by Anne Thomas
A moment later Metallica came on and I grimaced. That was Hague saying harden up and get back out here. So I did and I tried to ignore the sympathetic looks from my friends and equally the glares Levi was getting. After another half hour of him acting like a complete and utter prick to me I announced that I had work in the morning so we ought to leave. I hugged everyone goodbye and Handsome whispered in my ear good luck. I hoped I wouldn't need it.
"Okay, so what is wrong with you?" We entered his house and I couldn't keep the question back any longer. The car ride here was painfully silent and awkward - he had just stared straight ahead and ignored me the entire time.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you embarrassed me back there. You were acting like a total wanker! My friends think you're a horrible person now!"
"Maybe I am! Maybe I deserve to be alone. Why are you with me anyway? Are you that ugly you can't do better than a blind asshole?"
"I am with you because I like you! But now I'm not so sure..."
"Well, here's the excuse you've been looking for to leave me."
"What are you talking about?" I grabbed his arm and pulled him around to face me. I hated having conversations with his broad back. "Are we on the same level here? What is wrong?"
He shoved me away and I stumbled backward into the couch, "Just leave me alone, okay? I never asked you to hang around and pester me or introduce me to your friends like a chimp at a zoo - I don't need your charity! I'm not some project to fix before you move onto better things and someone else!" I was crying then and I know he could tell - I'm fairly sure he can smell tears in the air. His tone never changed, though, it was harsh and cold and hurtful.
"Why are you doing this?"
"It's for the best. You don't want to be tied to me forever. Here's the easy out you wanted."
"I was never looking for an out! I can't believe it's about what Penelope and Lena said at dinner. I was just a kid when I had those dreams. Just a kid in a small town dreaming of escape. I have a life here now. I thought I had a life with you!"
"You should leave."
"Handsome called it. He said you would do this." My body was weary and sore - like the hateful things he was saying were wounding me physically.
"Talking behind my back, huh?"
"No! It wasn't like that! He was telling me that... that you think you're holding me back. He was warning me that you were going to hurt me." I paused and took a breath, "I guess he was right."
"Yeah, well why don't you go fuck him in thanks. I bet you'd like that - Handsome Hague isn't it?" I choked back a sob and reached out, touching his cheek. He flinches away and clenches his fists. Everything about him is tense and waves of angry energy are rolling off him. I clutch my arms around my middle and breathe noisily.
"Please, Levi, don't do this anymore. I want to be with you - don't say these things." I whisper through my tears. This man can make me cry with the drop of a hat. The hateful look on his face has my stomach twisting in knots.
"Or what?"
"Or you'll get what you really don't want. Please."
"Yeah? What might that be?"
"I will leave, Levi, and depending on how much I hate you in the morning for all this, I might not come back. And turning to my friends won't work this time because if you hurt me they will protect me and you will never see me again."
He pulled away again and walked down the dark hall. Just before he closed the door of his bedroom he said, "Well that's hardly an issue for me, is it?"
I could barely breathe. I had never been so hurt before. Somehow in a daze I drove home and made it to the toilet to throw up Pene's amazing cooking. I cleaned my teeth, changed into pyjamas and threw up again. A second teeth cleaning later I retreated to the backyard, staring out at the night. The same night that reached everywhere.
In the morning I wake feeling drained. After hours sitting outside getting eaten by mozzies I'd moved to lying sleepless in bed. Eventually, when the first light of dawn was brushing my curtains, I'd dozed off and slept fitfully. I get my computer out and open it. I already know what to do. I'd lied last night when I told them my savings were non-existent - I'd been saving my whole life for a reason that hadn't presented itself until now. I'd been saving for an escape route from pain. I had to go away. Soon. I have to get the wanderlust out of my blood. I have to get away from the broken, beautiful man who is torturing me every moment. I call into work sick and grimaced at the guilt I was feeling - no doubt I'd feel worse when I call in to quit later.
