Gigolo Girl

by Layce Gardner

  “Why do you think we eat Vietnamese food all the time?”

  “I thought you said it was Chinese.”

  “She’s not going to hurt us. She just doesn’t like it when anyone else does her job. She’s afraid of being downsized,” Desiree explained.

  “Downsized?”

  “Why do you think I always leave my dirty clothes on the floor and I never pick up after myself? It’s job security for Qui. She’s supporting her entire family back in Vietnam. If I didn’t pay her, a whole family would starve to death. Now let go of the mop before Qui snaps it in half and shanks you through your windpipe with the pointy end.”

  Mildred slowly let go. “I was going to mop the kitchen floor. I need to earn my keep, too.”

  Qui made happy chirping noises and began to furiously mop the floor. Desiree took Mildred by the elbow and led her into the living room. She positioned Mildred in front of the chair. “Sit, and let me explain the situation.”

  Mildred obeyed. Desiree wrapped her bathrobe’s sash around her middle and sat across from Mildred. Qui brought them coffee on a tray. She poured milk into Desiree’s coffee and handed her the cup. She only glared at Mildred. Desiree thanked her and Qui left the room.

  Desiree began her lecture. “Mildred, I like having you here. I enjoy your company. I am paying back the universe for my good fortune by helping you. Some day you will do the same by helping some client overcome their sexual repression or by making them feel attractive and wanted, or by just fucking the shit out of someone who needs it. Okay?”

  “Okay, but…”

  “No buts. You can pay me back for your start-up costs. I know that’s probably how you were brought up and I understand that, but you can’t do any cleaning or Qui will slit your throat while you sleep. She has a nasty temper and a terrible streak of vengeance. I try to never make her mad.”

  “You’re afraid of your cleaning lady?”

  “Let’s just say that allowing Qui to do her job is in everyone’s best interests.”

  “You want me to apologize? I could buy her a new mop or something.”

  “That’s not a good idea either. She’d think you didn’t approve of her choice of cleaning equipment,” Desiree said.

  “Geez, talk about prickly.” Mildred poured herself a cup of coffee.

  “I have an idea,” Desiree said, standing. She walked out of the room. Mildred heard the hall closet door open and close. Desiree returned with a small box in her hands.

  “Why are you walking so funny?” Mildred asked.

  “My vagina is a bit sore. Hazard of the job.” Desiree placed the box in Mildred’s hands.

  “What’s this?” Mildred said, examining the small wooden box.

  “It’s a peace offering for you to give Qui. I was saving it for her birthday, but you giving it to her now may be a better idea.”

  Mildred opened the box and found a small jade turtle nestled inside red tissue paper. “Oh, isn’t that the prettiest little thing? Does Qui collect turtles or something?”

  “Qui means turtle in Vietnamese. It is her nickname given to her by her grandmother.”

  Mildred daintily kissed the jade turtle on the nose and smiled. “You think this will make her like me?”

  “One way to find out.”

  Desiree called Qui into the living room. Qui stood at attention with the mop over her shoulder like it was a rifle. “Just hand her the gift and bow your head,” Desiree said to Mildred.

  Mildred placed the turtle into Qui’s hand and bowed her head, saying, “I’m sorry, Qui. Please accept this gift.”

  Qui glared at Mildred and held out her other hand.

  “What’s she want? I gave her the turtle,” Mildred asked.

  “Give her the box too. She likes boxes,” Desiree instructed.

  Mildred quickly placed the box in Qui’s other hand. Qui took both the turtle and the box. She bowed her head too.

  “Apology accepted,” Desiree said.

  Qui left but not before giving Mildred a hard stare.

  “Sort of,” Desiree amended. “It might take her a few days, but she’ll get used to you.”

  “I’ll be sure to keep out of her way.” Mildred sat back down and sipped her coffee.

  “So what do you say we go to the gym?”

  “You sure your sore vagina can take it?”

  Desiree laughed. “I’m sure. And after we work out, I want us to have a meeting with Honey Belle.”

  “A meeting?” Mildred looked worried.

  “I want to set you up with a client but I’ve got to clear it with Honey Belle first.”

