Reality Wedding

by Laura Heffernan

  Grossest. Kiss. EVER. Thank you for never trying to choke me to death with your tongue.

  Justin Taylor to MRS. Reid:

  You’re welcome? Or I’m sorry?

  Jen Reid to Justin Taylor:

  You should be. I guess it’s a small price to pay for your ongoing employment.

  Justin Taylor to MRS. Reid:

  You’re the best. I promise to kiss whoever you want when I get there.

  Jen Reid to Justin Taylor:

  Don’t tempt me. Anyway, Rach and J-dawg and Koji seem to think Logan has real feelings for me. I can’t do this anymore. I’ll go with the flow, but no more flirting. Definitely no more kisses.

  Justin Taylor to MRS. Reid:

  Fair enough.

  Justin Taylor to MRS. Reid:

  Who’s Koji?

  My dress fitting went smoothly, thankfully. The Network still seemed to be planning to let me wear a dress I loved, it fit, and the alterations were no big deal. Sponsors sent a variety of shoes to the shop, I found a pair I liked, and they were the perfect height with the hem. The seamstress promised to deliver dress, shoes, and accessories to the Fishbowl the following afternoon.

  After lunch, all the members of the wedding party who’d made it to Los Angeles went out to the pool area, where floodlights blazed in the daylight. Five podiums had been set up, like on Jeopardy! Affixed to the front of each was one of the color-coded fish we’d used during The Fishbowl, each with a different person’s name on it.

  No one had mentioned the kiss yet, and for a moment, I worried this was a setup where they’d confront me with it. But that didn’t seem quite dramatic enough.

  Logan stood in front of the podiums. “The original plan for this afternoon was to put Jen and Justin through a Newlywed-style game to see which of them knows the other better.”

  “I do,” I said automatically.

  “I’m sure you do, Jen,” Logan said, with his cheesy TV-host wink. “But you admit the game’s a wee bit less fair if your spouse isn’t here to play along?”

  I nodded, and he continued. “Anyway, so we had to mix it up a bit. There are no teams for this challenge. It’s every person for himself,” Logan said. “We’ve got five contestants, competing to answer the question: Who Knows Jen and Justin the Best?”

  Rachel and Ed exchanged fake glares.

  “Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong!” Rachel said.

  “Whatever,” Ed said. “Who’s her best friend?”

  “Um…Sarah is,” Rachel shot back. “Which you’d know, if you knew her best.”

  Rachel was right. Had Sarah made it in time to participate in this game, she’d have blown everyone else away. They would have needed to give her a disadvantage. One person answering all the questions correctly makes for boring TV.

  Logan cleared his throat. “Funny you should mention that. Since Sarah couldn’t be here today, and The Newlywed Game is off the table, she emailed me a list of questions.”

  Rachel smirked at Ed. Birdie put one hand on her stomach, looking a little queasy, but assured us she was fine. Joshua had gone pale. Koji pulled out his phone and started tapping. He could have been looking up some random facts or texting a friend to meet him for drinks later.

  “You’ve each got a buzzer, thanks to our sponsor, Cheap-O Buzzers ’R’ Us,” Logan said. “I’m going to ask a question. You’ll hit your buzzer. Whoever buzzes in first gets to answer. Jen will tell you if you’re right or wrong. Five points per right answer. If you’re wrong, it’s negative three points, and someone else gets to buzz in. The winner gets to join Jen at the spa on Saturday morning for side-by-side massages.”

  Birdie rubbed her lower back and grinned. “Oh, step back everyone. That prize is mine! #PregnancySucks.”

  “Any questions? Okay, take your places!”

  Everyone moved behind their podiums, and I went to stand by Logan, not knowing where else to go. “Try not to give anything away, okay? Unless I ask you for a hint.”

  “No problem,” I said. “They’ll be fine.”

  The questions started off easy enough: What does Justin do for a living, what’s the name of my bakery, what’s Justin’s sister’s name? The key to winning seemed to lie in buzzing-in first. Joshua, Rachel, and Ed answered questions easily, while Birdie shook her buzzer and scowled at it. Koji never touched his buzzer, but at least he put his phone down.

