by Anne Thomas
::LENAway has left the conversation at 7:00pm::
Two months in this place with the prospect of another two more was wearing me down. It's a beautiful spot but it's so isolated! I don't have a car, so I can't just leave. The people here, despite what I said to Lena and Penelope, were nice but living and working with the same twenty people day in day out was exhausting. I would stick it out through the summer season and go home with some cash. One good thing about this place was the fact that I could easily save almost my entire paycheck and live off tips. North America rocks in terms of tipping. I've already paid off my credit card bill and hopefully I'll get home with a bit of cash so I won't be begging for scraps on the streets or selling The Big Issue to disinterested office workers.
::CaseSpace and YourMother have joined the conversation::
YourMother says: Honey, how are you?
CaseSpace says: I'm good. Went out to Lake Louise canoeing yesterday. I think my arms are actually dying while still attached to my body.
YourMother says: See? I always miss your drama.
CaseSpace says: Cheers, mum. I love you too. But seriously, my arms are killing me. Even typing is giving me cramps.
YourMother says: Why don't you get Skype? I use it to talk to your cousins all the time. It's much better than this instant messaging business.
CaseSpace says: Eeeghhh. I hate Skype! I hate talking on the phone - Skype has video and that's like a million times more horrifying.
YourMother says: You are the strangest daughter I ever raised.
CaseSpace says: I'm the only daughter you ever raised.
YourMother says: True.
CaseSpace says: So where are Sally and Emma at the moment?
YourMother says: India - last week I spoke to Emma for a good half hour and they were in Mumbai at the time. Loving it, apparently. Like you, they seem set to never come home.
CaseSpace says: That's ridiculous - I will come home at some point.
YourMother says: So long as your having the time of your life. Then you can come home and settle down with a nice man and give me some grandkids. Now is the time to sow your wild oats… I remember when I was traveling in my early twenties. I definitely sowed some wild oats.
CaseSpace says: Enough mum! I'm 21, far too young to hear about your sex life and far too young to be having kids. Not for at least six years…
CaseSpace says: Although, speaking of kids - have you been starting and running my car every couple of days? I really don't want to have to buy a new battery when I get home.
YourMother says: Funny story that…
CaseSpace says: Mum! Come on! You promised!
YourMother says: I did. I was failing at my promise though so I dropped your car at Mick's.
CaseSpace says: Are you pulling the piss?
YourMother says: No. Mick is very good with cars. You know this.
CaseSpace says: Yeah, he's good at stealing them and hocking the parts to equally shady characters!
YourMother says: That is no way to talk about your cousin.
CaseSpace says: Second cousin. If my car is missing any parts when I come home, I'm going to rat him out to the cops.
YourMother says: Calm down, Casey. He isn't going to do anything but keep it in good nick. He's turning a corner, you know.
CaseSpace says: Last time you said that he went from dealing meth to dealing prescription drugs. That is not a corner. That is at best and S-bend.
YourMother says: I spoke to him yesterday. He says your car is fine and that he changed all the filters for you. He also says your fan-belt is cracked and he will change that when he prices a new one.
CaseSpace says: Oh. Well. Tell him cheers.
YourMother says: Tell him yourself.
CaseSpace says: Fine! I will next time he's online. I have to go now, mum - my shift starts in 30 minutes and I have to shower because I stiiiiiiink.
YourMother says: Charming. Your father says he loves you and he misses you.
CaseSpace says: The same to him. Good talk, mum. x
::CaseSpace has left the conversation at 11:33am::
::YourMother has left the conversation at 11:33am::
::CaseSpace and MICKyourDAY have joined the conversation::
MICKyourDAY says: Yeehaw cousin! How are thinks in big old cowboy country?
CaseSpace says: Same old - dodging bears, playing ringtoss with squirrels and elk antlers… How's business for you?
MICKyourDAY says: Super - I scored a fan-belt, a new radiator and a new panel for your driver's door the other day. Your ride is going to be mint by the time you come back.
CaseSpace says: Am I going to be driving around in a car where the majority of parts come from sources of very questionable legality?
