by Anne Thomas
"Fantastic - sounds like you have it all covered. On your way home now?" We enter the underpass which tunnels under Stirling Highway, allowing us silly uni students safe passage across. Otherwise no doubt there'd be half a dozen deaths a year.
"Yep. I thought about going to Reid Library to research for an essay... but then I thought that probably I couldn't be bothered. So I didn't."
"Clearly." I smile and shake my head, Zeke will undoubtable fail all his units this semester. It doesn't seem to bother him - why should I care? I don't think study is his calling. Probably he should go do a trade and probably he will, eventually, when the novelty being a poor, yet seemingly decadent with both time and money, uni student wears off.
A huge line of students waiting for the bus presents and we both make the same weary face. Yet another ride standing up sandwiched between a science major and a philosophy geek mid-debate about the necessary truths of human nature. Joy.
"So, I hear you're seeing someone?"
A lungful of air hisses out between my newly clenched teeth. "Who did you hear that from?"
"Lena."
"Pardon? I didn't hear you properly then, I thought you said Lena?"
"That would be because I did."
"Are we on the same page here? You are talking about your mortal enemy Lena?"
"That would be the one."
"Would it be silly of me to ask why?" Seriously, I am baffled. These two have been at each other’s throats since day one, and not in that I-hate-you-but-only-because-I'm-immature-and-can't-think-of-how-to-tell-you-I-like-your way.
"Possibly. She asked me on Facebook if you'd said anything to me about him."
No more information is forthcoming, so I prompt with a simple; "I haven't though."
"I told her that I'd met him."
"But you haven't!"
"Well, I lied. Much more fun than the truth, wouldn't you say?"
"I was talking to her just before! She never said anything! Never has she ever not said something as soon as it comes to her mind before!"
"I told her to keep a lid on it." Zeke shrugged and shuffled forward with the line. I remained rooted to the spot.
"That is ridiculous! None of you guys have met Levi!"
"Ah-ha! So he has a name, this mystery male..."
I roll my eyes, "Even Lena knows his name."
Zeke looks affronted, then grabs my arm and yanks me forward with the queue. "She never told me that."
"Apparently, keeping secrets is the latest craze." I swipe my smart rider card and trot up the bus steps, followed by Zeke, who is scowling. We luckily snag a free seat but still manage to complain about the heat - these old model buses lack sufficient air conditioning in summer when crammed full of sweaty bodies. It's a pleasant way to travel, to be sure.
Late that night, well, early that morning I save my essay on British devolution onto my hard-drive and lean back in my rolling office chair. I got this thing for a steal at a garage sale a couple of streets away. Apart from the tear in the leather on the back, it is probably the most comfortable chair that ever existed. I'm not that huge on second-hand goods, but this chair... it's incredible. I couldn't pass it up, though I do look for it whenever I enter a furniture store. No dice - it's never there. I rub my eyes, slightly worried they're square from hours of staring at my laptop screen - I really shouldn't leave things until the day before the due date - and yawn. Now is the time when normal people would go to bed, you know, get some sleep. I, on the other hand, felt an odd craving for Robin Hood - that guy is the bomb, especially when he's also Kevin Costner. So, I slip the DVD in and curl up on the couch with a quilt and a cup of tea. Eventually I fall asleep and wake up to the DVD menu. I feel sleepy and comfortable, but I drag myself to my bed and snuggle in, falling back to sleep quickly.
::an[ph]ony and CaseSpace have joined the conversation::
an[ph]ony says: Hey hey, girl with the curls.
CaseSpace says: What's up dwarf one?
an[ph]ony says: I resent that. You know I'm sensitive about my height.
CaseSpace says: Sorry. I thought this was state-the-obvious day. What's going on anyway?
an[ph]ony says: Nothing. You know how it is - work, drink, party, work, drink some more. How is your fella going?
CaseSpace says: What fella?
an[ph]ony says: THE fella. The one everyone is talking about but no one has met - Levi? I was talking to Lena the other day - she's dying of curiosity. Literally dying.
CaseSpace says: Probably she's being a bit dramatic.
an[ph]ony says: It's not like you to be so secretive... is he a bogan?
