by H, Caity
“Sure you will,” I mumbled as I took his hand and stood up.
He chuckled and grabbed his stuff, dropping his bag over his shoulders. “Just saying. She’s probably ready to mingle again. Ty was a rebound so he doesn’t count.”
“Who exactly was she getting over? Ryan?” I still didn’t like that guy.
We started walking toward the dorm building, and I picked up my shirt on the way.
Desmond pulled his shoes on haphazardly. “I wasn’t talking about Ryan.” He nearly tripped, catching himself on the door at the last second. I laughed, ducking to avoid the sweat stained sock he threw in my direction.
“She was over him like two seconds after they broke up,” he said, teetering as he walked on the backs of his shoes.
I doubted it had been that fast. “Whatever,” I mumbled.
Desmond paused to watch a girl leaving the common area. “I might have to let you romance Olivia instead,” he said, grinning as the girl turned and caught him staring. She rolled her eyes and left. He chuckled and shook his head and we kept walking. “But, I meant you. Not Ryan.”
That would imply she and I were at one time or another together, which we hadn’t been.
He groaned and shoved my shoulder. I turned a glare at him, but he only shook his head. “I know you see it,” he said. “Your face said it all when you saw the two of them together.” The last thing I wanted to think about was when Honeybee and Ty had kissed at the game.
Was there really nothing else to talk about? Grades? Hot girls in his class? His roommate, or his family? Was the mess between me and Honeybee really the only topic he had to talk about?
“I’m not in the mood, Des,” I ground out.
We made it to my dorm room, and I shoved open the door. Alastair was gone. Desmond followed me inside before I could tell him to leave me alone.
“Just admit it. Admit that you like her!”
I threw my stuff to the floor as I turned on him. He threw his arms up, and I cursed, dropping my fist back to my side. It had moved on its own.
Shaking my head, I said, “Fine!” I swallowed hard. “Okay? I see it, I feel it,” I muttered, glaring when he started to smile. “But...”
The grin on his face was really annoying. “But what?” he prodded.
I ran a hand through my hair, unable to make eye contact. This was such a weird conversation to have with him. It wasn’t just him giving me a hard time about feelings I thought I didn’t have. It was a real conversation, the kind that friends would have. And I was having it with him.
“I’ve messed up every chance she gave me.”
Desmond sighed and sank into Alastair’s desk chair. “Then don’t screw up the next one,” he said.
“Easier said than done.”
I started to dig through my dresser, pulling out clothes to wear that didn’t smell. I’d need to shower.
“You’ll never get the next chance if you don’t give it a try.” He rested his arms on his knees and leaned forward. “Just tell her the truth.”
He was right, I knew that. But it was still scary. I was still putting myself out there for her to reject, I was still setting our friendship on the chopping block. If she said no, I wasn’t sure we’d be able to really move on from that. It’d be too complicated, too awkward.
“Just go talk to her and tell her what the rest of us have known for a while, okay?” he asked. I glared at him, but he just grinned again. “Go. Get cleaned up and then talk to her before I punch you.”
I rolled my eyes and dropped my stuff on my bed, glancing over my shoulder at him. “Are you sure threatening me is a good idea? Did you see the shiner Ty was sporting last week?” Granted, I’d had a black eye, too. But, I was pretty sure his was worse than mine had been.
He stood, his back popped as he stretched. “I’m gonna head out. I have an essay due tomorrow that I haven’t started yet.” I had a few of those, too. But I didn’t feel like bothering with them yet. “Text me when you two have talked?”
“No,” I said, raising an eyebrow at him. He paused in the doorway and waited until I said, “Okay, maybe.” Then he disappeared into the hall.
Sighing, I sat down on my bed and rested my head in my hands. If I was really going to do this, talk to her and tell her how I felt, it could destroy everything. I could ruin our friendship. And maybe that was what had stopped her from ever saying anything. Maybe we were both just insecure and afraid.
