Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  WORST DRUG-SNIFFING DOG

  “Falco,” at the County Sheriff’s Office, Knoxville, Tennessee

  In August 2000 David and Pamela Stonebreaker were driving through Knoxville in their recreational vehicle when sheriff’s deputies pulled them over for running a red light. The cops were suspicious and called for backup: a drug-sniffer named Falco. The dog sniffed outside the vehicle and signalled “positive,” so deputies immediately searched the inside of the RV…and found more than a quarter ton of marijuana.

  But in court, the Stonebreakers’ attorney challenged the search—the dog couldn’t be trusted. It turned out that between 1998 and 2000 Falco had signalled “positive” 225 times and the cops found drugs only 80 times. In other words, the dog was wrong nearly 70% of the time. Falco, the defense argued, was too incompetent to justify searching vehicles based on his “word” alone. The judge agreed and the Stonebreakers (their real name) went free.

  LEAST-WATCHED TV SHOW IN HISTORY

  “In 1978 an opinion poll showed that a French television program was watched by no viewers at all. The great day for French broad-casting was August 14, when not one person saw the extensive interview with an Armenian woman on her 40th birthday. It ranged over the way she met her husband, her illnesses, and the joy of living.…The program was broadcast in primetime.”

  —The Incomplete Book of Failures, by Stephen Pile

  The thyroid cartilage is more commonly known as the Adam’s apple.

  WORST JOCKEY

  Beltran de Osorio y Diez de Rivera, “Iron” Duke of Albuquerque

  The duke developed an obsession with winning England’s Grand National Steeplechase horse race when he was only eight years old, after receiving a film of the race as a birthday present. “I said then that I would win that race one day,” the amateur rider recounted years later.

  • On his first attempt in 1952, he fell from his horse; he woke up later in the hospital with a cracked vertebra.

  • He tried again in 1963; bookies placed odds of 66–1 against him finishing the race still on his horse. (The duke fell from the horse.)

  • He raced again in 1965, and fell from his horse after it collapsed underneath him, breaking his leg.

  • In 1974, having just had 16 screws removed from a leg he’d broken after falling from the horse in another race, he fell while training for the Grand National and broke his collarbone. He recovered in time to compete (in a plaster cast) and actually managed to finish the race while still on his horse—the only time he ever would. He placed eighth.

  • In 1976 the duke fell again during a race—this time he was trampled by the other horses and suffered seven broken ribs, several broken vertebrae, a broken wrist, a broken thigh, and a severe concussion, which left him in a coma for two days.

  • He eventually recovered, but when he announced at the age of 57 that he was going to try again, race organizers pulled his license “for his own safety.”

  The Iron Duke never did win the Grand National, as he promised himself he would, but he did break another record—he broke more bones trying to win it than any jockey before or since.

  Desi Arnaz’s mother was one of the heirs to the Bacardi Rum fortune.

  FAMILIAR PHRASES

  Here’s one of our regular features—the origins of some common terms and phrases.

  THE BALL’S IN YOUR COURT

  Meaning: It’s your turn; it’s up to you

  Origin: “This term comes from tennis, where it signifies that it is the opponent’s turn to serve or play the ball. A British equivalent is ‘the ball’s at your feet,’ which comes from football (soccer), and has been in use much longer. How much longer? Lord Auckland used it figuratively in a letter written in about 1800: ‘We have the ball at our feet.’” (From Southpaws & Sunday Punches, by Christine Ammer)

  TO BEAR DOWN

  Meaning: To put pressure on someone or something

  Origin: “For centuries sailors used the word bear in scores of expressions to describe a ship’s position in relation to the wind, the land, or another ship. Most are still used by sailors today. Bear up, for instance, means to head the ship into the wind. Bear off means to head away from the wind, a phrase sailors came to use figuratively whenever they wanted anything thrust away from their person. Bear down in the original nautical sense meant to approach from the weather, or windward, side. It later came to mean to approach another ship rapidly, pressuring them to yield.” (From Scuttlebutt, by Teri Degler)

