Emily's Art and Soul

by Joy Argento

  Andi lifted the lid off the box, pushed aside white tissue paper, and pulled out a drawing, framed in dark gray wood with an elegant white linen liner. She gingerly ran her fingers over the glass, admiring the figure of the nude female. “Is this the drawing I saw in your studio the first time I went to your house?”

  Emily nodded.

  “It’s beautiful, Em. I love it. Thank you so much.”

  “I started this a long time ago, long before I met you. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was gay and this was my dream girl. So, I guess that would make it a portrait of you.”

  Andi set the drawing back down and gathered Emily in her arms. “I love it.”

  “Maybe dinner can wait?” Emily asked. She had an appetite, but it wasn’t for food.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  “I think I’m going to tell my dad about me—about us—when I go there for Thanksgiving,” Emily said. It had been almost three weeks since Andi had become her lover. She felt like she was lying to her father whenever she talked to him on the phone or dropped Mindy off for a visit. She’d felt that way when she met him in Waterloo two days ago so Mindy could spend her vacation with him.

  Andi kissed Emily on the top of the head as they lay together in Andi’s bed, covered only by a sheet. “I know that’s not an easy thing to do. Would it help if I was there with you?”

  “I love you for offering, but this is something I need to do myself.” The very thought of it made her nervous. She wasn’t sure how her father was going to react, and if it didn’t go well, having Andi there would only make it worse.

  “Do you know what you are going to say?”

  “I’ve run it through my head a million times.” She grinned at Andi. “No, not literally. But I have thought about it a lot, and to answer your question, no, I’m not sure. I don’t know what he’s going to say either. If my mother were still alive, I think she would be okay with it. But with my dad, it’s anybody’s guess. I hate that you and I aren’t spending Thanksgiving together. I don’t want to miss spending Christmas with you too.”

  “I know, baby, me too.” Andi stroked Emily’s arm, offering her no advice for the daunting task before her.

  ***

  Emily drummed her fingers on the steering wheel as she drove to Rochester. She played the scene out in her head over and over again. She wasn’t sure if she could explain why it took her until the age of thirty-five to figure out she was gay when she wasn’t sure she fully understood it herself. She wanted to at least have her opening line ready before she arrived at her dad’s house.

  Dad, I think I’m gay. No, no, I don’t think I’m gay, I know I’m gay.

  That one wouldn’t work.

  Dad, do you remember how I never dated much in high school? Turns out I’m a big ol’ lezzy, a queer, a dyke.

  No. Come on, she had to think of something.

  I met someone, Dad, and you are going to like him. Because he’s a she.

  Nope, she didn’t want him to think that Andi influenced her in any way. She needed to tell him that she figured out the gay part before she got involved with Andi. Okay, think. How can I do this?

  Emily was still running the possibilities through her head when she pulled into the driveway. It was beginning to get dark, but Emily could see that the lawn was mowed and her mom’s flower garden had been weeded. The broken shutter on the front of the house was repaired. It looked like Dad was indeed doing better. She hoped this didn’t set him back.

  Suddenly, Emily felt like she couldn’t breathe. She sat in the car willing herself to go into the house. I can’t sit here all night. Okay, here I go. Moments stretched while she listened to the ticking of the engine. Well, I seem to be still sitting in the car. She decided to at least open the car door.

  Without another moment’s thought, Emily did so, stepped out, and somehow managed to walk to the house. She was about to knock when the door swung open and Mindy threw herself into Emily for a hug.

  “I missed you oh so m-much.” Mindy squeezed her. She took Emily’s hand and led her into the house. The smell of tomato sauce and garlic filled the air. She followed her nose to the kitchen.

  “There she is,” her father said. “We ate earlier, but I thought you might be hungry when you got here. Sit, sit. Do you want cheese with this?” He placed a plate of spaghetti and meatballs on the table.

  Emily sat down. She ran her hand over the top of the old table, the same table that she had grown up with. The worn wood was as familiar to her as her childhood. A childhood filled with love. Filled with joy. Filled with Mom. She wished her mother were here now. “No cheese. This is great.”

