Lay Saints

by Adam Connell

  “You’re a degenerate liar. Everyone says that behind your back.”

  “Am I lying?”

  Kink lowered his defenses and Lundin could sense that it was no lie.

  “Guy imposes conversation on me at this dance hall. A straight club, too. Closed years ago, drugs and such. The Limelight, used to be some church.”

  “I remember it,” Lundin said.

  “I was just a little bit hammered, a little horny. And I had always been curious, you closed your eyes, could you tell a man’s mouth different from a woman’s.”

  “Could you?”

  “I couldn’t, and that got me angry,” Kink said. “I stayed the night anyway, to prove true or false other theories I’d had. When I left, on the way out I made him remember it that I was a woman. Don’t know why I did that.”

  “Yes you do. That the only one?”

  “I guess we do have something in common,” Kink said.

  “I’d say mostly that’s all,” Lundin said.

  A squad car pulled up and parked directly beside them, blocking all traffic on the two-lane street. The patrol car had its gumballs going. The passenger-side cop rolled his window down.

  “You fellas cannot park here. Morons.” He started opening his door when Lundin calmly said, “Can’t open that door and get out at the same time. You’re parked too close, Officer.”

  “Thirty seconds before this becomes a incident,” the cop said.

  “We’re waiting on a friend,” Kink said.

  “Boys, I got buses and diplomatic plates jammed up behind us. Wait on some other block it’s legal. You’re in a bus lane, a crosswalk, and way too close to the UN. That’s what we call a trifecta.”

  “Get him moved,” the cop at the steering wheel yelled.

  “Have your friend call,” the cop said, “then you swing around, you pick him up. Look, every second passes, more trouble you’re in.” He was leaning out of his window up to his belt.

  “Your name is?” Lundin said.

  “Asshole, move that fucking antique.”

  “Your name is?” Lundin said again.

  “My name is Call Headquarters, and we put five cruisers behind you and push your car — which I like and would hate to see ruined — you don’t move right now.”

  “Tell you what,” Lundin said.

  The cop was speaking into the walky-talky on his shoulder.

  “Now you tell them, you cancel that fucking, whatever you told them,” Lundin said. Casually.

  Lundin said, “We’re diplomatic plates, we broke down, waiting on the tow.”

  It was hard for the two men to hear each other over the honking.

  “Now you go on your way,” Lundin said. Casually.

  “And you make it explicit,” Lundin said, “no more blue-and-whites come bother us.”

  The cop car rolled away. Traffic reluctantly merged into the open lane.

  Kink said, “Why do we think this Congressman — ”

  “Council Member,” Lundin said. “Vianney. Because of Faraday and the doctor’s second visit, we missed Vianney at his S.I. office.”

  “How do we know he’s coming out the UN?” Kink said.

  “I’ve got his itinerary.”

  “You surprised Faraday got pummeled so bad?” Kink sucked on something caught between his teeth, had been off and on since breakfast.

  “Don’t you have a toothpick?” Lundin said.

  “It’ll come out.”

  “Not on its own. Use a fingernail.”

  “I don’t put my hands in my mouth,” Kink said. “Faraday really got himself a beating.”

  “I’m surprised someone was elaborate enough to do it,” Lundin said. “Set a trap like that. A trap is deliberate. Yeah, it was a shock to me.”

  “More than a shock. He’s got enemies.”

  “I’ve got enemies,” Lundin said. “You’ve made them, too. But they’re not the kind that can do much. Who’s afraid of hacks?”

  “I’m sorry, but you’re not Faraday. His enemies are a different sort. Able to wait a long time before getting revenge.”

  “I could have enemies just as malicious.”

  “You could,” Kink said. “I thought Faraday would’ve fought back.”

  “How do you know he didn’t?” Lundin said. “You weren’t in the alley.”

  “See his hands? No cuts or scrapes. He’s using them this afternoon, I saw, it’s, when, like they don’t hurt at all. He didn’t land one hit.”

  “That can’t be true,” Lundin said. “Faraday’s a fighter.”

  “Faraday was a fighter. I’m just reading his body and it says our Faraday was too slow to do anything.”