MICKyourDAY says: Nothing traceable, Case. I'm just not that sort of guy. Don't even worry about it. Everything will pristine on this baby within the month. Also, I have a mate who is handy with a spray gun - what colour do you want it?
CaseSpace says: That funny rusty orange, please.
MICKyourDAY says: Sweet. I know the one. You want new interiors? I found some nice leather ones the other day…
CaseSpace says: No thanks - my legs stick to leather when I sweat. Me no likey.
MICKyourDAY says: Done. I've got to roll, little cousin. Oh, by the way some guy called me the other day - said a friend of his gave him my number. Somehow knew we are cousins. He told me to tell you that your friends won't pass on any messages and that I should tell you this - "Tell her I am starting to see again. Tell her I am starting to see the colours." I tell you what, it was bloody weird. Anyway, adios Case - keep living the dream. Let me know if you change your mind on the colour in the next couple of days, yeah?
::MICKyourDAY has left the conversation at 9:13pm::
CaseSpace says: Mick! Come back! You need to explain! Oh you ass-hat. I can't believe you're gone. Ass-hat, ass-hat, ass-hat.
::CaseSpace has left the conversation at 9:15pm::
Chapter 8
"Casey!"
The voice chills me and fills me with nervous excitement. The northern English accent, the deep tone - they bring on a rush of memories. Some make me blush, some make me cringe. I want to run and smack the owner out all in one panicked moment. I compromise by freezing and not saying a word. The sales clerk is a girl I knew from uni who I've been chatting to about my travels is watching curiously. Boy, she is in for a surprise.
"Casey, I know you're there - I was listening to you for the last few minutes. Don't be silly - come talk to me. I have a few things I need to say to you."
I sigh in frustration. Dani, the sales clerk looks at me reproachfully. I've been back in town almost two months and I'd felt no inclination to seek him out. Apparently fate has decided to intervene.
"Fine. I'll talk to you." I grab his wrist between two fingers and drag him out of the store, feeling quite annoyed that my relaxing day of shopping has been interrupted by Levi, Australia's resident blind heart-breaking dickhead. "So? What?"
"I never realised you actually left the country, for the longest time. I thought you were joking. After a month, after... that last time, I took a taxi to your house, but you weren't there. You were never there. Almost every day for two months I would bang on your front door. Then one day Lena was there and she told me that at that very moment you were shacking up with some Dutch botanist in Rio or Santiago or something. I was devastated." He is saying it all in such a matter-of-fact way that I am confused about how I should be feeling. Am I supposed to be guilty? Upset? Commiserating?
"I was in a bad way," Levi continues. He isn't even looking at me, he's facing slightly to the side, his head turned away from me. "I mean; I know I hurt you but... I needed you. I couldn't understand that you would abandon me like you did." It is a couple of seconds before I realise I need to breathe.
"I... I..."
"Don't worry about it. After that my Silver Chain nurse and my cousin started to take me to therapy. It was the best thing that
ever happened to me." Now I am upset for real. He is standing there, calm as anything telling me I was a huge mistake and was basically a low point in his life. Makes me feel excellent about myself, especially since I thought what we had was real and magnificent.
"Great. That's just fantastic, Levi. I'm super happy for you. If you don't mind, I'm going to go before I have the chance to ruin your life again."
I turn and take a step but he is too quick and uncannily accurate - before I can barely move he has an iron grip on my arm.
"I haven't finished, Casey. You didn't ruin my life. You showed me... You showed me that the way I was living was unhealthy - it was hurting everyone I came in contact with. I hurt you and I'm sorry for it." He loosens his grip and moves his hand to my shoulder. "Please, Casey, accept my apology. I hope you forgive me and I hope we can be friends again."
My mind is reeling. Friends? Therapy? Who is this guy? The one time I ever mentioned the T word he almost ripped my head from my shoulders. Who is this person in front of me in his form fitting, fashionable jeans and hip charcoal v-neck tee? Who is this guy with the cool haircut and leather wristband? The Ray Bans hanging nonchalantly on his collar, unafraid of people seeing his eyes?
