Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader
Page 28
It’s estimated the G.I. Joe saved 1,000 lives that day. In 1946 he was awarded the Dickin Medal, Britain’s award for animal gallantry. G.I. Joe retired to the Detroit Zoo until his death in 1961 at the age of 18.
RUPERT TO THE RESCUE!
Lynn Norley had two dogs and a 12-year-old parrot named Rupert. Late one night in February 1998, Norley’s Willistown, Pennsylvania, farmhouse caught fire. The dogs either didn’t know about the fire or didn’t know what to do. But Rupert knew. He screeched loudly until Norley woke up. She managed to get the parrot and the dogs into the second-story bathroom as flames overtook the lower floor. By that time, the smoke had become too much for Rupert and he collapsed in Norley’s arms. Assuming he was dead, she placed the bird’s body in the shower stall before escaping out the window with the dogs.
The next day, Norley somberly picked through the smoldering wreckage in the hopes of finding Rupert, to give him a proper burial. She found him alright—and he was still breathing! Having survived intense heat, smoke, water, and being buried alive, the heroic bird spent the next month in intensive care and, amazingly, recovered. Said a grateful Norley, “I would not be here to tell this story if it wasn’t for Rupert.”
In 1959 former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt made a TV commercial for Good Luck margarine.
CHER AMI TO THE RESCUE!
In the trenches during World War I, 194 soldiers of New York’s 77th Infantry Division got separated from the rest of the American forces in Verdun, France. Completely surrounded by enemy troops, the 77th suddenly realized they were being fired at by their own artillery. Their only method of communication with the outside world: three carrier pigeons.
The soldiers attached a message to the leg of the first pigeon: “Our artillery is dropping a barrage on us. For heaven’s sake, stop it!” That bird was hit by shrapnel…and so was the second bird they sent. Only one remained—a Black Check Cock carrier pigeon named Cher Ami (French for “dear friend”).
Like the others, Cher Ami was hit in midair. But even though his leg was mangled, somehow he kept flying. Then he was hit again, this time through his breast. Still he kept flying. Cher Ami arrived safely with the message barely attached to his dangling leg. Because of the pigeon’s perseverance, the 77th was saved. French officials awarded him the Croix de Guerre for his heroic deed.
Sadly, Cher Ami died as a result of his wounds. His body is on display at the War History branch of the Smithsonian.
SONNY TO THE RESCUE!
At his home in Cheddar, England, 58-year-old Richard Stone was peacefully working in his garden when the emergency brake on his van failed, knocking him down and pinning him to the ground. “Help!” he cried, “I’m trapped under my van!” But no one heard him—except Sonny, a parrot living in an adjacent trailer park.
Doing what parrots do, Sonny repeated what he’d heard, squawking, “Help, I’m trapped under my van!” Two people in the trailer park heard the bird, went to investigate, and then faintly heard Stone’s voice. They immediately located the trapped man and freed him.
According to the parrot’s owner, “Sometimes you won’t get a word out of him. It’s just lucky Sonny was in a talkative mood.”
Long weekend: A day on Mercury is twice as long as a year on Mercury.
IF MURPHY WERE A…
BRI member Aaron Allerman sent us these “laws.” For more great axioms, check out Arthur Bloch’s collection in Murphy’s Law.
…LAWYER
Alley’s Axiom: Justice always prevails…three times out of seven.
Green’s Rule: What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
First Law of Negotiation: A negotiation shall be considered successful if all parties walk away feeling screwed.
Power’s Principle: If the law is on your side, pound on the law. If the facts are on your side, pound on the facts. If neither is on your side, pound on the table.
Potter’s Parking Principle: The person you beat out of a prime parking spot will be the judge in your first case of the day.
Goulden’s Law of Jury Watching: If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than 24 hours, it is certain to vote not guilty, save in those instances when it votes guilty.
Bloom’s Law: The judge’s jokes are always funny.
Andrew’s Law: Honesty is almost the best policy.
…DOCTOR
Dolman’s First Law: The first time you screw up a colonoscopy, your patient will definitely be a lawyer.
