Saving Her Shadow

by Lutishia Lovely

  “What should we tell your mom?” Raina asked.

  “The truth, most likely. She’s got a radar that can pick up ‘your ass is lying’ from two hundred yards away.”

  Raina tried not to be nervous, but Jackie’s mom was a prosecutor and Raina felt very much on trial. And though lying had cost her being at home tonight, telling the truth and nothing but the truth was a tall order.

  “Leave your stuff here,” Jackie said, placing the carry-on against the wall and walking toward the hallway on the opposite side. “Let’s let Mama know you’re here.”

  The two girls walked down the hall side by side. Jackie peeked into Valarie’s home office. It was empty. They continued on to the master suite where the sounds of soft jazz floated from beneath the closed door.

  Jackie knocked softly before opening the door a crack. “Mom?”

  Valarie looked up from where she was sitting against the bed’s headboard flipping through a magazine. “Hey.”

  “Raina’s here. She wants to know if she can spend the night.”

  “What’s going on?”

  Jackie opened the door wider so that she and Raina could enter the room.

  “Hello, Miss Valarie.”

  “Hi, Raina. Why are you here instead of home with your family?”

  “I kind of got kicked out,” Raina said.

  “How does one kind of get kicked out?”

  “My parents found out I was hanging out with—”

  “Boys?” Valarie interrupted, assuming the answer. “Figures.”

  “Not just boys,” Jackie said.

  Valarie crossed her arms. Ignoring her daughter, she stared at Raina. “What’s his name?”

  “Bryce.” Raina’s voice was soft, barely above a whisper.

  “Did you say Bryce?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “As in my nephew, Bryce Clark? The nephew who’s staying here right now, who sleeps two doors down from Jackie? Oh, hell no, honey. You can’t stay here. Ain’t no baby-making happening on my watch.”

  “It’s not like that, Mama,” Jackie said. “Raina’s a good girl. She’s still a virgin.”

  “Yeah, so was Mary when she had Jesus.” Valarie’s eyes narrowed. “Do I know your folk?”

  “No,” Raina said.

  “Oh, that’s right. Y’all are a part of that weird-ass cult just outside of town who don’t like to associate with regular folk. You’re one of their children and you want to stay here?” Valarie’s eyes returned to the magazine. “Hell to the double no, child.”

  “Mama!”

  The rejection was as unexpected as Raina’s sudden tears.

  “Ah, baby,” Valarie said softly, looking up and catching Raina’s forlorn expression. “I’m just kidding. Kind of, sort of. You know everybody in town who doesn’t attend there thinks y’all are cray-cray. Keeping yourselves holed up out there behind those high-ass fences. Not interacting with people when you come into town. It’s not normal.”

  Raina’s countenance remained downcast.

  “How old are you?”

  “I just turned eighteen.”

  “And they kicked you out for socializing with someone of the opposite sex?”

  “More like someone of the wrong religion. Outside of school, I’m supposed to only be in contact with others in the organization.”

  Valarie looked at Jackie. “Did I mention they were weird?”

  “Mama, that’s not nice.”

  “Honest, though.” She turned back to Raina. “Since you got kicked out for being with heathens, what are you doing here?”

  “Because I didn’t only get kicked out of my house, but kind of out of my family, and since everyone in the organization is considered family, no one else can take me in until I see the Council.”

  “Well that’s some inhospitable bullshit,” Valarie said.

  “It should only be for tonight. I’m calling the Council tomorrow to get this all straightened out.”

  “In that case, yes, you can stay but . . . Bryce’s room is off-limits, whether I’m here or not. Try and sneak in there if you want to. Trust me, I’ll find out.”

  “She’s got this placed bugged,” Jackie said.

  “It’s called Mama radar,” Valarie said. “Plus, I was once your age. And give me your parents’ phone number. I’m not going to call them,” she added, following the look of horror on Raina’s face. “But in case of an emergency, I need the number of someone to call.”

  “I’ll send it to Jackie,” Raina said. “Then she can send it to you.”

  Valarie reached for her phone. “Send it to me directly. I need to have your number, too. What is it?”

