One Song Away

by Molli Moran

  I haven’t asked him for any more information than he gave me during our first meeting at Freshly Ground. I still only know the basics, but I’m curious. I want to know more, if he’ll tell me. I want to know him.

  “Coop…you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but what happened with them?”

  He lets out a long sigh, seeming like he’s about to speak, but changes his mind. After we’ve both had a few bites of everything, he meets my gaze. I don’t want to push, and I’m content to wait until he’s ready, so I stay quiet.

  “I was a disaster after high school. I was going to take a huge chance once I graduated, but I…let it slip away. Once that happened, I sort of went off the rails. I mean, you knew me then. You know I liked to party, and I enjoyed being the town golden boy. But right then, I didn’t want it. Any of it. I just wanted to get away.”

  I nod. I can absolutely understand that urge.

  “My parents insisted on me going to college, and offered to pay.” He frowns. “I told them I wanted to travel, and that I was going, no matter what they said. I told them they could either let me go or lose me for good.” He sighs, eating a few bites. “It was horrible of me to push them like that. They said when I came back, they would still be willing to help with school, but they wouldn’t fund my travels.”

  “Oh, Jake…”

  “No, no.” He puts down his silverware. “It was a good thing. I went everywhere. I was dirt poor the whole time, but I went. I stayed in hostels, worked odd jobs. I learned construction and coal mining. I bussed tables in Arkansas. I picked strawberries in California. I saw several of the beautiful provinces in Canada.” He breathes in and out for a minute. “I was broke, but I made memories that will last a lifetime. For over three years, I drifted, mostly here in the US, but a few other places. Then I decided it was time to come home.”

  “What did your family think?”

  “We were in touch every few weeks or months the whole time, but they were so happy to hear I was coming home. They missed me, and I missed them. Once I finally got back to Tennessee, I stayed with them for about a month, reconnecting.” Jake smiles. “That time on the road, and in fields and hills, Claire…it changed me. I can’t describe it. I was a stupid kid when I left, and now I don’t know about the stupid part, but I’m definitely not a kid anymore.”

  Impulsively, I take his hand. I haven’t initiated many gestures like this with him, despite normally being affectionate, and I can tell it surprises him in a good way. He curls his fingers around mine.

  “Jake Cooper, you are not stupid. I don’t ever want to hear you talk about yourself that way again. You’re mischievous, sure, and you’ve made mistakes, but we all have. You have a huge heart, and you never stop being supportive of those you love. You give all of yourself to everyone, and you live life to the fullest. You’re amazing.”

  I’ve said too much, but the look on his face is worth it. His eyes are shining brightly and I can’t look away from him. The chocolate brown overtakes gold in this light. He’s so beautiful. The grin he gives me only enhances his features.

  “Thank you.” He ducks his head for a moment. When he raises it, his eyes are shining. “I don’t know if I’d call myself amazing, but thank you, Claire.” His voice is husky, and it tugs hard at something inside me. I feel like this moment is stitching us together. “Knowing you believe in me makes me feel like I can do anything.”

  “Anytime,” I say quietly. I turn to my food, twirling spaghetti around my fork casually, but I feel breathless. When we talk again, it’s about lighter subjects.

  The intensity fades enough for me to breathe by the time Jake walks me to his car. We chat on the drive to my apartment, but I just…don’t want the night to be over when we arrive. I’m just turning to ask if he’d like to come upstairs when I feel his hand on my face. He splays his fingers across my skin, and I shiver. It isn’t cold outside, but I feel goose bumps breaking out across my arms.

  “Claire.” Jake whispers my name, but he might as well have shouted it. I can’t look away from him. “I can’t say what tonight meant to me. What you mean to me.” He swallows hard. “I’m so glad for this, for us.”

  When he leans across his seat, I don’t even pause before I meet him halfway. This kiss is different from our others. It isn’t practice. We aren’t surrounded by people. This is by choice, out of a mutual desire. His mouth is on mine before I can draw breath. He kisses me like he’s losing self-control. Our teeth clash. His hands slip up the back of my shirt.