Pene and Lena both call to see if I'm alright. I tell them, never better! I say we sorted it all out when we got to his place and everything was as it should be, which is as far as I can tell, the truth. I've decided I won't chase Levi - I did all the work to get us to this point and all he did was push me away at every turn and hurt me irreversibly, it feels like. Yes, he was damaged, yes he'd suffered more than his fair share but, and this had crystallized last night as I relived our entire relationship over and over, if I stayed with him I would be bitter and damaged as well. This is something I never want to be and if that means being hurt a little now, well so be it.
Levi never called.
So now I sit at my computer and I rediscover all the places I was in love with a few years ago.
::CaseSpace and Random!Hague have joined the conversation::
Random!Hague says: How's it hanging, home fry?
CaseSpace says: Hey Handsome - not so bad. I think I'll pull through. I need a favour off you though...
Random!Hague says: Sure. Whatever you need, doll-face.
CaseSpace says: Enough with the names. You can't tell Lena about this, okay?
Random!Hague says: Why? She is the ear of my heart after all...
CaseSpace says: You're an idiot. If you tell her she'll flip and then come over and talk me out of it. You know how easily peer pressured I am!
Random!Hague says: I LOLed because you're the least easily peer pressured person I know. But I won't tell her - you've sworn me to silence. What do you need?
CaseSpace says: A lift to the airport. Tomorrow night.
Random!Hague says: What? Why? Where are you going? What about Levi? You shouldn't run away. How on earth do you have the money for this?
CaseSpace says: Kudos on the question asking - getting them all out the way, huh?
Random!Hague says: I thought I'd save some time, yeah.
CaseSpace says: Okay, I'm going to South America - first stop Venezuela. I'm going to climb the Tepui - living the dream, you know? And I have money because I lied last night... I've been saving straight out of primary school. I'm richer than the pope.
Random!Hague says: Bah!
CaseSpace says: Fine. I'm not richer than him, but I have enough to go away for a few months and get my shit night Levi made it abundantly clear that I was unwelcome in his house any longer. It's for the best, I'm sure. No one has ever been so cruel to me. Probably I can't forgive that anyway.
Random!Hague says: To be honest - I want to go kick the shit out of him, Case. You're worth way more than that. But are you sure you should be dropping everything and running?
CaseSpace says: Yes. I need to. I graduated and now I'm in some sort of limbo. You're right, Levi was holding me back. It didn't matter when I was happy with him but now... Well, what's the point in anything but leaving?
Random!Hague says: Okay, if that's what you want... You need to tell the girls though. You can't just leave the country indefinitely and not tell your best friends!
CaseSpace says: As a self-confessed coward, I actually can.
Random!Hague says: I'm telling Lena.
CaseSpace says: You're an awful friend.
Random!Hague says: No, I'm a good one. And we're going out tonight - your last night in town and all!
CaseSpace says: Is there any way I can dissuade you?
Random!Hague says: Absolutely not.
CaseSpace says: Fine. You win. I'll see you later.
::CaseSpace has left th
e conversation at 12:51pm::
::Random!Hague has left the conversation at 12:52pm::
And then, in the hours between my friends showing up and us getting monumentally wasted, it's all I can do to not call him between packing and cleaning the house. Some part of me feels like the sound of his voice would take it all away, it would be comfortable again and I would be me again. I wouldn't be leaving, I would be going over his house and having a cup of tea or taking him to the CD store and buying a dozen CDs to listen to through the night. Though he is the cause of my discomfort the itch is there - I want to see him. I want to hear him apologise, beg, be a little vulnerable for once. This is not going to happen though, because for all he's blind and reliant on people - he is cold. He is emotionally distant and he is a lot of hard work. And I am tired. I am tired to my bones.
Last night is a blur. I awake, shockingly not that hung over and shockingly early, with one thought in mind - to see Levi before my flight leaves in a few hours. Just one time before I leave. So I drive over - I know he'll be awake because he loves the sounds of the morning. The birds and people getting up and going to work. Others walking their dogs, or their kids to school. I pull into the driveway and tackle the ugly gargoyle.
