“I’m surprised the Walshes didn’t order you home for Christmas.” I change the subject because I can’t help but mention them. Something about this time of year makes my chest ache. Then I remember I was living a lie.
“Dad tried to order me home. I wasn’t having it,” she answers. When all the shit went down between me and the man I believed to be my father, Izzy was only thirteen. There was a lot about life she didn’t understand, and I didn’t want to tell her the truth, but then my asshole half-brother, Derek, filled her in on my paternity. It caused a strain in her relationship with our shared brother, my mother, and the man I believed was my father. In a way, Izzy’s been running away ever since. I felt guilt about it for a while, but then understood that it was what the family represented that pushed her away.
“Right.” I rub at the scruff on my chin.
“Sure I can’t convince you to head out here even for a few hours?” she asks, and I hate to disappoint her.
“I’m not making any promises, but I’ll try,” I concede, unsure how things will play out with Sam. Farmer Joe is also expected back tomorrow, and I’m not sure how he’ll take the news that I’m still here.
“Thanks, Bro,” she says, and she sounds so young. That’s when I realize she and Sam are the same age, only Sam has a maturity Izzy doesn’t possess yet. I’m glad that Izzy hasn’t experienced true hardship, that she still possesses the purity of a young child unscathed by life. Sam’s innocence is gone. Her sad eyes tell a tale of their own. I’ve seen the sadness disappear for brief moments and a part of me wants to make it my mission to make Sam smile. And how great men fall. The words ring in my mind once more, and I internally chuckle thinking of Colton again. I want to call him and tell him I understand now. I wait. I don’t have Sam yet. She doesn’t trust me. I need to win her trust. I just need to figure out how.
“You there, Al?” Izzy’s voice comes through the phone, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Yeah, sorry. Spaced out.”
“There’s a girl, isn’t there?” she asks as if she’s got telepathic tendencies.
“Maybe,” I admit.
She squeals.
“Okay. Update me soon and Merry Christmas if you don’t make it tomorrow. I love you.”
“Love you too,” I answer, and it’s so easy because I love my baby sister, but there isn’t a huge list of people I do love. It’s small and compact. It makes me doubt myself, which isn’t good. I need to win Sam over. If I’m going to do that, I need to be confident. I’m not. I’m fucking scared.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Al
Past
Mid-semester exams were brutal. I needed to do my best since I’d applied to the top Ivy League schools back in America. I didn’t have much time for Brie. Outside of messaging on our Blackberries, we’d had no contact for three weeks. That was a long run for us. She said she was busy studying, but I got the impression she was in over her head partying and doing drugs.
For some reason my stomach was turning all night thinking about her. I shut off the lamp on my desk and packed my work away. It was late. My Swedish roommate Sven had been fast asleep for hours, although he was an early riser. I figured I’d sneak out under the radar. My need to see Brie felt overwhelming and with Christmas a few weeks out, I didn’t even know what she had planned. I wanted to bring her home with me, if she wanted.
I dressed warm and left the dorms through the usual side door. Hoping to look like a ghost in the night, I made my way across a large expanse of empty land toward the girls’ dorms. The night chill seeped into my bones, causing a shiver to crawl down my spine. I sneaked into the usual receiving area and went up a back flight of stairs, stopping on Brie’s floor. My heart beat rapidly in my chest, and I had no clue why other than the anticipation to see her excited me. I knocked lightly on her door, knowing she had a roommate. No one answered. I pressed my ear to the door and heard a light thump from music. I slowly turned the knob just in case it was her roommate and not her. The room was lit by a lamp on a desk, the damn techno music I hated thumping in the background. I took a step inside. Her roommate had a guy I knew in bed with her. They were fucking. I was scared to look in the direction of Brie’s bed. For some reason the hairs on the back of my neck stood on edge. A glutton for punishment I moved in closer since no one realized my presence. It was then I saw Brie in bed with a girl with dark hair on top of her. My chest squeezed, and a light wheeze left my lips. Unable to formulate words, I walked over to the bed. She was full making out or fucking the girl, light moans and giggles leaving their lips.
