South Dublin

by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

  West Cork

  You've been to D4 – why not visit C4? The city of Cork has a number of suburbs that have modelled themselves on Ballsbridge, most notably Montenotte, which in fact is sometimes called I Can't Believe It's Not South Dublin.

  Like Dublin, Cork has its own privileged yachting class, who are known as the Merchant Princes. It's no surprise that their Dublin cousins have adopted towns like Kinsale and Baltimore as their favourite holiday destinations within Ireland.

  Kinsale, which means ‘Dalkey of the South’, is just thirty minutes’ drive south of Cork City and is famous for its gourmet restaurants, art galleries and leisure activities, which include golf, yachting and ‘angling’, which is like fishing, but for middle-class people.

  Baltimore offers similar delights, though it should be pointed out that it's made up mostly of holiday homes and can therefore, on a winter's afternoon, resemble a North Dublin housing estate when there's a TV licence inspector on the knock.

  South Dublin is the first language of Kinsale, Baltimore and a substantial part of Cork City.

  North and West Dublin as)

  The more intrepid visitor might like to venture beyond the cosy confines of the Southside and visit North or West Dublin to witness at first-hand the poverty, gun crime and high infant mortality rate that have made this part of the world infamous. The Northside has many attractions, including the Millennium Spire, the Abbey, Gate and Ambassador theatres, the Garden of Remembrance, the Four Courts, the GPO and the Customs House, as well as the Point Depot and Croke Park. The Westside has The Square Shopping Centre in Tallaght.

  It must be pointed out that there are significant dangers involved in visiting these areas. However, by exercising a little caution, you can enjoy all they have to offer without experiencing anything more troublesome than having to hand over the contents of your handbag to a man wielding a blood-filled syringe.

  A few words of warning

  Do not carry your passport or large amounts of cash with you. Do not walk anywhere alone. Do not use the buses or the Dart at night. Avoid making unnecessary journeys after dark. In fact, don't go outside at all unless it's necessary.

  A WORD FROM CHRISTIAN

  If I had to go to, like, I don't know, Tallaght or somewhere like that, I'd love to do it in an All Terrain Scout Transport. You're talking 8.6 m high with a seriously heavy-duty cannon. It'd be like, ‘Okay, just try to take the hubcaps off this baby.’ Actually, out there, the fockers probably would try and tip it.

  I suppose if you were going to go somewhere like the Square, you'd want an AT-AT walker, which takes no prisoners.

  Under no circumstances should you attempt to use an ATM at any time. Most North- and Westsiders, while outwardly friendly, would cut your head off if they thought your fillings were gold. Keep mobile phones, BlackBerries and iPods out of view – make no mistake about it, these people will steal them.

  Avoid wearing loud or ostentatious jewellery, as the locals will think you're taking the piss out of them. Only carry a handbag or shoulder bag that can be held securely. Do not attempt to carry a handbag if you are a man – you will likely be kicked unconscious by an angry mob.

  Drivers should be alert when coming to a halt at traffic lights or a Stop sign. Keep the doors of your car locked at all times. When visiting the North City Centre area, park your vehicle in a controlled car park. If you must park on a residential street, you'll almost certainly be asked for money by a local youth wearing a fluorescent bib. The best advice is to pay him what he wants and try to think of being shaken down by this low-level protection racket as part of the overall experience.

  There is, of course, the danger of kidnapping. Make sure that the areas you intend visiting are safe by asking hotel staff or the Gardaí for advice. Always let someone know where you are going.

  The Garda Síochána do not yet have the power to shoot beggars in this part of the city, though visitors are asked not to give them money, as it only encourages this unwholesome activity.

  Remember, North and West Dublin are currently in the grip of a gun feud between rival criminal gangs. If you plan to spend more than a couple of hours in either of these areas, it's worth investing in a flak jacket. These are widely available on the Northside and come in three styles: traditional combat black, Adidas and Burberry.

  Remember, too, that the air in North and West Dublin contains more pollutants than it does on the Southside. This means that occurrences of light–headedness, breathlessness and mild headaches are not unusual. Drink a lot of water, but make sure it

  has been purified first. If in doubt, use bottled water.