CaseSpace says: You are the biggest bogan I know - and no, he's not a bogan. He is different though.
an[ph]ony says: Ooh, now I'm intrigued...
CaseSpace says: Hey - what happened to Bracken?
an[ph]ony says: What?
CaseSpace says: Nathan Bracken - the Australian cricketer. What happened to him? One moment his long, flowing locks were flapping about on our screens irritating the poms and the next he's poof! Gone!
an[ph]ony says: He was a fast bowler who didn't bowl very fast - he got dropped.
CaseSpace says: Oh. Rightio then.
an[ph]ony says: Hey! Don't change the subject one me like that! I know your game girlie!
CaseSpace says: There's nothing to say - I have to go anyway. Catch you tomorrow. I'll be the one working my ass off while you laze around gossiping.
::CaseSpace and an[ph]ony have left the conversation at 4:05pm::
The days leading up to exams are long and busy - I go to work like usual and try to cram for the exams. Almost every hour of my day is filled, going from uni to work to my desk at home. Even my bones are tired. The exam process is the same every time - first, denial. 'Don't worry about it, it's all good - there's plenty of time! It's going to be a cinch.'
Then, there's anger; the sheer volume of work confronts you and you rant to friends 'What the fuck? Are you kidding me? I don't know any of this stuff - how do they expect us to remember this? And no! I will not calm down!'
Next is the bargaining; 'Shit, this is crap. I wish I didn't have to do this - I'm going to fail! I'd do anything for just one more day, or to get out of it!'
What follows bargaining is always a deep depression; 'Dammit! I'm fucked. It's all over, I'm never going to pass. I might as well just give up now and not even attend exams.'
Finally, there is acceptance; 'Okay, so I'm screwed, but I guess I've got to do it anyway. I will get through it somehow.'
I went through these stages, textbook style. Pene and Lena were the same - we met for lunch one day, it was the most manic lunch I've ever been to. We were all semi-deranged and spent the whole time alternating between feverish bitching about the ridiculous amount of info professors expected us to remember and apply and laughing hysterically about nothing in particular. It was a fun lunch, if you're into that state-of-near-panic kind of thing. That was the day before my first exam, it was supposed to be a calming lunch to take my mind off things, instead it turned into a doomsday fiesta where all three of us decided we were going to fail miserably. It held me in good stead for my exam the following day.
Two weeks and four exams later and I am ready to let my hair down and get very, very drunk. I thought about Levi, I'd not seen him in a while, not for three weeks. I'd thought about him, sure, but I just hadn't had time. It wasn't like he'd called me either. Pene and Lena stopped harassing me about it over exam period, but I'm expecting them to pick up where they left off. I groaned when my phone buzzed on the table across the room from where I was splayed out on the couch watching reruns of Sea Patrol. Hauling myself out of the way too comfortable couch I grumbled all the way across the room.
i havent forgotten you know. about the guy. the secret guy. that ur dating secretly. without telling me. i will discover the truth!
Honestly, they are outrageously predictable. I messaged Lena back telling her that she would get nothing out of me short of
torture.
i hear sir smurfalot is on the menu tongiht...
Ha! She wishes. Sir Smurfalot is not coming anywhere near me ever, ever again. Like ever. In order to get out of this I tell her I'm seeing Levi tonight and she ought not count on me for any drunken shenanigans. She is stoked and blesses my adventures. Faced with either a night on my own now that I've blown off my friends, or with actually calling Levi.
I don't know why I'd built it up in my mind like this. I am dreading this call - probably it's the guilt for not calling in so long. I feel like maybe I'd actually been harassing him before - like I'd been a real annoyance, and that was why he hadn't called me either. Because he didn't want to. Because he hadn't enjoyed our date. I stared at my phone for a good ten minutes before I decided to just surprise him by just showing up. With several bottles of wine. And nachos. I really felt like nachos for some reason.
The ugly gargoyle peers at me as I shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably, waiting for what seems like forever. What was taking him so long? Then I hear the scrabble of claws on wood and the slower, fainter tread of Levi. The door swung inwards,
"Hi!" I said cheerfully, slipping past him inside, the wine bottles chinking happily together in my bag. "So are you hungry? I have stuff for nachos. I think it's time for celebration!"