First Rule for Interns: Never say, “I’m new at this,” to a patient.
The HMO Principle: The necessary procedure will not be allowed.
Edd’s Law of Radiology: The colder the X-ray table, the more of the body the patient is required to place on it.
The First Rule for Ob/Gyns: All babies are born between midnight and 5:00 a.m.
Morse’s Law of Online Research: Any search for medical information will yield at least one porno site.
Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
Stettner’s Law for Surgeons: Never say “oops,” while your patient is conscious.
Breezy’s Translation: When the doc says, “That’s interesting,” he really means, “Oops.”
Barth’s Distinction: “There are two types of people in the world those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.”
MISSING PARTS
Parts is parts—you can’t let a missing finger, leg, or eye get you down. These folks didn’t.
TYCO BRAHE (1546–1601)
Missing Part: Nose
Known as the father of astronomy, Tyco Brahe compiled the world’s first accurate and complete set of astronomical tables. While a student at the university in Rostock, Germany, he and a fellow student, Manderup Parsbjergh, began quarreling over an obscure mathematical point. The argument went on for weeks, until they decided to settle it with a duel…in the dark…with swords! Result: Parsbjergh sliced off a chunk of Brahe’s nose. Brahe’s vanity wouldn’t let the disfigurement stop him from achieving greatness—in public he wore an artificial nose made of gold and silver.
MORDECAI BROWN (1876–1948)
Missing Part: Index finger
As a pitcher for the Chicago Cubs, Brown helped win four championships in the early 1900s. When he was seven his right hand had gotten caught in a corn shredder—his index finger had to be amputated; his thumb and pinkie were permanently impaired. Three weeks later, while chasing a pig, he broke his other two fingers, which never healed properly. With little more than a stub to pitch with, Brown—known as “Three Finger”—learned to throw a sharp curveball and went on to win 239 major-league games. He was elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1949.
HERBERT MARSHALL (1890–1966)
Missing Part: Leg
The British actor lost a leg fighting in World War I. But being an amputee didn’t stop him from acting. Marshall spent 50 years as a romantic lead on the stage and on the screen starring opposite such stars as Marlene Dietrich in Blonde Venus and Greta Garbo in The Painted Veil. Audiences never even knew that he wore an artificial leg—film directors kept his onscreen movements to a minimum to hide it.
JERRY GARCIA (1942–1995)
Missing Part: Finger
He was four years old when it happened: Jerry and his older brother, Tiff, were splitting wood and playing “chicken” with the ax. Jerry mistimed removing his finger from the block, and Tiff accidentally chopped Jerry’s finger off. It didn’t hold him back, in 1957, at the age of 15, Jerry discovered the guitar and went on to become guitarist and singer for the Grateful Dead.
SARAH BERNHARDT (1844–1923)
Missing Part: Leg
Probably the most famous actress at the turn of the 20th century, Sarah Bernhardt suffered from a festering knee injury and had to have her leg amputated while touring in a production of Jeanne Dore in 1915. But this didn’t stop her. Fitted with a wooden leg, “the Divine Sarah” continued to tour in plays, acted in movies, and even
performed at the front during World War I.
HAROLD LLOYD (1893–1971)
Missing Parts: Thumb and index finger
One of the greatest comedians of the silent movies, Harold Lloyd was posing for a photograph in 1919 when he grabbed a prop—a papier-mâché “bomb”—and lit it with his cigarette. The prop turned out to be a real bomb: it exploded, taking the thumb and index finger from Lloyd’s right hand. But he didn’t let it ruin his career—he just started wearing gloves. And ultimately, Lloyd’s gloves, like his horn-rimmed glasses, became part of his comic persona.
LANA TURNER (1921–1995)
Missing Parts: Eyebrows
For her role as an exotic handmaiden in the 1938 film The Adventures of Marco Polo, Turner shaved off her natural eyebrows and replaced them with fake straight, black ones. Her real eyebrows never grew back, so from that point on Lana Turner either painted or glued on fake eyebrows in every film she made.
