by Anne Thomas
you need to come over. as soon as you get this.
I sat and stared at the wall for a good fifteen minutes before deciding that I ought to dredge up the dignity to go see him. At least he couldn't see how embarrassed I was. Although sometimes I wondered about that - he was a very intuitive boy. And I could run away without him catching me if things got too uncomfortable.
"Hey." I say when the ugly gargoyle swings inwards. Standing awkwardly in the doorway I sure feel his stare drilling into me.
"You ran away this morning." That feels like an accusation. I don't think I was the only one to blame for this debacle - sure I avoided him for a bunch of time, rocked up unannounced, got him wasted and tried to jump his bones -
"But you ran away last night!" Oh boy. That just popped out.
Levi sighs. "I'm sorry. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Last night - that was a mistake. I shouldn't have..."
I am horrified. I'd read him wrong - totally wrong. He isn't interested in me - I am just a convenient distraction from his boring, monotonous life. "Right. A mistake. Sure - I'm sorry too - I was drunk and it was my fault."
"No, it was mine. I took advantage of you. We were both drunk and I'm sorry."
"Okay. That's fine." My heart sinks - I thought, sans the drunken madness, that we really had some chemistry last night - I thought he felt it too. Apparently it was all a huge mistake for him. I fiddle with the edge of my shirt for a moment and stare at my feet, holding back the emotional tears threatening to pop out. "You know what?" I say, backing up, "I'm just gonna go. Alright? I've got to go - I'm going now. Okay. Well. Seeya - bye." Then I piss-bolt off down the path, driving away as fast as my crappy car can take me. I've just been well and truly rejected by a blind guy with a singular friend in the whole country.
Chapter 5
"That's ridiculous."
"No - honestly, we did."
"At your school? That stuff only happens in bad eighties coming-of-age films."
"Aaand at my high school - we were pretty feral. It took a couple of weeks to get all the students on board but when we did it - it was awesome. One of the most beautiful moments of my life."
"That is so cool. I am jealous. Teenagers in England are so much more dedicated to flash-mobbing teachers than here in Australia. It's so ridiculously unbelievable."
Levi grins and shoves another Mint Slice into his mouth, "Yeah it is. But it's true. They couldn't work it out. For a full five minutes’ no one moved an inch. Over the entire school - that's a thousand students. Even the Special Ed kids were in on it - though we did have to convince their aide to help us out..."
"All the same, it's still very well planned and executed. I'm going to get a drink of water - do you want something?"
"Yeah, just some water too, thanks." I turn to walk inside just as Levi scoops up Midget's ball and lobs it down the yard for her. That dog loves chasing balls way too much - she would chase them until she died of exhaustion if they kept getting thrown for her. Before I head inside I pause and watch him for a moment. He can tell, I know, because he has the hearing of a bat but sometimes I can't help but just look at him.
After my hissy fit and storming out episode a couple of weeks ago we'd both studiously ignored everything that happened that night. Sometimes we would accidentally touch and then jump back as if we both carried highly contagious diseases, then we'd deliberately change subjects and ignore that too. It was definitely a case of the elephant in the room - but neither of us were brave enough to broach it. I was clearly weak willed and still a little embarrassed that I had been rejected so thoroughly. I had no idea what was going through Levi's mind.
We'd been hanging out pretty regularly - almost every day, actually. Mostly we just chilled at his house - listened to music, traded childhood stories, other cliched things like that. It was all very on the surface - we didn't talk about anything deep or meaningful. Things were good though - we were bonding. I was happy. I think. There was something missing though, and I knew it was revealed by those physical, heated moments between us. Now it is a gaping hole between us. My sting at being rejected, his vulnerability, what difference did it make? Neither of us knew what the other was doing or thinking.