  Mindy sat down in the chair across from her. “I sure did m-miss you, Emily.”

  “You too.” The nerves in her stomach were settling down as the warm smell from her food wafted up. They made small talk as Emily ate.

  “That was really good. Thanks.” Now or never. Confession time. The anxiety bubbled back up. I need to get this over with before I make myself sick. “Hey, Mindy, why don’t you go get my suitcase from the car and put it in my room.” She pulled her keys from her pants pocket. “Would you mind doing that for me? Put your coat on, because it’s getting really cold out. And don’t forget to lock the car when you’re done.” Emily waited until she was out of the room. She looked over at her father. His back was to her as he rinsed a dish in the sink.

  “Dad,” she started.

  He turned to her. “I really enjoyed our visit this week. Mindy and I had a good time,” he said, with a smile.

  “Sit down, Dad. There’s something I need to talk to you about.” Tears filled her eyes. She caught them with the edge of her napkin and tried to smile. Oh crap, don’t start crying yet. You won’t be able to talk.

  Her father’s expression turned grave, the smile gone in an instant. He sat down next to her and waited for her to start. When she hesitated, he asked, “Are you sick? Is something wrong?”

  “I’m fine, Dad. Nothing’s wrong.” She paused. “At least, I don’t think it’s wrong, and I am hoping you feel the same.”

  “What is it, honey?”

  Emily cleared her throat. “I’m gay, Dad.” She watched him, trying to gauge his reaction. Several long moments passed without him speaking. His smile didn’t return. He looked down.

  “Dad, please say something.”

  He brought his eyes up to Emily. “Is this a joke? Because if it is, Emily, it’s not a very funny one.”

  “It’s no joke. I’m gay. It took me a long ti—”

  “This is nothing I ever expected from you,” her father interrupted. “You decide that you’re gay and I’m supposed to just accept it? Well, I don’t.”

  Emily jumped as his chair scraped the floor and he stood up.

  “I can’t deal with this. I am finally getting myself straightened out here and dealing with your mother’s death and you drop this on me. This isn’t right.”

  “Dad, I-I didn’t choose this. I…” Emily didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t been sure how her father would react, but she hadn’t expected this. Tears flowed. The silence that filled the air was deafening.

  “Dad?” Emily said, when she couldn’t stand it any longer.

  “Emily, you were raised right. We went to church every Sunday. You weren’t exposed to those kinds of people. How can you be gay? Never mind. I don’t want to hear the answer. I can’t talk to you about this.” He stomped out of the room.

  Stunned, Emily slumped forward in her chair crying. She wasn’t sure what to do, but she knew that she couldn’t stay here. She couldn’t spend the night in this house and go to her aunt’s house in the morning. She had to get out. All of the air had been sucked out of her lungs and she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

  Her father sat in the living room, staring off at nothing when she walked past him. She went up the stairs as Mindy was coming down.

  “What a matter, Emily?” Mindy looked confused.

  “I’m not feeling too
good, honey. Go on downstairs with Dad and I’ll be down in a minute. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Emily washed her face in the bathroom and blew her nose. She grabbed her suitcase from the bedroom and headed back downstairs. “I’m going to go home. Do you want me to take Mindy with me?”

  “How come you going home?” Mindy asked.

  “Remember, I told you I’m not feeling well? Do you want to stay here or go home with me?”

  “She can stay here.” Her father answered without looking up.

  “Is that what you want, Mindy?” Emily asked.

  “I want Thanksgivin’ at Aunt Mary’s house,” Mindy answered.

  “Okay, I’ll come back Saturday afternoon to get you.” Emily gave her a hug and walked out the door.

  ***

  She left the lights off in her house and went directly into the bathroom, stripped off her clothes, and stepped into the shower. She had managed to hold off most of the tears on her drive home, but they came out in uncontrollable sobs as the hot water ran over her. She slid down to the floor of the shower, onto her knees. Sorrow overtook her as her tears mixed with the water from the shower and disappeared down the drain.

