by M Dauphin
“You’re home!” she says, holding her beer in one hand and a burnt piece of what looks to be garlic bread in another.
“Sorry I’m late,” I smile.
“I cooked!” She rushes over and plants her lips on mine, dropping the toast on the table. “I missed you,” she whispers on my lips. I grin and pull her hips against mine.
“I fucking missed you too.”
“So I made dinner,” she huffs, walking back into the kitchen. “Spaghetti. It’s Chris’ favorite so I thought I’d try it on you.”
“It smells delicious.”
“It smells like burnt shit on bread in here. Don’t lie.” She sets a bowl in front of me.
“Fork or spoon?” Her eyebrows crunch together and I stare at her.
“Um… fork?” She nods and brings it to me.
“Is it weird I didn’t know that?”
“No. It’s weird you eat spaghetti with a spoon.”
She shrugs and grins, grabbing herself a bowl and sitting next to me at the table.
We’ve started using this table for more than fucking and bill collecting. It’s nice having her here… it’s more than fucking nice.
I never want her to leave.
She’s being quiet, eating slow, and poking at her food like it’s going to attack her. Something’s wrong with her…
“How was the shop today?”
“Oh... great, fine.”
“Dinner’s amazing, Lo.” It’s no lie, I fucking love it. This is the shit homemade meals are made of. It’s more than likely not the most healthy of dinners but who gives a fuck when it’s this delicious? This is how couples get old and fat together, but as long as I’m with Lo I don’t give a damn.
“Thank you.” She smiles over at me and shoves a bite into her mouth.
“Hey, what’re you doing tomorrow?” I know the answer but I’m not about to tell her that.
“Saturday. Sleeping.” She nods and grins up at me, making me laugh.
“Good. I have plans for us.”
Her face brightens a bit and she cocks her head in question.
“Nope. It’s a surprise.”
“I hate surprises,” she says, narrowing her eyes.
“I think you hated me at first too. You’ll learn to love it, just like you’ve learned to love me.”
“I never hated you!” She smiles and I grin.
“I know.” I wink at her and take our bowls to the sink, rinsing them off before tossing them in the dishwasher.
“I’m gonna hop in the shower,” she says from behind me.
“Okay,” I answer, but she’s already down the hall and probably didn’t even hear me.
I text Chris as I hear the water turn on. He and I have actually been talking a ton more this last month and something’s changed with the man, and he’s opened up a lot. I can honestly say he’s quickly becoming one of the closest friends I’ve ever had outside my brother.
Me: talk to your sister today?
Almost immediately I get a reply.
Chris: Earlier. She okay?
Me: Just acting weird. Wanted to make sure your demon mother didn’t get a hold of her.
Chris: Tomorrow marks a year. I’m surprised she didn’t tell you.
“Fuuuuck me.” I groan. How the hell did I not know this?
I storm to the bathroom, tearing off my clothes as I go, and when I slide the curtain over I see her standing in the steamy stream of water, covering her face as the tears fall.
“Oh baby,” I mutter, pulling her to me.
“I’m not weak. I fucking hate this, but I’m not weak.”
“I know, Lo. You’re the strongest woman I know.”
I hold her there for what feels like ages. I hold her until the water runs cold and goosebumps start to form on her skin, and when I wrap her in a towel and take her to bed, she curls into me and the tears start to flow again.
“I can’t turn them off,” she whispers. “If I try, then I feel so guilty… like if I’m not crying, then I’m forgetting… and I don’t want to forget.”
“Hey, listen to me.” I sit us up and look her straight in the eyes. She needs to fucking hear this. “Life gives us shitty things sometimes and you’ve been dealt the shittiest of hands. I swear to God if that had happened to me I wouldn’t be standing right now. Shit happens and sometimes there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. It’s okay to break down, it’s okay to have moments where you think you can’t go on, but you will get through this. You will own it and you will find yourself again. Living your life to the fullest isn’t forgetting about your son, Lo. You don’t think he’d want you to be happy?”
She sniffles and takes a breath, dropping her eyes.
“You know, even at five years old I feel like he knew more about the world than I did sometimes.” She looks up at me with red rimmed eyes and a blotchy face but she’s never looked more beautiful and pure. “He told me a few weeks before he died that he was proud I was his mommy and he’ll be waiting for me in heaven.” She hiccups at the last of her words and the tears start flowing but she does nothing to stop them. “He wasn’t scared… I was. I needed that little boy to live, and no one understood that.” She loses it and fuck my heart breaks.
God this hurts watching her like this.
I wrap my arms around her and as a tear slips down my cheek I clear my throat and hold her tighter, because that’s all I can do for her right now.
We fall asleep wrapped around each other and I lay in bed for hours, trying to think of anything but the pain she’s going through but I can’t. I can’t fix her pain, but I can try to help her see the bright things in life again. Tomorrow’s going to be hard, but it’s my goal to make sure she makes it through the day smiling as much as she can.
“Come on, I have something for you.” I say, hopping out of bed the minute I notice the sun coming through the blinds.
She looks at me funny and I grin. “Up!” I bark with a smile on my face.