  I give myself over entirely to this moment.

  I deepen the kiss, and Jake growls. Actually growls. And it’s sexy. As. Hell. He’s kissing me hard, as if he wants to leave an imprint, and I can’t get enough. My breasts are pressed against his chest, and even though he probably can’t tell, I can feel my nipples harden. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like if he were touching me anywhere else right now. I groan at the thought, a tremor snaking through me, moving lower, lower. I feel flushed and full and alive.

  I want this forever. His tongue dancing with mine. His mouth covering mine, lips taking and giving. His hands pressed against my skin, alternately warming me and sending shudders rolling through me. His scent all around me. His stubble scraping lightly against my cheek as he trails kisses along my jawline. He says my name, and it’s a deliciously husky sound that goes all through me.

  Jake breaks away from me, but doesn’t go far. He keeps his forehead pressed to mine. I hear a hitch in his breathing, and I’m vaguely aware that I’m out of breath, too.

  “I want to stay with you,” he says quietly, “but I think…I think I should go. If I don’t go, I think I might try to take this farther then we’re ready to go.” He ghosts his lips over mine, and then kisses the corner of my mouth. “I’ll see you at work?”

  I nod because I’m not sure yet that I can speak and make anything other than unintelligible sounds. I wait for him to leave, but we stay near one another for a few more seconds, like neither of us can bear to move.

  “Good.” He takes a huge, deep breath, and then slowly pulls away from me. “Goodnight, Claire.”

  “Goodnight,” I say softly, climbing out of the car.

  Then he’s gone.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I’m sitting with my legs hanging off the back of the tailgate when my dad hoists himself up and joins me. This bonfire was his idea, but considering he worked a good part of the morning splitting firewood, I think he deserves a break.

  I beam at him. “Hey.” We sit in silence for a moment. I’m too content to push for conversation, plus, my dad has always been the quiet type.

  He taps my nose with one finger the way he’s always done. “Hi, baby girl.” He cracks open a beer and takes a couple of long swallows before he says anything else. “I think your Boy Scout is having some trouble.”

  I follow his gaze to where Jake and Logan are kneeling in front of the fire. Instead of just doing the simple thing, lighting some kindling or paper, they’re trying to start the fire the old-fashioned way. I think it’s adorable they’re trying, even if they aren’t having much luck. Giggling, I take a sip of my soda.

  “Seems so, huh?” I wink at my father. “Should you go help them?”

  He raises a brow when Jake mutters an impressive string of curses. “Maybe.” He grunts, but hesitates, his green eyes focused on me. “Sophie-Claire, tell me something. Are you happy you moved home?”

  Before I answer, I take a moment and really think about his question. I’ve been back in Martinville for about a month now, and I feel better. Maybe not entirely whole or settled yet, but I’m getting there. I miss Nashville with an ache I’m not sure will ever truly subside, but I’m not sure if I’ll get a chance to go back or not. I haven’t forgotten my thought when I arrived here, about putting down roots, so I’ve been trying.

  In between working, I’m spending as much time as I can with my family. Mama and I had lunch the other day and went to the farmer’s market tod
ay. Cassidy and I recently went to the next town over where they have a huge mall. We tried on clothes and silly hats, bought too much chocolate at an outlet, and generally had a lot of fun. Being surrounded by family and my friends has helped make Martinville start to feel like home again, but there are definitely times when it doesn’t feel real, like when I wake, thinking I’m still in my Nashville apartment, or when I feel totally rootless at random.

  For the most part, though, I’m here. And I’m happy. I haven’t talked a lot about Jake and me with my family. Neither of us has mentioned breaking up, but since dinner at his place, our interactions have, to me at least, started feeling much more genuine. He was waiting for me last night with flowers when I got off of work. Being with him—even with a looming expiration date—is another reason my moving back hasn’t been so bad.

  “I am,” I say. My dad smiles. “It’s different than I thought it would be, being here, but in a good way.”

  Daddy pats my hand. “Okay.” He pecks my cheek. “That’s what I was hoping to hear.”