"What are you doing here?"
"Well, I brought wine and food and I figured we could have a lounge room picnic?"
He looked grumpy. Angry. "No, I mean what are you doing here? After all this time? In my house?"
"I just told you -"
"What? So suddenly after deciding I wasn't worth even a phone call?" He snapped, his brow furrowed alarmingly.
"Oh give me a break! You never called me!"
"I initiated the date! It was your turn. Those are the rules."
"The rules? What are you on about?" I was blustering. I always wondered about blustering when I read about it in books - wondered if people actually did it in real life. They do.
"Look - I've been out of the game. The last time I had a girlfriend was sixteen and maybe these rules don't apply anymore. But I still think it was your turn to call me!"
"I'm sorry I didn't abide by some imaginary set of rules I didn't know about, but I've been busy, okay? I just finished my last exam today - I've been studying and working and stressed. Sorry."
"So that's why you didn't call?"
"Well, yeah. I should have called, okay? Sorry." There was a beat of silence and then he shrugged.
"Alright then. Did you say nachos?"
Well. That was easy. "I sure did! Come on, I'm starved."
We tramped into the kitchen, Levi moved so easily. He barely uses the stick hanging from his wrist. If I didn't know it, I could never have told he was blind if I'd just seen him in his own environment.
"So I don't know what kind of wine you like... so I bought red. Because it's kind of cold and I think this will warm us up nicely."
"Uhh, what do you mean?" Instead of explaining I just rummaged around in one of his cupboards and came out with nothing resembling a wine glass. I shrugged and poured generous mugfuls of cab merlot.
Levi sniffed the air, "That smells good. I haven't had anything to drink in a while, actually."
"Ooh, detoxing huh? I really should, but this is a fierce wretched time to be detoxing. Post exam period is one of shameless shenanigans and a lot of drunken antics!"
"It wasn't an intentional detox... just, who am I supposed to drink with? I refuse to be a blind alcoholic."
"Fair call. I can't really debate with that." I put the glass in his hand, "Okay, well, that time is no longer! You're going to wish you'd never met me by the time this night is over!"
If I hadn't known he couldn't see, I would have said he stared at me intensely. It actually felt like he was looking at me, seeing me. Then he turned away and murmured quietly, "Doubtful." I had a quick internal debate about whether I should acknowledge this or let it hang there. If it were Pene or Lena I would jump immediately and crow about how much they love me. This decided it -
"Oo-er! I heard that Levi! I think you love me, want me to stay forever and ever! I'm your bestest friend in the whole wide world, right?" I laughed and slung my arm around his shoulder, giving him a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. He blushed furiously and motored off into the living room. I giggled and followed, flopping down on the couch.
Later, after listening to the entire Temper Trap album with my eyes closed, we are both pretty darn drunk. I am well into my second bottle of wine, and so is Levi. The couch is swaying beneath me while I stare at the ceiling between chugging mouthfuls straight out of the bottle; Levi appears to be staring at the roof also, but mostly he is humming along to the music. I don't think he realises - probably he hasn't been drunk in a good long time.
"Okay!" I announce, "Time to dance!"
"What? No." He shakes his head decisively.
"Bollocks. We dance!" I did a fist pump and stumbled over to the music, switching to a more upbeat Art Vs Science, Aston Shuffle, M83 shuffle. I gallop around the room a few times shaking my booty, as I am apt to do when ridiculously sloshed. I add in a bit of the robot, feeling liberated that he A) can't see me and B) really wants to. His expression is giving a lot away as he sightlessly followed my movement around the room.
"Come on, blindy!" I grab his hand and drag him up, grinding against him with a whole bunch of confidence I don't usually have around fellows of the smoking hot persuasion.
"Did you just call me blindy?"
"Sure did!" He pauses for a moment, shrugs and then starts swaying unconvincingly so I proceed to bop energetically, flailing my, and by extension, his arms around. It is fun and after a few seconds he loses it and starts doing the running man.