  After about half a dozen warm-up questions, the questions moved from preliminaries into specific events from the shows.

  “How many stories did Jen fall from the deck of the Boaty McBoatface?” Logan asked. “J-dawg, you lit up first.”

  “Ugh. My buzzer isn’t working,” Birdie said.

  Logan shrugged. “Well, they’re called Cheap-O Buzzers, not Awesomely Working Buzzers. Keep clicking.”

  She glared at him, but he ignored her. “J-dawg?”

  “Trick question, Logan,” he answered smoothly. “Jen didn’t fall from the Boaty McBoatface, a small yacht that carried her from Jamaica to the Cayman Islands. She fell from the cruise ship, called the Queen Kelly.”

  My jaw dropped. I shouldn’t have been surprised he watched the show, since Rachel was on it, but why would he pay attention to the parts with me and Justin? He winked at me. “Not just a pretty face, am I?”

  I didn’t answer.

  Ed muttered “kiss-ass” under his breath.

  “That is correct, J-dawg. Next question: How many stories did Jen fall from the Queen Kelly?” As he said the ship’s name, Logan met Joshua’s eyes, adding emphasis.

  Rachel buzzed in first. “Ten! Our room was on the tenth floor.”

  “I’m sorry, Rachel, but that is not correct.” Logan told her. “J-dawg, you were second to buzz in.”

  “It was the eighth deck, Logan,” he said smugly. “Jen fell from the balcony of Ariana’s suite, God rest her soul. And that was eight stories above the water.”

  Logan turned to me. “Is that right?”

  “That is correct! A fall from any higher probably would’ve seriously injured me, but I was lucky that my high school training as a diver paid off.”

  “And we’re all glad it did,” Logan said smoothly, with all the sincerity of the guy in the Geico commercials. “Let’s take a look.”

  A screen behind Logan flared to life, giving a bird’s-eye view of the deck. The ship lurching one way, me going the other. Ariana fell off the balcony, into the ship, and I flew through the air, dropping into the open ocean. I’d never seen this footage.

  We figured the fall would be an excellent end-of-episode cliff-hanger, so I made Sarah watch for me and tell me when to turn off the recording. A good thing, too, because now I spotted what looked like a shark fin, off to the side of the screen. The creature must have passed only a few feet from me. I’d been scared enough when I fell; if I’d seen the fin while in the water, I’d have pooped my pants.

  “Six points for form!” Logan’s voice intruded on my thoughts. “Did that feel as terrifying as it looked?”

  “It was mostly a blur,” I said. “I only had a few seconds to think about how to break my fall. I needed to protect my head and neck. Once I was in the water, the shock of the cold water and the impact kept me from panicking.”

  “Well, that certainly does look chilling,” Logan said. Ed snickered at the pun; Rachel rolled her eyes. “Question 12: where did Jen get her famed ‘secret’ cookie recipe?”

  And so it went. Logan asked questions, with video clips from the shows punctuating the answers. My friends tried to buzz in first, but Joshua beat them left and right. He boasted that all the time spent playing video games must’ve paid off. I started to get creeped out about how much this guy knew about me. Not just Joshua: all of America.

  Finally, finally, Ed managed to buzz in first. He let out a whoop, then said, “Jen and Justin’s first kiss was abo
ut two hundred feet from where we’re standing, at the end of the driveway.”

  The memory of the kiss, as always, brought a smile to my face. But then Joshua’s voice intruded. “Nope!”

  “What are you talking about? We’ve all seen that kiss a thousand times. It was plastered on every tabloid in America for weeks.”

  “It’s on the wall of my bakery.” Every day, at least one customer commented on it.

  “And that was your second kiss,” Joshua said. “Your first kiss took place about ten feet away, right before Jen chucked her fish into the pool and accepted the offer to leave. I was sitting right there, bro.”

  Birdie tilted her head at me. “Really? You never mentioned that.”

  That first kiss hadn’t made it into the final cut of the show. It didn’t fit the narrative the show wanted to portray. “It was a peck. Not a real kiss.”

  “Not a real kiss? Well, let’s see for ourselves,” Logan said. “Thankfully, I have the tape right here. This is previously unseen footage from the vault.”

