Loving A Cowboy

by Anne Carrole

  “Not going to let that happen.” He wondered how well she was living. By the looks of things, she was getting by—barely. Was she happy? Or just existing? And why did he care?

  “Libby called me after that day. That’s how I knew you were going to be at Pendleton.” She cocked her head to look at him, and he was again struck by how small and frail she seemed. Sparrow-like. “She says she loves you. She wants to marry you.”

  A yearning tingled through Chance at the news. He tamped it down. “Deidre, no offense, but this isn’t any of your business.”

  She straightened in her chair. “Offense taken. Despite everything and your feelings to the contrary, I’m still your mother. I never stopped caring. You don’t believe that. You’ll never forgive me, I know. But you’ve got to at least forgive yourself.”

  Forgive? Himself? Was she addled?

  “I’ve got nothing to forgive. All my life, I’ve tried to do the right thing. Worked like a dog. Married the girl I loved. And when she walked away, I let her be. Found a way to make something of myself. I’ve got nothing to apologize for.”

  “All that’s true. And I’m mighty proud of you, though I recognize it was in spite of me, in spite of our circumstances.”

  “Damn right.”

  Deidre pursed her lips as if in distaste. Maybe he shouldn’t have cursed. But he didn’t like the turn this conversation was taking.

  “But I think…I always thought you felt, as a boy, that you should have taken on your father. You couldn’t, of course. He’d have hurt you, maybe killed you. He wasn’t rational when he drank. He was filled with rage that came from…I don’t know where. But the fact you couldn’t do anything about him I think filled you with anger, and maybe despair.”

  Chance felt like someone had hit him in the solar plexus, like the air had whooshed out of him, leaving him breathless.

  “You don’t know what you are talking about,” he finally said when he could pump oxygen again.

  “None of it was your fault. Much as you don’t want to hear it, you were a victim then, just like me. But you’ve grown up. And someone needs you. Someone who loves you very much.”

  “She’s got Brennan Motors. She’s got her family. She’ll be better off without me.” It was time for him to leave. So why wasn’t he getting up, going?

  “She loves you.”

  “Libby and I have been down this path before. As I said, this is between her and me. She did me a favor walking out on me. Made me realize I’m not cut out for family life.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  He leaned forward, checking the door for his exit route. “I am not afraid of anything. I’m just not cut out to be a family man. That’s what Libby wants. That’s what she needs.”

  “You’re nothing like him, you know. You’ve just rattled off a litany of all the things you’ve done right. You’re nothing like him.” She shook her head. “Nothing. In fact, you remind me a lot of my own father. You remember Granddaddy?” she glanced toward the picture. “You put the light in his eyes. You would trail after him as he went around shoeing horses. The day that horse kicked him in the head and killed him was the worst day of my life. That is, until I had to leave you.”

  Chance felt the memories prodding his heart. “I haven’t thought about Granddaddy for a long time.”

  She leaned forward. “I think about him every day. That’s who you take after. You look like him too.”

  “I take that as a compliment. He was a good man.” Chance took a deep breath, more to center himself than anything.

  “And so are you. And worthy of a girl like Libby. And she’s worthy of a good man like you.”

  Chance didn’t know whether to shoot out the door and escape, or settle back in the sofa, looking for comfort. For some reason, he chose the sofa. “She walked out on me once already.” There was no changing the facts.

  “And haven’t you walked away from her? Are either of you happy about it? You both have had your reasons. Time to find a reason to be together.”

  “We’ve got too much history, too much of it painful.”

  “Emotional hurt is painful, and long lasting, I’ll grant, but love can bring happiness and can be just as long lasting. Look at Libby’s father. I know you don’t much care for his high-handedness, but he loved his wife, loves his family.”

  “And hates me.”

  “Well, he has a funny way of showing it then. When I called looking for you, he’s the one who told me how proud I should be of you. Told me that you reminded him of hisself at your age.”

  “Never said that to me.”

  “Libby is his baby girl. She was way too young for marriage back then, and deep in your heart, I think you’ve known that. She’s grown up now. Seems like she’s got her head on straight and knows what she wants. She’ll make you a fine wife. And you’ll make a fine husband. It’s the truth.”

  “I’ve been looking a long time for the truth. What I get is everyone’s version of it.”

  “Isn’t it past time to reconcile those versions? It takes courage to see the other side, look at things in a different light, change your mind. Like the courage it takes to get back in the saddle and ride the same horse that just bucked you off. One thing I’m convinced you’ve got, son, is courage. Put it to good use.” She gave a clipped nod of her head.

  “I’m sure she told you that Sam had a heart attack. She’s staying with Brennan Motors, just like her old man always wanted. Wants me to live in Wyoming.”

  “And you want to stay with the rodeo. Nothing there says you can’t have both. It will take some working out. Some compromising. But you know it can be done. Rodeo doesn’t require your home base to be in…where’s your ranch? Colorado? Horses like Wyoming prairie grass as much as Colorado mountain grazing.”

  “Sounds like I’m doing all the compromising. That ranch means a lot to me. Means I’ll always have a place to call mine.”