  “Then you’re illiterate.”

  “The old Faraday,” Kink said, curious if he’d get a nibble, “he never would’ve had to be carried out of the alley without a casualty. Dowd found him alone.”

  Lundin started another Stradbroke.

  “How long you been with Faraday? Twenny years, right?”

  “Nineteen,” Lundin said.

  “Here I am, two years only, your superior.”

  “I could be yours,” Lundin said, “but I never asked for advancement. I like being the foot soldier. I get out, I get the interesting jobs, me and Briggs. Plus I’m glad, won’t be me the one takes a road trip with Faraday and Big Sir.”

  “Nineteen years,” Kink said.

  “You weren’t his only lieutenant,” Lundin said. “Big Sir was before you, and better.”

  Thank you kindly, Lundin.

  “You’re wrong about hacks,” Kink said. “They make for good enemies, they can still knock you around an alley you’re not paying attention.”

  “So you’re saying it was hacks,” Lundin said.

  “I’m not saying anything.”

  “You aren’t?”

  “What I’m saying is,” Kink said, “people lose faith in him, what are we gonna do? You and me.”

  “Who’s lost faith in him?”

  “They have. They’ve been for a little while now. The Nine work for Faraday that you’ve never met them.”

  “The Nine? Fuck them. Faraday was suckered, that’s the alpha and omega of the whole affair.”

  “And let’s say he’s gone, he leaves, Emmie cries him into retirement. You haven’t seen her lately. This afternoon. The waterworks, Jesus, the drama.”

  “Gave me a charter to grow a team,” Lundin said. “I’ve started, and I like it. I’m gonna be reckoned with, tell you that.”

  “Letting you what?”

  “Find some people for me to lead. If he and Emmie left, I’d continue with this. Scout a strong group of guys. Girls. Girls, too, if they’re around. He can leave, Emmie makes him.”

  “You wouldn’t stay,” Kink said.

  “Who could possibly take over?” Lundin said.

  Kink, who was used to hiding his fury from Faraday, hid it well.

  “Gonna take Briggs with you, I suppose,” he said.

  “I’m a little uneasy saying any more,” Lundin said. “This is between me and Faraday.”

  “Today I am Faraday, and the old Faraday,” Kink said. “He gave me permission to run things today. Into next week I’ll have permission, you didn’t see the state he was in.” He coughed at the dark smoke from Lundin’s foreign cigarette. “If you’re gonna smoke — and I can see you’re gonna keep at it to annoy me — can’t you blow it out the fucking window?”

  “I have been.”

  Lie.

  “It’s the wind’s blowing it back.”

  Compounded lie.

  “Goddam smokers. Anyway, Briggs, I never understood why it was he’s with us. Look, I haven’t asked before, but now that our group seems so much smaller.”

  “I’m tired of defending him lately,” Lundin said. He was smoking harder now, angrily.

  “So he’s been in need of defending,” Kink said. “That right there says plenty.”

  Lundin blew smoke at Kink. “He knows he’s not like us.”
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  “He knows what we are. Obviously. But what is it he’s so good at doing? Shouldn’t we rather have more of our own?”

  “One, I’ll give you one thing. He’s not jaded. He’s done about everything a human being can do to another. Bloody stuff. You want a catalogue, go to him.”

  “I think I’d like that,” Kink said.

  “His being accustomed or the catalogue?”

  “I enjoy jaded,” Kink said. “But I’d like that catalogue.”

  “There’s days I can’t get out of bed. He gets out of bed, every day. That’s what he’s good at doing, getting out of bed for this.”

  “He doesn’t look so mean with that religious collar on. Where in hell did Faraday dig him up?”

  “I dug him up. Day’s work, a contract, for a church in Chinatown. Church of the Transfiguration, Mott Street.”

  “You a Catholic?” Kink said.

  “I’m Black, that’s my religion,” Lundin said.

  “What’d they need?”

  “Money to reach some goal for renovations. Plus parishioners, they’re dwindling.”

  “Probably why they had no money tithed.”

