I thought about that for a moment. Jake would never lie and not about something like this, he’s too bloody honest. “No, I wouldn’t say he lied to me,” I responded, but, then again, I wasn’t really sure.
“Hmmm... it’s just strange,” He was not making any sense to me, “Can I suggest you ask him to check his own status again? We found some indicators in your blood that suggested you had indeed been infected and yet, there was no sign of HIV present at all.”
“How?” I don’t understand.
The doctor shrugged his shoulders in that non-commital way of theirs and just said, “Honestly, Molly, I have no idea, but I do think you should talk to your partner about getting retested. Something odd is definitely happening here.”
I knew I had to speak to Jake, but how do I raise this subject. Hi, I drugged you and slept with you whilst you were comatose. You told me you were HIV and I said we used a condom, but we didn’t. Oh... and guess what, my Doctor thinks you don’t have HIV. It just sounded crazy, I sounded crazy, but somehow, I had to find a way to raise it with him.
I arrived at the office around eleven in the morning, but Jake’s office was empty. It wasn’t the right place to talk about this anyway, but I did wonder where he was. Simon Reynolds called me into his office just after I had logged into my computer and I sighed heavily. As I walked to his office, I wondered if he would want to call in my suggestive promise to him the other day. I cringed at the thought but reconciled myself, that at least I still had a job after that email had gotten loose.
What he told me, however, had me completely stunned. Jake had quit! As I walked back to my cubicle I felt guilty. I had done this, it was my fault he was leaving. Everything that had happened since Daniel’s death had all been a series of calamities that had finally pushed him over the edge. On top of all that, was this nonsensical presence of Daniel. I didn’t believe in ghosts, but I couldn’t explain it any other way. It had to be him meddling in all of our affairs. What I didn’t understand is why, or even how. What I was sure of, was it had to have something to do with Jake’s sudden decision to leave.
I wondered if Jake would even be prepared to talk to me right now. Somehow I had to find a way to reach him, find a way back to where we were once before. Daniel’s death had ruined everything! In fact, as I thought about the past several weeks, I realised it was Daniel who was ruining everything. My dear, cheating, hapless, husband was certainly not resting in peace as he should be. The problem was, I wasn’t quite sure just how to deal with this one.
I decided to write an email to Jake. It felt like the only way I could be open to him about how I felt about his resignation and the events of the past weeks. I tried to make a coherent email, but although I had typed pages of text, nothing made a lot of sense and it all sounded like an insane, garbled, mess. I was careful this time not to put my words into an actual email draft, instead using my notes programme, as I couldn’t be sure that my dear, departed, husband wasn’t looking over my shoulder again ready to press send. In the reflection on my monitor, I was surprised to see Jake approaching my desk. Quickly shutting down my document, I spun around to greet him, gratified that he would want to talk to me, after everything. The problem was, I didn’t exactly know what to say.
When he asked me into his office I was hopeful, but our moment quickly passed as Jake had told me he was leaving town. I lost all train of thought with the prospect of never seeing him again and when he let go of my hand and walked out of the office, I feared I would never get the chance to make amends with him. I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t let Daniel win. Determined, I went back to my desk and worked again on my letter to Jake. It was all or nothing now and I really didn’t have much to lose. Daniel was dead, but not gone and now Jake was going, but I still had a window to save us. It was a long shot but it was worth the risk... and I liked taking risks.
I left all pretence behind and bared my soul to him, my feelings on everything that had happened these past few weeks. I told Jake openly about what I had done to him that night and why. I also explained the doctor’s appointment that morning and the strange questions I was asked about his HIV diagnosis. I told him about Becky and Daniel’s affair and the child that came from it. Jake would have everything. I was giving him an honest and heartfelt confession and at the end of it all, there would only be one thing left. I sat for a while, contemplating the last part of my letter, debating how best to articulate the exact context I wanted to convey to him. It had to be perfect.
I hadn’t realised I’d spent the entire afternoon just writing this letter. I was brought quickly out of my reverie when my desk phone rang. I looked at the time and it was almost five o’clock. Feeling a little guilty about spending so much time on a personal letter, I picked up the handset to answer. I was surprised to hear Becky’s voice on the other end.
“Molly?”
“Yes, it's me. How are you?” I deliberately softened my voice, unsure of what to expect next.
“I went to see Jake this morning,” she started tentatively. “I told him about Damien and your offer.” I had half expected her to seek out Jake. Knowing what little I did about Becky, I knew she was an honest girl and she would have felt guilty about her association with Lucy.
“Of course, I understand. He was shocked to learn about Damien?” I was curious.
“I’m not sure… I don’t know for sure… he was very quiet,” she stuttered out.
“Well Becky nothing’s changed, my offer still stands for you and young Damien, with no strings attached,” I stated steadfastly.
“Err… what’s in it for you?” she asked suspiciously. I knew Becky would feel there were strings.
“Nothing,” I said simply, “it’s just the right thing to do.” There was a pause on the other end of the phone, as I considered a further thought. “Actually, there is one thing,” I started. I could almost hear her roll her eyes.