"Holy shit," I screech through my hysterical laughter, "I didn't know you time-travelled from the eighties!" After another half hour of frenetic dancing about the living room a slower song came on - Gotye's Night Drive. This song always gets me - it's slightly etherial, slightly eery, slightly techno and extremely uplifting. Half a joke and half my drunken hormones propel me into Levi's arms for the song. Like well into his arms. We are dirty dancing with the best of them. His face is buried in my hair, I'd long since tossed his glasses onto the kitchen table and I am pressed as close to his body as I can get.
My hormones are out of control, so I can't see his performing any better - I am feeling hot and flushed with his body rubbing up against mine, my stomach tight and fluttering in anticipation. Then his lips are on my neck. If there is one thing that drives me crazy it's when guys kiss my neck, the hot breath against my skin, their stubble scraping gently. It sends me off my rocker and because it is Levi - who I am already wildly attracted to - and because I am fairly wasted, it annihilates any common sense I have left. I groan and slide my hands beneath his shirt, clinging to the firm muscles of his back. The little fire of desire ignites deep in my abdomen and my body temperature ratchets up a few dozen degrees. I want to touch every part of him at once. I'm pressed as close as I can get and my breathing is fast and broken. For a guy who hasn't fooled around that much he is sure a tease. Eventually his lips find my mine and it's on like Donkey Kong.
* * *
I wake curled up on the couch alone, fully dressed. My head is freaking the fuck out and the room is swaying like it's on the 'shrooms. I stagger to my feet, kicking over an empty wine bottle in the process, and totter down to the bathroom. Half an hour later I emerge seeing straight and feeling slightly less seedy. There is still no sign of Levi, but his bedroom door is closed so I don't go in there. Instead I make myself a cup of tea and head out to the back patio where I proceed to sit in a coma like state in the sun with Midget beside me, sporadically sipping tea and squinting into the sun. Eventually I decide to head indoors and check my phone for any terrible, drunken texts that I may have sent - I wasn't disappointed;
holyshitholyshitholyshit i fucked
Understandably, Lena was more than a little confused...
u fcked wat? r u drunk? omg did u and levi finally do the deed? bet it was hot as shit!
I scroll down to the next message with more than a little trepidation - did we do the deed? I tried thinking really hard, but I honestly couldn't remember. All I could recall was just about the sexiest dance session I've ever had and a little heavy petting - no actual sex. Or nudity at all. Though the feel of his smooth back beneath his shirt came back to me and it made my stomach flutter just thinking about it.
fucked everything up. we were about tothenhejust ran away! empty - hottTTTTest guy ever. proabbaly he never wasnt to seem me again.
Oh boy. This was bad. I couldn't decide if I was more cut about him not wanting to 'do the nasty', so to speak, last night, or that I told Lena everything. I am a disgrace to the alcoholic youths of our generation. If this gets on Text From Last Night I will lose my shit.
Case - calm down. he probably just freaked - performance anxiety? just leave it for now and talk in the morning. ill call u. dont chase him. dont throw urself him. xx
There are no more messages after this, but these were more than enough to go on. So we didn't have sex - he freaked out, ran away and locked himself in his room. God. This is going to be embarrassing.
I hear a door open inside and moments later another close. I sneak in to hear the shower turn on. I plonk on the couch to wait for him but after two minutes I am sweating wine and freaking out anew, so instead I grab my stuff and run, making sure to clear all the empty bottles away so Levi wouldn't stumble on any. The guilt is overwhelming as I book it home (probably I wasn't even sober enough to drive, but I didn't really care) but not as overwhelming as the pure shame from my behaviour the evening before. I'd acted like a right idiot. A real hussy. A tiny part of me piped up - told me maybe it didn't happen because well, because he wasn't even interested in me like that. I quashed that thought straight away because it was ridiculous - the guy wasn't getting any anywhere, I'm pretty sure he'd take whatever he could get. Maybe he did just freak out.
I collapse into bed when I get home, and remain passed out for a good few hours, waking only to pee and rehydrate. Late in the afternoon I mosey out to my handbag which is inexplicably stuffed behind a couch cushion to check my phone. There are four voicemail messages which were blank - just the sound of a phone being hung up and one text message -