  “Do you really think I’m ready?”

  “We have to find out sometime, right? Might as well be tonight.”

  Mildred gulped. A bunch of butterflies swirled in her stomach. “Okie dokie,” she said, nervously.

  Girl Talk

  “Thanks for meeting us here, girls. I need some feedback and suggestions from everybody,” Desiree said. “About who should be Mildred’s first client.” She and Mildred were at the gym with Velvet Thrust, Candy Sweet, and Fessa. Mildred was doing stomach crunches while Desiree held down her feet.

  “Since when do you ask for our advice?” Velvet Thrust grunted. Candy Sweet spotted Velvet Thrust as she did squats with a hundred-pound bar across her shoulders. Her quads quivered violently with each rise.

  Mildred involuntarily shivered at the sight of those powerful quads. She didn’t understand the attraction of Velvet Thrust’s muscles. One wrong move and those thighs could snap your neck like a wishbone.

  Fessa said to Desiree, “Don’t listen to ol’ grumpy pants over there.” She nodded in Velvet Thrust’s direction while she stretched her hamstrings. “Her back end is still sore from last night’s acrobatics.”

  Mildred winced and tried not to stare at Velvet Thrust’s butt. As part of her education, Desiree had shown her a website with all sorts of toys. Butt plugs were one of the website’s staff choices. They even had the kind of plug that had long strands of hair attached to it. When you put it where it was meant to go, it looked as if you had a long horse’s tail. Her butt reflexively puckered at the thought of it.

  “I’m putting the kibosh on that,” Velvet Thrust said. “I thought I’d give it a try but what happened last night would not be approved by OSHA, I can tell you that.” She thumped down the barbell.

  Candy Sweet climbed on a nearby elliptical machine, saying, “Safety rule number twenty-three: Vegetables are not toys.”

  “You can say that again,” Velvet Thrust chimed.

  “I think Mildred should go with an anti-toy person at first,” Fessa said. She grinned at Velvet Thrust with an I-told-you-so look. “It’s not like I didn’t warn you about that woman. She put me in that sex swing and if I hadn’t puked from motion sickness my lady parts would have been damaged beyond repair.”

  “I pride myself on being an adventuress, but I do think that woman should be put on the Do Not Call list,” Velvet Thrust added.

  “Boy, somebody should write that down on the calendar,” Candy Sweet said. She was a blonde today and bore a striking likeness to Beyonce. She was dressed in a black leotard with leopard skin tights, and carried a hot pink work out towel draped around her neck.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Velvet Thrust said, curling a free weight, her biceps bulging.

  “You and Fessa actually agreeing on something,” Candy Sweet replied.

  Desiree gave Mildred a hand getting to her feet. They climbed on the stationary bikes and began to peddle. “C’mon, Candy, help us out here. We need a good starter client for Mildred. I don’t want her getting damaged, emotionally or physically, her first time out,” Desiree said.

  Fessa finished her stretching and joined them on the bikes. “I’d go with one of the new LBD clients.”

  “Boring,” Velvet Thrust said.

  “That’s the point,” Fessa said.

  “Fessa’s right. They’re so out of practice that a look here, a lick the
re and they’re done,” Candy Sweet said. “No real way to screw them up.”

  Famous last words.

  *

  An hour later they were all in modest one-piece bathing suits and gathered in the hot tub, soaking their sore muscles. Mildred giggled to herself. It was like they were in a big pot of hot water and making girl soup.

  “The more I think about it, the more I tend to agree. Mildred’s first client should be LBD,” Desiree said.

  “What’s LBD?” Mildred asked.

  “Lesbian Bed Death,” Desiree explained.

  “Someone died while having sex?” Mildred asked, thinking perhaps a heart attack or a brain aneurism. Or maybe a butt plug that wouldn’t unplug.

  “Oh, my God, where did you find her, under a rock?” Velvet Thrust asked.

  “If you can’t say something nice—shut the hell up, as my dearly departed mother was famous for saying,” Fessa said.

  “Your mother died? I’m so sorry for your loss,” Mildred said sincerely.