  BY THE SKIN OF ONE’S TEETH

  Meaning: By an extremely narrow margin; just barely

  Origin: “A literal translation of a biblical phrase from Latin. The biblical source is the passage where Job is complaining about how illness has ravaged his body: ‘My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth.’ The point is that Job is so sick that there’s nothing left to his body. The passage is rendered differently in other translations; the Douay Bible, for example—an English translation of the Vulgate (St. Jerome’s fourth-century translation)—gives: ‘My bone hath cleaved to my skin, and nothing but lips are left about my teeth.’ The phrase first appeared in English in a mid-16th-century translation of the Bible. It did not become common until the 19th century.” (From Jesse’s Word of the Day, by Jesse Sheidlower)

  State gem of Washington: petrified wood.

  TO EAT ONE OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME

  Meaning: To eat large quantities of someone else’s food

  Origin: “Its first recorded use in English was by William Shakespeare, who used it in his play Henry IV, written in 1597–98. In Act II, Hostess Quickly of the Boar’s Head Tavern is complaining about Sir John Falstaff, who has been lodging with her, eating huge quantities of food, and avoiding paying his bill: ‘He hath eaten me out of house and home, he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his…’ The phrase out of house and home was in use as early as the 13th century, and during the 15th century people often said ‘he hath eaten me out of house and harbor.’ Shakespeare combined the two phrases.” (From Inventing English, by Dale Corey)

  NOT UP TO SNUFF

  Meaning: Below standard

  Origin: “Englishmen were so fond of finely powdered tobacco, or snuff, that its use was nearly universal throughout the kingdom. Connoisseurs would pride themselves on knowing their snuff. One derided as not up to snuff was considered an amateur at judging powdered tobacco. But soon the phrase expanded to any person or product considered to be less than discerning.” (From Everyday Phrases, by Neil Ewart)

  TO PAY THE PIPER

  Meaning: To accept the consequences

  Origin: “Street dancing was a common form of amusement during medieval times. Strolling musicians, including flute players, would play for a dance wherever they could gather a crowd.

  “Frequently a dance was organized on the spur of the moment. Persons who heard the notes of a piper would drop their work and join in the fun. When they tired of the frolic, they would pass the hat for the musician. It became proverbial that a dancer had better have his fun while he could; sooner or later he would have to pay the piper.” (From I’ve Got Goose Pimples, by Marvin Vanoni)

  Scary thought: The great white shark is the only shark that can hold its head above water to observe activity on the surface.

  DUBIOUS ACHIEVERS

  Here are some of the most bizarre world records we could find. How bizarre? One of the record holders is a bacterium.

  I’M SENSING…SURGERY. Since 1979, Fulvia Celica Siguas Sandoval, a transsexual TV clairvoyant from Peru, has had plastic surgery 64 times. More than 25 of the operations have been to her face.

  LIKE A ROCK. St. Simeon the Younger lived from 521 to 597 AD in Antioch, Syria. He spent his last 45 years sitting on top of a stone pillar.

  CONAN THE BACTERIUM. Deinococcus radiodurans can withstand 10,000 times the radiation it would take to kill a human, earning it the title of “World’s Toughest Bacterium.” It was discovered living in swollen tins of
irradiated meat in Oregon in the 1950s.

  SOCK IT TO ME! Britain’s Kirsten O’Brien managed to wear 41 socks at once…all on one foot. She performed the “feet” on the BBC’s Big Toe Radio Show on May 20, 2003.

  THE HOLE-IEST OF RECORDS. Having 600 body piercings is pretty impressive in itself, but in 2002, 28-year-old Kam Ma of Whitburn, England, got 600 piercings in 8 hours and 32 minutes.

  CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY? On June 1, 2000, 566 accordian players gathered at the International Folklore Festival in the Netherlands. For 22 minutes they played folk songs in unison—becoming history’s largest accordian ensemble ever (hopefully).

  PANTS ON FIRE. John Graham (if that is his real name) holds the title “World’s Biggest Liar.” He earned it by telling the most tall tales at the Annual Lying Competition held in Cumbria, England. He’s won the contest five times (or so he says).

  POLITALKS

  Politicians aren’t getting much respect these days—but then, it sounds like they don’t deserve much, either.

  “That is true…but not absolutely true.”

  —Montreal Mayor Jean Drapeau

  “My colleagues and I are upset by this blatant attempt to replace diversity with fairness.”

  —N.J. assemblyman Joseph Doria

  “Solar energy is not something that is going to come in overnight.”

  —Gerald Ford

  “Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?”

  —CIA memo

  “You can’t just let nature run wild.”

  —Gov. Wally Hickel (AK)

  “I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail!”

  —President Joao Baptiste Figueiredo, Brazil

  “Things happen more frequently in the future than they do in the past.”

  —Gov. Booth Gardner (WA)

  “Sometimes in order to make progress and move ahead, you have to stand up and do the wrong thing.”

  —Rep. Gary Ackerman

  “If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.”

  —British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

  “If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”

  —Dan Quayle

  “We’re going to move left and right at the same time.”

  —Gov. Jerry Brown (CA)

  “Facts are stupid things.”

  —Ronald Reagan

  “First they tax our beer, then they tax cigarettes. Now they are going to increase the tax on gasoline. All that’s left are our women.”

  —Sen. John East

  “Sixty years of progress, without change.”

  —Saudi government’s anniversary slogan

  “Gin” comes from the French genièvre, for “juniper.” (Gin is made from juniper berries.)

  HURRICANE HAZEL

  Steve Pitt was born in Toronto on October 15, 1954, during the height of Hurricane Hazel. All his life, people have been telling him hurricane stories. Result: he’s written a book (Rain Tonight), a documentary (Storm of the Century)…and this article.

  BIRTH OF A KILLER

  On October 5, 1954, meteorologists began tracking a massive tropical storm moving west toward the Caribbean island of Grenada. It was the eighth hurricane of the year, so they named it for the eighth letter in the alphabet: Hazel.

  From the outset Hazel was a killer. On October 12, it swept over the island of Hispaniola (Haiti and the Dominican Republic), with devastating results. The storm surge washed away dozens of shoreline villages. Winds as high as 125 mph flattened inland towns. Torrential rains triggered mud slides that buried more than 250 people alive in the mountain town of Berley. At least 1,000 Haitians are estimated to have died within a few hours.

  But the mountains of Hispaniola took their toll on Hazel as well. Hurricanes—essentially swirling masses of humid air—do not climb hills well; they lose energy with every foot. By the time Hazel was clear of Haiti, its wind speed had dropped to a mere 40 mph and meteorologists expected the storm to die before it touched land again. They were wrong. An unusually hot October sun helped recharge the storm, and by the time it passed over Bermuda, Hazel had become a Category 1 hurricane again. As it headed for North America, it grew to a Category 4.

  HURRICANE ALLEY

  Whenever hurricanes land on the eastern seaboard of the United States, they almost always follow the same route. Prevented from moving west by the Appalachian mountain range, they are pushed north by the rotation of the Earth. As a result, the low-lying coastal areas between South Carolina and New England have the rueful nickname “Hurricane Alley.” So far that year, two hurricanes, Carol and Edna, had traveled exactly that route, and on the morning of October 15, Hazel followed in their wake. The eye of the hurricane came ashore near the state line between North and South Carolina and the whole system immediately swung north toward Virginia.

  Some Arctic and Antarctic fish have proteins in their blood that act as antifreeze.