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Q: What was the original name of the Jordanian city Amman?
A: Philadelphia.
In 1924 a new Ford cost $265.
HOST WITH THE MOST
The Academy Awards is showbiz’s premier event. Almost as important as selecting the nominees is selecting a celebrity host who can make or break the entire evening.
THE WRITE STUFF
The host of the Academy Awards is expected to be perfect. He’s supposed to be smooth and gracious, funny but not too irreverent; ready with a witty ad-lib if something goes wrong, and most importantly, properly respectful of the evening’s events. And he’s supposed to do it all on live television in front of millions of people. It may look easy from the audience, but it takes a lot of preparation.
When Steve Martin was asked to host the 2003 Academy Awards, he assembled a team of top-notch comedy writers six months in advance of the event. They met at his home in Los Angeles eight times before the big night to prepare “the greatest opening monologue ever.” Martin had a list of nominees, presenters, and stars who might be attending the ceremonies. At each meeting he sat at his laptop while the team of seven jokesmiths tossed out ideas. So who made the team?
• Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize–winning columnist for the Miami Herald since 1983. He has written 24 bestselling humor books and is the subject of the CBS TV show Dave’s World.
• Bruce Vilanch, Hollywood Squares regular and award-winning writer for the Oscar, Emmy, Tony, and Grammy shows as well as for Bette Midler and Whoopi Goldberg.
• Rita Rudner, standup comic and TV host.
• Dave Boone, head writer for Hollywood Squares. An Academy Award veteran, he also wrote material for Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg.
• Andy Breckman, writer for David Letterman and Saturday Night Live. He also created the TV show Monk.
• Beth Armogida, joke writer for Jay Leno and for Drew Carey on Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Average temperature at the South Pole: –56°F. At the North Pole: –21°F.
• Jon Macks, staff writer for The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and an Academy Award veteran.
THE BIG NIGHT
On Oscar night, while Martin stood at the microphone onstage, his comedy advisors were gathered in a small room, just offstage. As he delivered lines like, “A movie star is many things: tall, short, thin, or skinny,” they sat in a semi-circle facing a wall of television screens that showed the audience and the stage. Martin would introduce a presenter and then run to join the team for instant feedback and new jokes. When something unusual happened during the presentation, the writers wrote a few funny lines about it and Martin delivered them seconds later. For example, when Sean Connery appeared in a tuxedo accented with a frilly white front, Martin quipped, “So many people here tonight are wearing Armani but Sean is wearing Red Lobster.”
Martin’s team even handled the most controversial moment of the night with ease. When the outspoken filmmaker Michael Moore accepted his Oscar for Bowling for Columbine, Martin hurried to join his writers backstage. As Moore criticized President Bush for his handling of the war in Iraq, drawing cheers and catcalls in equal measure, the backstage writers went to work. From a list of possible jokes, the writers picked one, refined it, and sent Martin back onstage to ease the tension: “Backstage, it’s so sweet. The Teamsters are helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.”
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Will Rogers, Frank Sinatra, Whoopi Goldberg, Jimmy Stewart, Fred Astaire, Jerry Lewis, Robin Williams, Chevy Chase, David Letterman, and even Paul Hogan hosted the Academy Awards. But who hosted the most?
• Bob Hope hosted 17 times—the most ever. “Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as they’re known at my house, Passover,” he said, referring to his failure to win an Oscar.
• Billy Crystal hosted 7 times, 1990–1993, 1997–1998, 2000.
• Johnny Carson hosted 5 times, 1979–1982, 1984: The first non-movie star to host, he called the ceremony “two hours of sparkling entertainment spread over a four-hour show.”
Of the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World, six are lost. Only the pyramids of Egypt remain.
CELEBRITY LAWSUITS
Here are a few more real-life examples of unusual legal battles involving celebrities.
