We settle in to our meal after I get over the initial shock of him wanting me. Fascinated by this man I listen as Nick explains the birth of Ryan and Ryan Industries. When he was younger, his father always pressed him hard on the advantages of mailbox money. Doing something once, do it right but keep making money off of it. Nick took the idea and ran. Before graduating college he already made over two million dollars investing in different App ideas. After he graduated college, he and his father started Ryan and Ryan Industries. Most of their business dealings are in technology, though his latest venture is Harmony Sports Drinks. Absorbing DP&T was a way to bring in some highly skilled creative talent for in-house advertising because outsourcing it was a financial handicap.
“How old are you now?” I can’t help but ask considering his massive success at what seems like a young age.
His fingers caress the back of my hand. “I’m thirty-five.”
“You know I’m forty-three.” My emphasis is not on my age per se because I know I look young for my age. It’s more about what limitations come with my age.
“I do. Does age matter to you? It doesn’t to me.”
“I guess it doesn’t matter, but what about what we’re doing. When it’s over what happens to me?”
He sits back in his chair and drops his napkin on the table. “You aren’t talking about when it’s over? Especially since it just started!” Nick sounds frustrated, but he pauses, as he seems to gather his thoughts. “I get it, all you have is your job and becoming involved with your boss is not the best choice because what if it didn’t work out… where does that leave you? You would never lose your job because we failed at a relationship, Alexandra.”
“No, but it could be unbearable for me to work for you. To be honest when I assumed you were with Renee I felt miserable.”
“I understand. I also understand that you don’t know me, but I want you to trust me. Alexandra, I’m intrigued by you. I’ve known a lot of women, but not one who has stopped me in my tracks. You are very different.” He stops before he continues with his thought. “I’ll admit I had a quick pang of regret when I first saw you sitting at the conference table, but now I don’t care. I need to be near you, and I need to know all of you. Not want, it’s an actual necessity. And I’d rather focus on us working, rather than failing at this.”
Am I hearing this right now? This beautiful young man needs to know all of me. I feel the same way about him. How can we both feel strongly in such a short time?
“I don’t believe in setting rules for love. I’m not -not going to pursue you just because I am your boss. I made that decision about three hours after I saw you at the meeting. Why would I inflict unnecessary pain on myself?”
Nick’s confidence is such a turn on. He has it all figured out and I am a hot mess inside. He is open and honest, and he makes it easy for me to be open and honest. I feel like a young girl being pursued by this beautiful young guy, I’ve never felt so alive. Especially since I wrote myself off years ago, this was the last thing I expected. It feels good; it feels right so why deny myself?
“I need you near me. You feel like home to me. I am a very wealthy man. I have everything I need and more. I am set for a lifetime, but I have never felt more secure than when I am around you. I feel settled with you, I feel at peace around you.” Nick’s voice is sincere; no one has ever said such a beautiful thing to me. People tell me I am a very calm and easy person to be around, but that Nick needs it shocks me.
Instantly, I know my life has changed. I haven’t had a man be so real about his feelings ever. I only hope I am up to the task. “Nick, I’ll try but it's very hard for me. I only understand short-lived relationships. Whether it was my loved one's dying, or failed relationships, I realized it’s just not meant for me… love that is, love is not meant for me. I have never been loved for very long. I put love behind me. I’m sure there are many people that don’t ever find love. I have always felt I may be one of them. It has been this way for me since I was born.”
“You will get used to this, you have to because I need you, and I am falling in love with you, Alexandra. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since our first night together.”
“Nick is it okay if I can’t say those words yet.”
“All I ask is that you are open to them.”
I nod in agreement.
Though I have expressed to him my concerns, people cannot fully understand my fears. I choose the things in life I am used too. It’s like a child that has an abusive parent chooses an abusive spouse. I am on some level use to abandonment so I seek abandonment out. Nick does not understand how deep my disappointment goes, he does not understand I checked out a long time ago, and he does not understand what being numb means. I only know what it's like to live alone, so I will continue to seek that out even in the healthiest relationship. For him, I will try. I will say yes as often as possible, and even though I might falter, I hope yes wins out.