Groaning, I stood up and grabbed my stuff. If I let myself think about it too much longer than I’d chicken out. After I showered, I would just get in the car and go.
Once she said no, told me that nothing could happen, maybe we could both really begin to move on. Or she’d move on and I would understand what she’d felt those years where she had loved me and I had ignored her.
As soon as we talked things would change, for better or for worse. Unless I chickened out. In which case, the next time she saw me I’d probably have another black eye, courtesy of a frustrated Desmond.
Twenty Two: Spoilers
I had been parked down the street from her house for nearly thirty minutes. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t make myself get out of the car. It was like there was something physically keeping my door shut, keeping my seatbelt on. I knew I needed to get out of the car. I knew that once I got going it would probably get easier, that the words would just find a way out into the open, no matter how awkward it was or how long it took. I would figure it out. Somehow. Maybe. Hopefully.
My head hit the steering wheel. It had gone much smoother in my mind. The entire drive over I’d been thinking about what I would say. There was even a bouquet of roses in the passenger seat. If things went horribly wrong and I didn’t manage to get my words out, I could always say that I was just coming by to see how she was doing. Give her the flowers as a “get better” gift and then turn tail and run.
“Lex,” someone said, knocking their fingers against my window. I jumped and turned. Bethany stood outside with a grin, her arms crossed.
Biting back a groan, I rolled the window down. “Hey.” Her grin only widened and I shook my head, leaning back against the headrest. “Can I help you?”
She shook her head, glancing toward Honeybee’s house. “No. Just curious, is there a reason you’ve been sitting out here for an hour?” she raised an eyebrow.
“It hasn’t been that long,” I said and then grimaced. It hadn’t been that long had it? I was sure it had only been at most a half an hour. “And I don’t owe you an explanation.” My eyes flickered toward Honeybee’s house. Did she know I’d been sitting outside in my car for half an hour?
Bethany shrugged. “No, I guess not.” She was quiet a moment, and I waited for her to leave me alone. However, instead of leaving, she said more. “Listen, I don’t know what you’re doing here. Or what your plan is. But if you’re planning to talk to Olivia, just be careful.”
I raised an eyebrow and met her gaze. “Why?” Had something happened? She should’ve called me if something had happened. I wouldn’t have spent close to an hour hiding in my car if that had been the case.
“She told me about the soccer game, how you reacted and what she said. “ Her lips pursed to the side and a glare hardened in her eyes. “So, if you plan to walk in there and change things, you better follow through. Break her heart again, and I will run you down with my car.”
“If I break her heart again, I won’t even try to get out of the way,” I promised, looking back at the steering wheel. Getting hit by a car was probably fair punishment for breaking someone’s heart over and over again.
“Good luck, Lex.” With a wave she turned around and walked back to Honeybee’s house. I heard the sound of an engine roar to life. Her car passed me, and I lifted a hand in farewell.
It was time.
I unbuckled, grabbing the roses. The walk from my car to Olivia’s doorstep was the longer than I remembered. My legs shook and my heart was racing. At this rate, I’d pass out on the doorstep before I
could get a word in.
I swallowed hard when the door opened and Honeybee stood before me. She smiled and it left me winded. For just getting out of the hospital, she looked beautiful.
“Lex,” she said. “Hey.”
My lips pulled apart. “Hey.” I looked down at the roses in my hand. Clearing my throat, I handed her the bouquet. Her smile widened. “Your mom home?”
She shook her head. “She went out to get pizza. We were gonna watch a movie.” With another grin, she pulled the door open further and ushered me inside. I walked in, pausing when she closed the door. “Wanna join us?”
That would all depend on how the conversation went. If it went well, I’d stay all weekend to eat pizza and watch movies with her. If it went wrong, I’d go back to school and drink my sorrows away. I’d also do homework.
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Can we talk?”
“Sure,” she murmured, eyebrows creasing.
She moved toward the kitchen, nodding for me to follow her. She opened a cupboard and reached up to grab a vase, wincing as she retracted her arm quickly. I frowned and moved behind her, pulling the vase down for her. She glanced back and smiled softly. It was painful to be so close to her.