“What the hell, Brie?” I boomed. She looked wide eyed for a moment, staring up at me, using her hands to cover a body I had grown familiar to.
Brie and I were better than this. All the students at this school didn’t practice monogamy. Even the ones supposedly in a relationship. Brie and I were different. Only now we weren’t. I didn’t know if it made it worse or better that she was in bed with a girl and not a guy.
She looked up at me and laughed. She fucking laughed, and that was when I saw remnants of white powder on her nose. She was high as a kite. She looked too thin, like she wasn’t eating. I didn’t know what to do.
“It’s a girl, Al. Relax.”
The girl she was with looked frustrated. “Brie, come on. Leave that loser alone.” She went back to kissing her as if I wasn’t standing there.
I couldn’t reason with her now. Brie had become everything she feared. She had come to hate her father, yet she followed solidly in his footsteps. I turned and walked out of the room. My heart ached as I made the walk back to the dorms. My head felt spacey, and I didn’t care if I was suddenly caught and kicked out of here. If this place could corrupt someone as perfect and pure as Brie, I didn’t want to be here anyway. I tried so hard to get caught but I made it back to my dorm room without a hitch. I cried into my pillow that night. The next morning I woke, determined to speak to Brie. She was my best friend. She was hurting. I had to help her only you couldn’t help someone that didn’t want it.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Sam
Al was asleep in bed when we got back from dinner last night. I don’t think he’s used to the manual labor, and it seems to be tiring him out. I’m grateful to not have to face him because my emotions are running high after he confessed he has feelings for me. He doesn’t want to leave Holston. I don’t know what to do. I slip out of bed because Mack, Autumn, and I need to prepare the turkey she brought for dinner. First, I check my phone and realize that with all the drama, I forgot to get in touch with Blake last night. Fuck. I don’t want him coming over and making a scene, especially with our house guests here.
I shoot him a text.
Me: Sorry dinner ran late.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, and I don’t spend holidays with Blake, which means he will have to wait.
Blake: Merry Christmas to you. Be in touch soon.
I laugh, thinking how his voice would sound saying those words. Grumpy and demanding. Asshole.
Me: Merry Christmas.
I answer just to appease his temper. Having Al here and interacting with him makes me question how I spent all these years hooking up with Blake. Yeah, we were young when we got together, but the chemistry between us was never heated like it is with Al. If anything, it’s always been more toxic.
I head to the kitchen in a sleep shirt and shorts, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Mack and Autumn are standing at the kitchen counter, drinking coffee, and Ethan is sitting at the table eating his favorite cereal. He turns his head. “Good morning, Auntie.” He smiles, and it’s so sweet.
“How you doing?” Mack asks. She overheard Al confess his feelings to me last night before dinner and wouldn’t let up talking about him all through dinner. Despite his colorful past, Mack thinks I should give him a chance. I repeat the words in my head because Mack usually doesn’t approve of anything I do.
“Fine,” I answer. I don’t want to get into relationship talks with the
se two. They don’t understand where I’m coming from. They met, fell in love, and it was easy for them. Dad wasn’t so accepting that Mack preferred girls at first, but with Mack’s fuck-what-anyone-thinks attitude, he didn’t have much choice but to accept her or lose her. He chose to accept on his own terms. It isn’t like he’s this loving welcoming father anyway. “We should get cooking. That turkey will take hours to make,” I say, heading past my sister to the coffee maker.
Autumn shakes her head. “Not necessary.”
I pour some coffee in a mug and give her a look that says I think she bumped her head when she woke up this morning.
“I’m not following,” I answer, my head still muffled by sleep and another hot dream. Fucking Al.
Mack walks over to the fridge and opens it up. I’ve never seen the fridge so jam packed with food. “We have a four course Christmas dinner already in here. We just need to heat it up,” she explains while my jaw remains hanging open. “Seems like your friend was busy while we were at dinner last night. Gotta say, it was awfully thoughtful. We got turkey, ham, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Probably have enough food in there to invite all of Holston for Christmas dinner,” she rambles on.