  Raina rattled it off. “Thank you, Miss Valarie.”

  “You’re welcome, baby,” Valarie said, her attention returning once more to the magazine.

  “Did you get a chance to eat?” Jackie asked Raina.

  “No, but I’m not that hungry.”

  “If the last time you ate was while shooting the video, you need to eat something. Come on.”

  Jackie turned and headed down the hall. Raina gladly followed behind her, feeling a palpable sense of relief at not being grilled by the lawyer.

  Valarie’s voice trailed after them. “Bryce is on his way home so be sure and leave some for him.”

  “He’s not here?” Raina asked.

  Jackie shook her head. “Larry needed his help with something so Bryce stayed with him and let me drive his car home.”

  Raina was happy to hear that Bryce wasn’t home. To be honest, a little sad, too, though she chided herself for that. He wasn’t to blame for her being attracted to him, curious about love and willing to go against her parents’ wishes to experience more of life than their religion allowed. Even though the consequences had left her temporarily obscured from the community, she wasn’t sure that, given the option, she wouldn’t make the exact same choices all over again. As she’d told Abby, the McFaddens were nice people. She didn’t regret spending time in their home. She didn’t regret going against the Illumination’s stupid rules, and when she decided to cross that bridge and give up her virginity, she hoped it would be to a guy like Bryce Clark.

  After fixing plates and grabbing glasses of soda, they headed down to Jackie’s big and perpetually messy room. Jackie kicked aside a stack of fashion magazines and closed the door. She crawled on her bed, Raina beside her, truly relaxing for the first time all night. While eating, they watched YouTube, browsed social media, and talked about the fun they had shooting the video. Jackie clicked on a music channel, then pulled an air mattress out of her closet and insisted on making up the bed for her guest. Raina thumbed through a fashion magazine. She looked at clothes she’d love to be able to wear all the time but couldn’t, fashions too tight, colorful, or revealing for a Vessel like her. A song came on that sampled a beat from the 90s. Raina immediately recognized the hook from a popular girl’s group. Hearing it made her sad for disappointing her mother and brought back memories of another life, the one before Ken. How she and Jennifer used to make popcorn and nachos, then plop in front of the TV and watch her favorites, like Glee and Veronica Mars, or her mom’s reality preferences like The Amazing Race. For the most part she tried to repress those memories beneath the Book of Light and the Illumination. Beneath new friends and new rules, and a new place to belong. But then she’d met effervescent, carefree Jackie, and the old Raina, the genuine one, had resurfaced, bringing back a longing for normalcy and a longing for those old times. She’d met Bryce, as athletic and gorgeous as he was unsanctioned, and discovered a Raina that was different still.

  “All right,” Jackie said, bouncing back onto the bed and bringing Raina out of her revelry. She opened a box and pulled out a deck of colorful cards. “You’re all set for dreamland. Before we say goodnight, though, let’s do a reading with you and see what’s really going on.”

  “Jackie . . .”

  “I know, y’all don’t believe in angels. Y’all talk to stars.” She stopp
ed shuffling the cards and looked at Raina. “What’s Venus telling you now?”

  Raina didn’t answer.

  “I thought so,” Jackie said with a smile, and resumed mixing the angel card tarot deck. “Messages come from any and everywhere. Just be open.”

  Raina watched Jackie handle the angel cards with a mix of fear and intrigue. Any religion outside of the Illumination was considered occult, the study of which could dim you forever. But Raina needed answers and the stars were silent. So she performed a subtle shielding, a series of intricate movements with her hands while reciting a mantra, then sat back to hear what the angels had to say.

  Chapter 11

  Bryce didn’t come home. The next day he texted her, said that at Valarie’s strong suggestion he was spending the weekend at Larry’s apartment. Later that afternoon, he called as the guys headed to Kansas City to lay down more tracks with the rapper KCK. Wouldn’t be back until late Sunday, he told her. It was probably for the best. She hoped to be home by then. Already in a world of trouble, Raina could imagine the ways Bryce might try and comfort her and didn’t know if she’d have the willpower to resist.

