There

by Denise Grover Swank

  Reece helps me sit, then kneels front of me. “We don’t need a bull’s-eye painted on us. We already have one.”

  I nod. “I know.” I’m the one who painted it. Again.

  Reece holds my hand. “I want to discuss it with Evan first, but it’s probably a good idea. We might try to swap the truck before we come back and get you.”

  “How long do you plan to be gone?”

  “Several days. Maybe a week.”

  I shake my head violently. “No! I’m coming with you.”

  “Julia,” Reece whispers and leans so close that our foreheads touch. “Leaving you is the last thing I want to do, but it’s the safest option. For all of us.”

  It might be the right thing to do, but I’m still devastated. “Okay.” I don’t try to stop my tears. Let them both think I’m a baby. I’m past caring.

  Reece stands. “Take good care of her.”

  Jo puts a hand on her hip and glares. “I didn’t risk my life to break her out just to lose her now.”

  He stops in the doorway. “I’ll be back in a minute with some supplies.”

  “I’m coming with you.” Jo follows him out.

  I try to stop my sobs. They’re pointless and stupid, but I can feel that they come from somewhere else, deep inside, where the other Julia’s memories reside. They’ve filled more of my head, an alarming realization. But again, there’s nothing I can do about it right now.

  I need to talk to Evan, but he’s six miles and several days away. I hope he’ll know what to do. How to fix this. I need him. I need his love and reassurance. How will I get through the next few days wondering if he’s okay?

  I’ve calmed down when Reece appears in the doorway, something red in his hands.

  “I got these for you at the market. I planned to give them to you when we left the city…” He shows me a pair of woolen mittens. The red is faded and the yarn looks stained, but they are the most beautiful thing I’ve seen. The memory of eight-year-old Reece on the playground rushes in, pulling a vortex of the other Julia’s memories along with it.

  “Your hands always freeze when you go outside.” He takes my hand and slips one on. “It’s going to be cold in here so I hope these help.”

  Confusion jumbles everything together in my head, and I can’t sort out whose memories are whose. Do my hands freeze or is it hers? A deep love for this boy rushes through me, and I reach my non-mittened hand to his cheek, desperate to touch him. I realize this is her, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

  I smile through my tears. “Thank you. I love them.”

  He stares into my eyes, his grin fading. “I don’t want to leave you. This is killing me.”

  “I know,” I whisper.

  My mind becomes a tug of war, my own consciousness struggling. But I’m exhausted and my barricade falls, her memories whooshing to take control. Suddenly, I’m the girl filled with regret over the boy I loved, yet would never claim.

  His eyes fill with longing as he studies me, and then he slowly lowers his mouth to mine. I close my eyes as our lips touch, my heart soaring. His kiss is soft and hesitant, but heat rushes through my body at the contact and I press against him, hungry for more. His arms reach around my back, crushing me against his chest as the kiss deepens.

  Reece leans back a few inches, still holding me close, horror fills his eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “I’m not.” Even as I rise up to press my lips to his, something inside me screams. Wait! This is wrong!

  But her memories override my sanity. I kiss him, and I lose myself to her. I lost him before, and I refuse to lose him again. This is the one thing I have to cling to. This boy and his love for me.

  So where does that leave Evan?

  Horrified, I pull away, my own self scrambling for a foothold, but I feel empty and cold without Reece’s touch. Is that because I’m scared and confused or because I have genuine feelings for him? How can I know what’s real or not real when the other Julia’s love for him explodes with every touch Reece and I share?

  Reece deserves better. So does Evan. Their lives would have been better off if I’d never come to their world, but there’s nothing I can do to change what’s happened.

  Reece’s eyes stare at my lips, then his gaze lifts to my eyes. His are full of longing and hope. He kisses me again, and even though I know I should stop him, the part of me that’s her doesn’t want him to. Her memories grab control, and I drink him in, desperate.