  The video screen behind Logan lit up again, showing the very patio where we stood. Joshua and Rachel were in the hot tub. Justin and I sat on two lawn chairs, each holding a glass of wine. A bottle sat on the ground nearby. My heart sang at the sight of him. We’d been apart too long. Making this show was fun and all, but it would be so much better if Justin were here with me. Especially since the show was supposed to be about us getting married. I couldn’t even think about what happened if the groom didn’t manage to arrive in time for the wedding.

  “Holy shit,” Justin said on the screen, pointing over my shoulder.

  I watched myself spin around, see the offer. “Fifty thousand dollars.”

  “That’s an incredible offer, Jen,” Justin said.

  “I know.”

  “Take it.”

  I paused, nibbling my lower lip and shifting back and forth.

  My face was flushed, and I wondered how much I’d had to drink. It hadn’t seemed like much at the time, but a nearly empty bottle of wine sat on the deck beside me.

  “I have to take it.”

  “I know.”

  Thunder crashed, and raindrops splattered the camera. I bit my lip.

  “Goodbye, Justin.”

  Then I leaned over and planted a quick kiss on his soft lips. I stood, grabbed my fish, and tossed it into the pool.

  The screen went dark, and Joshua put his arms over his head, letting out a bellow. “You. Are. OWNED. J-dawg 4-Eva!”

  Ed shot me a sheepish look. I shrugged and raised my hands. Joshua won fair and square. Meaning I got to start my wedding day with the last person in the house I ever wanted to be alone with. Even Koji would have been preferable, and I didn’t know him at all. But there was nothing I could do about it.

  * * * *

  After the game ended, I tried calling Justin half a dozen times, but my calls went straight to voice mail. Hopefully that meant he’d managed to get a flight out of Miami. Weird neither he nor Sarah texted me, but maybe there wasn’t time. I called her, too, but she didn’t answer, either. Not knowing what else to do, I called Mrs. Taylor. My in-laws were the only people I knew in Florida who still had a landline.

  “Jen!” She sounded breezy, unconcerned. “How’s the show going?”

  “Well, not great,” I admitted. “Have you heard from Justin or Sarah? I can’t get ahold of either of them.”

  “Oh, they’re fine, dear. All the flights were canceled, but he’s at the airport trying to get another one. Justin asked me to call you, but I figured I’d wait until after my soaps. No need to worry.”

  I exhaled slowly, trying not to let frustration mingle with my relief. Justin must not have heard the alert sounds for my latest texts in the bustle of the airport. And they couldn’t know their mom would decide calling me was less important than watching her soaps. They were doing their best. “Thank you so much. And what about you and Greg?”

  “We were planning to fly out Friday evening. I’m sure our flights will be fine. Can’t wait to see you, dear. Oh, the commercial break is over! Talk to you Friday.” She hung up.

  I shot Justin and Sarah a quick text, then went to see what everyone else was doing. Logan was thankfully nowhere to be seen. Rachel and Joshua hung out by the pool, so I gave them a wide berth. Inside the kitchen, I found Ed preparing enchiladas. I poured us each a glass of wine and settled onto a stool at the bar to catch him up on what happened.

  He laughed and shook his head. “I tell you, Jen, you have the best problems.”

  “Come on, Ed, this is really bad.”

  “I know, I’m sorry. But Justin will get here soon enough.”

  I tipped my wineglass at him. “I’ll drink to that.”

  After dinner, I went back outside. Logan hadn’t reappeared, but I needed to figure out what to do when he showed his face. I walked and walked for what felt like hours, calling and texting Justin over and over until frustration and exhaustion overwhelmed me. Since the first day on The Fishbowl, we’d never spent so much time apart. All I wanted was to hear Justin’s voice, see his face, and know everything was going to be okay. My ex-boyfriend Dominic “traveled” a lot, and I’d missed him, but I never ached for him. Not like this.

  My wandering feet brought me to the hedge maze. I ran one hand along it, letting the feel of the brush against my hand soothe me. With a big sigh, I stopped and leaned back against the wall. Above me, the sun peered down from a gorgeous, cloudless blue sky. Just another perfect California summer evening with zero humidity.