"Go away, Casey. I don't want to see you."
My hands are shaking - "I need to speak to you."
"I don't want to listen."
Tears collect in my eyes but I need to do this. "Fine. Don't open the door, but please hear me out." There is silence but I hadn't heard him walk away, so I assume he's still there. "Levi, I don't know if I entirely understand why you said all those things and I need you to know no one has ever hurt me so badly. I really liked you Levi, I think that probably with time I would have loved you." I rest my head on the door and place a palm flat next to it.
"I really, really liked you but you should know I'm not coming back after this. You're not good for me. We're not good together. I'm going to Venezuela and I don't know when I'll be back in the country, so I guess you get what you were aiming for." I pulled back from the door, "I tried, Levi, I tried so hard to help you see the colours again. You just wouldn't let me in. Have a better life... I hope you find someone who you like more than me, maybe then you will be able to heal."
I hang the necklace he gave me at graduation on the doorknob and walk away. I get in my car and start the engine. By the time I've reversed out of the drive I'm full on bawling. I glance over one last time and sob when I see he's opened the door. He stands there in only a pair of running shorts with Midget at his side. I can see he is holding the necklace, gripping it tightly. His head follows the sound of my car as I drive off.
Chapter 7
It has been seven months since I left Australia. For the last two I've been working on a small resort in the Rockies. Johnston Canyon is everything I needed after the intensity and awareness of single travel through Venezuela, Peru and Chile. I did a lot of cliched soul searching and spent a lot of time drunk among strangers. I hiked and I hitched rides. I ate the scorpion from a tequila bottle, I followed the footsteps of the Incas. I walked the Andes with two Maori brothers. I learned to swear in Spanish. I met hundreds of people and took thousands of photos. I was happy.
But now, I was penniless. Finding the job at Johnston Canyon Resort was simple with my friend Google and a legitimate working visa. Working here is good - I don't have the time or the energy to think about the past. I work at least a hundred hours a fortnight and when I'm not working I'm hiking, or drinking with mates. The longer I'm here, the easier it is to think about things. Think about Levi, or home. Two weeks in and I was dreadfully homesick…
::CaseSpace, LENAway and penELOPE have joined the conversation::
LENAway says: Come home!
CaseSpace says: Why? I'm working a hundred hours a fortnight for a pittance. I never have any time for myself and the people who I work with a totally weird. Why on earth would I come home?
penELOPE says: Your words scream misery.
CaseSpace says: No. At best they begrudgingly mutter sarcasm.
LENAway says: Smartass. I no longer miss you.
CaseSpace says: Well I miss you guys! Seriously, I do. But I'm not ready to come home yet. Besides, I still have like almost two years on my work visa for Canada. I don't want to waste it!
LENAway says: Just come home and visit!
CaseSpace says: On whose dime? I don't see you pulling out your credit card for my trip home.
penELOPE says: I think you should come home too. You've been away long enough.
CaseSpace says: I haven't even been away for a full year! You guys are mental and I'm not coming home.
penELOPE says: Then I have nothing left to say.
::penELOPE has left the conversation at 6:44pm::
LENAway says: She really misses you.
CaseSpace says: So it would seem.
LENAway says: So what happened with that guy you hooked up with in Chile? The Dutch one.
CaseSpace says: It was just a fling. He was a great screw but a bit of an idiot out of bed.
LENAway says: Bummer. You know Handsome and I have been seeing each other for a year and two months now?
CaseSpace says: Who knew? That's a long time. I never would have guessed you two.
LENAway says: You sure did your best to make it not happen.
CaseSpace says: I don't regret that. I love you both - I didn't realise you'd be so compatible!
