The Specialty of the House

by Stanley Ellin

  For these reasons, immediately after he graduated summa cum laude from the School of Commerce of New England University, Charles went to the New York office of Evergreen Enterprises, Inc., and applied for a position. He was placed in the hands of the Personnel Department, interviewed at length, confronted with batteries of tests, and reinterviewed. He was also informed that this process was only a method of appraising whether or not he would be allowed to face a final and fateful interview with P. O. D. Evergreen himself. So assiduous was this paragon among executives in seeking the right man for the right job that every deserving applicant for a place in his company’s managerial staff had to be judged by him personally.

  At last came the day when Charles was led into the office where behind a magnificent desk sat his idol, master of the greatest industrial empire on earth, boon companion to presidents and kings – yet, withal, a simple, unprepossessing figure, almost fatherly in the way he dismissed his secretary and waved Charles to a seat.

  He said, ‘Well, my boy, we are going to have a little talk, and I think you will find it a strange one. In fact, I think you will find it shocking in some ways. That is because we are going to talk without using any of the cant, any of the mealy-mouthed and sugar-coated language on which you have, no doubt, been raised. Don’t misunderstand me. I have no objection to fine moralistic and sociological jargon as it is used outside the confines of this office. In fact, I publicly indulge in it myself with the consolation that it’s good business to deliver what the customer wants. But within these four walls I will have no part of it. Do you understand that?’

  Charles assured him that he did.

  ‘Excellent. Now tell me in plain, unvarnished words why you wish to work for this company.’

  Charles was prepared for that one. He said, ‘I am looking for the biggest and best market for my talents. There I can perform a worthwhile public service which—’

  The look in the President’s eye stopped him short. P. O. D. Evergreen waited a moment and then said gently, ‘My boy, you are being glib. I have not asked you to prepare a tract for the conversion of the benighted heathen – that is not our business here. Or are you under the impression that it is?’

  Charles hung his head.

  ‘Come, come,’ said P. O. D. Evergreen, ‘there is no need to look so downcast. You have started off badly, true, but so has every other applicant I ever interviewed. It is necessary to draw up this sanctimonious bilge before we can reach the crystal waters beneath it. And even then I find that some applicants persist in defining their motives in such terms as security and status. This would be fatal to your prospects, my boy. I want you to use the honest equivalents – money and power – in discussing this matter. Because, in a nutshell, these are your motives, aren’t they?’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ Charles said, somewhat shaken. ‘I don’t believe I’ve ever thought of it like that.’

  ‘Of course you have. You’ve simply been allowed to conceal the awareness of it from yourself by the vocabulary you’ve been instructed in. You want security, my boy, in terms of wealth that you can spend freely, and you want status based on a position of power. The greater the power you wield, the loftier the status. And I heartily approve of that – just as I approve of your coming to Evergreen Enterprises, where such ambitions can best be gratified. Evergreen Enterprises is, as you put it yourself, the biggest and the best. Do you have any idea why?’

  ‘Well, for one thing, the many products—’

  ‘No, no, don’t go off on that track. We supply nothing to the consumer that many another company does not supply as conveniently. And sometimes even more cheaply, for that matter.’

  Charles desperately grasped at a straw. ‘Efficiency, then? It is widely believed that Evergreen Enterprises operates at a level of efficiency unknown to any of its competitors.’

  ‘Right you are, my boy, and there’s your answer. From the lowliest Junior Executive up to the Chairman of the Board, efficiency is the credo here. And the way we obtain it is the secret of our success. That secret enables us to find the most talented managerial team in the world, to hold that team together year in and year out with absolutely no turnover – an incredible feat in itself, you must admit – and to draw maximum effort from it at all times. What do you think of that?’

  Charles said with deep feeling, ‘I have always felt my place was here, sir. I am more certain of it than ever.’

  ‘I am glad to hear you say so – it shows the kind of spirit we are looking for. But I wonder if you will feel the same after I fully explain what would be expected of you as a member of this team. In all fairness, my boy, I must warn you that this explanation will put you to your hardest test.’