  Raina’s Saturday call to the Council went to voicemail, not totally surprising as that was the church’s Sabbath and there were services all day. Her calls home and to Jennifer’s cell phone went unanswered, too. It’s what she expected but being ignored cut deeply. At one time, Jennifer had been her best friend. Now Ken was her mother’s bestie, and obviously in charge. When Sunday came and still no one had called her, she forced away worry, told herself to enjoy the freedom. If the Council allowed her to go back home, she’d probably never be trusted again.

  On Monday, without Raina hearing from the church or her parents, Valarie dropped her and Jackie off at Chippewa High just after seven. With the message from Jackie’s Friday night angel card reading etched on her mind, Raina opened the door for them to enter the building and pulled out her phone.

  “See you later.”

  “Where are you going?” Jackie asked.

  “To call the Council,” Raina said.

  “Good luck,” Jackie told her, “or whatever it is you use,” she added, under her breath.

  “I heard that!”

  “Ha! Good!”

  The hallways were fairly empty. Classes didn’t start until eight. Raina walked toward the library and the seating area just outside of it. Clicking on images, she pulled up the pictures she’d taken last night of the angel cards Jackie had pulled, and the messages they’d delivered after forming three specific questions in her mind.

  The first answer was from the angel card named Desiree, in response to her question about Bryce. Conditions aren’t favorable right now, the card read. Wait . . . and ask the angels to help, guide, and comfort you. She could use their help and comfort, but pretty much knew the deal. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that while trying to get back under her parents’ roof, seeing Bryce wasn’t a wise option. Perhaps it wasn’t only the angels. It could be the stars, too. Protecting her from heartbreak. Keeping her focused. Whatever the reason, having a boyfriend should be the least of her worries right now.

  The second angel card answered her concerns for Abby, and how her shadow hadn’t felt good the past couple days. The answer came from Opal. Your children on Earth and in Heaven are happy and well cared for by God and the angels. Raina felt this answer was a bit problematic. The Illumination didn’t believe in God or angels. But when she substituted Light and stars, as Jackie suggested, she felt that the message was positive, and that her sister would be all right.

  The third card is why she sat cross-legged on a bright yellow couch, ready to call the council and be reilluminated. Two angels were on the card that delivered the last message. Raina wasn’t surprised. Given the gravity of the situation, she could understand two beings being needed. Grace and Antoinette told her exactly what to do. To help heal this situation, they said, see the other person’s point of view with compassion. Even if she didn’t agree, she could acknowledge the church’s position. This wasn’t a Burger King moment. Now wasn’t the time to try and have it her way.

  With the energy of the angels around her, Raina dialed the number to the Nation’s offices.

  “Good morning!” a cheery voice sounded. “This is the Illumination. Step into the Light!”

  “Good morning.”

  “How can I direct your call, please?”

  “The Council’s office?”

  “Yes, and who shall I tell them is calling?”

  “Raina. Raina Reed.”

  A pause. One thousand one. One thousand two. “One moment,” the receptionist said, with a little less light.

  The transfer to the Council went to voicemail. Again. Raina was as worried as she was relieved. She left a detailed message and hoped for the best. For the next several hours, she focused on school. At lunch she joined Jackie and Monica to discuss their English project, the reenactment of a theatrical classic to be presented in March. While she was sure word had gotten around in the Rising, she didn’t want those at school to know she’d gotten kicked out. So she swore Monica to secrecy, then gave her the news.

  “Oh my gosh! That is crazy! They kicked you out for real?”

  “Very real,” Jackie interjected. “She’s at my house right now.”

  “Ooh, I know your parents aren’t happy about that. My uncle is a member of the Illumination, attends a huge center near Dallas, Texas. I know how they roll, which is pretty much only with others who believe like them. My mom is his sister and they barely talk at all.”

  Raina was familiar with the Texas Center. Her family had attended a meeting there last year. During services, she felt dwarfed in the auditorium that could comfortably seat three thousand people and, once home, appreciated the coziness of their smaller membership.

