“I am too,” she says.
Great.
We enter the elevator and stand side by side in silence.
“The sexual tension in elevators is so obvious.” She looks over at me as I try to move away from her. I have no idea what she is suggesting…I feel no sexual tension in this elevator.
The car moves up and within a few seconds, we stand outside the elevator doors on the fifth floor.
“Which way are you?” I ask knowing no matter what, I will walk in the opposite direction of her.
She points in the opposite direction of my room. “All right then, good seeing you and have a great rest of your trip.” I want to make sure she knows I don’t want to see her again.
“I’ll walk with you to your room.” This girl doesn’t quit. I can’t remember, but were all the girls I dated this desperate? Obviously, I didn’t care because at the time I wanted to get my rocks off.
I turn and walk down the hallway to my room. When I reach my door, I extend my hand to shake hers. Jackie wraps her arms around me and kisses my mouth. Sloppily she sticks her tongue in my mouth, but I don’t reciprocate. She then moves her hand over my cock. She pulls back. “You’re not turned on?”
“I look down at her and shake my head.
“What are you gay?”
I don’t even have to think about it. “No, I’m in love with another woman.”
“Oh, I see.” Jackie steps back and smooth’s out her top. “Well, I read this wrong.”
I decide saying nothing is best. Not that Jackie read it all wrong, it’s Jackie wasn’t paying attention enough to be reading anything. Jackie wanted what she wanted, but she would not get it from me.
Relief settles in when I am finally in my room alone. I pace back and forth trying to ignore the need I have to call Alexandra. It’s early morning in Jersey, I’m sure she’s asleep, but if I call I could at least hear her recorded voice. I’d get a little fix. What if she answers and thinks I’m a prick for calling so early? She won’t think I’m a prick. She’s responded to all my emails. She hasn’t shut me out. Fuck, I’m calling.
My stomach twists as I listen to the phone ring. It’s four thirty in the morning in New York.
“Hello.” Her voice is low and husky from sleep.
“Alexandra.”
“Yes, hello?”
“It’s Nick.”
“Nick, are you okay?” Her tone changes from sleepiness to concern.
“Yes, I’m sorry I’m calling so early. I needed to hear your voice.”
“What are you doing?” Alexandra yawns into the phone.
“I’m in bed, thinking about you.” I pause and wait, but she says nothing. I can hear her breathing. “I met an old girlfriend tonight.”
“Nick, I don’t really need to hear about this. I don’t want to hear about this.”
“It’s not like that. She tried to hit on me. She grabbed me, but she realized I wasn’t interested.”
“You weren’t hard?” She asks.
“Completely soft.” I answer.
“And now you’re worried that something’s wrong?” Alexandra yawns again.
“No, not at all. As soon as I heard your voice I got hard.” I hear Alexandra let a pleasing moan slip out.
“Are you touching yourself right now?” Her tone is sensual, a tone I love hearing from her.
“Yes.”
"Place your hand around your cock and stroke it up and down?”
“Yes.”
“Do you wish I was there so my warm, wet mouth could suck hard on your cock?”
“I wish you were naked, straddling me, getting ready to take me inside of you.” I moan. “I would grab your tits and bring them to my mouth. My warm tongue would swirl and suck each nipple. I’d move so deep inside you until you exploded all over my cock.” I stroke myself faster until the tip of my cock explodes and I hear myself moan, “Alexandra, I love you."
There is silence.
“Nick, I love you too. Do you feel better?”
“I do.”
“I’m glad, now go to sleep. We’ll talk soon.”
“All right, baby, sorry I woke you up.”
“Don’t be. I love hearing from you. Good night, Nick.” Alexandra hangs up.
She is all I need.
Chapter 24
Alexandra
I feel sick to my stomach as the phone rings. I dialed his number at least five times before I hit send. Now it rings. He’s probably out celebrating. It’s almost the New Year in Germany. I shouldn’t have called.
