The Song of the Quarkbeast

by Jasper Fforde

  ‘Doorknobs,’ growled Boo, ‘find the warm one.’

  It was Moobin who found the correct room, and when Patrick had once again torn the door from its hinges we found a small paint store with a vaulted ceiling and a single window high up in the end wall. Perkins was lying cuffed, bound and gagged near the doorway, and at the far end of the chamber were two equal but opposite Quarkbeasts.

  One of them was the one I had seen around town earlier, but the other was mine – the one I had lost up on the Dragonlands. Every detail was the same: the sixth thoracic scale slightly askew, the right front dew claw missing, and even the single white foot. My Quarkbeast was back. I took all this in on that first glance, and also noted a high-pitched hum in the air. But another and much more pertinent fact trumped all others for my attention: the Quarkbeasts were almost touching. Our thousand seconds were up.

  ‘Still!’ said Boo, and we all froze. The low hum rose in pitch as the Quarkbeasts moved closer to one another, increasing again to a whine as they nearly touched, then dropping again as they moved a few inches apart. This was the Song of the Quarkbeast. Those that have heard it are now little more than dust. But if I was to die, then I was glad to have heard it. It was a lonely song. One of lament, of unknown knowledge, a song of resignation, and of love and poetry given and received. The small movements that the Quarkbeasts made as they padded around one another altered the hum so subtly that it sounded like an alto bassoon, but with one single note, infinitely variable. But it wasn’t a song of peace, love or happiness; it was a requiem mass – for all of us.

  We all stood stock still. No one dared move in case the Quarks became startled and recombined either through fear, mischief or boredom.

  I said the first thing that came into my head.

  ‘Hello, boy.’

  The new Quarkbeast turned to look at me and its mauve eyes flashed a sense of recognition. It looked at its partner, then at me again.

  ‘I still have much to do,’ I said softly. ‘Adventures. Wonderful adventures. And I’m not sure I can do them without you.’

  It wagged its tail to show it understood, but remained undecided, and the low hum rose again in pitch as the other Quarkbeast paced around it.

  ‘Walkies,’ said Tiger, speaking from outside in the corridor. The Quarkbeast recognised his voice, too, and, eager to drag Tiger around the neighbourhood once again, it gave one final look at its partner and padded past us to where Tiger was waiting.

  Almost immediately the low hum in the air stopped, and Once Magnificent Boo moved cautiously forward with some aluminium-coated zinc treats with which to tempt the other Quarkbeast.

  ‘Welcome back,’ I said.

  ‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast.

  Within a few short moments Boo had steered the original Quarkbeast from the room and into the riveted titanium crate for onward transportation to Australia.

  I untied Perkins, who gave me an awkward hug and thanked me for tuning into his thoughts.

  ‘Hey,’ I said with a smile, ‘what girl doesn’t like being thought about?’

  I had a sudden thought.

  ‘By the way, did I detect you thinking about asking me out for a date while you were directing us to you?’

  ‘I couldn’t help it,’ said Perkins, looking somewhat embarrassed. ‘Maybe the idea of sharing a Potage Jojolie at the dreary-chic Dungeon Rooms helped me forget that I was about to be annihilated.’

  ‘In that case,’ I said, ‘I guess you’d better book us a table.’

  We walked out into the daylight and back the short distance to the north abutment, where the unfinished bridge lay before us. The iMagic team had fled the scene, and of the crowds, only the fearless, stupid and asleep remained. The live leader board still displayed the final odds – 100:1 in favour of Kazam.

  We jumped as from behind us there was an explosive report and a flaming figure was shot high in the air. It was Jimmy ‘Daredevil’ Nuttjob, performing his half-time act. He arced high above our heads trailing smoke as he went, and disappointingly managed only to get as far as ‘God save the . . .’ before landing with a splash and a hiss in the river. We clapped dutifully as he surfaced, coughing and spluttering.

  We sat for a while gathering our thoughts until the Lord Chief Adviser strode up, ten minutes later.

  ‘Recent events have changed His Majesty’s mood,’ he said. ‘Ex-Court Mystician Blix is wanted for high treason along with his accomplice Colonel Bloch-Draine, and I am directed to proclaim in His Majesty’s name that you are the winners of the contest.’