  When she was sure she had no more tears left in her body, she dried herself off and crawled into bed without bothering with her nightshirt. She fell into a fitful sleep from exhaustion, filled with random dreams of hurt and betrayal.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Emily woke with the sun the next morning. Her eyelids felt like they were held together with glue and her head drummed out a steady beat. The events of the previous evening came rushing back to her, and for a moment she thought she might puke. She no longer had any parents. Mom was dead and Dad didn’t want anything to do with her. What am I going to do? I am alone in the world. No, you aren’t, she argued with herself.

  “You have Andi and you have Mindy,” she said out loud. But what if Dad wouldn’t let Mindy come back home with her? What if he hated her that much? What if I show up at his house on Saturday and he won’t even let me in?

  This wasn’t right. Wasn’t fair. She’d finally found herself only to lose her father. It would have been easier to just go on pretending to be something she wasn’t, and hadn’t ever truly been. This sucks. With that, the tears began to flow again and continued until Emily fell back asleep.

  The sound of her cell phone shook her awake hours later. Disoriented, she wasn’t sure where she had even left her phone the night before. It must be in her pants pocket on the floor in the bathroom. She decided to let it ring and made no move to get it. She wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.

  She wanted to stay in bed longer, but her screaming bladder was in charge. She caught a glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror. Red, swollen eyes looked back at her. Hair stuck out in all directions. Guess it wasn’t a good idea to go to bed with wet, uncombed hair. Today you look as ugly as you feel.

  She kicked the clothes on the floor off to the side on her way out of the bathroom. Slipping into underwear, sweatpants, and a clean T-shirt, she eyed the bed but decided on a cup of coffee instead of going back to sleep.

  “Hurry up,” she yelled at the coffeemaker and poured herself a cup before the pot was full. She took a gulp of the coffee—black—and burnt her mouth. “Damn it! Fuck it all to hell.” She stirred in her usual milk and sugar, then plopped down on the couch in the living room and turned on the TV. Floats from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade flickered by without her taking much notice.

  Her thoughts drifted to Andi, spending Thanksgiving Day with her family. She couldn’t call her, and she wasn’t even sure she wanted to talk to Andi right now, anyway. She’d never felt so alone and she was going to wallow in it for a good long while.

  She finished her coffee and ignored the hunger pangs in her empty stomach. Her cell phone rang three more times; she could barely hear it from the couch, but that just made it easier to ignore. Random tears fell throughout the course of the day as her thoughts became almost too much to bear.

  It was dark outside when Emily gave in to her growling stomach and poured a bowl of Cheerios. She sat in the silence of her empty house at the kitchen table to eat her supper. Alone.

  Emily crawled back into bed and pulled the covers up around her, a box of tissues close by. Sleep came in spurts as she dozed and woke throughout the night.

  Friday passed pretty much the same way Thursday had. Her cell phone continued to ring throughout the day and she continued to ignore it. Saturday morning Emily showered and dressed. After she grabbed her cell phone and car keys from her pants pocket, she deposited the dirty clothes in the laundry hamper and headed out the door.

  In a booth at a nearby diner, she listened to the messages on her phone. One was from Mindy wishing her a “Merry Thanksgiving.” Emily smiled at that one. The rest of the messages were from Andi. The first one said, “I wanted to call and make sure you got there all right. I miss you. Give me a call before you go to bed. I want to hear your voice.” The last messages sounded more frantic. The last one said, “Emily, I’m getting really worried about you. I’ve called you several times now and I haven’t heard back. Please call and let me know you’re all right. I tried to find your dad’s phone number to call him, but I couldn’t. Please call me as soon as you get this.”

  Emily’s breakfast arrived as she listened to the rest of Andi’s messages. She realized she should have called her to let her know what had happened. She opened the contact list on her phone and hit Andi’s number.