  “Maybe you need a place to call yours and hers. After all, she’ll be alone a lot, raising your children. Helps to have family nearby.”

  “Children? I’m not cut out to be a father. I didn’t have a very good role model, remember.”

  “He surely taught you what not to be. That’s a start. You’ve enough of my daddy in you to build on. She told me what you’ve done for your neighbor’s son. Give yourself a chance. Everyone deserves a second chance…”

  This wasn’t what he expected when he stood outside the apartment door. But maybe this is why he had come. To find out if he was good enough. If he could let the past be and move forward. He looked at the small, thin, worried woman before him, and something softened in his heart.

  “Even you, Mom?” He hadn’t said the word Mom in reference to anyone in over a decade. It should sound strange to his ear. It didn’t.

  Her smile could have lit up half of Oregon. But as quick as it came, her expression turned serious.

  “I’m not asking for a second chance for myself. I don’t deserve it. She does. And you deserve the happiness she’ll bring you. Because if she does anything to hurt you, son, she’ll have me to answer to.” Her smile was back.

  “Spoken like a mother-in-law.”

  “Well, now I’m going to speak like a mother. You’ve got to trust her, but you’ve also got to trust yourself again. Trust your judgment of Libby, your judgment of her sincerity, her love. That takes courage, son.”

  Chapter 22

  Libby curled up on the large sectional with Cowboy snuggled at her side and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s Hazed and Confused ice cream in hand. The flavor’s name perfectly matched her state of mind. How could she have been so wrong about what Chance needed? Even now, the look on his face when he came back from the hotel room haunted her.

  How could she have been so…so Pollyannaish?

  To think that it would all work out simply because she liked his mother, believed her story, and thought Chance would feel the same. But he hadn’t. He’d been seething underneath that controlled veneer of his.
Seething at her meddling. Seething at what he viewed as her betrayal, again. Seething about confronting what he wasn’t ready to confront—would never be ready to confront.

  If the circumstances with her dad and her plea to keep their relationship going even if it meant seeing her in Wyoming had driven him away, why had she thought seeing his mother would have brought him back to her?

  Because she believed in happy endings. Because down to her deepest core, she felt Chance needed to understand the ties that bound people to one another.

  At least she had tried. Just as she had attempted to give him a happy ending years ago by marrying him. Both had been mistakes. Mistakes it was high time she forgave herself for making.

  “You should be going out tonight with Doug. Heard he’s headed to the Cattleman’s Club.” Her father walked to the sofa, looking like his former self, almost.

  It had been weeks since his heart attack, and she’d been gratified to watch him get stronger with each passing day. He’d been keeping, mostly, to healthier foods. He continued to drink decaf coffee, though he drank just as much. He’d been attending cardiac recovery therapy and was talking about enrolling in a gym downtown.

  His weight was down, though he still had a ways to go, and his attitude was upbeat.

  He frequently expressed his happiness at having her onboard, and she, surprisingly, was happy to be onboard.

  When Mandy Prescott had called to offer her the job in Denver, she’d turned it down. She’d told Mandy about her father’s heart attack and her decision to work at the family business. Mandy had been surprisingly supportive, telling Libby she understood the decision since her own grandfather, the head of Prescott Rodeo, was seriously ill, and Mandy wouldn’t think of leaving the business in other hands.

  “I’m good, Daddy.” She scooped another spoonful of ice cream into her mouth and enjoyed the taste sensation of cold chocolate and icy hazelnut.

  “Libby, it’s been weeks since you went to that rodeo with Deidre Cochran. You can’t go on like this.”

  “Like what?” she asked, although she knew exactly what he would answer. He’d been telling her for days.

  “You’ve become a workaholic at the dealership. Every day, 8:00 a.m. until closing. No break. And when you are home, you sit on this couch, watching mindless reality shows and eating ice cream.”

  “It’s all that appeals to me.”

  He let out a long sigh. “It’s not the ice cream. It’s the routine. It’s not healthy. You need some balance. Take it from someone who is paying for years of the wrong routine. You need to get on with your life.”

  She felt the tears swamp her eyes. “I don’t want to get on with my life.” Why should she? It wasn’t the life she wanted. She stroked Cowboy’s soft fur, hoping it would calm her some.

  “So you’re going to stay in a holding pattern, never moving forward?”

  She wasn’t ready to move forward. She didn’t know where forward would lead, but she was sure she wouldn’t like it, so she was in no hurry to get there. “Yes.”

  Her father shook his head, his eyes showing concern. “Look, you’ve got to accept Chance’s decision.”

  “I have accepted his decision. And my ‘routine,’ as you call it, has nothing to do with him. I am putting in the hours at work because, surprisingly, I enjoy it. It’s not at all what I thought it would be. And I’ve got a lot to learn, so I need to put in the time. The rest is just my way of relaxing.”

  At least she was functional. She went to the dealership every day. She’d run tons of analysis on inventory, customers, potential markets, and promotions. And the insights she gained had been paying off. From the price points to the targeted direct mails to the customer service upgrades, she’d seen an uptick in volume. Slow but perceptible. And every moment she focused on work was one less moment she was thinking about Chance. Or her father’s health.