“Hello.” He picks up.
“Nick, it’s Alex.”
“Alexandra, I can’t believe you’re calling me. It’s been awhile since we talked.”
I can barely hear him because of all the noise on his end of the phone.
“Nick, is this a bad time? I can barely hear you.” Before he answers me, I hear a female voice in the background calling his name.
“No, I’m out with a group of people for the New Year. Let me see if I can find a quiet place.” He says.
“Of course, it's New Years Eve, we’ll talk another time. I'm sorry I wasn't thinking.” Just as I’m about to hang up the phone, I hear him say my name. His voice is melancholy. My name coming from him sounds like a request begging me to stop. My heartaches, and I say the only thing that makes sense at this moment. “Nick, I love you and I miss you."
“I know, baby. I feel a huge void without you in my life. I love you so much. I miss you.”
Unfortunately, following his words is a girl’s voice calling out his name, again. This time she sounds more persistent.
“Well, Nick, it sounds like someone needs you, so we’ll talk soon.”
“No, not yet, don’t hang up. I need you Alexandra.” He says but now the girl’s voice sounds closer and whinier.
“Goodbye Nick.” I hang up. I run to the bathroom and vomit.
I brush my teeth and go back to my bed. I look at my phone. Nick tried calling back, so I send him a text:
I’m sorry I called on New Year’s Eve that was inappropriate. We’ll speak soon, Enjoy your night and Happy New Year! x
A little while later I receive a text back:
I’m out with people that mean nothing because I didn’t want to be alone tonight. I miss you. I’m happy you called. I love you. xx
I cozy up with my body pillow and the blanket that smells like Nick and cry myself to sleep. This is harder than I thought it would be.
“This is the store that has anything you could need for breast feeding.” I hold open the door for Jill who makes a face like I told her I like to eat road kill.
“Don’t you just need breasts?” Jill says.
“Ha, Ha. Just wait you’ll be shopping here before you know it.” Bob asked Jill to marry him on New Years Eve.
A sweet salesperson, Emily, who seems way too excited about breastfeeding paraphernalia greets us. “We’re just going to look around, it’s my first time in here.” I say. Emily gives a quick tutorial of the store layout and returns to the counter.
Jill and I go through the store amazed that there are so many possible items for breastfeeding. Jill holds up a plain matronly white bra with flaps. “I hope you will not be one of those women that whips it out anywhere.”
“I’d like to think not, but who knows what kind of mom I’ll become.” I hold a beautiful scarf, “But that’s why they have these, so you can be discreet and pretty, at the same time.”
“Discretion is always good.” Jill says.
Jill and I walk the length of the entire store. At the back, there is a wall of breastfeeding bras. I search through them looking for one that I find remotely sweet. Finally, I find a soft pink one with a little lace trim. I return to the counter where Emily is reading a magazine.
“Emily, how do I choose a size?” Before Emily can answer me, the bells on the front door of the store interrupt us. Two women walk in.
Damn Me!
My first thought, dive behind the
counter, but it’s too late, Kate and Julia stare me in the face with their mouths open.
In Kate’s warmest voice, she says my name, walking towards me with her I need to hug you face. Within seconds, she wraps me in her arms and I cry. I don’t know if it’s the sight of her face, her embrace, my hormones, or just months of holding back some serious tears, but I sob like a baby.
“It’s okay sweetheart, it’s okay.” Kate’s voice is soft and caring, and it’s what I need right now.
She holds me until I drain all my tears. I feel a hand rubbing my back and realize Julia comforts me as well. When I gain composure Kate releases me and takes a step back. “You look beautiful, Alexandra.”
I say nothing but wipe my face with the tissues that Emily handed me during my mini breakdown.
“What are you about seven months pregnant?” Kate asks.
I shake my head.
“And this is my grandchild, Alexandra.” Kate is not asking me, she knows it’s her grandchild, yet her voice is sincere and non-judgmental.