  He spoke with a kindliness that touched the youthful applicant. Charles was full of resolve to prove his mettle. He said quietly, ‘I am ready to meet any test, sir.’

  ‘I hope so. And I will get down to cases by saying that before I founded this organization I carefully studied the problems of others in this field. One weakness was quickly discernible in all of them: they simply could not get full value from their executives. Every high-salaried man of them had been so saturated by the moralistic nonsense he had been reared on that he could not release himself entirely to his job, where, of course, realistic attitudes must prevail. There was always a chasm between what he had been taught to be as a youth and what he had to practice on his company’s behalf. Inevitably this made him guilt-ridden and subject to neuroses. It was a common condition. Still is, for that matter, but not here. Among the upper echelons of Evergreen Enterprises you will find only men who are well-balanced, well-adjusted, always ready and willing to give their best to the job.’

  ‘But how was that achieved, sir?’ Charles asked with eager interest.

  ‘Very simply, my boy. Have you ever heard of the seven deadly sins?’

  ‘I have. My father is a minister, and so I am well-informed on the subject.’

  ‘That is all in your favor. Can you name them for me?’

  ‘I can,’ said Charles. ‘They are pride, envy, anger, sloth, avarice, gluttony, and lust.’

  ‘Quite right. And have you ever indulged in any of them?’

  Charles remained speechless.

  ‘Oh, come, come, my boy,’ said P. O. D. Evergreen jovially. ‘There is no need to blush, no need to dissemble. If it is any comfort to you, let me say that I don’t regard these alleged sins as sins as all. Why, they are the very foundations on which morale is built here!’

  Charles scented a trap. ‘Are they?’ he said warily.

  ‘They are, indeed. Now force yourself to think of them, not as sins, but as virtues, and see if you do not immediately feel a great sense of release. Of ease, of assurance, of well-being. Aha, I see from your expression that you do. It’s a remarkable feeling, isn’t it?’

  He was right. But then doubts flooded in on Charles. He said, ‘I don’t see—’

  ‘You will, my boy, you will.’

  The doubts remained. Charles said, ‘But let us take pride, for example. If I demonstrated it, wouldn’t that stir up resentment against me?’

  ‘Yes, but it would also advertise your worth to those who should know about it and otherwise might not. Imagine that you are working here in a lowly position. You come up with a good and profitable idea. In another company your immediate superior might steal that idea and claim credit for it. But here you are expected to express your pride in it so loudly that credit goes rightfully to you.’

  ‘That is what I mean. This will undoubtedly make my immediate superior and many others bitterly envious of me.’

  ‘It will, indeed. They will be eaten by naked envy until they come up with an idea to surpass yours. Then it will be your turn again. In this way we all prosper. Civilization is built on envy. The human race has always profited from it. Let us not disparage it.’

  Charles pondered this. ‘But,’ he said challengingly, ‘what about anger then? Surely, anger can’t be made profitable in any case.’ />
  ‘No? Then imagine your precious idea put into the hands of an underling for commission, and badly botched through his ineptitude or neglect. How are you to protect yourself against a repetition of such a disaster? Through anger, my boy – violent anger turned against the offender so that the lesson is well learned. When word gets out that you have a reservoir of anger always in store, you will find your instructions carried out with uncanny efficiency. There’s a magic virtue in unrestrained bad temper, believe me.’

  ‘Yes, I can see that,’ Charles admitted. ‘And I suppose that sloth, too – no, I’m afraid I can’t see the businesslike virtue in sloth.’

  ‘Because you are still young and unrealistic. But sloth in its many forms – the surreptitious coffee break, the added time at lunch, the napping at the desk, yes, and a dozen other variants – is the finest possible tool for sharpening the wits. Not to be caught, that is the trick. The executive role is not for the drudge; it is for the one who has best developed the immense skill needed to conceal his sloth.’

  ‘That is hard to believe,’ said Charles.

