by René, Dani
“I’d like that a lot,” I tell him honestly.
He pulls me in, allowing me to enter the dimly lit room which is so big, there’s a seating section where Ash guides me toward. They’ve reserved visitation rights only for family, but Ash has tugged me along anyway. Ember is sleeping, his eyes closed, and I can’t stop the tears from falling. He seems blurry through the pain that’s lacing my heart.
I may not have known him for long, but I feel as if he was a part of me. I guess they both are in a way. Perhaps not family, but they mean something to me.
Love is strange. It creeps up on you, weaseling its way through the darkness, bathing you in light, giving you hope.
Pain is real. It has been the only thing I’ve known since I was sixteen, and I realized that it could so easily kill you if you let it.
“He asked for you a few times,” Ash tells me. “They’ve just made him comfortable now,” he murmurs, settling beside me on the couch that faces the rest of Ember’s room.
“I’ll go in to see him in a minute. I wanted to say something to you earlier,” I whisper, looking into those beautiful blue eyes. “I love you, Ash.” I don’t wait for a response but make my way to the bed.
The moment I settle in the chair, I reach for Ember. His fingers tighten around mine, causing me to glance at him. He blinks twice; perhaps a thank you, or a hello. My throat constricts with emotion as I watch him. It’s strange to see someone disappear before your very eyes.
I swallow past the lump that’s making it difficult to breathe when his eyes close again, and I know it’s the last time I’ll ever see those green pools.
Ash shakes his head, his gaze locked on his brother’s frail body on the hospital bed.
His skin is sallow, and I wonder if there could’ve been a better chance for treatment if he’d tried something sooner. “Did he ever tell you how long he knew before this . . .?”
Ash is silent for a long while, and I wonder if he’s going to respond, but I don’t press him for more information. I just stare at a man who buried himself in my heart without me realizing it.
“No. Stubborn bastard.” The words are grit out through clenched teeth, but I know he’s in pain.
“What else did my father say?” Ash questions suddenly, and I realize he is talking about the letter.
“Just that he loved you both so much. He tried to help me because he felt guilty for not being able to go back in.” I glance at Ash’s hand and slip mine into it. Our fingers twine together. “He also told me to look out for you both.”
“He can be such an asshole sometimes. He shouldn’t have put that on you. If you need to move out, to put space between—”
“Why didn’t you just tell me who you were from the beginning?”
He stares into nothingness when he responds, “How would you have reacted if I told you?”
“So, making me fall in love with you was better than the truth,” I say with a deadpan expression and an arched brow. He pulls my hand up to his mouth and presses a kiss to it.
We sit in silence, watching Ember sleep. And as I lean into Ash, I blink back the tears.
Ash
‘You’re an asshole if you walk away from her now.’ He writes on the notebook I brought with me. He stopped talking when they inserted the tube into his esophagus. At first, he didn’t want it, but they explained it would be the only way to feed him. When he could no longer swallow anything, it required an emergency surgery; they operated.
The way his throat bobs when he attempts to swallow makes me want to help him. To do something other than watch my brother die.
My chest is tight with the heartache that’s slowly eating at me. I want to turn away, to focus on something other than his frail body. He’s too young for this bullshit. He’s not even been in love, or gotten married, or had a family, for God’s sake. And he never will.
“I love her, Ember,” I confess quietly. “I’ll ask her, but not now. We need time to get over this. To . . . I don’t know . . .”
‘My brother is a chicken.’ This time, he smiles when he writes the words down. It’s nothing like the smiles he used to offer up when he wanted to get his own way, but it’s a grin nonetheless. Even in pain, in the last few days, I have with him, he’s smiling.
I nod. It’s true. When it comes to Katerina Nielsen, I’ve never been more fearful in my life. The thought of losing her makes me ache. It makes the pain from losing Ember just that much worse.
“You knew. All this time, you watched me walk down the path into her arms. All those nights we spent looking for her, trying to find her. You knew I would fall for her.”
He nods slowly and winces before he grabs my hand. He takes the pen and scrawls messily on the page. When I glance down, there are only two words. My throat closes as emotion chokes me. All our lives we’ve dealt with death, with lies and secrets, but we’ve always been there for each other.
And soon, I’ll have to go it alone. There will only be one Addington left.
“You’re such a know-it-all,” I tell him playfully.
He grins once more, but this time, the pain has gripped him, and my heart burns with an agony that steals my breath.
“I love you, brother,” I tell him urgently. My voice cracks on the last word, and I know I have to do something. I need to make him see he was right, and I pull out the item that makes all the pain disappear from his expression for a second.
His lashes flutter, and his chest slows its rise and fall.
No more smiles. No more blinking. He stills, which stops my own heart.
“I’ll get Kat.” I rush out the words before turning to the door. When I step outside, I find her sitting in a chair holding her book. She glances up as I near her and offers me a sad smile. “You need to go in there,” I choke.
She nods. There’s nothing more to say because I know it’s the last time we’ll get to speak to Ember. The last time he’ll hear our voices and know how much we love him.