I remain rooted in my spot. Words escape me until his presence looms behind me. I shouldn’t know he’s there, but my skin feels warm and my breathing accelerates at the thought of him being so near. I’m aware of how screwed I truly am.
“Good morning,” he says, his voice deep and raspy from just waking up. The sound moves toward me, making my belly tighten. I haven’t even turned around to look at him. Mack eyes me like I’m being rude. I know she wants me to turn around and thank him for the food. I turn slowly on my feet, and when my gaze hits his, my breathing pauses. Why does he have to be so handsome, even in the morning when he’s straight out of bed? I’m betting my blond hair is sticking up in different directions right now.
“Thank you for all the food. It was very thoughtful,” I say quietly, but I don’t look him in the eye.
“It was nothing. I figured it would be easier to pick everything up than spend a whole day in the kitchen,” he answers, rubbing at the scruff on his chin. A part of me wants to walk up to him and kiss the air right out of him, but that would be putting my heart on the line. This man can’t be a hookup for me.
I don’t say anything else to him. I head to the kitchen table and talk to Ethan about school while Al makes small talk with Autumn and Mack, who both seem to be taken by his charm. We spend the day hanging out and playing board games. Ethan and Al seem to be getting along great too. Everyone is getting along except for me and Al, because I keep my words on a need-to-know basis.
At around 4:00 pm, he looks at his watch. “My sister really wanted to see me today. Would you mind if I borrowed your truck?” he asks.
“Nice of you to ask today,” I answer. It’s bitchy and in all honesty, the words slip out before I can even control them.
He pauses and his mouth hangs open.
I shake my head like I’m trying to instill reason in my brain. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that. It was nice of you to buy the food and put gas in my truck. Yeah, go ahead and take it. Will you be back for dinner?” I ask, surprising myself. The question shows him I care, and I shouldn’t. He’s making the signals in my brain cross again.
“I don’t have to,” he answers. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”
My foot twists as I try to think of how to answer that.
“I want you to stay.” Ethan runs up to Al, smiling. “I like him, Auntie. He’s fun.”
“I can’t argue with my nephew.” I grin down at Ethan, but Al doesn’t look pleased. He wanted me to say I wanted him to stay.
Al gives me a penetrating look that tells me he’s trying to get in my head. He wants to hear if I want him to stay or not. I don’t respond.
“Fine, then,” he answers. “I’ll have the truck back later,” he says and heads to the room to grab a jacket. He stalks back through the main room, walking past the Christmas tree where Autumn and Mack have laid out their presents. I also put a few of my own down. He places a small box by the tree and stalks toward the kitchen. My stomach sinks. I know he’ll be back to bring me my truck, but will he leave after that? I wrap my arms around my torso. Al grabs the keys from the hook and says, “See you all later. Merry Christmas. Enjoy dinner.” He walks out the door and my heart skips a beat.
I’m so fucking confused. When I look at Autumn and Mack, they both look at me sympathetically like they pity me. I can’t bear it for a minute longer. I place my mug of coffee on the counter. “I’m going to go get dressed. I haven’t practiced riding in a while. I should catch up for next month’s competition.” I turn to my room. Ethan comes running after me.
“I can’t believe you ride a bull,” he says.
“Yup, I’m not the only gal around here who does,” I answer because no matter how I’m feeling, Ethan releases a tension in my chest.
“That’s so cool. Can I watch you train?” he asks.
“Let me get dressed and get warmed up and maybe you can come into the barn a little later,” I say, patting the top of his head.
“Great, thanks.” He smiles and he’s cheerful. Ethan is happy.
I head to my room and get dressed.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Al
I knock on the family cabin door. I’ve never been here before. They must have acquired it in the last ten years or so. It’s large and fancy. I expect nothing less. I hear the large latch on the door open and seconds later I’m met with Izzy’s warm smile.
