Saving Her Shadow

by Lutishia Lovely

  “Did it help?”

  “A little.”

  “Are you really feeling better? Seriously, Shadow, you can tell me the truth.”

  “I’m getting better,” Abby repeated, though the opposite message came through her eyes. “In knowing, I’m glowing, like the sun.”

  Raina maintained a look that belied the chagrin she often felt toward her family’s religion. Along with their conservative views on personal appearance, the arts, and roles in marriage, the church required upwards of thirty percent of a member’s income through tithes and mandatory, ongoing illumination and enlightenment courses. They believed anyone outside of the religion was obscure, literally a dimwit, and that interacting with such would lessen one’s own light. They considered stars to be angels, communicated with extraterrestrials, and held to the teachings that after an end-time explosion they’d be the foundation for a new earth. For this reason, they kept to themselves as much as possible and forbade personal relationships or marriage, intermixing, with the outside. Only after Raina’s mother Jennifer joined the Nation did her stepfather Ken ask her out. They shunned modern medicine and its procedures, believing all sickness was mental and could be cured through their trained specialists with herbs, vitamins, stardust, mantras, or an energy machine designed by the church’s founder. Raina was all for positive thinking and believed in the power of words. But she also trusted the power of Advil and remembered how quickly she and her mom used to get better before joining a group where even over-the-counter cures were banned.

  Turning onto her stomach, Raina looked at her sister, then reached out for the person she loved more than her own life.

  “Come here, sister,” she whispered, enveloping Abby into a giant bear hug. “Let’s glow together, okay?”

  Raina began reciting the healing-mind mantra. “I see you better.”

  “I see me better,” Abby repeated.

  “Good health you know.”

  “Good health I know.”

  “Mind over matter. My body glows.”

  Abby repeated the words after her sister half a dozen times. Raina checked Abby’s forehead again and was sure she had a fever of at least a hundred degrees. Hoping to will some life into her sister’s lethargic presence, she began the mantra again, this time with a snap of her fingers and in a funky, singsong style.

  “Raina!” Abby’s giggle lit up Raina’s heart. “We can’t say it like that!”

  “Why not? Music isn’t bad, Shadow. Only the words placed in rhythms that are not what we believe.”

  Abby looked doubtful.

  “Okay, I’ve got an idea. What about to the tune of . . . hmm, I dunno . . . ‘Old McDonald,’ maybe?”

  Abby laughed again. “No! It’ll sound stupid!”

  “I agree. But it’s a melody that’s sanctioned. Plus, it will be fun. Come on.”

  Raina began the chant again, drumming on the bedspread as their voices grew louder.

  “Mind over matter. My body G-L-Ohs!”

  Soon they were both off the bed and on the floor, clapping, foot-tapping, and half singing, half rapping to the beat. Within minutes anyone watching wouldn’t have known whether Abby actually began to feel better or was having so much fun she forgot to be sick. Either way, when they heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway, Raina ran to turn off the music. Abby’s shoulders fell, along with her smile. There was no written rule that happiness was forbidden. But most times when their father, Ken, was present, it was not allowed.

  Chapter 2

  By the time the sound of a closing garage door drifted upstairs, the Reed girls presented the perfect glow tableau. Abby was in her bedroom indulging in an approved children’s pastime, putting together a jigsaw puzzle. Raina was seated at her study desk, working on a science assignment. Jennifer greeted each of them as she passed their rooms on her way to the master suite. Raina’s stepfather and Abby’s father, Ken, had gone directly into his study, as usual, leaving communication for the dining room, where forty-five minutes later they were called down to dinner.

  “Good evening again, Mother,” Raina said, using the formal language encouraged by the religion. “May I help?”

  “You may bring in the salad,” Jennifer replied. “There are two types of dressing in matching carafes. Abby, did you wash your hands?”

  “Yes, Mother,” Abby replied.

  She coughed into circled fingers and earned a stern look from her dad, who walked in at that moment.

  “Sorry, Father,” Abby said softly.