  “We go around the neighborhood, he’s my guide. And slowly — too slowly because Briggs can be like that, I’ll admit — he sees what I’m doing. Changing people’s minds, they’re getting the screws out of their wallets. A lot of big checks were written that day.”

  “I bet.”

  “During the day, I see we’re being followed. Briggs didn’t, but I saw it. This guy, Chinese, he knocks me down — ”

  “Because you’re a big strapping man — ”

  “And before his hands’re in my pocket, Briggs grabs him by both shoulders, like some backhoe descending, throws him into a wall. Then starts beating on him.”

  “How very Christian,” Kink said. “So you tell Briggs about us.”

  “Over dinner at Wo Hops. First I framed it like a joke, see if he laughs. Only Briggs is crossing himself so many times I’m thinking he’s got like religious Tourette’s. Was afraid he’d drag me back to Transfiguration, drown me in their fancy sink of holy water.”

  Kink opened the glove compartment, sorted through Lundin’s things.

  Lundin said, “Then I get it out of him. Being stuck in church all day, there isn’t tangible proof for him God really exists. But that day, outside with me — We’ve done work for them, The Church. It’s not all that appalling. They have faith in miracles, and we perform little ones, don’t we?”

  “I wouldn’t call them miracles,” Kink said. “What we do goes against God. Spent many a night debating over this. What we have’s not God-given.”

  “Don’t tell that to Briggs. Got along very well over that dinner. Found out we hated a lot of the same things. Been together every day since.”

  Had either Kink or Lundin been as educated as me, someone would have commented that Briggs was Lundin’s James Boswell. Not as biographer, but a witness.

  “Every day?” Kink said.

  “Minus vacations. I’m partial to Mancun, Briggs likes Rome. When the Pope died, they had that conclave, Briggs flew over there and stuck around for the entire thing. He’s no fan of Germans, but whathaveyou.”

  “The fool, your Chinese thief, he was gonna cash checks made out to The Church of the Whatsis?”

  “Transfiguration,” Lundin said. “Some made them out to Cash. One deluded soul, I must’ve leaned too hard on her, she makes hers out to God.”

  “How many years ago was this?” Kink said.

  “Three,” Lundin said. “Faraday told me Briggs would need his blessing, but must’ve forgot, it never came, and Briggs stuck.”

  “A priest needing someone’s blessing,” Kink said, “how novel.”

  “The Church, though,” Lundin said, “that’s where Faraday’s business is weakest. They could use us a lot more. We reconnect, that’s what needs to be done. Briggs can help there.”

  Kink had a figurine in his hand from the glove compartment. It looked like a kneeling bull, but somehow human. He held it towards Lundin with one eye squinched in bewilderment.

  “A Minotaur,” Lundin said. “It’s my favorite myth.”

  “What are we doing later? Faraday said you had the agenda.”

  “Visit the dancers at that new club, then we close it down. Filch the girls worth filching.”

  “How long have we been sitting here?” Kink said. “My ass and this seat are not getting along. What time’s his meeting end?”

  “Supposed to at six-thirty.” He pointed in the direction of the UN. “One big useless conference room. They should tear it down just out of honesty.”

  “Politics doesn’t concern me,” Kink said, fascinated with the Minotaur. “Let it stand.”

  There was another silence, this one warm and tacitly welcomed.

  Kink picked his nose.

  “You,” Lundin said, “are not wiping that anywhere on the interior of this car.”

  “Relax, I came up empty,” Kink said.

  Aaaannnndddd another silence, Fish.

  Twenty minutes later, a meeting at the UN must have broken up because a great colorful crowd came shuffling towards the street.

  “I see him,” Lundin said, and they were both immediately out of the car. They cut Council Member Vianney from the herd and aimed him into the back of the Coronet.

  “I have work to finish in my office, I have my own car.”

  Lundin and Kink sandwiched him in the backseat.

  “We work for Faraday,” Lundin said. “From Tattletail?”

  “I remember you. Goodness, is that woman all right? The man’s wife?”

  “You didn’t care enough to stay behind and see,” Kink said.

  “I cannot be caught in a place like that, a man of my rank.”

  “Faraday was gonna talk to you, at length, about Int 3001,” Lundin said.