  “And that’s all good. But at what cost to you?”

  “No cost. This is what I want to be doing. Now and in the foreseeable future. Isn’t this what you wanted all along? Your daughter running the business rather than running after Chance Cochran?”

  “I want you to be happy. If I’ve learned anything these last few weeks, it is that life is short. I wish I could knock some sense into that boy.”

  “I thought you were worried about how he’d treat me?”

  Her father nodded. “I was, but if he didn’t do anything when Deidre showed up, well, I can’t think of a bigger button for you to have pushed. By all accounts, he acted decent, even if it didn’t work out like you’d hoped. He’s better than I gave him credit for, I’ll admit. You’re both fine young people who can make a wonderful life together.”

  Libby felt tears sting her eyes. “Now can you convince Chance of that?”

  “I wish I could, baby girl. I wish I could.”

  Suddenly, her father reached for the arm of the couch and slumped onto the cushion, his face an ashen gray.

  Libby’s heart squeezed as she reached for him. “Daddy? Daddy?”

  * * *

  Chance looked over at Lonnie sitting next to him in the passenger seat of his pickup as they sped along the lightly traveled interstate at midday, heading toward one of the last rodeos before the season ended. Lonnie was swiping through his cell phone, no doubt checking his Facebook feed. The guy obsessed over social media and was closing in on a thousand followers.

  “Check out the rodeo, while you’re at it, and see if we know who we’re riding yet,” Chance said.

  After Pendleton, Chance had steadily climbed in the standings, but it hadn’t been enough to get him over the hump. He was sitting at number sixteen in the rankings, just a few hundred dollars behind the guy at number fifteen, the cutoff for the NFR. This event would be his last chance to make it.

  Lonnie, too far back in the standings to catch up, was just being a good friend by accompanying Chance to the event. Of course, Lonnie stood to make a little money too, given the competition would be cowboys chasing that number fifteen spot and not necessarily those who were sitting at the top of the heap.

  “Just checked. They haven’t done the draws yet,” Lonnie said, setting down his cell phone.

  Chance had been thinking a lot lately. A lot about Libby. She still texted him now and again, usually after a win, congratulating him, but he hadn’t answered any of her texts. He hadn’t known what he wanted to say. He’d been trying to figure it out these last few days.

  He loved her. He missed her. Could she forgive him for leaving her when she needed him? And what would Sam Brennan say if Chance did ask Libby to marry him?

  Given her father’s heart attack and Chance leaving Libby when she needed him, would she even see him? Maybe he should just wait until after he knew he had made the NFR and then look her up around the holidays. See how things were faring.

  But what if it was too late? What if Ben had come back to offer support? Or she’d found someone else who would help her through what had to be the toughest time of her life? He should be that someone. He should be that forever someone.

  “Lonnie, would you mind if I dropped you off and headed to Cheyenne?”

  * * *

  Chance stepped out of his truck and into the bright sunshine of a September day. The dealership in Casper was humming as one might expect on a mild Sunday. Colorful sale flags billowed in the gentle breeze.

  Instead of moving on into the showroom, with its tarnished metal-framed architecture screaming 1980s, Chance surveyed the parking lot jammed with cars, mostly the latest Ford models, with huge Discount and For Sale signs covering their front windows. It was clear someone was trying to move inventory.

  The glare off the showroom windows prevented him from seeing inside. It would be easier if he knew she was in there. Easier still if she wasn’t busy.

  Hell, who was he kidding? None of this would be easy, for either of them.

  But then it hadn’t been easy to look up Deidre again. He didn’t know where it would lead with his moth
er, but despite initial intentions otherwise, they’d established a thread of a relationship. Whether that would become something more, he couldn’t say, but he was no longer closed to the possibility. Despite his anger, he’d finally accepted that his mother had tried to spare him. And, strange as it was to admit, maybe she had. He’d been taken from his father. Given to people who were decent. He’d finished high school and lived his rodeo dream.

  If his mother had stayed, endured the beatings, kept drinking, would he have been better off? He couldn’t know for sure, but his gut told him no, and his mother surely wouldn’t have been.

  Her mistake had been in not telling him. In letting him think she had abandoned him. Hadn’t cared. Chance was beginning to understand that she hadn’t contacted him out of fear his father would find her. That realization was followed by another—she’d been weak, beaten down, and he had been too young to do anything to help her.

  When he had recognized he couldn’t do anything to stop his father, he’d felt powerless. And ashamed. And he’d struggled all his life to overcome those feelings.

  He wasn’t powerless to act now. And he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t do something. If he didn’t try. If he let Libby go—again.

  She’d tried her darnedest to convince him she was worthy of his trust and love. And he’d done his darnedest to block any feelings in that direction. But he no longer wanted to hide from the truth. He loved her. He needed her in his life, to be happy. And he was ready to take her on her terms—with her father in tow, if need be. After all, Libby seemed to have enough love to go around.

  Her last attempt at convincing him had been a doozy, what with bringing his mother into things. But he couldn’t say he regretted it.

  He just hoped he hadn’t slammed the door so hard she’d given up on him. If so, he’d have to try to win her back. She’d been persistent—he was determined.