LENAway says: No kidding. Enough of Handsome. He gets a big head whenever he thinks I'm talking about him. I can see it growing; oisjdg [oin[o[inwrgoihgnsfdn
CaseSpace says: What was that?
LENAway says: Hague thought it would be entertaining to mash his ass all over my keyboard. The clown. Ooh! Guess who I ran into the other day?!
CaseSpace says: Your ex Michael?
LENAway says: Boy. What a guess. I never would have thought you'd say that in a million years. Your mind works in mysterious ways.
CaseSpace says: So what did he say?
LENAway says: Oh, I didn't run into Michael. I'd hardly know what he looked like if he offered me smack in an alleyway.
CaseSpace says: Then why did you…?
LENAway says: You surprised me. Anyway, I ran into Levi. He was at the supermarket with his cousin.
LENAway says: Are you there?
LENAway says: Case, come baaaaaaaack!
LENAway says: I thought you were over him? That's what you said last time. Liar.
CaseSpace says: I was not! I had to go pee just now. That's why I didn't answer.
LENAway says: I can literally see the column of smoke from your pants which are quite clearly on fire. He looks good. Fit. He was smiling and laughing and joking around with his cousin. They were eating fruit yoghurt squares from the bulk buy bin, then an IGA worker dude came up and yelled at them so Levi looked all pitiful with his blind-guy dog and the worker let them off.
CaseSpace says: I don't care what he's doing.
LENAway says: Sure you do. I can basically hear you caring.
CaseSpace says: What is this? Global Day of Exaggerating and Being a General Nuisance?
LENAway says: Fine. I won't tell you what he said to me. I guess I'll be going...
CaseSpace says: No! Don't go. Tell me. I do care.
LENAway says: There's no shame in that. I never said anything to him, but he must have recognised my voice - I'd been on the phone to Handsome - and he called out to me. "Lena-" He said, "Lena, wait! Can I ask you something?" I told him he already had and he told me to stop being a twat. He asked - "How is she?" I told him that you were in Canada working. I told him you were fantastic and happy. I told him probably you wouldn't be back for another couple of years.
CaseSpace says: I don't know what to say. Did he seem...?
LENAway says: He looked disappointed when I said that. He misses you. But there is no way you're going near him again.
CaseSpace says: Excuse me?
LENAway says: Casey! Think about it! You kn
ew him for about, what? Eight months? You were dating for two, tops. Then he dumps you and within a few days you up and fly across the world! What happens if you come home and somehow you guys get back together then he does it again? Once an asshole, always an asshole. No, I won't stand for it.
CaseSpace says: It isn't really your decision though, is it?
LENAway says: Don't get snippy.
CaseSpace says: I'm not snippy! And anyway, I'm over him. I don't know how many times I need to tell you guys this.
LENAway says: You should stay away for a while longer. Meet a nice Canadian boy. Meet a nice American boy... Meet any nice boy! Forget about Levi. He is old news. He is bad news.
CaseSpace says: Too late for that.
LENAway says: Say what?
CaseSpace says: I'm coming home. I was just teasing before. The season ends here in October and I already have my flight back. I land at 9am on October 15th.
LENAway says: Are you telling me you're going to be home in just over two months?
CaseSpace says: Affirmative.
LENAway says: Handsome just peed himself a little he was so excited… He told me to tell you he didn't… But I see the wet patch.
CaseSpace says: That's disgusting.
LENAway says: I know, right? Gross. He has a load of disgusting habits. Do you know the other day he made me come into the bathroom and look at his poop? To be fair, it was the longest poop I ever saw, but still. I wasn't super pleased to be staring at it at 8:30 in the morning.
CaseSpace says: Oversharing! You're doing it. Please stop.
LENAway says: I'm happy you're coming home, Casey.
CaseSpace says: I think it's time.
LENAway says: So long as you're sure.
CaseSpace says: I am. I have to go now though - they just called me into the restaurant to help out. Apparently they're busy. Love you!
::CaseSpace has left the conversation at 7:00pm::