  ‘But nonetheless true. Show me the man eternally drudging away at the details of his job and I’ll show you a born clerk. Show me the man who seems to be drudging away and isn’t, and I’ll show you a future Chairman of the Board.’

  Charles was glad to hear this. Despite his feverish ambition he was naturally slothful. That had worried him at times, but he could see that it need worry him no longer.

  P. O. D. Evergreen said, ‘Yes, and the rest of those so-called vices are the soundest of virtues, too, when you view them honestly and intelligently. Avarice I hardly need speak of: it is the driving force behind any man worth his salt. And gluttony and lust have very much come into their own today – speaking, of course, in practical terms. The Evergreen Enterprises man who attends conventions or travels on business is the representative of the company in every way. If he can out-eat, out-drink, and out-copulate all competition, the prestige he earns goes to the company, and with it more business. Of course, we provide him with an obvious advantage. He is expected to engage in these activities without guilt or inhibition. No one will ever ask him to answer for his expense account or his morals. He is truly a free man.

  ‘You see, my boy, there is nothing mysterious about our success here. Our standards are the usual ones, but instead of feeling guilty when you exercise them, you must see how wise and sane they are, and must glory in them. That is all there is to it.’

  The bright vista of the future swam before Charles’ eyes in a golden haze. He said, ‘How simple and logical it all seems. Yet, how inspired it is. To let a man always be himself, to have him act naturally at all times—’

  ‘Yes, my boy, and to have this be the very means by which he advances himself – well, it was inspired, I’ll admit that. But then, such inspirations are my job. If I couldn’t come up with them now and then, I would have no right to occupy my high position.’

  His friendly tone filled Charles with assurance. He said boldly, ‘I envy you that high position, sir. I would like nothing better than a chance to oust you from it and take your place.’

  P. O. D. Evergreen rose to his feet and thrust out a hand. ‘And that chance you shall have, my boy. If I had any doubts about your good qualities, they are completely settled by what you have just said.’ He shook Charles’ hand with a powerful grip. ‘There, that is all the contract we need. I am sure that you have a great deal to offer Evergreen Enterprises; in return, it offers you a limitless future. When do you wish to start?’

  ‘At once,’ said Charles.

  ‘Good. Then I shall give you your final instructions now. For one thing, you will remember that our little talk here was entirely confidential. Our competitors will inevitably discover the solution to their problem, but there is no point in helping them do it. Moreover, if you were to confide what was said here to the world at large it would be misunderstood, and you would be the sufferer. You understand that, of course.’

  ‘I do.’

  ‘I am sure you do. Then tomorrow you will start as assistant to the head of a department. You will spend one year at that assignment, and it will be a year of probation, more or less. Everything depends on how you conduct yourself during that period. Then you will report to me and I will decide whether or not you are qualified to become a full executive.’ He smiled engagingly at Charles. ‘As you can see, my boy, I like to pull all the strings myself.’

  There was a weariness in the way he said it that made Charles feel suddenly humble. It was easy to see why this man commanded the fierce loyalty that he did.

  ‘You can count on me, sir,’ Charles said. He rose from his chair, not wanting to overstay his leave. ‘Is there anything else?’

  ‘There is, my boy, but you must learn it for yourself through experience. Good luck in that.’

  It was one year later to the day when Charles was again summoned to the office of his President. He knew that he had done well during the year. Driven by ambition, guided by the good counsel given him, he had striven valiantly to make his mark. Yet, when he entered the presence of P. O. D. Evergreen he felt some apprehension. Were his efforts known? Would they be appreciated? He wondered about that.

  P. O. D. Evergreen put his fears to rest at once. He said with affection, ‘My boy, you have acquitted yourself nobly. I have received many reports on you, and all of them make clear not only your many talents but also the degree of hatred and respect you inspire in your department. That is your most gratifying testimonial. You will be put in charge of that department.’

  Charles struggled for words. ‘I owe it all to you, sir,’ he said with an effort.