  “No, she’s very much alive. She just departed to Boca Raton,” Fessa said.

  “Oh,” Mildred said. “I’ve never been overseas.”

  They all sat in silence for a long moment. Finally Candy Sweet said, “What LBD means, is that some lesbian couples who’ve been together for a long time no longer have sex and sometimes one of them can’t take the celibacy anymore. So they call us for a little-on-the-side action.”

  “They don’t want the complications of having an affair,” Fessa said.

  “They just need a night with one of us and then they go back to their partners and everything is business as usual,” Velvet Thrust added.

  “Sometimes we even get the other partner later on,” Desiree said.

  “And then we lose them as clients because they start fucking each other. Not exactly good for repeat business,” Velvet Thrust said.

  “I consider it a public service. You know how cranky lesbians get when they haven’t had sex in a long time. Didn’t you see that show on cable—When Lesbians Attack? Besides, most of our referrals are word of mouth,” Desiree said.

  “Yeah, then it’s a start-all-over thing. I prefer the busy business types who don’t have the time or the inclination for a relationship—those are the real money-makers,” Velvet said.

  “Too bad we don’t have a list of all the LBDs,” Desiree said with a sigh.

  “I’ve got a list,” Candy Sweet said, holding up her phone. “Right here in my address book.”

  “You’ve got an LBD list?” Desiree asked. “How’d you do that?

  “Yeah,” Fessa said. “Honey Belle keeps the client list under lock and key.”

  “In my previous life as a child of the streets I learned how to pick locks,” Candy Sweet said smugly.

  “You broke into her file cabinet?” Desiree whispered.

  “Naw, it was wide open. I was curious. Knowledge is power, you know. Sometimes she gets pissed at me and gives me one of the less desirable clients as pay back. I’m senior girl here and I should have some perks. So don’t none of you go telling on me or you’ll regret it. I personally guarantee that your life will not be pleasant if you breathe one word of this.”

  “I won’t say a thing,” Mildred said, locking her lips and throwing away the key.

  Candy Sweet scrolled through a list on her phone. “Here’s a good one to start with. Her name’s Lucy Tabor. She only calls in once or twice a month and all she lets me do is the remote panty rub. She figured it wasn’t really cheating that way. I could see if she’s ready for a repeat.”

  “A remote panty rub? What the hell is that?” Fessa said.

  “You haven’t heard of it? It’s like the latest labor saving device,” Candy Sweet said.

  “Panty rub?” Desiree said.

  “It’s the Blue Motion Nex One Panty Vibrator. It’s this tiny thing that fits right in your panties. It even has a long distance app so you can twiddle your lover cross-country. It even comes with a free pair of panties,” Candy Sweet said, straightening her wig, which had a tendency to migrate when she sweated. “Though, I have to say the panties fit my ass ‘bout like dental floss. They weren’t made for us super sexy sizes.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Velvet Thrust asked. “If what you say is true, I could do the business types while they’re out of town. It would double or even triple our profits.”

  “We need to get you one of those,” Desiree told Mildred. “Treadmills might throw you off, but surely you can work a little vibrator.”

  Mildred considered the ramifications of a battery-operated device. “I’m not that good with machinery,” she said. “Once, I was making a cake and I almost lost my tongue while licking the beaters.”

  Everyone stared at her blankly.

  She continued, “Turns out that you’re supposed to turn the mixer off first.”

  Everyone was quiet for a long moment.

  “Don’t worry, Mildred. We’ll practice,” Desiree said. “A lot.”

  Mildred smiled. She sure hoped the “we” was her and Desiree and the “a lot” meant A LOT.

  Vanilla Ice Cream

  The Blue Motion Nex One Panty Vibrator arrived the next day courtesy of Amazon’s free shipping for Prime members. Qui, who ordered specialized cleaning devices using Desiree’s Amazon account, opened the parcel by mistake. When she accidentally turned it on and it vibrated, she yelped and pitched the offending thing into the air. Luckily, it didn’t crash to the floor. Instead, it hit Desiree on the back of the head and landed unharmed on a sofa cushion.

