anyway, I need you to go upstairs and tell Katie that we’re going to be doing her interview in about a half an hour.”

  “Okay,” I say, glancing up behind me at the set of long, marble stairs.

  “And then come and find me afterwards. I’ll be in the production office.”

  “Got it,” I reply.

  After she leaves, Christine tells me she’ll check with the other producer teams to see if they need help with anything.

  As I make my way up the stairs, I start to realize that these shoes are not only beginning to rub off a layer of skin attached to my toes but the bottoms are beginning to chafe, as well. Still, it’s not life threatening. If I can manage to stay in one place for a while, I’ll be okay.

  As the makeup artist puts the finishing touches on Katie’s lips, I give her the message and make my way back downstairs.

  After searching for Lisa in the production office, the
living room, the dining room, kitchen, garage, back of the house and catering truck, I finally spot her in the distance by the gazebo chatting with Will. Rohhh the gazebo! Now my feet are really hurting and I’ve only been here for a half an hour. I’m in so much trouble it’s not even funny. I’m tempted to just give her a shout on the walkie but I’m sure that would piss her off.

  Hobbling out in the heat I can’t help wondering why I thought this outfit was a good idea. My pants have pressed into my stomach so hard that I’ve been branded with a permanently new belly button; I’m sweating so much from this cashmere that I’m sure I look like I’ve just done the Iron Man marathon; and to top it off, I have several bloody toes, and no skin left on the balls of my feet. I reach the gazebo, walk up four steps and wince. Will turns to look at me first.

  “Hi.”

  “Hey,” I say, fighting back the pain.

  “Everything okay?”

  I wipe the sweat off the back of my neck. “Everything is fine.”

  “Thanks for finding me, Abby,” Lisa says through a fake smile. “But I cannot for the life of me remember what else I needed from you. So you can just go back to the house and see if there are any interviews left to do.”

  “No problem,” I respond through gritted teeth. I look back toward the house and decide that it’s just too much. I slip off my wedges, put them in one hand and start the trek back.

  Halfway into my hike, I hear a “Hey,” and turn around to find Will walking briskly toward me. “What’s wrong with your shoes?”

  I look down at the weapons of mass destruction in my hand and sigh. “They’re not really working out.”

  Will chuckles softly. “What size are you?”

  “I’m not telling you my shoe size,” I say, surprised by my flirtatious tone. Dressing up is turning out to be quite dangerous.

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s mortifying!”

  “Come on, just tell me.”

  I stop walking, turn to look at him and cover my mouth. “Ten,” I mumble.

  Will laughs. “Christ. I’m standing next to Sasquatch.”

  I laugh as well and notice a slight tingling feeling in my cheeks and stomach.

  “Okay, let’s see if Katie has anything you can borrow for tonight, and if not, I can send out a PA to buy a pair of comfortable shoes or something.”

  Without thinking, I touch his shoulder, but then draw my hand back quickly. “Thanks so much.”

  “No problem, let’s go check with her.”

  I steal another look at Will’s face as we head inside the house. He didn’t shave today, and it looks as though it’s been a while since his last haircut, but he looks adorable. His soft, almost Bambi-like eyes are in sharp contrast with the rest of his angled and rugged features. I can see why Lisa likes him.

  Thank God Katie had a pair of flip-flops I could borrow. She’s a size nine, but these fit just fine. Anything is better than those medieval contraptions. How do women wear heels? I just don’t get it.

  It’s also gotten a lot cooler, thanks to the sun slowly dipping below the horizon. We’re all just waiting now for it to get dark so that we can start filming.

  The remaining nine guys are standing in a semi-circle under the well-lit gazebo. They’re actually being very courteous to Lisa even though she’s repeating the exact same thing she told them a few hours earlier in the living room.

  “So, every time Katie pauses before she makes her choice, I want you all to give me the best dramatic looks you’ve got. Same goes for when she picks each guy. I want you to look like you’re freaking out that you’re not going to get picked. Because you never know, you may not. There’s a lot at stake for you tonight.” Lisa turns to Thick-Necked Joe, who is looking even stockier than usual in his brown suit and tie. “Joe, remember, I want you to look pissed-off every time Katie picks another name and it’s not yours.”

  “Does that mean she’s not going to pick me?” he asks.

  “No, that’s not what I said. I told you before, I have no idea who she’s going to pick or not pick. Whatever the case, if you want face time, you have to give the audience a performance.”

  Joe then flashes Lisa a cheesy grin. “How’s this?” And with that, he squints and snarls.

  “Fine.” She then looks at Eric, Katie’s childhood crush and our resident all-American Bible-thumper. “Eric, before Katie comes out I want you to turn to Ryan and tell him exactly what you said to me earlier.”

  “That God told me in a dream that Katie and I will be together?” he asks in his twangy southern accent.

  Lisa nods her head. “That’s it. And Ryan,” she says, her voice taking on a sweeter tone, “just smile the whole time. Look confident.”

  “I am confident,” he says calmly.