I was at his house again and the day was peaceful. It was cool, though warm for winter, so I discarded my jumper over the back of the couch when I sat down. Levi had stopped expecting me to up and leave, thinking that I would be tired of his disability. And I had stopped treating him as anything other than normal because the fact that I had to try to treat him normally at the start kind of indicated that I wasn't. Also I was over the rejection - though I still stare at him shamelessly. He didn't know, so it couldn't hurt him. He really was gorgeous. Things felt comfortable between us now. I liked that.
"I'm not a real man." He announces out of the blue. I don't know what to say to this, really. I am sitting on the couch with my feet tucked under me reading a magazine article about the 90s garage rock movement and its fashion implications between randomly googling the band names the article mentioned. I also stumble upon Steampunk which is simultaneously one of the more bizarre trends to occur in the last few decades and potentially the most awesome.
Levi is sitting next to me with his computer in his lap. He hasn't typed a word in a while. In one hand is his iPod which he scrolls through, randomly putting on music. Right now I'm fairly certain we're listening to the soundtrack from the Cirque du Soleil.
His announcement takes me somewhat by surprise, "Uhh..." I stutter out, looking up from the high gloss pages in my lap.
Levi tries again, his voice sounds low and angry. It so often is. "I'm not a real man. I've never had a girlfriend; you know? I slept with a girl once when I was sixteen but apart from that, nothing." He pauses and looks angry and embarrassed. I don't say anything because I don't want him to stop, and I'm afraid of what I might say. Sometimes I am less than tactful.
"I'm 23 years old, blind and a complete hermit-loser. My great grandmother who has no teeth or memory has more of a life than me. I have no one." He finishes angrily and his words thunk into my chest. My throat tightens and I fight back tears. I stand and ignore the magazine which falls face down at my feet, bent and straining at its binding.
"You had me, asshole." I say and then stalk from the house. He can only wallow in self-pity for so long, I'd told myself. Seems I was wrong. He is still well in that zone and doesn't show any signs of surfacing despite our friendship.
I am halfway down the path when he runs into me from behind, grabbing my arm to steady himself. He forces me to turn and face him.
"Wait," He says. I don't want to. "I didn't mean it like that."
"Sure didn't sound like there was much room for interpretation." I'm not giving him anything. I am sick of treading carefully around the fact that he's a self-deprecating ass when he doesn't need to be. Not around me.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot."
"Yes." I agree. His apology doesn't take the hurt away.
"Casey," He begins and then stops, as if he can't find the words. His mouth twists and he starts again, "What do you think of me, really?" He asks and his face looks nervous, fearful and young. I find myself being the strong one again. Sometimes I wish that he would take care of me instead of pushing me away constantly. It is getting tiresome.
"I think," I begin slowly, "that you need to trust me. I think that you need to do what you want without beating yourself up first. Stop being the victim, Levi, it doesn't become you." I go to pull away but his big hand tightens around my arm.
"You think I like being the victim?" He sounds like I just told him that Midget has to get put down.
"You never try to be anything else."
"I never have the opportunity! I'm always on the back foot! I'm always the one scrabbling around like an idiot! I'm the one who can't see!"
I sneer at him, getting angry now, "You are an idiot and you can't hide behind being blind with me, Levi! Not anymore." My voice cracks a little and I know h
e'll notice. There is a tightness at the corners of my eyes and I know I need to bail before the tears roll. "Not now." I say again. He flinches away and I know I'm too late. The tears fall.
He knows, of course, he can probably hear them sliding down my cheeks with that supersonic hearing of his.
"Jesus, Casey." He says. I don't know what he means by it. His hand releases my arm and his fingers travel lightly over my shoulder before coming to a halt with his palm resting on the side of my face. His thumb swipes the tears from my left cheek.
"Jesus, Casey," He repeats, "Please don't cry." I hiccough and sniff, angry at myself. I am tired of waiting for him to stop having a complex over every single thing so I place my hand over his, turn my head and press my lips to his warm palm.