  Hazel caused a record 18-feet-high storm surge along the North Carolina coast, destroying hundreds of buildings and killing more than a dozen people. More records were set as winds gusted over 130 mph, damaging thousands of homes and knocking down whole forests. Crossing into Virginia, Hazel wrenched the battleship USS Kentucky from its moorings and ran it aground in the James River. Continuing north, the winds blasted through Washington, D.C., at 98 mph. Crossing into Pennsylvania, the storm killed 26 people across the state with flash floods and 94-mph winds. But as Hazel approached the Pennsylvania–New York line, its winds fell to less than 40 mph again and the rainfall tapered off dramatically. Hazel was now face-to-face with the Allegheny Mountains, one of the highest ridges in the Appalachian chain. As the hurricane began grinding itself against the 1,500-foot-tall barrier, meteorologists were once again confident that they had seen the last of Hazel.

  IT AIN’T OVER ’TIL IT’S OVER

  Then, like two obliging Boy Scouts pushing an overweight woman over a stone wall, two adjoining weather systems helped Hazel over the Alleghenies. A low-pressure system over central New York State pulled Hazel north and west, while a high-pressure system from the Midwest gave the storm a push from behind.

  Twenty-one more people died from drowning, car accidents, and electrocution from downed power lines as Hazel moved across New York State. But the storm was definitely losing power every mile it moved north. As Hazel moved out over the Great Lakes, it was officially demoted from a “hurricane” to a “severe storm.” Once more, meteorologists predicted the end of the storm. Once more they were wrong.

  A few miles across the border in Toronto, Ontario, residents watched Hazel’s approach with interest but not alarm. After all, Toronto was hundreds of miles from the ocean. Torontonians were used to massive snow storms in winter and blistering heat waves in summer…but hurricanes? The morning papers all predicted that Hazel would pass directly over the city. The official forecast said: “rain tonight.”

  Food for thought: Every year, about 8,000 people die from food poisoning in the U.S.

  Throughout the day, rain fell fast and hard on Toronto. Some basements flooded and some roof shingles flew, but still no one paid much attention to the storm. When the rain stopped at around 10 p.m., most people thought Hazel was finished. Winds had knocked out telephone and power lines, so many people went to bed early. What they didn’t know was that in less than eight hours, Hazel had deposited more than 300 million tons of water just north of the city. The rain landed on farm fields already saturated from a previous week of rain. Unable to be absorbed into the soil, the water began rolling south toward Toronto.

  ROLLIN’ ON THE RIVER

  Toronto is a city built on river ravines. Just before midnight, people living in homes and trailers in those ravines heard a rumble. Looking out their windows, they were astonished to see normally placid streams and creeks suddenly burst over their banks and come rushing straight at their homes. Many people escaped the
ir homes, but more than 80 people died as their homes, cars, and even a Sherman tank were swept down the rivers.

  The next day the military was called out to search the valleys for survivors. There were few. What they found instead were bodies—some buried under four feet of silt and others caught in tree branches 20 feet off the ground. A few bodies, swept out into Lake Ontario, were recovered days later near Syracuse, New York.

  Hazel continued moving north, eventually passing through the Arctic and finally petering out over Scandinavia.

  SILVER LINING

  There will never be another Hazel. Meteorologists officially retired the name out of respect for the families who suffered because of the storm.

  The people of Toronto now know that hurricanes can attack their city. City planners use Hazel’s high water lines as a benchmark for zoning. Land below the water line is zoned as parkland; no one is allowed to build homes or live there. So, from all the devastation Hazel caused, it brought at least one bit of good: Toronto now has one of the largest interconnected park and wildlife sanctuary systems in the world.

  Kayaking is a required subject in Greenland’s schools.

  THE FABULOUS FLYING FLEA

  If you designed and built your own airplane, would you name it after a small, bloodsucking insect? Believe it or not, one man did.

  UPS AND DOWNS

  One day during World War I, a young French soldier named Henri Mignet talked an airplane mechanic into letting him climb into the cockpit of an airplane and taxi down the runway.