She rolls her eyes and stretches, then she throws on a pair of pants and one of my t-shirts. With no makeup and her hair on a pile on the top of her head, I fall in love all over again with this woman.
“Where are we going?” she mutters, sliding into my car.
“To get Emma.” I smile at her and her soft smile warms my heart.
“She’s cute.”
“She is. She’s going to be so excited for today.”
“Did you let your sister in law know we were coming?” She’s staring out the window, her arms wrapped around her stomach, so I reach over and open her, holding tight to her hand.
“I did.” I nod.
“And what are we doing today?”
“You’ll see.” I smile wide at her and she shakes her head at me.
Paisley is more than happy to let go of Emma for the day. The girls definitely had a major turn of lifestyle when Brandon died, and I can tell Paisley isn’t taking it well... but other than helping with the girls, there’s no other way I can help.
“How’s work going, Jett?” Paisley innocently asks from across the room and I look up at Lo who’s about to tell her off for this whole ordeal but the look I give her shuts her up in her tracks. It’s not Paisley’s fault I’m in this situation right now.
“Just fine,” I huff, busying myself with the kids.
“I’m sure there’s a lot Brandon left that you weren’t aware of,” she sighs.
“You could say that,” I growl. More than you know. I watch Lo roll her eyes and huff.
“How are you doing, Lo?” She asks as I finish packing Emma’s bag across the room. The two of them haven’t ever talked as far as I can tell but Pais is acting like she knows Lo.
Interesting.
“I’m good. Thanks.” Lo plants that fake smile on and crosses her arms again. She’s full of so much pain today and she’s holding it all inside like a fucking pro.
I don’t want her to hold it in. I need her to be able to let it out and move on with her daily life.
I need her to live.
“You ready!” I clap my hands at Emma and she smiles wide, super excited to have a day with us.
“Yea, let’s go!” She runs to the car and I follow, leaving Lo inside with Paisley. They follow shortly after, as soon as the car seat is locked and loaded in the car.
“You guys have fun,” Paisley says, then turns to Lo. “Call me if you ever need someone to talk to.”
I watch Lo smile sadly at her and reach out, resting her hand on Paisley’s elbow.
“Same to you. I mean it.”
Paisley nods and waves as we drive away with a very excited child in the back seat.
“Where are we going, Uncle Jett?” She screams… probably because she only has one noise level today.
“You really want to know?”
“I do!”
I smile, “You really really want to know?” I taunt.
“Yes!”
“I think we’re going to the grocery store,” Lo chimes in, grinning back at Emma.
“Nooooo,” she pouts and I chuckle.
“What about I take you to Klanouk Animal center like I did that one time. We can spend the day playing with puppies?” I raise an eyebrow and glance over at Lo who’s glaring at me.
“Puppies!!!” Emma shrieks and starts clapping.
“A day with animals?” Lo narrows her eyes at me.
“You love animals. Said so yourself.” I shrug, praying she’s not pissed.
Her face contorts into this weird grin and she barks out a laugh.
“Just the way I needed to spend today,” she sighs, taking my hand in hers and moving her gaze out the window.
Here’s to hoping today isn’t a flop.
I don’t know how he did it, but he knew exactly what I needed today. He must have talked to my brother, because not once has he mentioned today’s significance, but he’s dealing with it like a true gentleman in love.
I love him.
I fucking love this man. I’m still blown away as to how he managed that one. It’s only been a few months but I know- he’s it.
“Lo!” Emma giggles from across the room where one of the puppies won’t stop licking her face. We’ve been in this room playing with a new litter of puppies for a couple hours now and just the joy on her face is making every other worry today melt away.
I smile and laugh from my perched spot on the bench, petting a small black runt that doesn’t feel like playing with everyone else.
“You seem to have taken a liking to that one,” Jett says, walking over holding a bulldog pup.
“He looks like you.” I grin and he chuckles, pressing the puppy to his cheek.
“I thought so too. Maybe I’ll bring him home.” He kisses its head and it squirms to get at his hair, scratching at him and whining.
“Bulldogs are actually a pretty high maintenance dog. What with the skin folds needing cleaned and the skin problems, and let’s not talk about the vet bills that’ll start to rack up when it gets sick.”
“Good thing I know a vet.” He winks at me and my heart flops in my chest.
“I’m not a practicing one,” I say after him as he walks way, but he ignores me. “I could be though,” I mutter, suddenly feeling like some of my life choices this past year have been poorly decided. Being here today has reminded me of my love for these furry creatures.
Yes, I was dealing with a crisis… and I had no one to help me wade through everything. I have Jett now, and he’s going to make sure I don’t fail. Hell, I’m going to make sure I don’t fail this time around… for both of us.
“Can we see the kitties now, uncle Jett?” Emma asks, still carrying around one of the pups. Good thing dogs are pretty resilient – she’s been man-handling them all day but they love it. I smile down at her and crouch down, petting the puppy she’s carrying.
“I think your uncle is allergic to cats,” I lie, but he looks so content in the corner with the dogs crawling all over him. “But I can take you.” I glance over at Jett and he’s watching with awe in his eyes as he pets the bulldog pup he won’t put down while being mauled by the others that want attention.