“Hey you.” She reaches up to give me a hug. I hug her back, enjoying the familiarity of being around family. “Come on in. The weather here is insanely cold.” She waves me in with a brush of cool air. A butler comes to take my jacket, and I follow Izzy deeper inside the house. “Tristan is passed out. You’ll meet him later, and Sasha and Aaron are around somewhere, probably fucking their brains out.” She huffs. Yes, my little sister has no filter.
“Right.”
“Do you want something to eat? We have the most amazing cook here.” She goes on. Truth is I don’t feel hungry. I’m too confused to feel hungry.
“Nah, I’m good.” I follow her into what looks like a family room. The ceiling is high with large planks of rustic wood. One wall is covered in stone and in the center a fire burns from the fireplace. The place has a country feel.
“Come take a seat.” Izzy curls up in the corner of the large sectional couch.
I take a seat across from her on a large recliner.
“What’s up? You aren’t your usual talkative self,” she says sarcastically. I’m never too talkative, but right now I’m silent.
I rub at the scruff on my chin. “You know how I told you a woman helped me out during the snow storm when my car got stuck …” I swallow hard.
“And you were passed out because you took a sleeping pill.” I tried to hide the part of the story that I was passed out from Izzy. I didn’t want her to know her older brother took a sleeping pill and almost died like a moron. I ended up telling her anyway because the thought that I did something that careless messed with my head. It scared me, shook me up, and at the time Izzy was the only one who I felt comfortable telling since she wouldn’t judge me. “Yeah,” she answers, and her eyes look sad and filled with worry.
“I’m fine, Izzy. I mean, I wasn’t trying to kill myself. It was a bad decision. That’s all.” I try to ease that line forming between her eyes.
“Al, if it’s more, I need you to tell me. I can help. I want to help,” she says, and I think she’s a breath away from offering me money or taking me to a drug counsellor.
“I told you it was a mistake. I wasn’t trying to end things,” I snap, a little on edge from my earlier I don’t even know what to call it with Sam because it wasn’t an argument. “I’m sorry.” I shake my head. “Look. I appreciate your concern. I know I said I was coming out here to clear my head, but trust me, I had no intent
ion of offing myself. The truth is the woman … uh … girl … woman I’ve been staying with …” I stutter like a moron, and Izzy’s brows draw together.
“Al,” she says, stopping my mumbling rant. I pause, wondering what she has to say. “The woman that found you, you like her,” she says almost reading my mind.
I stare blankly at Izzy. I stand from the chair and pace the room.
“OMG. You really like her,” Izzy says, and when I turn my head to look at her, she is wide eyed and the excitement gleams off her.
“I fucking really like her.” I blow out a heavy breath. “But it’s complicated. She’s complicated. I don’t understand her. One minute she’s hot, the next she’s cold. I know she’s had a tough life, but I confessed my feelings to her,” I explain to my sister, who is now sitting on the edge of her seat as if she’s waiting to watch the climax in a thriller movie.
“And she didn’t jump into your waiting arms,” she says.
“No.”
She gives me a sympathetic look. “I told her I want to stay and see where things will lead, and she said she couldn’t deal with me now. She left for dinner … that was last night. All day today she was basically ignoring me. She can’t even look at me.” I huff as frustration bubbles through me. “Scratch that. When she does look at me, I can see she wants me … so she won’t look at me. I don’t know what to do.” I sigh and fall back into the very comfortable recliner, completely defeated. “I’ve been living in her house. Driving her car. I have to stop doing that if she doesn’t want me there. Her damn mixed signals are screwing with my head.”
“Holy shit.” Izzy gasps. “You really got it bad. I thought this day would never come. Especially after you were pissed about Colton being wrapped around what’s her name’s finger.” My sister reminds me. She doesn’t know about Brie. No one does. Not even Colt.
“Evie … and yeah. I’m completely out of my fucking element. The crazy part is I don’t want to just walk away. I don’t think I can. I’m in too deep.” I pull my phone out of my back pocket to see if Sam called or texted. Why would she? She doesn’t even have my damn number.
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