  “Hello, Father,” Raina said on her way to the kitchen. Even eight years later she was struck with the difference in households she’d occupied, the pre- and post–Ken Reed eras. Reaching for the colorful salad in a crystal bowl, she recalled the good old days when it was okay, natural even, to cough, sneeze, belch, fart, without apology. They excused themselves. There were manners in place after all. But Raina would never get used to the appeasing silence, the formal existence that Ken preferred, or the deference this new mother, the one Jennifer had become over the past eight years, chose to pay him.

  Conversation was limited as plates were filled and drinks were poured. Once done, and only after Ken had taken the first bite of a medium-rare steak being served with a baker and fresh green beans, did the rest of the table begin eating.

  “I saw you working on the puzzle, Abby,” Jennifer said. “How is it coming along?”

  “I almost have the whole frame put together,” Abby responded. “Now I’m separating the pieces for the rainbow, fish, and flowers. The water is going to be the hardest part. So much blue.”

  “What is the name of this puzzle, honey?” Ken asked.

  The question had been posed to Abby, but Jennifer answered. “Amazing nature, and it truly is. It was one of several new puzzles being sold in the bookstore. This one has five hundred pieces. Abby’s most challenging yet!”

  “What are you working on, Raina?”

  “A science project for school.”

  A slight frown creased Ken’s handsome brow. At fifty years old his looks had matured like a fine wine. Hints of silver now painted his chestnut temples, making his uniquely gray eyes even more outstanding. He reached for the cloth napkin before him, then sat back as he patted his mouth.

  “What rubbish theory are they teaching you now, that we’ll have to deprogram.”

  It was what Raina’s friend’s mother Valarie would call a soapbox set up. Her answer would give her father the chance to rail against the obscure, the unsanctioned, something he did as often as he could.

  “You don’t want to know,” she answered, buying a few extra seconds.

  “Let me guess, climate change.”

  As they’d been studying its effects for most of the semester, this was an easy get. Raina nodded.

  “I didn’t hear that.”

  “Yes, Father.”

  He snorted. “Thank the Light that the plans for an expanded educational building were approved.” He looked warmly at Jennifer. “The middle school will be finished in two years, the high school a year later. We won’t have to worry about Abby being dimmed by those lies.”

  Jennifer returned a warm smile. “The education received at Lucent Rising Elementary Institute is absolutely top-notch. Abby is testing out two grades above those of the same age in public school. While it is a more challenging environment, and she must sometimes submit materials against her personal beliefs, I am proud that Raina has maintained a near perfect grade average at Chippewa High.”

  She looked at Raina. “It can’t be easy, having to constantly shield yourself and your mind, to keep glowing in such a place.”

  “I agree,” Ken said. He resumed eating. “Which is even more of a reason she should consider forgoing college, get claimed by an upstanding Beam of Light and join one of the women’s ministries. We’ve got an aggressive agenda for bringing in more members, more funding, spreading more radiance. I don’t see where four more years in a blind educational system will benefit either he
r or the Nation.”

  “It’s necessary for her to be a teacher, darling,” Jennifer said, discussing Raina as though she were not in the room.

  It was just as well, because any plans they discussed were theirs, not Raina’s. She played the role of the dutiful daughter and had even switched the degree she planned to pursue from business to English when her father had balked at her studying a curriculum “more suited for men.” But Raina didn’t see herself teaching, especially within the Illumination educational system. More and more, she didn’t see herself in the religion at all. But those who chose to leave lost their families, too. So Raina hadn’t shared those feelings with anyone. She hadn’t even fully admitted them to herself.

  “Raina, did you hear me?”

  Jennifer’s question brought Raina out of her own thoughts. “Sorry, Mother, my mind wandered.”

  “Your father has some exciting news.”

  In spite of his stoic nature, Raina watched her dad’s face color a bit. A gleam came into his eyes. Add the aquiline nose, full lips, and tall, lean frame and anyone seeing him would have no questions as to why, when he’d popped the question, Jennifer had said yes.

  “It’s not yet official,” he said, reaching for his napkin once again.