“Thanks,” she murmured, taking the vase and filling it with water. I let out a breath and leaned against the counter next to her. She put the roses in the water, putting her nose against the red petals. “They’re gorgeous.”
“You’re gorgeous,” I said and stopped, eyes wide. Those words weren’t supposed to come out. She had stopped, too. “I…sorry.” My eyes closed and I shook my head.
Her shoulders rolled and she turned to me, not meeting my gaze. “What did you want to talk about?”
My mouth opened, but no sounds came out. It closed again and I sighed, rubbing my hands over my face. All my practiced lines disappeared. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to lead up to it, or just tell her how I felt.
“You okay?” The traces of a smile pulled at her lips.
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m really not.”
Okay was the last word I would’ve used to describe how I was.
I ran my hands through my hair and spun in a circle. “I haven’t been okay for a few weeks now.” Ever since that stupid soccer game.
She frowned, reaching toward me. I swallowed hard when her hand touched my shoulder. “What’s wrong?”
Maybe she hadn’t noticed it. After we’d glossed over the fight, things had been back to “normal”. It was almost like she’d never told me she’d been in love with me.
For weeks I’d pretended that it was fine, that we were fine. But, I was aching to tell her the truth. How had she managed to go years without saying anything? How had she survived the years where I was a jerk that ignored her?
“When I first kissed you,” I started, unable to meet her eyes. “It wasn’t just because I was curious, or because I wanted to get it out of the way before high school,” I said, remembering the excuse fourteen-year-old Lex had thought was so clever. My hands were shaking and I crossed my arms in an attempt to hide them. “The first crush I ever had was you, and just…I used to wonder what it would be like. And that day, I just couldn’t stop myself. I had to know.” I looked up and met her wide eyes. “So, I kissed you. And…then my dad told me I would break your heart. And, Olivia, I never wanted to be that person to you.”
“Lex,” she murmured, her eyes dropping away. “You were fourteen, it’s … it’s okay.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s not. It’s not okay that I hurt you because I didn’t know what to do. It’s not okay that I ruined everything, or that you just took me back like that.” I grimaced. “I hurt you, so many times, and that will never be okay.”
“It’s all in the past.”
But it wasn’t. Not for me. The feelings I’d had were all flooding back. It was all I could think about lately. While I was brushing my teeth, I thought of her. When I was supposed to be studying I thought of her. During practice I thought of her. There was nothing about those feelings that were in the past.
“It’s not,” I told her. She looked up again, eyes narrowed. “When you told me that you’d loved me at the soccer game,” I started, my heart racing faster. “It was like something just switched on in my brain. Suddenly I was fourteen again and the girl next door was the only person I could see myself with.”
She swallowed hard and stepped back slightly. It felt like a knife to the chest to see her pulling away. Was this what it had been like for her? When I’d kissed her last year in the tree house, when I’d just walked away.
“I can’t change what I did. I can’t go back and rewrite how things happened. But I can’t go forward knowing what I know, knowing what I feel.” I bit my lip to keep it from trembling. “Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe it was wrong, but I had to say something. I should’ve said more when I kissed you the first time, but I didn’t. For that I’m sorry.” My chest was tight and my throat felt thick with everything that was hurdling through my brain. She could say no, tell me to leave, or that she never wanted to see me again. It was all up to her.
She didn’t say anything. She just stared at my chest, her fingers twisting and untwisting. I wanted to take her hand, to hold her. But, I didn’t. I forced myself to stay still.
“I know I’ve screwed up every chance you’ve ever given me, that I don’t deserve another chance,” I said, my voice hoarse. “But, I’m asking for one more.”
A groan slid through her lips and she braced herself against the counter. She wouldn’t meet my eyes. “You liked me?” I nodded. “And you pushed me away.” She shook her head and looked up. “If we tried to be more, the same thing could happen. You could get scared, break my heart. I don’t know if I can live through that again.”