As we walk away from the restaurant Nick leans in and gives me a kiss. I smile up at him. We make our way back to the office saying nothing until he stops me. He reaches for both my hands, “I always enjoy my time with you, and I love watching you eat.”
Just as I’m ready to reciprocate the thank you, I hear high- pitched screams and looking over Nick’s shoulder, a body drops hitting the pavement only a few feet behind him. I hear the noise her body makes at impact; Nick flinches as if avoiding a bullet. It is an eerie deafening sound when a human body hits the ground. You know it’s a body, that’s all I can say about the very definite sound it makes. It is a sound I’ll never forget. There is nothing like it, nor should there be. The sound is emptiness. It’s deafening as if the world shut down and left pure sadness.
People run towards her. Nick whips around and drops to his knees. He feels for a pulse and places his ear to her mouth. He looks up at me and all I see is horror in his eyes. I scramble to get to her, blood pours out of her head, her mouth, and her ears. There are dozens of people surrounding her holding their phones, some talking on the phones, some taking pictures.
I kneel over her. I lift her head back to open her passageway and pound on her chest counting to thirty. I plead with her to stay with me, “don’t die, please, don’t die.” My tears pour down my face as blood gurgles from her mouth. I look at Nick who kneels beside me. “Alex, Alex. Stop! She’s dead Alex.” I sob as I reach for her head. I cradle it in my lap, talking to her as if she can hear me. Then someone drags me away from her.
Nick holds me as we watch the paramedics work on her limp body. A policeman walks over to us. He asks Nick something. I don’t hear what the police officer asks but I hear Nick’s response, “No, we don’t know her, we stopped here to talk.”
Nick removes one arm from around me to make a phone call, “Max, send a car, Mike if he’s available. Tell him to drive to 64th and 3rd and we’ll be there shortly, tell him to avoid 57th altogether, there was an accident, and it’s blocked off.” His voice sounds drained. “Come, let’s walk.”
I feel weak as we walk towards 64th. I just want to go home. “Nick, can you take me home?”
“That’s my plan.” There is no inflection in his voice.
“Can you stay with me? I don’t want to be alone.” My voice is a whisper.
“That’s my plan.” He repeats himself. Again, zero inflection in his voice.
The driver exits the car but Nick waves him back, “Don’t worry about it, I got it.”
Nick opens the door and helps me into the back seat and he follows sitting right up against me with his arm around me. “Mike, go to Alexandra’s house, please.” Nick turns and brings me in closer. “I’m so glad you don’t live in the city. I need to be far from here right now.”
“Me too.” Those are the last words spoken until we arrive at my home.
Mike parks the car and Nick jumps out and reaches for my hand. I have her blood all over me. I recoil my hand before I touch Nick.
“Stop, give me your hand.” He grabs my
hand and lifts me out of the car. “Keys?”
I hand my keys to Nick, “There’s an alarm… 9223.”
Nick takes my hand, and we drift down the hall through my bedroom, and into the bathroom. He unbuttons my shirt, pulls it out from my skirt, and removes it. He reaches his arms behind me and unzips my skirt. It falls to the ground. “Step out of your heels.”
I do as I’m told.
I’m standing in my bra and panties while he removes all of his clothes and warms up the shower. He moves behind me and unsnaps my bra. He slides it off my arms and tosses it on the chair in my bathroom. He slips his fingers under my panties, and glides them down my legs, “Step out.” he tosses them on the chair.
He takes my hand and walks me towards the shower. The full glass enclosure steams up and Nick opens the door and checks the water temperature. He guides me in and we stand close together under the large rain showerhead.
I look down at our feet as he stares at me. I watch as reddish pinkish water escapes through the drain. I break down sobbing into his chest. Nick says nothing. He reaches for the body wash and the sponge. Nick takes my arm and scrubs the blood from it then he washes my other arm. He moves from my arms to across my stomach, under, and over my breasts.