  “Mere formalities remain,” Jennifer said, with a wave of her hand. She looked adoringly at her husband. With her shoulder-length black hair pulled back into a sleek ponytail, emphasizing deeply bronzed skin, a long sleek neck, high cheekbones, big doe eyes and a dazzling smile, she was Ken’s exact opposite and perfect complement at once. His real-life Barbie, and second chance at love.

  “What is it?” Raina asked. “She speared a piece of broccoli from the casserole and shoved it into her mouth. At Jennifer’s frown, she took the next bite more daintily.

  “Babe?” Jennifer looked at Ken.

  “I’ve been selected to become a Supreme Master.”

  Raina’s jaw dropped. Abby, who’d quietly pushed around the salad on her plate, looked up in surprise. Becoming a Supreme Master Seer was the highest position in the Illumination organization. It required thousands of hours of volunteer work, hundreds of sessions, years if not decades of loyalty, and a recommendation by five members of that rank. While not discussed much, it often cost hundreds of thousands of dollars as well. After more than a quarter of a century with the organization, a stellar reputation within the ministry and a lineage through his father, Ken could check all of those boxes.

  “Congratulations, Father,” Raina said, and meant it. Knowing how much he treasured the ministry is why most times she tried to behave. Not to mention how happy he made her mother. Raina didn’t get it, would probably never understand it, but Jennifer had been able to leave a party life behind and never look back.

  “Thank you, daughter,” Ken responded, adding an endearment that whether consciously or no he rarely used with his step. His eyes narrowed. He used his fork as a pointer. “You know what this means?”

  “What?” Raina asked.

  “You have to behave.”

  Raina physically recoiled. “Father!”

  “Ken!” Jennifer exclaimed.

  He crossed his arms. “Seriously? You two are going to sit here and act as though we’ve not had to reprimand Raina on numerous occasions for infractions against the rules? Do you want me to run down the list?”

  “No,” Raina said. “I get it.”

  Ken ignored her and began a countdown on his fingers. “Forbidden music. Unsanctioned smart phone apps. Wearing jewelry, makeup, perfume.”

  “That was in the privacy of my bedroom!” Raina defensively replied. “And we were kids!”

  She shook her head, not wanting to believe her father had brought up the makeup story, which happened to also be one of Raina’s fondest memories. Her cousin Trinity came to Chippewa for her and her aunt’s first and only visit. The girls had been left home alone while her parents and aunt had gone to dinner. Trinity had pulled out a treasure trove of contraband—foundation, blush, eye shadow, lipstick—and turned eleven-year-old Raina into a femme fatale. She’d found an R & B station on the stereo and turned the upstairs hallway into a runway. They pranced and danced, waiting to hear the garage door open, the sign that law and order of the Illumination kind must be returned. It was one of the few times her dad parked in the driveway. They got busted, big-time. Seems her father intended to never let Raina forget it.

  “This is all so new,” Jennifer had said at the time, defending her daughter’s actions. Tonight she said nothing at all.

  “I mean it,” Ken continued. “A higher level in the ministry means a much higher degree of visibility. You all will be judged as an extension of myself, your actions my actions, the family as one. After the formal ceremony, there is a ninety-day probation period in which every area of my illumination must be blemish-free.”

  “In that case,” Raina began, feeling her heartrate increase, “I need to tell you something.”

  The room stilled. Ken sat back and crossed his arms. “I’m listening.”

  “It’s about school, a project we’re doing for English class. It requires extra work outside of the classroom.” She paused, swallowed. “I’m with a team of unsanctioned.”

  Ken’s shoulders heaved. “Great.”

  Jennifer’s face showed concern. “Can you get out of it, honey? Perhaps take a test instead or find another way to earn extra credit?” She looked at Ken. “I’ll speak with the teacher. See if there is a way to get her participation waived on religious grounds.”

  “The work will still be done on school grounds,” Raina explained. “We’ll be doing research in the library and may need to take a brief road trip out of town.”

  “That won’t happen,” Ken said.