  We looked at one another. We were all tired and bruised. Somehow jumping around and punching the air seemed inappropriate, given that we had been just ten seconds from dark eternity.

  ‘What about the others?’ said Moobin.

  The Lord Chief Adviser took a deep breath.

  ‘In addition, I will have the Price brothers released immediately, and all charges are to be dropped. I will be making a full and truthful account of your exploits to His Majesty forthwith, and will recommend that the position of Court Mystician be transferred from Mr Blix to a sorcerer of Kazam’s choosing. In addition, I have known His Majesty a long time, and I foresee medals. Lots of them. Probably big and very shiny.’

  ‘I have a better idea,’ said the Wizard Moobin. ‘We don’t want the the job of Court Mystician and we certainly don’t want medals. We want to be left alone to pursue the Great Zambini’s stated goal to use magic for the good of mankind. We don’t want special favours, we simply want justice.’

  ‘I’ll see that you get it.’

  ‘Do that. And remember: we don’t respond well to being double-crossed.’

  ‘We also require immunity,’ I said, always thinking of my paperwork, ‘from prosecution for all spells undertaken today, by whomsoever.’

  Lord Tenbury was in no position to do deals. We could have asked for a pink elephant each – and got it.

  ‘Leave it with me,’ he said, and bowed low before departing.

  We stood there for a moment, wondering what to do next. Blix could be anywhere by now, and although a nationwide arrest warrant would be able to bring him back to Snodd to stand trial, he wouldn’t allow himself to be found. When you’re a sorcerer of Blix’s power, staying hidden is easy.

  ‘How about some lunch?’ I announced in a cheery voice. ‘Once Magnificent Boo? Will you join us?’

  Boo grumbled for a moment, but after I pointed out that she was one Quarkbeast closer to enlightenment thanks to us, she shrugged and agreed to come along – so long as we didn’t mention the M-word in her company.

  Lunch at last

  * * *

  The surge had not left the sorcerers unharmed. Most had severe bruising to their fingers and an outbreak of warts, but six suffered passive spelling. The mildest was simply a case of migrated ear,1 while the worst was Francesca Derwent, who spent the next two weeks as a cod. She recovered fully, aside from a tendency to gape a little too much, and have eyes that were just a teeny weeny bit close to the side of her head for comfort.

  We could sense the air of excitement long before we walked into the dining room at Zambini Towers, and were met with a roar of applause, and a standing ovation for Patrick and Moobin. By directing the excess energy efficiently, they had done very little damage, and none of it permanent.2

  For all the retired sorcerers it was the first piece of truly practical magic they had committed outside the Towers’ walls for several decades. Almost all recognised Once Magnificent Boo, and although sulky and reticent to begin with, she soon moved from utter silence to monosyllables, which was a step forward. I knew I could never persuade her to move to Zambini Towers, but her magicozoology expertise would be invaluable in the future.

  The Price brothers turned up in time for pudding, straight out of prison and eager to know how it all turned out. They were almost immediately set upon by Boo, who demanded to know whether any Quarkbeasts were harmed in their Cambrian thermowizidrical detonation tests in the eighties
, and the Prices, while unwilling to explain their methodology for obvious reasons, were happy to confirm that no Quarkbeasts were harmed in any way.

  ‘Okay,’ said Boo.

  ‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast in a relieved tone.

  After that was settled, the Wizard Moobin made a speech, and directed several positive comments towards my conduct which made me blush and stare at the cutlery. Tiger and Perkins were mentioned, and we held a minute’s silence for the no longer Transient Moose, and welcomed the Quarkbeast back into the fold.

  And that was when Samantha Flynt appeared at the door of the dining room. There was a sudden hush as everyone stared at her. She looked as though she had been crying and was every bit as annoyingly pretty and perfect close up as she was from a distance.

  ‘Are you staring because she’s so lovely?’ I said to Perkins.

  ‘Not at all,’ he replied unconvincingly, ‘it’s because I didn’t expect to see her here.’

  She was invited in and offered a seat and some food, which, after we explained was always this bad, she accepted gratefully.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she sniffed, ‘but I didn’t know where to go.’