  I’ve wanted this for so long. Wanted to touch him and taste him and to feel his hands on me. Reece, my forbidden love. So close yet so far. I’ve watched him for months, denying that there’s something there like a fool who refuses to believe it’s raining as the water splashes on her face. I need to feel his heart pounding beneath my palm so when I’m worried about him the next several days, I can close my eyes and remember the warmth of his skin, the softness of his lips, and the beating of his heart.

  I’m breathless when he pulls away.

  He cups my face, tears filling his eyes. “I don’t want to leave you.”

  My voice breaks. “I don’t want you to go.” Don’t leave me again. Please don’t let me lose you again.

  He kisses me again, frantic. His hand finds the hem of my sweater, his cold fingers skimming the bare skin at my waist. I jerk slightly at the contact and he stops, leaning his forehead against mine. “I don’t want to leave you, but I have to go.” Then he stands and rubs the back of his neck, staring at the floor. “Be careful, and I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He faces me, eyes burning with desire and love. “I won’t leave you here a minute longer than I have to.”

  Then he’s gone and cold air washes over me, bringing the bitter truth of reality with it.

  I didn’t kiss Reece Collins. The other Julia did. She may be dead, but her memories live buried inside me.

  I’ve just complicated everything.

  “What the hell was that?” Jo stands in the doorway, angrier than I’ve seen her.

  I’d forgotten that she was here. How could I forget that she was here? “I don’t… know,” I stammer, trying to sort through the emotional soup in my head. Which feelings are mine and which are hers? They swirl until they become fused together, and I panic.

  I’m losing me.

  Grabbing the wall, I try to get to my feet, grunting as I move my leg.

  “Julia, what are you doing?”

  I fight to catch my breath. “I need Evan.” Evan said to tell him if this happened again. Evan will know what to do. I need his comfort. I need his arms. I need his lips on mine, chasing away my fears and filling me with the belief that everything will be okay, simply because he says it will.

  Jo snorts her disgust. “Yeah, you looked like you needed him a minute ago.”

  The panic attack that has hovered at bay for the last hour or so slams into me full force. I fall to the floor, gasping for air.

  “Julia?”

  I try to focus, try to relax. Fighting it will only make it worse. But this storm’s been brewing for days, only increasing the intensity. I shouldn’t be surprised.

  I lie on the floor and curl into a ball, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to wish this away.

  Trying to wish the last six months of my life away.

  “Julia, what’s happening?” I’m surprised to hear fear in Jo’s voice.

  I open my eyes, and she’s blurry though my tears. “Panic… attack…” I wheeze out in the short breaths I push out of my lungs.

  Slow even breaths, I hear my mother say in my head. Thinking of her makes me momentarily worse, and I close my eyes, pretending she’s stroking my hair like she used to do, whispering in my ear to help me calm down. Did I ever thank her for that? Or did I take her for granted like I took everything else in my life?

  I concentrate, and the memory seems so real that I feel her hand on my head. Maybe I’m losing myself to the other Julia’s memories or maybe I’m just going crazy. But at the moment, I don’t care
. Her touch is soft and soothing, and the band around my chest loosens, letting me take in a short gasp of air.

  A few minutes later, I open my eyes and find Jo sitting next to me, running her hand through my hair. She gives me a soft smile. This tender Jo surprises me, and the look on her face tells me she’s not familiar with it either.

  “What just happened?” she asks, pulling her hand away.

  “My gasping act on the floor, Reece, or the Deacon wanting me to take him to a magical portal in Springfield?”

  “All of it.”

  I push off the floor, stifling a cry of pain from moving my leg. “Do you think I broke my ankle?”

  “If you didn’t, it’s one nasty sprain.”

  “Great.”

  I scoot backward and press my back into the wall. Jo sits cross-legged, waiting.

  I decide to start with the first question then move to the last. I’m not sure if I can address the Reece issue when I’m not sure what happened myself. “I had a panic attack. I started getting them after my best friend died in a car accident last year.”