“You ok if we switch it up for a bit?”
“Absolutely. Rex and I are having fun.”
“Rex, huh? You named him?”
“It fits. He’s got tiny arms and he’s feisty.”
“You named a shelter dog, Jett. That’s one step closer to taking him home.” I grin at him and he shrugs, standing and taking Rex out the back door to go play outside for a bit.
Emma and I spend an hour playing with the cats. Cats haven’t ever been my most favorite animal, but they’re sweet in their own regard. At least to a three year old little girl who just wants to snuggle them. I think they sense my apprehension because on more than one occasion I have to jump out of the way when one attacks my ankle. It’s worth it, though. Watching Emma’s face brighten when one gives her attention is worth anything. A child’s joy… it’s exactly what I needed today.
It’s afternoon before we break for lunch. I’m starving but I think Jett and Emma could go a few hours longer at this rate. The two of them together are a team of giggles and laughter as they work their way through the shelter, playing with each animal. Even the fish… she named one Fred. I can’t get over how amazing Jett was with her all day. He’s a natural with kids and with animals. How did I find a man this perfect? And then when he lifts and spins her? Ovary. Explosion.
“I think she’s a little worn out,” he whispers from the front seat, glancing in the child mirror on his rearview. We’ve filled up on chicken nuggets and the blank stare Emma’s giving the window tells me she’ll be out soon.
“Sam used to get that look right before naptime,” I whisper. Jett glances over wearing this sad smile and reaches over, taking my hand.
“I bet he looked just like you,” he whispers.
“He did. Thank God,” I scoff, laughing to myself.
“What ever happened to his dad, Lo?” Jett’s thumb gently caresses my hand as he slows the car to a stop in a parking lot. “We’ll let her sleep for a bit.” He nods to the back and grins.
“He was never around,” I answer, skirting the question.
“How can a man just not be there for his kid… or the fucking mom?” he growls and I grin.
“Well to be honest he never even knew he had a kid,” I shrug. “I was young, I liked to party, and honestly I don’t know who the dad is. It was a weekend away on the east coast that landed me pregnant.” I smile at the memories of that weekend. It was fun, and it was completely worth it even though it changed my life permanently.
I look over at Jett and he’s nodding, staring out the windshield.
“Did I finally take all your words away?”
“I couldn’t imagine not knowing I had a kid.” He whispers. “I mean, not that I blame you- you’re a country apart and you had no clue whose it even is, but still…” He spins to look at Emma. “They’re beautiful creatures. I’m sorry you had to go through that all alone, Lo.”
I take a ragged breath, grinning and letting out a chuckle because if I don’t I’ll start to cry.
“It’s been a year, you know,” I whisper and he nods, his hand squeezing mine.
“I know. Your brother told me.”
“Figured,” I sniffle, letting a tear fall and cursing. “Sorry.” I take a few deep breaths and dry my eyes.
“You want to go see him? I can stay in the car with Em while she sleeps.” His face is painted with love and understanding as I slowly nod and without another word he puts the car in drive and heads across town to the little cemetery.
“I won’t be long,” I manage, opening the car door.
“Take as long as you need, Lo. She’ll be out for a while.” I smile and steel myself, closing the door gently.
It’s starting to get cooler outside. It never gets too cold here, but fall is well underway so it’s about time. The trees are rustling in the wind and the leaves crunch under my
feet. Last year it was raining, but the way the sun shines today it doesn’t look like that’s happening any time soon.
When I look up the hill towards Sam’s grave my stomach drops at the sight in front of me.
“Chris?” I blurt, walking faster. He turns as he hears my steps approaching and I see his red eyes.
Good. At least the man knows how to show emotion, even if it is in private.
“What are you doing here?” He asks, clenching his jaw and leaving his hands clasped in his lap holding a teddy bear. The knot in my throat threatens to spill over all the emotion inside of me right now, but I steel myself and cross my arms.
“I could ask you the same thing,” I huff, glaring at him. “You never come out here.”
“I come out here every week, Lo. He’s my nephew.” He glares right back, and before I know it it’s as if the entire last year didn’t happen. All the pain I felt a year ago today is back tenfold watching my brother sit here and cry over the loss of a nephew he never paid much attention to. I drop to the ground next to him and let him wrap his arms around me as I cry tears I’ve been holding back an entire year. Tears for mourning… but not for myself. For Chris.
“I thought you didn’t care about him,” I manage and he sits back.
“I know,” he whispers, looking down at the bear. “You know, I bought this when he was born. I was so mad at you for ruining your life, but I was also ecstatic I was going to be an uncle.” He smiles and shakes his head. “I never gave it to him because… well you shut me out. Rightfully.”
“You called me a whore, Chris,” I whisper.
“I did. I was angry… but I think I was more jealous than anything. I always wanted the family life, Lo. And you were getting it while I was working my life away.”
“It wasn’t much of a family life, Chris,” I scoff. “I worked hours on end just to make ends meet. Barely.”
He nods silently and we sit there in silence, taking in the world around us. My brother being here really threw me off today, but I can’t say it’s made me mad. I’m happy he’s here. I’m happy he knows how to show some sort of emotion. I was starting to get worried.