  ‘No, no, my boy. It is your own spirit, your determination to succeed at all costs, that must get the credit. But tell me one thing. You have lived by my precepts for a year. During that time have you ever found yourself doubting their wisdom and merit?’

  ‘Never,’ Charles said, striking the desk before him with his fist. ‘Not even when I considered that by following them to the letter I was irrevocably consigning my immortal soul to hell!’

  ‘Hell?’ P. O. D. Evergreen rose and stood there, a towering figure suddenly unearthly in his majesty. ‘You dare use that word here?’ Then his eyes grew warm with nostalgia; his words came gently, filling Charles with awful enlightenment. ‘From here to eternity, my boy, you must think of it only as – The Home Office.’

  The Nine-to-Five Man

  The alarm clock sounded, as it did every weekday morning, at exactly 7:20, and without opening his eyes Mr Keesler reached out a hand and turned it off. His wife was already preparing breakfast – it was her modest boast that she had a built-in alarm to get her up in the morning – and a smell of frying bacon permeated the bedroom. Mr Keesler savored it for a moment, lying there on his back with his eyes closed, and then wearily sat up and swung his feet out of bed. His eyeglasses were on the night table next to the alarm clock. He put them on and blinked in the morning light, yawned, scratched his head with pleasure, and fumbled for his slippers.

  The pleasure turned to mild irritation. One slipper was not there. He kneeled down, swept his hand back and forth under the bed, and finally found it. He stood up, puffing a little, and went into the bathroom. After lathering his face he discovered that his razor was dull, and discovered immediately afterward that he had forgotten to buy new blades the day before. By taking a few minutes more than usual he managed to get a presentable, though painful, shave out of the old blade. Then he washed, brushed his teeth carefully, and combed his hair. He liked to say that he was in pretty good shape since he still had teeth and hair enough to need brushing.

  In the bedroom again, he heard Mrs Keesler’s voice rising from the foot of the stairway. ‘Breakfast, dear,’ she called. ‘It’s on the table now.’

  It was not really on the table, Mr Keesler knew; his wife would first be setting the table when he walked into the kitchen. She was like that, always using little tricks to make the house r
un smoothly. But no matter how you looked at it, she was a sweetheart all right. He nodded soberly at his reflection in the dresser mirror while he knotted his tie. He was a lucky man to have a wife like that. A fine wife, a fine mother – maybe a little bit too much of an easy mark for her relatives – but a real sweetheart.

  The small annoyance of the relatives came up at the breakfast table.

  ‘Joe and Betty are expecting us over tonight, dear,’ said Mrs Keesler. ‘Betty called me about it yesterday. Is that all right with you?’

  ‘All right,’ said Mr Keesler amiably. He knew there was nothing good on television that evening anyhow.

  ‘Then will you remember to pick up your other suit at the tailor’s on the way home?’

  ‘For Betty and Joe?’ said Mr Keesler. ‘What for? They’re only in-laws.’

  ‘Still and all, I like you to look nice when you go over there, so please don’t forget.’ Mrs Keesler hesitated. ‘Albert’s going to be there, too.’

  ‘Naturally. He lives there.’

  ‘I know, but you hardly ever get a chance to see him, and, after all, he’s our nephew. He happens to be a very nice boy.’

  ‘All right, he’s a very nice boy,’ said Mr Keesler. ‘What does he want from me?’

  Mrs Keesler blushed. ‘Well, it so happens he’s having a hard time getting a job where—’

  ‘No,’ said Mr Keesler. ‘Absolutely not.’ He put down his knife and fork and regarded his wife sternly. ‘You know yourself that there’s hardly enough money in the novelties line to make us a living. So for me to take in a lazy—’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Mrs Keesler. ‘I didn’t mean to get you upset about it.’ She put a consoling hand on his. ‘And what kind of thing is that to say, about not making a living? Maybe we don’t have as much as some others, but we do all right. A nice house and two fine sons in college – what more could we ask for? So don’t talk like that. And go to work, or you’ll be late.’