  “I already told them I couldn’t do that part,” Raina said, working to keep desperation out of her voice. If her parents knew how badly she wanted to be on this project with these specific unsanctioned, they’d definitely make doing so impossible. If they knew all six-foot-one of the reasons why, she’d spend the last five months of her high school years being homeschooled. Raina was certain of that.

  “But this project is ongoing and a third of our grade. With all of my other classes, college-prep courses and studying for finals in a few months, I’m not sure how I could fit additional assignments or testing into my studies and maintain my 3.8, a requirement for getting the scholarship. If we keep going the way we are, though, my guidance counselor thinks I’ve got a great chance.”

  Jennifer placed a hand on Ken’s arm. “Honey?”

  “There are dozens of Nation members at your school. Why can’t you work with them?”

  “I tried,” Raina lied, asking the Light to cover with mercy. “The teacher selected the teams and told us we couldn’t switch.”

  “These students you’re working with. Boys or girls?” Ken asked.

  “Girls.”

  “Then given the circumstances you described, I’ll allow it. But only with other girls, no exception. I will not have you keeping company with an unsanctioned male.”

  “Then it’s settled,” Jennifer said, obviously relieved. “We’ll shine like the brightest star in heaven for your father. After his probation is lifted, and the license is officially given, we’ve got quite the surprise to help us celebrate.”

  Jennifer looked at her youngest daughter, watched her moving food around on her plate. “What do you think about that, Abby?”

  “It’s very good,” she dutifully responded. “Congratulations.”

  “You’ve not eaten much, honey. Are you . . . is everything glowing?”

  “I’m fine, Mother,” Abby said.

  “Her forehead was warm earlier,” Raina added. “Hot, actually.”

  “I’ll get her some vitamin juice,” Jennifer said to Ken, placing her napkin on the table and leaving the room.

  “Have you appealed for healing?” Ken asked.

  “Yes, Father.”

  “How many times?”

  Abb
y shrugged. “Maybe twenty.”

  “Then do fifty, or a hundred,” Ken responded, dispassionate. “You are a radiant, healthy being of light. Make yourself glow.”

  Raina stood to clear the table and to keep from saying something about the religion’s stand on health, which could get her in trouble and have Ken change his mind about her project. She reminded herself that for the most part their methods seemed to work, that the ILLUX energy machine had added years to her grandmother’s life. That’s how Jennifer viewed the matter, and how Raina chose to see it, too. She decided to focus on her victory, having more time with her unsanctioned besties. And more chances to see the unsanctioned boy that made her heart go boom.

  Chapter 3

  The next day, Raina was extra careful making her after-school transition from a glow girl to a you-go girl. Changing out of what Jackie and Monica called her Amish attire to rock the outfits that for the past two months she’d hidden underneath. She was uber-observant while heading down to the gym to change in the locker room, a place that with the exception of physical education classes, Illuminated students rarely went. Glowers were encouraged to shine the light on each other whenever necessary. Translated, snitch to the elders if something was perceived to be wrong and receive praise for not minding their business.

  For the most part, she was on good terms with the church members who attended the high school. She sat next to them in class, ate with them at lunch, and socialized with them at church. The one thing she’d refused to do was end the friendship with Monica, whom Raina had known in Kansas City, or with Jackie, the only one who’d stood up for her while she was being bullied years ago.

  * * *

  It was weeks into their move to Chippewa. Raina had been only nine years old. A group of local girls had threatened to beat her up after school. Never one to back down, Raina said they could try. She’d hoped they were bluffing. They were not. She’d come around the corner to find a gaggle of mad preteens ready to pounce. She swallowed a mouthful of fear and looked around her, wondering if she could channel some Usain Bolt and break a track record home. One of the girls followed her eyes and moved over. Soon, there was a line of beat-up-the-new-girl she’d have to burst through. She wasn’t much of a fighter anyway but could handle one-on-one. Just as she saw visions of cat scratching, hair pulling, windmills, and dirty clothing, the girl’s eyes shifted to over her shoulder. The instigator took a step back.