Without thinking I reached forward and took her hand, intertwining our fingers. “I’ll be better. Give me the chance to prove it.”
“What if everything goes wrong?” she asked, her eyes teary when she met my gaze. I brushed my fingers through her hair, curling it behind her ear.
“Then you hit me with your car. I’ll leave you alone and never bother you again,” I promised.
She faltered and stepped closer, placing a hand against my chest. “I don’t want you to leave me alone.” She leaned against me, her arms curling around my waist. My own arms dropped over her shoulders, holding her closely. “I don’t want to lose you.” She whispered against my chest. “But, I’m afraid.”
I pulled back slightly, brushing my thumb over her cheek. “I can’t promise to be perfect for you. But I can promise to fight for you,” I murmured. “I can promise to try harder, to be better.” Her head tilted up and it was a battle to stop myself from kissing her. “I can–”
She leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine. My heart dropped into my stomach and my arms curled around her waist, bringing her closer. A shiver rolled down my back as her fingers slid through my hair.
When our lips parted, they remained close enough to touch. My eyes opened slowly to see hers were already open. I frowned. There were still tears in her eyes and on her cheeks.
“Bee?” I brushed away her tears, my hand curling around the back of her neck. She shuddered and leaned her head on my chest. I didn’t know what to do, or what was wrong. I just hoped that I wasn’t making it worse.
She pressed a kiss against my collar bone and looked back up. “I want to, Lex. I’ve been in love with you for so long and I always hoped that maybe you...” she sighed. “Maybe you’d feel the same.”
It didn’t feel like the kind of speech she would give me if things were going to end well. It felt like a breakup speech.
“But you don’t anymore,” I murmured, my voice rough. I cleared my throat and smiled softly at her. “I understand.”
She shook her head. “It’s not that. It’s just that I’ve tried for so long to get over you, and I still haven’t,” she murmured. A small flash of hope sparked in my chest. “I don’t know if I ever will.” Sh
e gave a sad smile, and the hope I’d felt seemed to sputter and go out. “But you will. You’ll get over it. And I’ll be here again, heartbroken and alone.”
“No,” I told her, my eyes hardening. “Olivia, I’m not going to do that to you.” I leaned in and kissed her forehead. “I won’t. If you give me the chance, I’ll show you.” I didn’t know what to do to make her believe me. “I promise, Bee. This isn’t a crush, okay? This is more. It’s…” I swallowed hard. “I feel complete when I’m with you, I feel right. This isn’t a spur of the moment feeling.”
“But what about when that changes?” she asked, pulling away from me. “Our entire relationship has been changes. You liked me, you pushed me away. You liked me, you pushed me away. Things were good, then bad, then good again and…” she trailed off, wiping away a tear.
I had to restrain myself from reaching for her again. She blinked and another tear trailed down her cheek. “I won’t push you away, not anymore. I can’t promise you a perfect relationship,” I started, stopping when she glared up at me.
“I don’t expect you to be perfect,” she muttered with a roll of her eyes. “But, I don’t want to fall for you, really fall for you, and then get dropped because you’re afraid. I’ve done that for years and I can’t anymore.”
If I walked away now things would never go anywhere. We’d probably stop being friends. We’d be strangers with too many memories. As much as I’d told myself that I’d let her choose, I wasn’t sure I could handle the outcome if she didn’t choose me. She was the person I had always wanted. She was the one person I trusted, the one person I’d ever wanted to be with. She was the girl next door and the girl of my dreams, and I didn’t want to let that go. I couldn’t.
“I love you.” I had hidden from that phrase, convinced myself that I didn’t love her, that we were only friends. But telling her the truth, telling myself, I’d never felt more whole.
“You what?” she gasped, eyes widening.
I stepped closer. “I’m in love with you.” Those three words had been saved for her since I was twelve years old. It had taken me close to seven years to realize it, but I had all the same. “And I will spend every day working to prove that to you.” I swallowed hard. “If you’ll let me.”