  It was answered on the first ring. “Emily? Are you all right? Is everything okay?” The panic in Andi’s voice was obvious.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. I’m okay. Well, sort of okay. It didn’t go too good with my father.” Emily started to explain.

  Andi interrupted her. “I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you wanted it to, but I was panicked here. You couldn’t pick up a phone and call me?” Emily heard the emotion build in Andi’s voice. A mixture of frustration, relief, and anger poured through the phone. “I didn’t know if you were dead in a ditch somewhere or what the hell to think. I spent more than two days worried sick over you.”

  “I’m sorry,” Emily started.

  “If this is the way you treat someone that you claim to have feelings for, I would hate to think how you treat someone that you don’t care about. I am so hurt and pissed right now that I don’t even want to talk to you.” The line went dead.

  Emily stared at the phone in her hand. She started to call Andi back but hung up before she finished. Oh my God. Shit. Damn. Damn. Damn. She’d blown it. So stupid. She was so caught up in her own pain that she didn’t even think about what this was like for Andi. What an idiot. She’d have to figure out how to make this right. She couldn’t lose her.

  She pushed her breakfast aside, laid money on the table, and left, driving aimlessly for a while before pointing her car in the direction of Rochester to pick up Mindy. She was shaking by the time she pulled into her father’s driveway. She sat in the car, certain that she was going to throw up. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard several times, trying to clear the feeling.

  Without warning, her car door was opened from the outside. Startled, she looked up and saw her father standing there. She opened her mouth but no words came out.

  William Sanders leaned down toward his daughter. “Can you come in so we can talk?”

  She nodded and slid out of the seat. Together they walked into the house.

  Emily sat in the rocking chair. “Where’s Mindy?” she managed to ask, trying to keep her voice steady. Not sure if she succeeded.

  Her father sat on the couch. “She’s across the street at Lauren’s house. I wanted to talk to you alone.” He ran a hand across his chin. “I wanted to say I’m sorry. I didn’t react very well when you told me, well, when you told me what you told me.” He cleared his throat. “That you’re gay. I’m not going to pretend that I understand it. But you’re still my daughter and I love you.”
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  Emily met her father’s eyes. “Why the change of heart?”

  “I’ve had a few days to think about it. To let it sink in. I don’t know much about why someone’s gay, but I do know you. I know you’re a good person, and if you’re gay it doesn’t change that. I have a question about this, though.”

  “What?”

  “Have you always been gay and you didn’t tell me? Or is this new?”

  “I guess I’ve always been gay but didn’t even admit it to myself until recently. So the realization is a fairly new thing. But when I did figure it out, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It’s a lot of work hiding from yourself. I didn’t want to hide from you too. That’s why I told you.” Emily decided not to tell him anything about Andi yet. She needed to make sure that she hadn’t destroyed that completely.

  “All your mother and I wanted for you girls was to be happy. Mindy seemed to be born with built-in happiness. Not so much for you. You’ve had your share of struggles and heartache. If part of that is because you’re gay, and you have that part figured out now, then I guess I can live with that.” He leaned back in his chair. “I’m assuming you haven’t told Mindy yet.”

  “No, I haven’t. I’m not sure she would understand.”

  “Mindy might surprise you, but I’ll let you decide the best time to tell her. I just want you to know that, no matter what, I love you.”

  Relief washed over Emily like a wave. She hadn’t lost her father after all. “I love you too, Dad.”

  ***

  Mindy talked nonstop for the first half hour of the ride home. Emily suggested that they listen to the radio for a while and she let Mindy turn the dial until she found a station she liked. Mindy sang along with every song she knew, and she seemed to know most of them.

  Emily knew that she had to keep her attention on driving. The traffic was fairly heavy and the last thing she needed was to get into an accident. Her mind kept wandering back to Andi. The relief she felt about her father’s change of heart was overshadowed by her worry about having hurt Andi. She just wasn’t sure how to make it right, but she knew she had to do it as soon as possible. Trying to fix it over the telephone wasn’t an option. It had to be done face-to-face.