"I hope you're as happy with your new man as I am with Amber."
"What?"
"Honey? There you are! I got the stuff!" A girl suddenly latches onto his arm - she is gorgeous and clad in what I strongly suspect to be head to toe Burberry. Probably real, but I wouldn't rule out decent counterfeit. Long gold hair, tiny waist, long legs. Any guys wet dream.
"Hey sweetie," Levi says, kissing her on the cheek. What the fuck is going on? Have I suddenly entered the twilight zone? The only things Levi ever greeted me with were 'Hey Case,' or when he was feeling creative 'oi, eyeballs', or when he was in an awesome mood - 'girlie'. Never 'honey' or 'sweetie' or 'possum' or whatever it is that people call their significant others these days. I didn't mind because I'm not huge on endearments but hearing him say it to this bitch with her perfect hair and body and fashion makes me a little jealous.
"You're Casey, right?" She asks, in what I can only describe as a chirpy fashion, "I am so pleased to meet you! You know? I could tell right away it was you because Levi never looks so down." I turn my gaze to Levi who looked like he wouldn't flinch if you shoved several pieces of Lego and a small dog up his nostril.
"Yeah. I'm Casey. The huge downer."
"I'm Amber - if it weren't for you, I would never have met this gorgeous guy!" She smiles sickeningly up at him and he slides his arm around her waist. I am fairly certain that if there was anytime today that I could be reasonably expected to vomit, it would be right now. "We met at group therapy - I was having alcohol troubles." She confides, I make a sympathetic noise, positive that after this encounter I would be the one with alcohol issues.
"Now we're just so happy! Levi has told me all about you - I'm so pleased he's had the opportunity to apologise. He really is sorry."
"This is all heartwarming, really. But I have to go vomit now because all this bullshit fakeness has made me nauseous. Levi, I'm not dating anyone and I haven't since you, I have no idea where you got that from. Also, who the heck have you turned into? We can't be friends because I don't know you at all anymore. And I don't accept your apology because you were an utter prick to me and showing up at my door when I'm not home doesn't make it all better. Amber, this guy will break your heart. He's not cut out for relationships. He's a self-destructive asshole and this act will fall apart." This pours out of my mouth in an uncensored, angry rush. Amber is staring at me with her big brown eyes, mouth hanging open. Levi's head is finally facing my direction, the oddest twist to his mouth. I shake my head and back up, "Fuck you, Levi. I never should have stopped to listen to you - all that poured out of you was hot, hideous air. Have a great fucking life, the both of you."
Half an hour later I am standing in the food court with Hague. "Whoa! Slow down a bit, Case!" Hague grabs me by both shoulders and looks down at me. "Kiddo, you look like you've been kicked in the face by a ghost."
"I kind of was."
He knows better than I thought - "O-oh. Does this ghost have a name?" I nod. "Does it start with an L?"
"Yeah. I ran into Levi and his new girlfriend. He met her in therapy. He's a different person."
"Isn't that a good thing? He was kind of an ass before..."
"Yeah but he was real then. Now he's a weird, blind ken-doll." I say this angrily and he holds up his hands in defense.
"I thought you weren't interested anymore!"
"Stop being obnoxious, Hague. I'm not. It was just a shock, you know. I haven't seen him since the night of the dinner party."
"Must have been tough."
"Lena told him I have a boyfriend."
"Is the girlfriend blind too?"
"No. But she is shit-hot and a recovering alcoholic."
"Oh. I see. Lena was mad at him. She said afterwards she wanted to push him down the stairs but probably you'd be a bit pissy if she did."
"I don't know about pissy. Perhaps vaguely irritated. Blood is hard to get off things, you know?"
"I do know. Blood is a bitch. And so is this guy. He's still messing you around - look at you, all riled up."
"I'm sick of my own drama."
"Well, I'm not. You're endlessly entertaining."
I groan and rest my head on my arms. "I never want to see that asshole again."