  ‘There, there,’ said Moobin, offering her his handkerchief.

  She explained that Blix had helped snare the Quarkbeast, but didn’t know the details of Blix’s attempt to seize power, nor where he was now. The colonel, apparently, would have been made Lord Chief Adviser.

  ‘Can I stay?’ she said, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief.

  ‘Absolutely, my dear,’ said Moobin.

  ‘Samantha Flynt is very pretty, isn’t she?’ said Kevin Zipp in a dreamy manner once she had left the table to go to the bathroom.

  ‘I thought that a bit, at first,’ replied Perkins, glancing at me, ‘but not any more.’

  We listened for a moment as Moobin tried to describe what it was like to suddenly be on the receiving end of more crackle than it was safe to handle.

  ‘I was lucky to have Patrick with me,’ he said. ‘If I’d had to offload all that power on my own I wouldn’t be here now.’

  We all nodded sagely and I turned back to Perkins.

  ‘Close thing, wasn’t it?’

  ‘It was worth it to hear the Song of the Quarkbeast.’

  ‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast, who was under the table, chewing on a saucepan.

  ‘I don’t think we should hear it again,’ I mused. ‘Twice would be pushing our luck. Listen, I’m sorry for sending you to Blix. I didn’t know he’d see through you so easily.’

  ‘That was my fault,’ he said cheerily. ‘It was all going well until he found me rifling through his filing cabinet. I should have locked the door. I’m new to all this cloak-and-dagger stuff. He realised what I was there for, and in a twinkling reduced all his records to rice pudding to avoid further scrutiny.’

  This was disappointing.

  ‘I guess we’ll never know about Vision BO55, then.’

  ‘Oh, I found that out,’ said Perkins. ‘Blix caught me after I read it.’

  Tiger and I stared at him. Even the Quarkbeast looked interested, and Moobin, whom we had quickly brought up to speed on events while he was away in jail, was keen to know more.

  ‘The vision was nothing specific,’ said Perkins. ‘It just stated that Blix’s wife would be greater and more powerful than he, and ultimately the agent of his downfall.’

  ‘He’s not married,’ said Full Price. ‘Sorcerers rarely are. So what does it relate to?’

  We all looked at Kevin Zipp for an answer.

  ‘Search me,’ he said. ‘It wasn’t my vision, anyway – it was Sister Yolanda’s. But if she says he’s married, then I suppose he will be – or was, or is.’

  We mused on this for a moment. Sister Yolanda was usually right, but without Blix here to question, it would have to remain a mystery.

  ‘Look,’ I said, ‘Dame Corby.’

  She was standing at the door as self-conscious as a latecomer to their own party. Standing with her was Tchango Muttney, who was only there because of no better option, and next to them both, Samantha.

  ‘She doesn’t look as though the ants obey her,’ said Tiger, commenting on Dame Corby’s appearance, which was that of a rather small, ineffective-looking woman, who didn’t like to look anyone in the eye.

  ‘iMagic is finished, the traitor Blix has fled,’ announced Dame Corby in a resigned voice. ‘We humbly beg to join your establishment in whatever capacity you think fit.’

  She looked at Tchango, who nodded, utterly humiliated.

  It was embarrassing for us, too, to hear a licensed sorcerer beg in this manner. It also proved what we had thought for some time: that Dame Corby’s shares in the family trouser-press business were not doing as well as she had boasted.

  ‘You are welcome here,’ said Moobin as he strode forward to greet them in the traditional manner, ‘but your status and duties will be decided by a committee led by our acting manager.’

  Moobin introduced them and they shook my hand in a doubtful manner. I knew for a fact that Blix had referred to me as ‘that upstart foundling’ and it looked as if they shared the sentiment.

  ‘I have heard great things about you,’ said Dame Corby in a voice taut with forced politeness.

  ‘I too,’ said Tchango.

  ‘I’m Samantha Flynt,’ said Samantha in a breezy tone, giving me her hand to shake, ‘but it’s pronounced without the first “A”.’

  ‘Smantha?’

  ‘That’s it. I don’t have my licence yet, but I’m working very hard on my studies. It’s tricky because, well,’ she tapped her temple with a fingertip, ‘I’ve not much upstairs. Why are you staring at me?’