  “Good. Okay, we’re going to get started in a sec. Hold your places so we can film a few reaction shots while you wait for Katie.”

  I turn around to survey the area. The sun has just about dropped out of sight, and all of the little twinkley lights make the gazebo look like something out of a fairytale. Too bad it’s a bunch of frogs standing up there.

  Will is standing behind Grant, looking into a camera monitor. Before I can turn away he raises his head, looks at me and smiles. Unnerved, all I can do is point to my feet and mouth, “Thanks again.” He nods his head and bends back down to look into the monitor.

  “Quiet on the set! Speeding,” shouts Grant. Everyone falls silent as Katie and the show’s host, Stone, make their way up the gazebo stairs.

  Stone walks toward the guys first. He’s wearing a sleek gray suit minus the tie and his frosted blond hair is styled in a subtle faux-hawk. He’s very short, very tan, and his teeth are blindingly white. I’m not sure why they hired a comedian, because a robot could deliver his stilted, lifeless dialogue. “Good evening, gentlemen,” he says with his arms extended. “Welcome to the second official elimination. After yesterday’s emergency vote-off, we are down to just nine suitors. Tonight, in one of our most dramatic ceremonies yet, we’ll find out if you could be Katie’s next boyfriend. Or,” he says, pausing dramatically, “if you will be her Ex’d boyfriend.”

  Cheesiest line ever.

  Stone picks up a red velvet, heart-shaped pillow from the table and holds it up for the guys to see. One side of the pillow is scattered with tiny red heart pins, the other side holds a pin with a red X the size of a dollar bill.

  “This pillow represents your life on the show. There are only eight pins left. So someone is going home tonight. Katie, it’s time to begin the ceremony.”

  Katie removes a heart pin from the pillow and holds it in her hand. She scans the guys, who are doing their best to look nervous. Thick-Necked Joe looks like he’s about to stroke out. Ryan is the only one smiling.

  “Before we begin, I just want to say I love you all and that I’ve learned so much from each of you,” Katie says, looking quite contrite. “This is really difficult.”

  More pausing. Jesus, just do it. It’s the first pin for God’s sake. This is going to take forever.

  “The first suitor I’m going to call is…” Katie bites her lip and looks around.

  Ryan. It’s Ryan. Just say it.

  “Lee.”

  Ooh. Burn. I look at Ryan. His smile cracks a bit. He definitely expected to be called first. Looks like Katie finally listened to Lisa and Will.

  Lee the Shitter steps around Ryan with a cocky swagger and walks up to Katie.

  “Lee, will you take my heart?” Katie asks as she pins his lapel.

  “I’d love to.” Lee kisses her on the cheek and struts back to the guys.

  Ryan grows increasingly agitated as Katie pins five more guys. He doesn’t look worried; he looks pissed.

  She frets over each pin as if it’s her last. I know we’re giving the editor lots of options, but it’s agonizingly boring to watch live. I’ll be lucky if I make it out of here by 1:00 a.m. for my nonexistent party.

  Four hundred years later, Katie finall
y gives Ryan the seventh pin. Surprisingly, he’s the only one who doesn’t kiss her cheek. She looks a little stung as he walks back to the guys.

  Stone steps forward. “Katie only has one more heart to give. Will Eric and Joe step forward please? One of you will be Ex’d tonight.”

  Thick-Necked Joe and Eric look genuinely nervous as Katie removes the final heart pin. “You both mean so much to me,” Katie says as she wipes a tear away. “Eric, when we were eight, I thought the sun sprang from your smile…”

  Oh Lord.

  “And, Joe, you were my first college boyfriend. We had so many good times together…”

  Hmm. Less boyfriend, more one-night stand from what I’ve heard.

  Katie takes a big sigh and looks down at the pin. I have no idea if she’s faking it. If she is, she should be an actress.

  “Joe? Will you take my heart?”

  Eric straightens his shoulders as Katie pins Joe. His face is contorting wildly. I think he’s about to cry.

  “Eric. I’m sorry. You have been Ex’d.” Stone removes the X pin from the pillow and pins it on Eric.

  As Katie gives Eric a hug he starts to weep. Some of the guys are snickering. Eric was not the most popular housemate. One of the producers leads him off the gazebo and into the house where they’ll tape his goodbye message to Katie.

  Meanwhile, the guys are standing around the gazebo laughing and vying for Katie’s attention. At this point, we would usually hand out champagne, but unfortunately, we’re not done yet.

  None of them notice as a producer pins a new X on the heart pillow and hands it back to Stone.

  Stone clears his throat. “Gentlemen, I’m going to ask you to stand over there once more. I’m afraid we’re not done yet.” Everyone looks shocked as they take their places. They clearly thought they were home free. With a puzzled expression, Katie returns to Stone’s side.

  “Did you assume that Frank’s departure last night meant only one suitor would be eliminated tonight? Well, by now you should realize that you can’t make assumptions on Second Time Around. One of you will surrender Katie’s heart and become Katie’s Ex’d boyfriend. Right now. Katie, please choose two suitors. One of them will be going home.”