"You are an idiot." I say and then I bolt to my car before he can grab me again. I see him frozen in my rearview in the same spot as I drive off home with the tears still falling.
By the time I pulled into my driveway my eyes are dry, but sore and red. I close myself in my room and immerse myself in the most fantastic, comedic book on my shelf - try to live for a while in someone other world, while mine seems so complicated. I like how in books the characters, conflicted as they are, always seem to know, instinctively, that the answer is right around corner, that no matter how much they flail about in uncertainty, it won't last for ever. The right course of action will come to them. Or perhaps it's the reader who knows this. In any case the book took my mind off things and by the time I through it down, read, on my bed my back is cramped from the awkward position I'd been lying in and that was a whole new kettle of fish to worry about.
I don't see him for two weeks. I don't take his calls and I don't listen to his messages. I know I am being petty and immature but I don't really know what to do. Lena and Penelope keep harassing me about meeting him and I keep putting them off, but it won't be long before I break. He is drowning in a pool of self hate and doubt and that is a poisonous thing for me to be around. He doesn't know what it's like to be someone's friend anymore and I'd tried to show him, to no avail. He remains bitter and prickly, despite my best efforts.
I am in my room reading a trashy romance novel and getting upset again when my mobile rings. I check the caller ID. Lena. Safe.
"Ya hallo - Casey's dry-cleaning service. How may I help you?"
"Yeah, nice Case. What the hell did you do? Disable your door bell? Let me in!" Good response to my ridiculous greeting.
"Uh, sure. Maybe the battery ran out. Do those things have batteries? One sec." I hang up without warning as payback because that pisses her off and I go to the front room, opening the door. Lena is standing there with her phone in hand. I move aside so she can pass me and come in. She doesn't. Instead she glares at me, then waggles her phone at me, letting me know exactly what she thinks of my phone manners.
"Are you coming in?" I prompt.
She checks her watch, "Nope, I have a lunch date with Handsome Hague." She winks at me and runs back down the short driveway to her car. I am baffled, as always, by her motives. "Oh," she turns and yells out to me, "Don't be a bitch please, Case, he doesn't deserve it." Now I am really confused. As she drives off I wonder if she is referring to Hague because we'd already made amends. Namely, he promised he would not treat Lena like trash and I wouldn't interfere. A compromise, of sorts.
"I believe she's talking about me." Levi's voice takes me by surprise and I almost fall over when I look behind the door and see him leaning up against the wall.
"Holy shit." I say, startled, "Where did you come from?"
"You wouldn't take my calls," He says, moving to stand in front of me. He takes my breath away. "I had to resort to desperate measures. I asked your friend Lena to help me."
"How?" I don't really care though. I am distracted by the golden brown stubble across his cheeks and jaw. I like a man with the beginnings of a beard. Also I can smell the soap he used. It is very nice and very distracting.
"I found her friend across the road. You mentioned him the first time you came over."
"Oh." He remembers that? Jesus.
"I miss you coming over." He says, when I stay silent. It sounds like it takes him a lot to open up like this. "I keep expecting to hear you at the door but you're never there." He pushes a strand of hair off his forehead, "Or if there is someone, it's never you."
"Sorry." What do I say to that? It has taken a lot of self control to not answer his calls or go over there. A hell of a lot, in fact.
"No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I chased you away when you were only trying to be my friend."
"Yeah," He did. There is a long silence.
Levi breaks it awkwardly. "Can I... I've forgotten how you look, Casey, since that first time." He fumbles with the words, hesitant, "Can I look at you again?"
I know it will be my undoing and I suspect, so does he. I agree anyhow, because I simply cannot resist. "Okay." I say and hold perfectly still. This time he doesn't need my help to start out.
Levi steps close to me; so close our bodies are almost touching when we breathe. His hands find my face easily and his fingers explore like last time. They make me weak in the knees. They make me blush. Like last time he lets them cup my face at the end, leaving them there. This time, though, I don't pull away. I can't make myself. I know what he is going to do before he does it but I don't try and stop him. I want it so badly I almost need it.