  “Hey! This is an expensive piece of equipment you’re chucking around the room,” Desiree reprimanded.

  Qui muttered something in Vietnamese and flipped Desiree the bird. She stormed out of the room, and left for the day.

  Desiree scowled at Qui’s retreat. “You ready to try it out?”

  Mildred was nervous. She thought she’d have more time to get used to the idea. It was too late to back out now, though. Desiree held out the tiny vibrator and said, “Go in your bedroom. Put this in your panties.”

  A few minutes later, Mildred was sprawled on her bed with the device snuggled in her panties and Desiree was outside the door with the remote doohickey in her hands.

  “Are you sure about this?” Mildred called out. “Is it safe?” Sex was one thing but mechanized sex seemed potentially hazardous. Mildred didn’t have health insurance yet as she was still on her thirty day probationary period. If something went wrong could she lose her vagina? Then how would she work? Would she be able to get disability? Would she qualify for one of those handicap placards so she could get prime parking? Those seemed legitimate concerns.

  “How complicated can it be?” Desiree said, studying the knobs and dials on the remote. The contraption had come with instructions but they were written in Chinese.

  “What if you punch a wrong button and mangle my privates?” Mildred whined.

  “No worries, I think I found the kill switch,” Desiree said.

  “Kill switch?” Mildred said. “It can kill you?”

  “That just means an off button,” Desire said in her most calming voice through the crack in the bedroom door. “If it makes you feel better, we can use a safe word.”

  “What’s a safe word?”

  “You know, a word that when you say it I’ll stop.”

  “How about stop?”

  “I’d rather it be another word.”

  “Okay,” Mildred said, “How about safe?”

  “Exactly. Pick a safe word.”

  “Safe. That’s the word.”

  “You want safe to be the safe word?”

  “Sure,” Mildred said. “It seems safe.”

  “I’m not sure it is safe,” Desiree said.

  “What’s wrong with safe? It’s the safest word I know.” Mildred giggled. “Have you ever noticed the more you say the word safe the stranger it sounds? Safe safe safe safe…”

  “Are you okay?” Desiree asked.

  “
No. I’m as nervous as a long-tailed cat,” Mildred said. “I get giddy when I’m nervous. You better pick the safe word.” She adjusted the panty vibrator. It was a little left of center. “Do you really think we’re going to need a safe word?”

  “Probably not. This is pretty vanilla.”

  “Can we go out for ice cream after you’re done rubbing my panties? All this talk about vanilla has given me a hankering for a nice twist cone. This town got a Dairy Queen? I could do with a Blizzard too. I know! Vanilla ice cream! How’s that?”

  “How’s what?”

  “For the safe word. I’ll shout ‘vanilla ice cream’ whenever I want you to stop,” Mildred said.

  “Perfect.” Desiree poised her finger over the big green button. “You ready?”

  Mildred plumped her pillows, laid back, and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath. “Fire away.”

  “Okay, here goes.”

  Mildred felt her panties vibrate slowly at first. “Oh, my. It tickles.”

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, now turn it up slowly.” Mildred wiggled some and sighed contentedly.

  A minute went by in silence. “How’s it going in there?” Desiree said. “Should I be worried?”

  “No peeking!”

  “I won’t peek. Are you peaking?” Desiree teased.

  “Don’t make me laugh or I won’t be able to do it,” Mildred said. Oh, her tiny lady in the boat was getting hot and bothered. She adjusted the panty vibrator higher. Yes, that was just right. She thrust her hips back and forth holding her hand against the vibrator so it tingled harder.

  “Mildred?”

  “Don’t talk, just turn it up a notch or two.”

  Desiree turned a dial slowly.

  “Oh! Like that, yes,” Mildred panted. It only took her about three seconds longer until she felt like she was being launched into outer space. She actually saw stars behind her closed eyelids. “V…v…v…Vanilla Ice Cream!” she shouted.

  The vibrating panties stopped vibrating. Desiree threw open the door, shouting, “Are you okay?”

  Mildred sat up. She was all smiles and had a dazed look in her eyes. “Holy cow. Those Chinese people really know what they’re doing.”