  “And I, in brief, told him I haven’t made up my mind. What’s it his concern?”

  “Why haven’t you made up your mind?” Lundin said.

  “Why would I tell you? What am I doing in this car?”

  “Why haven’t you decided?” Lundin said. Eagerly.

  “I’m waiting to see how Adelard’s going to vote,” Council Member Vianney said. “I’ll vote his way to win support. People trust his decisions on everything, why he’s Council Speaker. I’d like to be Council Speaker.”

  “You’re going to vote against it,” Lundin said. “Because of Faraday. There’s a lot of people trust his views as well.”

  “Who is this Faraday? I met him once. I’ll vote how I want.”

  “Go blind,” Kink said. Stridently.

  “Can’t see,” Vianney said softly. “Did you give me some drug?” Softly. “I can’t see a goddam thing. What did you do?”

  “Kink, what the fuck did you do?”

  “It’s my trademark,” Kink said. “I detest the bother of all this back-and-forth. This my getting out of bed.”

  “He would have fallen SOP,” Lundin said.

  “Well this is my SOP.”

  “Standard for what?” the Council Member yelled. The softness was replaced with hysteria. “Why can’t I see? What does Faraday want?”

  “Congressman,” Kink said, “take ten deep breaths. Deeper than that. Calm down. This Int 3001, you’ll vote Nay. I’ll give your sight back, you give me your word.”

  “I hope you can reverse this,” Lundin said.

  “Yea or Nay,” Kink said.

  “Nay, Nay,” Council Member Vianney said.

  “Go up front and drive,” Kink told Lundin. “People are staring. We’ll drop him off at his home.”

  Lundin got behind the wheel, joined the heavy traffic he’d created.

  Kink stroked the politician’s arm who was too tyrannized to recoil. “You’ll be fine,” Kink said. “But you will not look back on this like some odd dream. You’ll know this happened. And you’ll vote our way.”

  “I said I would. Please don’t touch me.
”

  “In about two hours, the blindness will go.” Kink moved up the man’s arm to his shoulder, massaged him there. “Cause I can come back and do this to you whenever I want. You have a family? You’ve a family. Staten Island.” He removed his hand. “Keep this in mind casting your ballot.”

  “Neither of us will forget,” Lundin said.

  back to top

  FORTY-SIX

  Friday, late Vespers

  “What d’you think of Faraday?” Kink said.

  “Of Faraday what?” Briggs said.

  “How he took a beating, and how he didn’t take it well,” Kink said.

  “Enough, Kink,” Lundin said.

  “It still Friday that you can call me that?”

  “We had an agreement.” Lundin smiled. “Kink.”

  “Getting dark, what is it, eight?” Kink said. “Enjoy it four more hours.”

  The people on the sidewalk were moving out of the trio’s way because it was evident by their pace and bearing that Lundin, Briggs, and Kink were in too much of a hurry to be polite.

  “It was our boss,” Kink said. “I’m entitled to know what Briggs makes of it. If he agrees that maybe Faraday’s barking orders out past his prime — ”

  “He’ll mend,” Lundin said. “We all know he’s above what happened.” He was sharing a Stradbroke with Briggs. Briggs never smoked a cigarette by himself, it made him feel like a smoker, he’d much rather share and feel healthy. Kind of like Faraday that way, but only in that way.

  They were on the Upper West Side, not far from Tattletail, walking towards the new club.

  “What I’m more interested in, tell me about The Nine,” Lundin said.

  “You two haven’t met them for a reason,” Kink said. “If Faraday’s been keeping them from you — and he has from all of you — I’m not gonna go against that. Only he and I deal with them.”

  “And Big Sir,” Lundin said.

  Thank you for remembering me, friend.

  “What do they do that we can’t?” Briggs said.

  “That you can’t, Briggs,” Kink said.

  “Okay, what Lundin and Hoone can’t. You know what I was asking.”

  “And I told you I can’t answer. What we, Lundin and Hoone and myself, what we do but bigger, that’s all I’ll say. Complex assignments that would require nine people simultaneously. We should’ve taken a cab. Where is this place?”