Blood mixed with soap flows down my legs, pooling at my feet then escaping through the drain. Nick turns me to wash my back. He gathers my long hair over one shoulder. One hand cleans my body with the sponge, the other hand is moving over my skin. Goosebumps cover my skin in response to the gentleness of his fingers. He turns me around to face him again. I take the sponge from his hand and start at his neck; I scrub his skin with the soapy sponge. Nick looks down at me as my eyes take in his beautiful body. I move closer to him so we touch and I wrap my arms around him with the sponge still in my hand. I clean his back while I rest my head on his chest. We hold each other as the soapy water runs down our skin. An uncontrolled deep sob finds me and takes over. It is minutes before I stop.
Nick shuts off the shower and I wait while he reaches for a towel to cover my body. “I need a drink.”
I nod.
Before Nick leaves the bathroom, he runs the bath water. I wait in the middle of my shower wrapped in my towel.
He comes back with two very full glasses of golden liquid. He places them on the ledge of the large window next to the bath and gestures to join him. Nick holds my hand as I step into the tub and sit down. He comes in behind me and pulls me in between his legs. I rest the back of my head on his chest, and he hands me my glass and then reaches for his. He trails his fingers along my skin as by body melts into his.
We sip our scotch. It is a sensual smell of scotch and Nick. I am aroused on so many levels: Nick himself, life itself, her life, and my life. I feel sad, yet, I have never felt more alive. I have a brief thought about how many people have died around me, and what is wrong with me that death seems to find me, but watching her body hit the ground made me want to live.
I feel like her death is my wake up call. I can feel Nick feels the same. He drags his fingers along my stomach. We say nothing for a long time. We stay comforting each other with the closeness of our bodies and our silence.
As the reality of the day creeps back into my thoughts, I speak. “She killed herself, she jumped from her high-rise apartment building.” I process aloud what happened.
“Yep. That’s what she did.” Nick's voice is stoic.
“She was beautiful. She looked my age.” Still processing…
“Yes, she was beautiful and in her forties.” Again, Nick is stoic.
“How bad does it have to be to do that?” I ask knowing there is no answer.
“I don’t know.” Nick’s voice is low.
“Was she still alive?” I ask.
“Briefly, she sounded like she was mumbling something. Did you hear it?” Nick sounds sickened by the thought.
“I thought I did, but then I thought maybe it was just the death rattle.”
“The death rattle?” Nick asks.
“The death rattle. Sometimes people have a rattle right before they die. My uncle and my aunt both had it. I heard it. Fluid or liquid gets caught up in their throats or their lungs, and as they are dying, you can hear this guttural sound coming from them.”
“You were there when both your uncle and your aunt died? You witnessed their deaths?” He holds me tighter as I shake my head. “You were so young, what did that feel like losing everyone you loved?”
“You would think my mother’s death was the hardest for me, but it wasn’t. It was my uncle’s death that hurt the most. I loved my uncle. He was carefree, a happy man that lived a simple life. He took me fishing every weekend. Three in the morning every Saturday, we'd head out to the beach. When we got there, he would get out of the truck and let air out of the tires, and then he drove his truck right on the sand. There was nothing like it. He smoked brown cigarettes and drank coffee, and I ate cold leftover baked potatoes he made the night before for dinner. He fished, and I looked up waiting to make wishes on the shooting stars. While I waited I prepared my wish so I would be ready to yell it out.”
Nick says nothing but I feel his grip tighten around me.
“I remember going back to school listening to my classmates talk about their weekends. It all seemed so boring because in my mind nothing was better than being on the beach with my uncle eating cold baked potatoes and wishing on stars.” I feel a tear travel down my cheek followed by another. “My uncle use to tell me I didn’t need to wait for a shooting star, I could make a wish at the moment I felt a breeze come through, and the wind would carry my wish to God.”