“Yes?” she asked hesitantly.
“It’s a request rather than a proviso,” I quickly added. “Stay clear of Lucy, please. She is not good news. This is more for both yours and Damien’s benefit than anything else, but, either way, it won’t affect my offer.” I wasn’t sure how close she had become to that drug-dealing tramp, but I needed to be clear on my feelings.
“About Lucy…” Becky almost whispered, as if afraid to risk my offer. Before I could say anything she continued. “I just spoke to her, before you, on the phone… well, it seems she is getting married… to Jake.”
I felt my breath catch in my throat, as she said his name. It took me a moment to take in what she had actually said. “What? How? Are you sure?”
“Yes, she called me to tell me the news. He had just left her house, but they are getting married and moving down South. He said he loves her?” Even Becky didn’t sound like she believed that last point. I certainly didn’t.
I was still in shock for a few minutes after the call but found myself even more determined to finish my letter to Jake. It may change nothing about his plans with Lucy, but he couldn’t ignore it. This time, the words flowed easily as I finished the letter and was satisfied that the last few sentences would surely get his attention:
‘Jake, do what you like with the contents of this letter. I truly believe our friendship and love have to mean something after all these years. Even more so, we both know what happened on top of that building that night and for whatever reason, Daniel has not truly left us for good.
Please give all of us one more chance to be The Three Musketeers before you leave us for good. Let’s all meet at the top of that building a week from now at midnight, on the two-month anniversary of Daniel’s death.
Yours always,
M’
Satisfied with the letter, I addressed it to Jake’s personal email account, one that I knew he checks regularly and held my breath as I pressed send. No going back now!
Now all I needed was for my beloved Daniel to come to the party at the place where it all began.
**
*
Chapter 26 – Jake
Things were really starting to piss me off now. All I wanted was to be left alone sipping my drink while I wrote a piece of work that could, in effect, destroy my life as well as Molly’s. I’m on the fourth floor of my apartment block and you need to have a code to enter the building, or be buzzed in by a tenant. There’s CCTV on every floor and every stairwell. Allegedly it’s one of the most secure buildings of its type in Manchester. When I purchased it, however, I wish they had informed me it wasn’t ghost-proof.
That manifestation that seems to want to be all-controlling, even after death, appeared once more. This time, it came as quite a shock, as I usually could sense his presence. He had just contravened my space and, in my opinion, broken all the rules regarding the ‘other side’. It had been a gross violation of my privacy and as I turned around to tell Daniel just that, something changed. I started to feel remorse.
There had only ever been one person who could make me feel how I was feeling at that moment. When Daniel put his hand on my shoulder I just wanted to fall into his arms, for him to tell me everything would be alright and I nearly did. I almost let him take me there. Even now, I'm not sure why I didn’t just let Daniel take me into his world, whatever his world was. It was probably a much more superior world than the one I lived in and yet I fought him off, not in any physical manner, he was a ghost after all. I say he was a ghost, yet at the same time, he looked absolutely real and solid. I could even feel his hand on my shoulder and as he moved closer towards me, an immense tightness in my chest, a pain as if someone was applying pressure to my sternum. I knew Daniel was trying to get inside me, but I resisted. When he eventually pulled away from me, I knew I had won that particular battle.
Well... I say “won” and at the time, I was convinced I did. Yet now looking back, if I did win that battle, then Daniel sure as hell was winning the war. I started to laugh at the things Daniel was saying to me about us being together. It was the laughter I wanted him to hear. I didn’t want him to feel my pain or sense the yearning I had to be with him. If he could just see me laughing and hear it echoing in his ears, then perhaps he might just leave me alone. I asked him to leave me alone, no, I pleaded for him to do so. The only response he could find within himself was to attack Lucy and that’s when my heart dropped. Daniel had sunk to an all-time low with his words, but the problem was they resonated with me. I just didn’t want to believe them. He left the same way he entered, whichever way that was. I wished at that time I could shut and lock the portal that Daniel was using to enter my world, but I guess the door to the afterlife was left ajar, until he’d finished whatever it was he was trying to accomplish. I just didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. When he left, he left angry, threatening to return. What the stupid bastard didn’t realise was he should never have left in the first place.
Before Daniel arrived, I had just completed my latest masterpiece. I had incorporated the video evidence as well as the medical reports. Teresa had completed quite a thorough report for me, even picking up things I hadn't asked her to look for. In her notes to me, she mentioned my high cholesterol and poor liver function. She had made a sarcastic comment about “Famous Grouse” being my only friend. Ah, she knew me far too well. She hadn't made any comment about my HIV status, which at the time confused me. Eventually, I put aside any questions, deciding that these things were only found if you were looking for them. I knew I had HIV, the things I had done in the past made it impossible for me not to be infected.
Even though Daniel was no long here, I was still angry at him. I poured myself yet another drink as I assembled some cardboard boxes together so I could start packing some stuff. I knew it could be months before I moved but I wanted to get a head start right away. At least then it would make my decision feel real and besides, I wanted to pack away some of the personal things I didn’t want Lucy to see. I’m sure you know what I mean.