I shake my head, again, and break down sobbing, again.
Kate’s wraps her arms around me and she whispers in my ear that everything will be okay. I believe her. Nick reminds me so much of her.
When I calm down, Kate, Julia, Jill and I sit on the couch near the dressing rooms. I can’t look at Julia, not because I feel she judges me, but because I feel ashamed that I kept this part of their life from them.
This child is part of Nick. Nick, who they love and adore, created a human life, and I kept it from them. In addition, as if Kate reads my mind she says the most simple but most profound thing, “In life it is never too late, unless you’re dead.”
“Where is he?” I ask about Nick. “The last time we communicated was New Years Eve.” Our communication slowed down. I thought for sure when I didn’t hear from him that he met someone and moved on.
“He’s still in Germany, he’ll be back in April. He’s been busy trying to finish things up. He finished a majority of the work, so he’ll be home for a long stretch at that point.”
Kate holds my hand and Julia rests her hand on my shoulder. How can they be so kind to me?
“Please, say nothing to him. I’d rather tell him in person. I’ll call him when he gets back.” I feel I have no right to request such a thing, but I do it anyway. I was so happy that Nick hadn’t noticed my weight gain when he surprised me at my front door that night back in October. Knowing we would make love, I turned off the bedroom lights and turned on the small nightlight in the corner of the room. Hoping the lack of light would hide my secret. Nick rubbed my stomach and I thought he suspected something but he never mentioned it.
“You know Alexandra, the way things ended devastated Nick. He loves you. The last time Nick and I spoke he said he hasn’t given up, he needs to get this business cleared away and in his exact words, ‘Then I’ll deal with Alexandra’.”
I sniffle then blow my nose. “We’ve stayed in touch, but I thought he moved on by now. It’s not over in his mind?” I can’t believe after all this time Nick would want this, me.
“It’s not over for him at all. My son is like me in that respect. We are patient people, and not everything is black and white.” Kate’s voice soothes me. I want to curl up next to her and sleep. “Alexandra, do you still love him?”
I don’t even think about it. “I do. I never stopped.”
Kate smiles as if she knew my answer before I spoke the words. “When’s your due date?”
“April 16th.”
“I want to keep in touch with you during this time. Help you anyway I can. I won’t say anything to Nick. I agree you should tell him in person. But I will tell him I ran into you.” Kate pauses and then her face lights up, “What are you having?”
“We are having a girl.”
Kate looks at Julia who sits on the other side of me, “We’re having a girl.”
We all break out in tears, even Jill who sat in silence this whole time cries.
We all exit the store together. Kate’s arm loops inside of mine. “Now, Alex, you call me later this week, we’ll shop for the baby. Do you have a nursery set up in your home?”
“Not yet, I thought I could do that after she’s born.” The truth is I've been too tired to do anything. I thought a bassinet next to my bed for the first few weeks would be enough.
“We’ll get it done before then. I’ll call my decorator to set up an appointment. Once you give birth, you will not want to deal with any of that. Nick definitely will want it done before your due date.”
It reminds me of where Nick fits in this equation. I step aside with Kate, away from Jill and Julia. “Kate, about Nick?”
Kate looks concerned, “What about Nick, Alex, what are you worried about?”
“He said many times that he didn’t want children. How is he going to feel about fathering a child?” I look down at my pregnant belly.
“Nick loves you. He will be thrilled.” Kate pauses. “Maybe not at first because of the way this has played out, but I can guarantee that my son will be thrilled to learn that you and him are a having a baby.”
I cry and hug Kate one last time before we say goodbye.
To: Alexandra Adams
Subject: MOM
From: Nick Ryan
Dear Alexandra,
I spoke with my mother today. She told me she ran into you while shopping in the city. I’m jealous that she got to see you, and hug you. She said you were glowing and that you were more beautiful now than when she first met you.