  “It’s different. But when you’re in it, most of the time it doesn’t feel that way. I mean, I have friends. We hang out, just inside the Rising. We listen to music, just not what’s popular on the radio. We watch movies, but only those sanctioned by the church.”

  “And that doesn’t feel different?” Monica asked her. “Let me give you a news flash, sistah. There’s nothing normal about that life. So . . . now that you’re free and don’t have to rush home or to the center, what are you going to do?”

  It was a good question, one Raina hadn’t considered. “I was hoping to hear from the Council and meet with them. If not . . . I don’t know.”

  “You want to come with us to BBs?” Monica asked. BBs was the nickname town teens had given to Breadbasket, a local eatery especially popular among the high school crowd. “I hear they’ve got a couple openings. I’m going to apply for a job.”

  “Sure, why not.”

  After school, instead of studying the Way of the Woman, a class at the Center for young women eighteen and older, Raina found herself in a noisy dining room filled with boisterous teenagers. Eating burgers, people watching, and laughing till it hurt. Teenage stuff. Normal stuff. Raina hadn’t known what all she’d been missing. It would end once the council set up her deprogramming, but for now she was happy to enjoy the fun.

  Monica rejoined her at the table and slid over a paper next to her basket of remaining fries.

  “What’s this?”

  “An application,” Monica replied with a shrug. “You never know.”

  Raina glanced at the paper before folding it and placing it in her purse. If life worked out the way she wanted, she’d be back home later today, several deprogramming sessions on the agenda, finished in time for graduation and a summer job in KC. Then again, she hadn’t lined one up yet, and Breadbasket was a regional chain . . . But, no, working here would be impossible. Doing so anonymously in Kansas City was one thing, but here? Where her father was an elder second-in-command? There’s no way he’d let his child serve burgers to the unsanctioned outsiders. There’s no way he’d eat anything prepared by one, even if that one was his daughter.

  “Well,
look who’s pulling in,” Monica said, smiling as she looked beyond Raina’s shoulder.

  “Who?” She turned around just as Bryce was exiting the car, all swagger and machismo, with his cousin Larry and his best friend, Steve. Until now, she’d tried to tell herself she hadn’t missed seeing him over the weekend. Her mind had known otherwise and now her body agreed. Her heart went pitter and her noni-heat went patter as the boys made a beeline for her and Monica’s table.

  “What’s this?” Larry asked, with a raised brow. “They let the church girl out the building, I see. Is the world ending tomorrow or what?”

  Bryce slid over to Raina’s side of the table, threw a protective arm around her. Though the chances of a member seeing them were slim and none, Raina still felt paranoid and eased from under his embrace.

  Bryce took it in stride. “Back off,” he told Larry and eyed Steve, too. “My girl’s going through a tough time right now. She doesn’t need y’all’s yada yada, you hear?”

  A server came, the guys placed their orders, and soon they were knee-deep into the world of sports. Bryce had the ear of several tables, especially the ladies’. Bryce had graduated high school two years prior, had done a year and change at a Kansas City college before deciding to work full-time. Restlessness and a relationship gone south had landed him at his aunt’s house trying to figure out his life. But while at Chippewa High he’d been the basketball king. Those listening hung on to his every word. Raina was more aware of the curious eyes on her. She began to second-guess her decision to come here. Kids of the Light or no, word of her being with Bryce could get back to her parents. Or the Council. She excused herself, told Jackie she was going to walk to the McFaddens’, then eased out the door. He was the center of attention and in the middle of a memory, so she figured she’d be at the house before Bryce was aware she was gone.

  One good thing about a small town, nothing was too far away. The McFaddens lived a couple miles from the town’s center. Raina welcomed the walk in the cold late-January weather. She thought to clear her head, but thoughts of Bryce stayed with her. Store windows gave way to a neat row of houses. Raina didn’t notice. In her mind a video was playing, those early days of puppy love. She walked and thought back to that first time—after all the texting and flirting—when she’d seen him away from the crowd, the closest she’d gotten to a one-on-one. Deeply engrossed in reliving those feelings, the world around her faded.