  I watch him amble over to join the boys. Wes and Nolan are off somewhere debating the new series of Doctor Who versus the classic series, and Mama and Cassidy are getting the food ready. Dad and Wes cooked and then did the cleaning up last night, so Mama said she didn’t mind getting the campfire food together. We’re just having hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, and dip, but knowing I’m with people I care about makes it sound like a feast.

  I really am happy to be here. When I left, I thought I was doing the right thing, but my big escape didn’t go how I planned...

  Mama talks about everything under the sun while Wes and Daddy pack the trunk and backseat of my car. She’s told me about a new recipe she found for lamb, and all about the crime rate in Nashville. She’s prattled on and on about church, and how the ladies there are praying for me. She’s said everything she can to avoid saying goodbye, but there’s nothing left to load. It’s time.

  She starts crying as soon as I put my arms around her.

  “Mama…no.” I hold onto her tightly. “Please don’t cry. You’ll see me soon.”

  “I know.” Her voice is muffled. “But first Wesley, now you. All my babies are leaving.”

  “Not for good.” I pat her back like she used to pat mine when I was little and upset. “Plus Cassidy is here. And I’ll be back for a visit in the fall, anyway.” I pull back, blinking away tears. “Please, Mama. If you keep crying, I’ll cry, and no one wants that.” My voice breaks.

  Daddy comes over, his eyes suspiciously shiny. I’m not going as far away as Wes went for college, but you’d think they’re never going to see me again. I’ve been planning this move since the beginning of the year, working and saving, but I don’t think they believed I was going until I started packing. Then again, I’m not really sure I believed I was going, but here I am. Ready as I’ll ever be.

  I hug Mama again, then Daddy. He takes my mom’s hand; she dabs at her eyes with the tissue in her other hand. Wes and Cass and I all hug. I tell Cassidy that we’re going to video chat and talk on the phone all the time. I’m not sure she believes me, but she nods, and I can tell she’s trying to be brave. We all are.

  “Okay.” I take two deep breaths, and then open the door of my car. “I’m gonna hit the road before it’s too late in the day. I’ll call y’all when I get to Nashville.”

  “Be careful!” Mama waves her tissue at me. “There’s some money in the console just in case.”

  I press another kiss to her cheek then climb into my car. Sloane and I said our goodbyes last night, so I’m ready to leave. I start my engine, but before I get my seat belt on, a vehicle pulls in behind me. I look in my rearview mirror, then feel my eyes widen. It’s Jake. He gets out and jogs over to my car, then drops to his knees at my door.

  “Claire,” he says, slightly out of breath, “were you going to leave without saying goodbye?”

  I thought we had already, but I don’t say that. Staring at him, I wonder what there is left to say. Prom—and my one chance—are behind me. I’m determined to leave my feelings for Jake in a cloud of dust on my way out of this town. I wanted to leave everything behind and start fresh, and I can’t do that if I’m holding on to old hopes.

  “Well…” I frown at him, puzzled. “Bye?”

  He smirks. “Yeah, okay.” He pulls something out of his pocket. “I got you a going-away present, so you won’t forget to remember me.”

  Stunned, I stare at the slender silver chain in his hand. There are two hand-stamped charms on it. One has my initials, and one has his. As if I need a way to remember him, or our bond. He’s branded into me.

  I might eventually get over him. I might leave my feelings behind. But I’ll never forget him.

  “Coop, I can’t take this.” I shake my head as he presses it into my hand. “I don’t need a token.”

  Jake smiles, his eyes golden. “Please, Claire? Just so you can look at it from time to time and think of me. You’re my best friend, and no matter what paths life takes us on, I…I want you to remember that. Remember me.”

  I can’t deny him this. I’ve never been able to deny him anything. Sighing, I let him put the necklace around my neck and clasp it. Then I brush a kiss across his cheek.

  “Thank you, Jake,” I say softly. “I’ll never forget you.”

  “Penny for your thoughts?” Jake says quietly.