"Atta girl. You just need some booty to get over him. I believe a nightclub is in order for this evening. You're a good looking girl. Get yourself some easy ass and make a night of it. You'll forget that wanker ten minutes in, guaranteed."
"I really don't think that's what I need..."
"Yeah it is."
"No - I don't think so Hague. I think I just need to get a good sleep. Watch a horrible movie and chill."
"Okay... but the offer stands. Whenever you want, we can go troll for booty."
I laugh and grab his hand, "Thanks, Hague. You're a good friend. I missed you while I was away."
"Damn straight. I missed you too. You're the most sensible person in my life. Also you keep Lena in line."
"Lies! No one can keep Lena in line except Penelope!"
Hague shakes his head mournfully. "I know. I was trying to make you feel better but the truth is both you and I are woefully inadequate when it comes to taming the Lena."
In the end the only way I can get him to let me drive away is to promise that I will go out sometime soon with him. Could be disastrous.
– – – * * * – – –
I am an over-thinker. Always have been. Can't help it. My mind picks at things over and over. It niggles at ridiculous details and dismisses others. Meeting Levi at the shops after all this time and energy spent avoiding him has me pondering the event, obsessing over it every moment. I tire of my own mind. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll be driven to alcoholism as a means to escape my own ridiculous thoughts. Drown them in a sea of gin.
Upon seeing him again, the thing that really gets me is his clothes. He used to be so uncool. So dramatically uncool. Like it would baffle the mind at how seriously shit he could look in clothes given his utter gorgeousness. Seeing him in fashionable items makes everything more real - his transformation, his new girlfriend. My loneliness. What he was wearing was the very antithesis of the man I knew. When we were together, or even when we were just friends, I grew to like his gaudy, patterned shirts. I understood why, even though he couldn't see them, they were the clothes he sought. They made him stand out. They drew eyes and simultaneously distracted from his disability. Somehow he could pull them off. He moved like a young, fit man. Despite the blindness, or perhaps in spite of it, Levi moved like a man with eyes that devoured everything. With Midget at his side even though he always moved slower than the crowd which inevitably flowed around him, Levi made his way with grace and dignity.
The first time I watched him walking away from me, that fated day at the beach, I was struck by this. I
guess somehow along the way I forgot this feeling because when I walked places with him as a friend I would be close by his side. Too close to see the bigger picture. My hand would be wrapped around his nut brown, wiry arm, tan from spending hours each day in the sun with Midget, just lounging about.
Can you see me?
He'd asked me again and again. Not out loud, but in his own way - desperately seeking for his old life when he'd been young and popular and had his sight. He'd asked me in a million different ways. I'd never answered. Yes, I saw him, but until those last moments we had - those cruel, cruel moments I never saw what he was thinking, exactly how he was feeling. At the end it even had to be pointed out to me by Hague who had met Levi briefly only once before. An almost perfect stranger.
Had I been so ridiculous and pathetic that I believed ours would make a storybook romance? I know this was somewhere lurking in my mind the entire time. I wanted our romance to be literature perfect. I wanted it so badly. And it could have been, I suppose. From the chance meetings to my dogged persistence in befriending him. Even my dramatics throughout the whole relationship were crazy - I never cried so much than I do with him. Now, because of my outrageous expectations and the pressure that I put on Levi, on us, no matter how unintentional whatever we had was lost... but I am still obsessed.
My mum told me once that someday I would experience heartbreak. It was just hours after my high school boyfriend Niall had dumped me for a girl from the next town over who would put out. I thought I would never love again. I was devastated, distraught and hysterical. Mum explained that while Niall and I had dated, we hadn't been in love.
She never told me we were too young for that sort of business, which would have infuriated my sixteen-year-old brain, rather she said softly that when I fell in love it would be slow and gentle. It would drift and laze like the summer. It would ponder and distract me from life. It would be quiet and beautiful and undemanding.
She told me these things as I lay in her arms sobbing fitfully. I only half listened but even though they only made it into one ear I still remember those words and now my cruelly over-thinking brain has me going over my time with Levi with a fine tooth comb.