Once the boxes were assembled I decided to check my personal email before shutting my laptop down for the night. As I scanned through my usual spam, one email caught my eye and I literally started to shake, it was a message from Molly. For a crazy moment I thought she may have been in cahoots with Daniel, first his visit and now her email. I opened her email and was aghast at what I was reading.
I found myself becoming emotional at her words. It made me remember Daniel, who always used to tell me to fight my emotions. Molly, however, had always found them endearing. Reading her message, its honesty and openness, it was a natural reaction. I mean, how could I not be emotional? After all, the woman I loved was admitting that she raped me. Was it remorse that suddenly prompted this? Was it an apology? Was it absolution? I had no idea. It just made me cry and I had no clue what my tears actually meant. She said she had wanted my child. How could she possibly have wanted my child when she wouldn’t even consider conceiving one with her own husband? Her email was a bit all over the place, but I was pleased to read she wasn’t HIV positive. I certainly didn’t want to be the one to give her that life sentence. She also started to garble on about some references her doctor had made about my HIV status, all of which sounded a bit nonsensical. If was reading it right, it meant I was not, after all, HIV positive. Of course I had to be, after all I had done in the past. It was my punishment. I shrugged, maybe I would go to see a doctor about it after this mess was sorted out.
I read the email over again, almost missing the last part. It seemed as though she had finished her email and then decided to add a bit on at the end. The entire message was just messy, I could tell the writer’s head was all over the place. As I finished the message, my heart missed several beats at her suggestion to meet. I guess, in a way, we did need to talk before I moved South. I could understand that. However, my heart was racing because of her suggested venue. A sudden cold shiver ran down me, as I realised that possibly only one of us would return from that rooftop. The trouble was, I wasn’t sure who. I responded immediately to her last request.
‘I will be there, providing Daniel comes too.’
Now my head was completely fucked up. I needed a bit of normality, so I pulled out my mobile and sent a text to Lucy.
‘If I send a taxi can you come around tomorrow for your tea? Maybe stop the night? xxx’
It was almost as if she was standing by the phone waiting, as the reply was instant.
‘Fuck, yeah! You got lube, or shall I bring some?’
I wasn’t sure exactly how to respond her message. I couldn’t remember mentioning anything about anal sex, but I guess she knew me better than I thought she did, so I just sent her a reply.
‘Taxi will be there at seven. xxx’
I took one of the boxes into the spare bedroom and opened the large drawer at the bottom of the built in wardrobe. It housed all of my photographs, many from when I was a child, including some of my parents. I’m not sure why I even kept them, as I hadn’t experienced a memorable childhood. Perhaps it was my way of reinforcing how lucky I was to have come through it all unscathed. All of them, I packed into the box. I came across a framed photo of Molly and Daniel on their wedding day. As I held it in my hand, I wished could have known them in those days, and attended their wedding. The two people I loved the most bonded together. I had kept it on display up until he died. I placed the picture into the box and continued to pile the other photos on top neatly, until I came across one picture of Molly. Her hair was soaking wet and her expression was furious. She was clearly scolding the photographer and I remembered the day well, it had been Daniel who had taken that photo.
Daniel had decided we should all get bikes and go riding together, which seemed a bit low-key in comparison to some of the things we had done. Molly, however, thought it was a great idea. She had reckoned that it would help us keep fit. She had rambled on about the ozone, or whatever it’s called, that bikes give off fewer emissions than cars and telling us that that this was to be our way of contributing to the environment.
I recalled the day like it was
just yesterday, riding our bikes sedately around the park. Both Daniel and I were getting quite bored, but Molly was loving it. We had cycled down by an area where the trees spread out, just before the boating lake, when Daniel had a brilliant idea. He suggested we each take turns cycling through the trees blindfolded, whilst the other two act as their eyes and guiding them. I went first and it was much harder than I thought. I had done okay, safely manoeuvring around three trees before coming a cropper at the fourth. I cursed at both of them for their lousy instructions, but I actually I had steered left instead of right.
Daniel was hopeless, he didn’t get past the first tree. He could only seem to steer in one direction and that was straight ahead. Molly was next and with her blindfold firmly on, she readied her bike with a determination to win. She followed Daniel’s instructions to a tee and she was actually really was good. She squealed with joy every second she kept going, calling both Daniel and I wimps. Her bragging, however, soon came to an abrupt end, as we guided her straight into the boating lake, where she involuntarily dismounted, ending up looking like a drowned rat. She cursed and cursed while we just pissed ourselves laughing. Out of all the crazy things we had done, that was the one I remember most. That was the one memory I will take to my grave with fond recollection. I could feel tears welling as I reminisced. I placed the remainder of the photos in the box and decided to pour myself a Famous Grouse and relax on my balcony. I wanted to share that memory. I wanted to share it with Daniel, I needed him.
Tortured Minds Page 17