  When I blink, he’s in front of me. It’s jarring, going from remembering him to seeing present-day him standing there. I feel like I have the ghosts of who we were caught in my eyelashes, so I close my eyes for a few seconds, letting out a long breath.

  “I was thinking about the day I left.”

  He’s frowning when I open my eyes. “You mean the day I nearly had a wreck getting to you in time to say goodbye?”

  I poke him in the chest, playing with the necklace. “Hey, don’t blame me for your reckless driving, Mister.” I found the piece of jewelry a few days ago in a keepsake box, and I’ve started wearing it again. Originally, I just wanted to try it on, but as soon as I looked in the mirror and saw it around my neck, I knew I wouldn’t be able to take it off anytime soon. It just feels right to be wearing it again. I see the moment he realizes I have it on, because his whole face brightens.

  “You still have it?” He sounds awed.

  “I never lost it. Just put it away for awhile.” I stare at him, the present flooding back to overtake the past. The fire is going now, and Daddy has hot dogs roasting. The boys are sitting near us in camp chairs, but for this moment, Jake and I might as well be the only two in existences. My entire focus narrows to just him.

  Swallowing hard, he reaches out and gently grasps the charms on my necklace. “I can’t believe you kept this. I didn’t think it could ever mean much to you.”

  We’re not even touching, but I feel completely connected to him. I let my gaze drop to the necklace, then I fix my eyes on his. I don’t try to hide anything from him. Not what I felt then. Not what I’m feeling now. I may not be ready to say it, but I know I’m feeling more than our pretend relationship allows for. I think maybe I was naïve to ever believe I could keep my feelings out of this.

  “It always mattered to me,” I say quietly. “More than I can tell you.” I wonder if he realizes what I’m not saying, because I’m not just talking about the gift he gave me when I left.

  He studies my face, and I don’t know what the firelight shows and what it masks on mine. His is partially shadowed, so I can’t read his expression. Suddenly, I realize that I’m in very dangerous territory. I place my hand over his on my charms, then draw it away so I can thread my fingers through his.

  “Come on, Coop.” I squeeze his hand, and jut my chin toward the bonfire. My mom and sister are bringing out the food, and it smells fantastic. Until I’m sure I’m ready, I can drop hints, but I don’t know if I can just blurt out how I feel—especially if it may be only me who feels this way. “Let’s go eat.”

  This is safe. I pull him toward
my little family and his, none of whom have any idea about our exchange, or the war currently being waged between my head and my heart. Mama smiles at the sight of us holding hands. Logan starts teasing us, so we separate, and each find ways to help get the food ready. I sit with Mama and Cassidy, and Jake sits with his brothers and mine. It’s safe. It’s normal. My heart slowly returns to a regular beat.

  But I feel Jake’s eyes on me throughout the night.

  Every time I glance his way, he’s looking at me. I feel the heavy weight of his scrutiny even when I’m talking to my little sister about how school is going, or when Wes starts trying to convince Jake to give Doctor Who a chance. For the rest of the evening, Jake and I aren’t alone, but whatever energy we created earlier lingers, flickering in the firelight, warming me like the flames do.

  And no matter how hard I try to pretend everything is fine and normal, I feel it all the way to my bones: a tipping, a tilting, and a very decided turning point. Away from rehearsed lines and toward something new, something terrifyingly real.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I’m sitting on my balcony, working on song lyrics, when the purr of an engine alerts me to Jake’s arrival. I scribble a few thoughts beside the chorus of my work in progress, and then close my songbook. This one is about being on your own, something I didn’t write a great deal about while I lived in Nashville. I tried, but nothing ever felt genuine. I don’t want to write radio-driven songs. I want to write from the heart.

  Tossing my book into my purse, I slip on my sandals and go inside. I’m turning off lights around the apartment when I hear the knock at the door. Teenage Jake used to wait for me in the car and honk, probably the only thing he ever did that pissed off my dad. Adult Jake comes to the door every time he picks me up, and I can admit that I like it. He has the same old charms and dangerous smiles, but an improvement in manners and several other areas. I like this version. I want to keep him…if I can. More than I’ve realized until recently.