The moment Kat disappears into the room, I wait to hear the beep—the long, fatal sound that will alert the doctors and nurses. The door clicks and my breath is stolen. My lungs feel heavy. My heart is ripped from my chest as I close my eyes and focus on trying to ground myself.
I flop into the chair and blink. Salty tears fall from my eyes, and I allow them to cascade. There’s no longer any way I can hold in the pain. It needs to be expelled. It needs to leave me because I have to focus on Kat and giving her the life both my father and brother made me promise to give her.
Katerina
“Hey, you.” I settle on the chair beside the bed. “Ash said you’re pissing him off,” I tease, taking Ember’s hand and holding it in mine. He's cold. His skin is frigid, and I can't help but shiver. “You know, at first I thought you were both fucking around with me. I mean, I wondered how my life could turn out for the best when I'd been through the worst.” I blink back the tears, swiping at my eyes before I continue, “But you changed my life. In more ways than one.”
He picks up the pen lying on the swing table and scrawls out his response. ‘You were always special to my father, to me, and mainly, to my brother. He is an asshole but love him anyway. He’ll always need you.’
“And I’ll always need him,” I affirm with a nod. It’s true. After all the secrets were revealed, and our admissions were uttered, I couldn’t not love Ash. “You did this.” I smile at Ember. “I know you did. I am not sure how you managed it, but you got us together.”
Ember grins then. There’ll no longer be those sweet, happy smiles that light up the room. And there won’t be his calming words and advice. I’m losing one of my best friends I’ll ever have.
He takes the pen and scrawls on the page. Once he’s done, he shoves the notebook toward me, along with the pen. He shakes his head no before he lowers both hands to the bed. His long lashes flutter, and he closes his eyes.
“I love you, Ember.” My voice cracks, and I blink back the tears, allowing the pain to wash down my cheeks. He off
ers me one last blink, and the machine beside his bed beeps long and loudly.
The flat green line doesn’t bump itself up anymore. All that’s left is a straight line, and I fall to the floor and onto my knees before I’m scooped up and carried from the room by strong arms. I don’t fight. He’s gone. I’ve lost him. And I’ll never see those green eyes again.
Ash
She’s dressed in black.
Everyone is in expensive suits, but the only thing I can focus on is the black and silver coffin in front of me. The rain that trickles from the thick gray clouds above us reminds me of the tears falling from Katerina’s eyes.
All these years we believed it was our father. And the answer was there in her letter all along. My father left it for her, knowing that one day I’d find her. What I never understood was why he never told us. Why couldn’t he have just sat us down and confessed? It’s not like we were too young to understand.
“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,” the pastor speaks, dragging my attention back to the present moment.
Kat’s hand slips into mine. Her fingers tangle through my own. I cast a glance at her. Those big gray eyes are filled with tears that trickle over her lashes and fall down her cheeks.
A month has passed since I walked into that hotel, since I offered her ten grand to see her naked, and I never expected her to be standing beside me after learning the truth, but most of all, I never once thought I’d see this day. She’s a whirlwind who both stoked my need and ignited my heart. I’ll burn for her, again and again.
“… the Lord and Savior.” The pastor’s voice breaks through my thoughts once more, and I look over at my brother’s coffin. I don’t believe in religion, in God, or the saints. I don’t even believe there’s a higher power, but something sent Katerina to me, and Ember knew it.
He was always intuitive about life, about people who came into our lives. Even about our father losing a battle with depression after our mother died. I should’ve believed him the moment he told me she would be there for me.
“Thank you for standing beside me today,” I tell her in a hushed whisper. I don’t look at her, because I know I’ll only see the pain in her gaze. We’ve lost so much. Our families are gone. There’s no longer anyone else out there in this world for us, but each other.
“Let us pray.” I tune into the pastor’s deep voice again, and everyone lowers their heads. “Our Father . . .”
The words filter into nothing as I focus on my brother no longer being here, on the way he would offer his advice, even when I didn’t want it. Which reminds me of the one thing he wrote down, which I’ve reminded myself of every day since he closed his eyes for the last time.
‘You’re an asshole if you walk away from her now.’
“Ashton,” the pastor calls to me. It’s time to place the roses on the coffin. When I went to the florist and asked for black roses, she looked at me like I’d lost my mind. But I hadn’t. That painting in the studio was Ember’s pride and joy because I recall the moment he first showed it to me. He’d just finished it over two months ago. And this is the last thing I can do to make him happy.
I tug Kat with me, and we each grab a long-stemmed black rose. I place it on the casket and step back, allowing her to copy me. I reach into my pocket and pull out the page from the notebook Ember had in the hospital. They’re the last two words he’ll ever say to me, and I position them under the roses.
Drizzle wets the paper, just like my tears have done over the past week each time I’ve looked at it.
“You don’t want to keep it?” Kat questions from beside me as she swipes her cheeks. Her nose is pink, and her cheeks are soaked.