PLAINTIFF: Michael Costanza
DEFENDANT: Jerry Seinfeld
LAWSUIT: In 1998 Costanza filed a $100 million lawsuit against Seinfeld and the producers of the show Seinfeld, TV’s “show about nothing.” He claimed that the character George Costanza, played by Jason Alexander, was actually based on him. He and Seinfeld had been friends at Queen’s College, he said, and his privacy rights had been violated when his “name, likeness, and persona” were used to create the neurotic George without his permission. He and George even had some of the same jobs, he said. Seinfeld never denied knowing Costanza, but spokesmen for the show insisted that the character was based on the show’s producer, Larry David, not on Costanza. David called Costanza, who was “never that close of a friend to the star,” a “liar” and a “flagrant opportunist.” (Which actually does sound kind of like George.)
VERDICT: Michael Costanza lost. In June 1999, Justice Harold Tompkins wrote, “While a program about nothing can be successful, a lawsuit must have more substance.”
PLAINTIFF: Painter James Abbott McNeill Whistler
DEFENDANT: Critic John Ruskin
LAWSUIT: In July 1877, Ruskin, England’s most famous art critic, wrote a vicious attack on Whistler’s Impressionist painting Nocturne in Black and Gold: The Falling Rocket. Ruskin was not a fan of the still-new, non-traditional style of Impressionism and accused Whistler of trying to sell “unfinished paintings.” He went on to write, “I have seen, and heard, much of Cockney impudence before now; but never expected to hear a coxcomb [a fool] ask two hundred guineas for flinging a pot of paint in the public’s face.” Whistler, an expatriot American who was already famous in his own right for paintings such as Arrangement in Grey and Black (better known as Whistler’s Mother), sued for libel. In one heated exchange, Ruskin’s lawyer asked, “The labor of two days is that for which you ask two hundred guineas?” Whistler responded, “No. I ask it for the knowledge I have gained in the work of a lifetime.” Ruskin himself refused to appear in the courtroom, but his lawyer reported Ruskin’s promise to retire from criticism forever if he lost the case.
At its deepest point, the Pacific Ocean is 36,198 feet deep (about 6.85 miles).
VERDICT: Ruskin lost the case. He lived the rest of his years in seclusion. But Whistler lost, too: the jury gave him a dubious award—one farthing and no court costs. He had to declare bankruptcy, losing his home and most of his personal property to pay the fees.
PLAINTIFF: The states of Arizona, Arkansas, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Michigan, Missouri, North Carolina, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Washington, West Virginia, and Wisconsin, and the District of Columbia
DEFENDANT: Robin Leach
LAWSUIT: In 1999 Leach, former host of the television show Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, appeare
d in ads hawking vacation packages for three Florida-based travel companies. Residents of various states received letters suggesting they had “won” a vacation to Florida and a cruise to the Bahamas. Anyone who claimed the prize received a video in which Leach promised “world-class” vacations and “an experience you’ll never forget.” That last claim turned out to be true. “Winners” ended up paying up to $1,100 for their “free” vacation and instead of ritzy beachfront hotels, got roach-infested motels miles from shore. The “cruise” turned out to be an uncomfortable one-day ferry ride; the “Las Vegas entertainment” was a bingo game. Customers complained, and attorneys general across the country filed suit.
VERDICT: The three travel companies paid millions in restitution to their customers. Leach paid, too: Federal Trade Commission rules say a spokesperson must believe that any claims they make are true, and those beliefs must be based on personal experience. Leach agreed to an undisclosed settlement. “Next time Robin Leach puts his name behind a vacation package promising champagne wishes and caviar dreams,” said Washington attorney general Christine Gregoire, “he’d better know those promises are true.”
Soft rock: The Rock of Gibraltar is mostly grey limestone.
IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD
More proof that truth really is stranger than fiction.
CAGEY PROPOSITION
“In Halberstadt, Germany, in September, an organist kicked off a performance of the late, radical composer John Cage’s ‘Organ 2/ASLSP’ (an acronym somehow derived from ‘as slow as possible’), which was written for 20 minutes, but thanks to technology and imagination, will be performed over a period lasting 639 years. The first six months will be devoted to creating the organ’s first note. The purpose of the performance is to contrast the piece with the frenzied pace of modern society.”