  I took a step back and nudged Moobin.

  ‘What?’ he said.

  ‘Shifter,’ I said out of the corner of my voice.

  ‘You’re going to have to speak up. I can’t hear you.’

  ‘SHAPE-SHIFTER!’ I said in a louder voice, and pointed unsubtly at the apparently pretty girl in front of me. Moobin understood what I meant and had a standard Magnaflux Reversal on her in a heartbeat, in order to uncover the Blix hiding within. Surprisingly, there was no effect at all, except her ringlets disappeared, her nose became slightly less cute, her eyes reduced in colour and blueness and her waist size increased by half a size. A Magnaflux Reversal reversed all spells, irrespective of who cast them. She had been augmenting herself.

  ‘Whoops,’ she said, putting a hand to her nose, ‘this is, like, so embarrassing.’

  But we had more important things to worry about than Samantha’s vanity.

  ‘Samantha, were you here ten minutes ago?’ I demanded.

  ‘It’s without the first “A”.’

  ‘Smantha, were you here earlier?’

  Her now not-so-large eyes opened wide.

  ‘Absolutely not!’

  Samantha had remained Samantha for the simple reason that she was Samantha. The first one had been the impostor. There was only one person it could be.

  ‘Blix is in the building,’ I yelled. ‘Containment plan “D”!’

  Plan ‘D’ was one of several we had planned in case of emergencies. In this case, the possibility of something nasty being created that couldn’t be allowed to get out of the building. We’d used it on a phantasm a few weeks back who managed to escape from its bell-jar, and it was quite a job to get it back in – especially as a plan D seals the hotel, and there is only about four days’ worth of air contained within its walls.

  Dame Corby and Tchango Muttney were the first to react by diving under the table with a yelp. They were more frightened of Blix than us, and they were meant to be colleagues. The Prices and Moobin responded more sensibly and steel shutters suddenly appeared across the windows and external doors with a chunk-chunk-chunk that echoed throughout the old building. Perkins dashed to the door to the dining room and peered out.

  ‘All clear out here,’ he said.

  ‘Wandering in here is a big risk,’ obser
ved Full Price, ‘he must want something badly.’

  ‘He knows RUNIX and wants revenge,’ I said as a knot began to tighten in my stomach, ‘and we have four Gig of raw crackle sitting in the Palm Court.’

  We tumbled out of the dining room and headed downstairs to the Palm Court, which predictably enough had a seven-headed dog with flaming eyes standing guard outside. It growled menacingly, the hair on its seven necks bristling aggressively while its fourteen front legs pawed the parquet flooring and drool dripped from its seven tongues and two hundred and ninety-four teeth.

  Those less well acquainted with seven-headed dogs gave out a gasp of horror, but Moobin muttered ‘Amateur!’ and strode through the illusory beast, which evaporated like smoke. Once inside the Palm Court we found the excellent facsimile of Samantha Flynt working at the tear we had last seen open when Monty Vanguard failed so utterly to break the passthought. Next to her were Lady Mawgon and Monty, still stone.

  ‘I lost my way to the bathroom,’ said the faux Samantha as she gave a heart-melting smile.

  ‘It’s over, Blix,’ said Moobin.

  ‘Step away from the Dibble,’ ordered Full Price, index finger at the ready. I knew that he’d never newted anyone, but was itching to do so.

  ‘It might have looked like I was frightened by that dog thing,’ said Tiger, ‘but I wasn’t.’

  ‘She looks sort of familiar,’ said the real Samantha.

  ‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast.

  ‘We can negotiate your surrender,’ I said, stepping forward, partly to stop him being newted – he currently had eight fingers pointed at him, and while Perkins’ skills in these matters were questionable, I knew that the Prices and Moobin could take him in an instant. I think Blix knew this as he melted out of Samantha and back into himself. He made a move to give a slow handclap.

  ‘DON’T MOVE A MUSCLE!’ I yelled. ‘And very slowly: fingers toward the floor.’

  Blix smiled but didn’t comply.

  ‘We can talk about this. All wizards together.’

  ‘Let him make a move on us, Jenny. I so want to take him out.’

  ‘No, Moobin. Blix? Fingers down. Really slowly.’