Alexandra, I will be home in April. I want to see you. Please let me know if that is still a possibility.
My love always,
Nick
To: Nick Ryan
Subject: Possibilities
From: Alexandra Adams
Dear Nick,
I was happy to see your mom. I’m sure she told you that I cried like a baby when I saw her. You remind me so much of her, gentle and patient. I think we need to see each other. We have a lot to discuss…
My love always,
Alex
Chapter 25
Alexandra
It’s Friday afternoon, and it’s been an exhausting week. I am at the point now that I want this little baby out of me. My due date is in two weeks, but I hope she’ll be early.
“Jill, I’m leaving in ten minutes, can you get me yesterday’s work to sign off on?” I sit at my desk yelling to Jill who is right outside my office door. I used to get up to talk to her, but now it’s not worth the effort.
Jill walks in with a folder filled with papers. “Is this your last doctor’s appointment before your due date?”
“No. Honestly, I wish these appointments were over. I’m exhausted.”
Jill drops the folder on my desk. “Only sign the first two contracts, the others need amending.”
“Great!” I sign my name and hand the folder back to Jill. “Are you leaving, or staying?” I ask Jill as I gather my bags.
“I’ll hang out until four. Some of the girls are meeting up for a drink after work.” Jill, as usual, became instant friends with her new coworkers.
“Good, have fun. I’ll talk to you on Monday.”
As I exit the building, I take in a deep breath. It was a long winter that started early in November but we catch a break, and the first few days of April have been mild. The warmth of the sun feels good on my face. I have a quick checkup and then I’m going home. I stroll towards the direction of my doctor’s office when my cell phone rings.
“Jill, what did I forget?”
“Nothing, the doctor’s office just called, she had to leave to deliver a baby. They asked to reschedule your appointment. I told them you would call next week to reschedule.”
“Okay, no problem. Thanks. I’ll talk to you Monday.”
I turn and go in a different direction. I walk up six blocks and stop at the flower shop at the corner. I get a bouquet of Gerbera daisies and turn right on 57th street. I make one more sto
p at the yogurt shop for my weekly vanilla frozen yogurt in a waffle cone dripping with wet walnuts. Something I could not do without during my pregnancy even during the colder months.
I continue walking and eating until I arrive at the spot. I gaze at all the other flowers, the various cards, the candles, some stuffed animals, and I lean down to place my bouquet among the rest. As I stand up, I catch my reflection in the window in front of me, and the darkened outline of a man that I haven’t seen in months. I turn around in shock.
“Nick!” I drop what’s left of my frozen yogurt cone on the ground.
He stares down at my pregnant belly and I can see the color drain from his face. He says nothing for what feels like forever. I can tell he is processing what he observes. Finally, he says something, “How many months?”
“I’m due in two weeks.” The words stick in my throat.
I can see him doing the math in his head and then what resembles rage passes over his face. “I feel sick.” He bends over and places his hands on his knees.
“Nick, are you okay?” I panick. I don’t know what to do or say.
He stands back up and stares at me. His face softens, but I still don’t know how to explain this to him.
“That’s my baby.” He points to my stomach.
I nod and take in a deep breath.
“Do you know what you’re having?”
“A girl. Ava.” I answer though I'm afraid of what he will say next.
He repeats her name and then he looks down at the ground and points to it.
“Was that her name?”
Tears well up in my eyes, “Yes.” I tremble inside. I want to hug him, and hold onto him but I am terrified. Nick seems calm, but I think it’s more about him gathering the facts or maybe its just shock.
“Do you walk past here often?” Nick continues to process.
“Once a week. I leave flowers.”
Nick pauses for a moment. “Alex, I don’t really know what’s going on here, I’m very confused. I need a minute to process everything.” He rakes his fingers through his hair and looks up to the sky. “Wait a minute, my mom saw you two months ago. She knows? What the fuck is going on?”
The Yes Girl Page 25