  Jo nods. “My little sister used to get them.”

  My eyebrows rise. “I didn’t know you have a sister. I thought you only had a brother.”

  “I had a little sister.” She glares, daring me to ask more.

  Her announcement stuns me, and it takes me a moment to continue. “They found me wearing a bracelet that wasn’t mine at the scene of the wreck. After the accident, I had weird dreams. I dreamed about people I barely knew, but in the dreams we not only knew each other but were close. Evan and Reece, along with my friend Monica. And I started drawing when I could never draw before. It was weird, but I was depressed about Monica, so I didn’t give it much thought. Until Evan… changed.”

  “How so?”

  “He used to ignore me in school. I was no one to him before the accident and for six months afterward, but one day he was suddenly interested. He volunteered to tutor me and wanted to spend every minute that he could with me.”

  “Why the sudden change?”

  “Because he wasn’t the Evan I knew.” I pause and look into her face. “Evan was from this world.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means I’m from somewhere else. I’m from an alternate universe.”

  “Right.” Jo laughs. Although it’s hard and cold, it sounds forced, like she believes me and is trying to convince herself that it’s a lie.

  “Believe it or not, it’s true. Authorities in my world realized Evan wasn’t who he claimed to be. They came after him, and he had to get to the portal before they caught him. He asked me to come with him, but I didn’t know where his home was, or what he meant when he said he wanted me to go. I only knew that I hadn’t felt hope in a very long time. Evan gave me hope and I wasn’t willing to lose it. That, and he promised me something impossible. He told me I could see my best friend again. He said she was still alive where he was from. So I came.” If I could do it all over again, would I? It’s a pointless exercise, wondering what could have been.

  “So this portal Deacon is so interested in is to your universe.”

  “Yes.”

  “Why did Evan bring you back? Why cross a universe to become obsessed with you?”

  “Because in this world, the me here—this world’s Julia—died. In the same car accident as me—in my world, my best friend died, but in this world, Monica lived and Julia died. She was Evan’s girlfriend, and he couldn’t live without her. When he found out there might be a way to see her again, he figured out how to go through the portal to find her. He found me.”

  “That’s messed up.”

  I sigh. “Tell me about it.”

  “So are you her? His Julia? Are we the same people in other universes?” I recognize the hopeful look in her eye, the longing to see someone she lost.

  “No. We’re not.” I lean my head back. Jo’s right. This really is messed up. “I’m not her, and Evan claims he knows that. He says he loves me, the real me, but I have to wonder.”

  “How does Reece come into this?”

  “He was Evan’s best friend.

  “Was? You mean in your world?”

  “No. They hardly knew each other in my world. They were best friends in this one. Before Julia died. Reece loved Julia too.”

  “So they both see you as another chance to stake their claim, win their prize, or whatever manly term you can come up with.”

  I open my mouth to protest then close it. What if she’s right?

  “Do you look just like her?”

  I pause. “Yes.”

  “But you say that you’re different. How?”

  “They say she was more compliant and soft-spoken. She was like a peacemaker.”

  “And you?”

  “I’m none of those things.”

  “So you’re on the run because the government is after you?”

  “Yeah, they see me as a threat to their world. That I’ll instigate mass hysteria and the citizens of Springfield will demand to go to my universe so they can live in a world that’s untouched by nuclear winter and severe drought.”

  Jo’s mouth parts as wonder fills her eyes.

  “But my world faces the bigger threat. The United Regions military wants what my world has. Which is why we’re on the run. They want me dead, but Evan and Reece helped me escape and took me back to the portal to send me home. Evan was going to come with me.” Was it only five days? It seems like we’ve been together a lifetime.

  “Why didn’t you go?”

  “A general was there, waiting. He threatened to kill Evan and Reece if I didn’t take him to my world, but I couldn’t, even if I wanted to. I accidently sent the box that opens the portal back to my world when I jumped out to save Evan and Reece.”