Slowly, ever so teasingly, he lowers his face and brushes his lips across mine. I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck, tangling my fingers in his hair and deepening the kiss. Levi is eager and unlike the drunken snog we'd shared a couple of months ago - this one is hesitant and sweet. I pull away after a few moments, panting a little. Levi doesn't let me go, though, so I rest my head on his shoulder. I fit perfectly under his chin. His arms tighten around me and he doesn't say anything. I don't either. I can't think of anything to say. He smells really good.
Levi presses his lips to the top of my head after a while and then lets me go, stepping back. His cheeks are on fire; I suspect they match my own. I invite him inside, take his hand and lead him to the living room. He sits on the couch and twists his fingers together nervously. His head, out of habit, I expect, twitches in the direction of noises. As if he can see them if he moves fast enough. I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do but I also know that probably it would be highly inappropriate. Instead I kneel in front of him.
"Levi, I think I need to try this seeing business." He frowns in confusion but doesn't speak. "Hold still." I order. Then I reach up and take off his glasses. His eyes confront me but I don't care about them anymore.
"Have you got your eyes closed?" His husky voice startles me.
"No," I say.
"It's cheating otherwise." Reproachful, but I hear the catch in his throat.
"Okay." I can only manage one word. My mouth feels dry, I licked my lips and take a deep breath. Then I repeat his process slowly, I can feel his heartbeat quicken as my fingers move over his rough throat. His lips part and he holds his breath as my thumb touches them. I almost cry there is so much longing on his face. His disability broke him all those years ago and left him lying on the floor bleeding. Until me, no one has bothered putting him back together. I pull his face down to mine and kiss each of his eyelids which twitch under the intimacy. I repeat his action and press my lips to his forehead before resting my cheek against his. The intimacy is overwhelming.
His arm snakes around my waist and pulls me up onto his lap. Anchors me tight there, with our cheeks touching and our breath fanning into each others hair. We sit like that for a long while, but then I start to get sore from sitting so still and I figure his legs have probably gone numb by now. I pull away and he reluctantly lets me go. I pick his glasses up off the table and press them into his hand. He puts them on with relief - they are like a security blanket to him.
I have no idea what to say - things just got real. I've never felt this much for any boy I've dated before. Nor
so intensely. I stand before him and drink him in. There is a fire there - one that hasn't been there before. Like the initiative he'd taken in coming here, the courage it had taken him, had made him believe in himself. It is unbelievably sexy. I look at him and I realise this is what I'd been waiting for. What I'd been hoping for all these months, so I take his hand and pull him up off the couch. I kiss him again softly and then lead him to my room.
Chapter 6
It's September now and we've been dating hesitantly for almost a month. I spend a lot of time at his place. I've never had so much sex in my life - apparently he has a lot of catching up to do and let me assure you, his not having eyesight is definitely not a disability in the bedroom. Or any other room for that matter.
There are times when I want to punch him in the face because he is continually horribly self deprecating. I regularly get furious with him and storm out. Or just go and hide somewhere in the house where he can't find me.
"I'm bored." Levi says, one day when we've just finished listening to the Jinja Safari album 'Locked By Land'. We spend an inordinate amount of time listening to music.
"Well. I don't know. We could do something."
"Like what?"
"Go for a walk? Throw rocks at cars from the overpass? Interpretive dance for money on Hay Street?"
"Be serious. God. I never used to get bored when it was just me! How is it now you're always around we're constantly getting bored?"
"Geez. Thanks man."
"No - I don't mean it like that - it's almost like I was in a trance for half my days."
"Well, you don't have much food in the fridge. We could go shopping?" I'd taken over doing shopping trips and stuff like that from his cousin. I think his cousin was relieved - sometimes Levi is a cantankerous, ungrateful bastard.