  “Jen.”

  Behind me, someone said my name. Before I could see who it was, a hand snaked out of the hedge and locked around my wrist. Then I was pulled into the darkness of the maze, and a hand wrapped around my mouth.

  This was like an episode of UnREAL. The Network was having me kidnapped, less than forty-eight hours before my wedding.

  Chapter 15

  Confessions from the Chapel, Thursday:

  Rachel: We’re all going out tonight to blow off some steam. Some of us are going a little stir-crazy from being cooped up all week. I’m looking forward to it.

  J-dawg: Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I’m gonna get LIT! Marijuana’s legal in California now, bro! This is gonna be EPIC!

  Rachel: Yeah…like I said. Some people need to get out.

  Ed: I’ve got my dancing shoes on! We are ready to party. As soon as we find Jen.

  Birdie: Man, this little guy’s active today. *pats belly* I hope my little Guppy here sleeps through the ceremony. *to her stomach* You can be America’s next reality star when you’re older, kid.

  I struggled against the arms holding me, but they grew tighter. Screaming did no good with the hand clapped over my mouth, so I licked it. Had the assailant been my older brother, that would have made him back off in hurry.

  “Gross!” Joshua. Of course. I struggled harder, but the guy had arms of steel.

  “Hey, Jen, calm down.” The second voice belonged to Ed.

  Instantly, I relaxed. He wouldn’t let anyone hurt me, no matter what stupid idea Joshua or the Network concocted.

  A blindfold slipped over my eyes, and someone slid a gag between my teeth. I tried to bite, but Ed laughed. “Stop. You know I like that.”

  Hands pulled my arms in front me of and tied them with some kind of cloth. I tugged my hands apart, but nothing happened. Silently, I cursed Rachel for teaching Ed how to do knots during our season on The Fishbowl. She had to be the 4-H hog-tying champion and not the top cookie seller?

  “Come with us,” Joshua said.

  They didn’t leave me much choice, so I moved one foot in front of the other. Neither of them spoke. A rough hand gripped my left shoulder, a gentler one on my right elbow. The clean, artificial pine-fresh scent that filled the maze gave way to freshly mowed lawn aroma. They walked
me up a hill, so we must’ve been heading toward the front of the house.

  I considered dropping to the ground and refusing to move until I got an explanation, but didn’t want to risk Joshua tossing me over his shoulder like a sack of flour. Ed probably wouldn’t stop him.

  Something crunched beneath my foot. The texture told me we’d stepped onto the gravel covering the driveway. The stench of exhaust hit my nose. An engine growled: not a car, but something larger. The Network was taking me on a field trip somewhere.

  We came to a halt. Whatever sat in front of the house exhaled a loud puff of air, and then air-conditioning hit my face. A bus. We were getting on a bus.

  “Step up,” Ed said gently, leading me into the interior. “Turn this way.”

  Someone lifted the blindfold, and I blinked rapidly to clear my vision.

  “Surprise!” a chorus of people yelled.

  We were on a bus, like I thought, but one completely unlike any public transit I’d ever seen. The entire interior was dark, but blue and green neon lights outlined the windows and tracked along the ceiling. Instead of a dozen or more rows of seats separated by an aisle, a long bench ran under blacked-out windows. These were no ordinary bus benches, either. The seat covers waved in a pattern up and down the walls of the bus, creating a sea of black leather.

  The back half of the bus held what appeared to be a fully stocked wet bar. My friends were already there: Rachel and Birdie stood near the bar, chatting with Mom. Koji chatted with Logan as they tossed back shots.

  “Surprise? Where are we?”

  Joshua said, “Welcome to your bachelorette party!”

  “My party’s on a bus?”

  “The bus is the party on the way to the party! Isn’t this epic?” He squeezed past me and Ed to sit next to Rachel. Her smile faltered when he leaned over to kiss her cheek.

  As Ed led me to a seat, he explained. “Originally, this was a joint bachelor/ette party. We were taking you both to a club in downtown LA. The Network packed the place with wedding guests.”

  An entire evening of fun outside the Fishbowl sounded fantastic. Some of the tension fell away from my shoulders when I settled into my seat. “Did you hire a stripper?”