“Perhaps I should keep it, but I think it’s best that those promises go with him. I have them in my heart,” I tell her, then turn and settle on one of the chairs and wait for the pastor to finish the prayers that meant nothing to me.
Kat settles beside me, and I watch the proceedings as if I’m in a trance. She reaches for my hand and grips it with a force that warms me. Her strength is an inferno, blazing through my life and warming every icy bit I’ve held onto for so long. I know in this moment what Ember was trying to tell me all along.
I’m not alone.
I’m not all alone.
Katerina
The moment I step foot inside the bedroom, Ash offered me is a page from a notebook lying on the pillow. He said if I ever needed space, this is as far as he’s willing to let me move. I haven’t slept in here because my heart is with Ash.
Picking up the paper, I read it. The message Ember left before he closed his eyes.
The silence in the room is a welcome reprieve from the crowd who are gathered downstairs for the wake. I’m so tired of hearing people say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” I know they mean well, but it’s the same as the day of my parents’ funeral. Nobody can make it better. No amount of words can take the pain away.
I open the note and smile as I read the script.
It’s time to move on, princess. Look forward, never backward. Love you, sweet Kat, among the broken pieces of my heart.
The tears have stopped for the time being, but I know they’ll soon come again. Memories are like photographs, lingering in the mind until we give them attention. Ember is always with me, just there below the surface, reminding me of his strength.
A man who broke.
A man who gave everything to his brother.
And a man who gave me the love I so desperately needed. He gave me Ash.
His plan was perfect. Right down to the last time I looked into his eyes, he knew us. He saw right through our rigid exteriors, and he knew Ash, and I would be perfect together.
Tears threaten, but I blink them back for a moment. I want to see his words one more time before I go down to the people waiting for me in the living room.
“I thought I’d find you in here.” Ash’s voice comes from the doorway, startling me. When I turn around, I find him leaning on the doorjamb, still in his black suit with a matching tie and crisp white shirt.
His golden blond hair has been messily styled. His blue eyes are wide, shimmering with love, with sadness, and with pain.
He pushes off the doorway and stalks toward me. His hands land on my hips, pulling me closer to him, and he holds me steady.
The note flutters to the bed, and my arms twine around his neck. “I’ve been thinking,” I tell him. “I’d like to keep the studio as is.” It’s the space Ember entrusted to me, and it’s where I find my solace.
“Ember did leave it to you in his will, so it’s yours to do with as you wish.”
I smile up at him, “Good. Then it’s mine.”
He frowns for a moment before questioning, “I thought you wanted to buy your parents’ old house?”
“It’s time to move forward,” I tell him earnestly. It’s not only because of the note Ember left me, but because this is the place I am the most myself. The girl who lost her parents isn’t all gone, but I’ll never be her again. Ember was right; it’s time to look forward. “This is my home now. I choose to stay.”
“I think I like that.” Ash grins, placing a soft kiss on my lips.
Arching a brow, I ask, “You think you like that?”
He lifts me up in his arms and holds me like he’s never held me before. Like he loves me, like I’m his lifeline like I’m his forever.
“I love you, Katerina,” Ash murmurs. “I’ll always love you.” When he puts me down, he meets my gaze. “I wouldn’t ever want you anywhere but here,” he affirms. “Let’s go and get everyone to leave, then we can sit by the fire and drink whiskey.”
“Sounds like a plan.” I smile, taking his hand, and following him to the living room.
Katerina
One month.
Four weeks.
Thirty days.
I thought it would be like when my parents died. But this time is different because I have someone to share the tears, to share the pain and someone who can m
ake me see that I’ll be okay.
I’ve just gotten off the phone with Detective Olson who informed me that the man who had been at the store the night of the fire had been found. He wasn’t anyone who knew my parents.
It really was an accident.
The man had run being fearful of what would happen if he was caught. Knowing he’d been the cause of a fire caused him to flee the scene, and he’s now been reprimanded. There’ll be a court case in a few months, and a jury will decide what his penalty is.
All I want is closure.
I’ve said goodbye to my childhood home, to my parents, and to the girl I once was. I’ve left the pain and anger behind, and I’m trying to focus on the future. And tonight, I hope I’m able to show Ash how much I love him.
He is on his way home from work, and I’ve planned a special dinner. Ember’s gone, but it feels like he’s still here, still watching over us. And I can’t help but smile at times when I think about him leaving his studio and work to me. His wish was for me to continue in his wake.
I pour a shot of whiskey into two tumblers and set them at the head of the table. The plates are all set out, and the cutlery is shining. Candles light up the space, and the moonlight is already shining through the patio doors. The glass offers a view of the sky, making this seem almost magical.
We’ve been through the worst. Even though we miss him every day, I wanted to do something special for Ash tonight.
I smooth the burnt orange dress over my thighs when I settle in the chair. I sip my red wine, hoping to calm myself down, but it doesn’t help.
The front door clicks and Ash saunters in looking like he’s ready to go to bed, but the moment his eyes land on the dining room table, they light up.