  Jo studies me in silence.

  “The general was killing Reece, and I shot the general. I killed him.” My voice breaks.

  “I’ve killed men before.” Jo’s words are so soft I can barely hear her. Her eyes rise to mine, glassy with tears. “You have to do what you have to do to save the people you love. No matter how bad it seems. Remember that.”

  What bad things has Jo done to save the people she loves? Was it enough? She’s lost everyone.

  “So what are you going to do since you don’t have the box anymore? Are you giving up and staying here?”

  The plan is for me to go home, but home is feeling less and less like home. If home is where your heart is, then my home is with Evan. Despite my performance minutes ago with Reece. I close my eyes and try to erase the horror of what I’ve done. It wasn’t me. It was her. But who will believe that?

  I clear my throat. “We don’t know how to send me home. We’re trying to find Reece’s mom. She disappeared a few months ago and Reece thinks she joined the rebels in the west.”

  “So that’s where you’re headed.” She takes a deep breath. “They’re not open to survivalists, just so you know. You may find them, but they might not greet you with open arms. As much as they rail against the United Regions, they’re an awful lot like them. They live behind their fancy walls and keep the people on the other side out.”

  “Why?”

  Jo shrugs. “Resources. Both sides give the illusion that they can take care of their people. They can’t let new people in because they can barely take care of the ones they have. Even Deacon does the same thing in his underground city. But it’s an illusion because they control everything. From the food people eat, to what they wear, to the jobs they have. United Regions or United States, they’re both the same, just different names and different flags.”

  I lean forward. “Did you say United States?”

  Jo purses her lips. “Yeah. Why do ask?”

  “Before the war, this was all called the United States. I’m from the United States.”

  Jo considers this for a moment, then shifts her eyes. “Well, don’t get all nostalgic over it. They still won’t like you showing up.”

  “I gue
ss we’ll deal with that when we get there.”

  She cocks her head to the side. “You didn’t answer my question. Do you want to go home?”

  Weariness overtakes me, and I close my eyes. “That’s a complicated question. I used to, until I realized that I have more to live for here instead of home. My dad couldn’t handle my depression, so he left. My mom… she’s doing the best she can, but sometimes I think she blames me for destroying our lives. Then there’s my little sister. Let’s just says she’s probably happier with me gone.” I pause, refusing to feel sorry for myself. “My best friend is dead and everyone else back home treats me like I have an incurable disease.”

  “But they’re your family.”

  A pressure fills in my chest and makes it hard to breathe. “Maybe I need to learn to let them go. The portal to my universe is in Springfield. There’s no guarantee if we find another portal it will go to my world. Besides, given the fact that Evan says there are infinite other universes, it seems unlikely. The reality is that I’m probably stuck here.” I give her a tight smile. “But I have Evan. He’s more than I ever thought I could have.”

  “Then what was that with Reece?” Her voice is cold.

  I shake my head. “It’s a long story.” And one I’m not ready to delve into yet.

  “How can you be sure either one of these guys loves you for you and doesn’t mistake you for the other Julia?”

  I’d love to know the answer to that question. “That’s just it. I don’t know.”

  She gets up and spreads a blanket over me, then digs some pills out of her bag and hands me one. “This will help with the pain.” She settles on her own blanket, studying me. Sometimes her eyes look so deep and vast, she seems older than my age. Like she’s had to deal with more than a person should endure.

  I swallow the pills and close my eyes. “Jo, how old are you?”

  “Seventeen.”

  Seventeen years of living in this wasteland when I’ve barely survived four days. I’m fighting to survive, but is this the life I’m fighting for?

  The sudden need to be with Evan catches me with so much force and surprise that I push against it, looking for signs of the other Julia’s memories. But all signs of her have fled to the back corners of my conscience. The despair of missing Evan is all mine.