I wipe my face as tears stream down my face. I never shared this with anyone. It’s the first time I say it aloud. “The night he died changed me forever. It was about two o’clock in the morning. From my room, I heard him get up and go to the bathroom. I got out of my bed thinking it was time to get ready to go fishing, so I stood in the hallway for a moment. I heard something drop, so I rushed into his room. He was lying on the bed unresponsive, a bottle of Tums and the lamp from his bedside table on the floor next to his bed. I ran over to him crying and yelling asking him to wake up, but all I heard was gurgling. I called 911, but it was too late. He was dead.”
I reach for the washcloth and press it into my eyes. “I loved him so much, and after he died, I was reminded of what he said as we drove to the beach to go fishing, “Drive 55 to stay alive because there is nothing better than being alive.” I cover my face with the washcloth as I cry.
Nick pulls me closer and we continue soaking in silence.
We must have been in the tub for over an hour. Our glasses are empty and the water has cooled. Nick stands up and helps me up. He wraps my towel around me and wraps one around his waist. We dry off and crawl into bed together, naked. We lay facing each other our bodies tangled together. Dusk is settling outside. I fall asleep.
I open my eyes. I wasn’t done sleeping, but I had a nightmare. I stood over the woman’s body and when I looked at her face, it was my face.
“Alexandra, are you all right? You were crying.” Nick’s fingers trace the side of my face.
“I had a nightmare.” My brain processes the nightmare as if trying to make sense out of it but I decide not to relive it with Nick. I turn on my back and look at the clock. “Nick, what should we do? It’s 9:45. I don’t think I can fall back to sleep right now.”
“Are you hungry?”
I stop before I answer and assess my stomach, “Not really, I ate so much at lunch but let’s get up. I don’t want to sleep anymore.”
He glances around the room and points to the chair in the corner, “Do you want to wear that?” Nick walks over to the chair and picks up my light little cotton robe, the one that just barely covers my behind. It’s my favorite because the fabric is so thin and the cotton feels like silk on my skin. I shake my head and Nick wraps me in it. As he ties the belt around my waist, he stares deep into my eyes. “Alex, you are beautiful.” He runs his hands dow
n my arms and kisses my forehead.
I wait at the side of my bed as Nick walks into the bathroom and comes out with his boxer briefs on. We walk out into the kitchen.
“Alexandra, I love your house.”
“I love it too. I had a blast having it built.”
“You had the house built?” He asks.
“When I was twenty-six I had it built. My aunt left me with a substantial inheritance. I built a house I would want to grow old in. I renovated it five years ago just to bring it up to date.” I told no one that before. Everyone at work thinks I live in an apartment in Jersey, except Jill and Joe. They know most everything about me. They’ve been to my house many times. Jill even housesits when I go away on vacation. She always says it’s like a little vacation for her. She lives in a tiny studio apartment in Staten Island.
“Don’t tell me that at twenty-six you were already thinking about your old age?” Nick shakes his head at me.
“I know I’m weird, but it’s the whole people dying around me thing. Unavoidable.” I explain my rationale hoping Nick understands me better and doesn’t just think I’m morbid.
Nick walks around checking out my house. He starts with the kitchen. “It’s beautiful Alex, I love the openness. I feel very comfortable here. It’s very much like you.”
He moves into the room off of the kitchen. He walks to the fireplace and stands in front of it then he moves to the built-in bookshelves that flank the fireplace. His hand skims the shelves. “I find it heart breaking…” Nick’s head drops for a moment as he finishes his thought. “It’s heartbreaking to have no signs of family. No family pictures, not one.”
My mouth opens, but no words come out. I feel my eyes heat and swell as if tears want to escape, but I don’t let them. Nick turns and his face looks saddened by my reality. I say nothing. I know he wonders why I have no family pictures around, because even though they all died, pictures of them must exist. He realizes it’s not something I want to discuss at this moment, because he changes the subject.
The Yes Girl Page 12