  If you intend spending a lot of time exploring either region – perhaps visiting Tallaght, which in 2006 was twinned with the Palestinian town of Ramallah – you'd be advised to do so only in an armoured personnel carrier. These are fun, safe and available to rent in a number of different models. Splash out – literally – on the new, redesigned Chinese Type 63A, the only dedicated modern amphibious tank in the world, or go for the more meat-and-two-veg option of the DOZOR-B, which will provide protection against everything from small-arms fire to weapons of mass destruction.

  ThesauRoss

  A

  Abs-and-pecs-olutely: adv. absolutely.

  Accumulator: noun a run of good form in which one manages to ‘cop off’ with three or more girls in one social group.

  Ace: verb to perform a function with minimum effort.

  Airbags: noun a woman's breasts.

  See also: Funbags; Lung capacity; Rack; Top tens; Walters.

  AJH: abbr. a woman of low social status, from Ah Jaysus Howiya [a popular greeting in the socially disadvantaged areas of Dublin].

  Alan Whickers: noun, rhym. knickers, e.g. ‘Why are you getting your Alan Whickers in a twist?’ [Alan Whicker (b. 2 August 1925) is a British journalist and broadcaster.]

  Allied Irish: noun, rhym. an act of self-debasement popularly believed to induce blindness: Allied Irish Bank.

  Anoraksia: noun a personality disorder characterized by an obsession with statistics and trivia.

  Anto: noun a member of the poorer social class, so called because of the popularity of the name in Dublin's areas of disadvantage.

  Apollo Creed: noun, verb the act of being intimate with an aesthetically displeasing stranger for one night only [in the movie Rocky (1976), world heavyweight boxing champion Apollo Creed offered a random nobody a shot at the title]. Example: ‘Oh my God, what the fock is that? It's got Conor!’ ‘It's some total randomer he pulled. He said at the stort of the night he was going to do an Apollo Creed.’ ‘She's got a face like a chihuahua shitting a peach stone.’ ‘I know.’ See also: Shot at the title.

  Aristotle: noun, rhym. 1. courage, 2. a glass receptacle. Bottle. [Aristotle (384-322 bc) was a Greek philosopher, pupil of Plato and teacher of Alexander the Great, who established the methods of Western philosophy.]

  Arms swinging, arrive with one's: verb to go to a house party without bringing any alcohol.

  Atomic wedgy: noun an act of mild torture, usually practised by schoolboys and adult rugby players, in which the victim's underpants are twisted until they snap, then removed from his body over his head; verb to perform an atomic wedgy. See also: Wedgy.

  Ayrton: noun, rhym. a tenner, 10, from Ayrton Senna. [Ayrton Senna (21 March 1960-1 May 1994) was a Brazilian racing-car driver who won the Formula One World Championship three times and died in a crash at Imola in 1994.]

  B

  Babealicious: adj. (of a woman), aesthetically pleasing to the senses and the mind.

  Baghdad: adj., rhym. Mentally unstable; mad.

  Bag it up: verb (of one's penis) to put on a condom. Example: ‘Bag that thing up before you point it at me.’ ‘Fock! I wouldn't have asked you back here if I'd known you weren't on the Jack and Jill.’

  Bail in: verb to initiate the process of sexual intercourse, often after a long stand-off. Example: ‘I couldn't sit through another of her stories about how she'd been
hurt in the past, so I knocked back my drink and bailed in.’

  Ballistic: adj. extremely angry; verb go ballistic: to fly into a rage.

  Bally-go-on-go-on-go-on: noun a popular brand of mineral water: Ballygowan. [From the catchphrase ‘Go on, go on, go on… ’ used by Mrs Doyle in the popular TV series Father Ted (1995-8).]

  Ballyjames: adj. up the Ballyjames (of a woman): having a child developing in the uterus [Brit., Aus. informal, Up the duff]: Ballyjamesduff. See also: Damien, up the.

  Batter: informal on the batter: to enjoy a long period of drinking alcohol, especially pints of lager – often prefaced by ‘major’, ‘total’ or ‘serious’.

  Battle cruiser: noun, rhym. a public house: boozer.

  Battle formation, in: adj. (of a penis) erect.

  Beamer: noun a BMW car.

  Beaten with the ugly stick: noun ugly.

  Beer goggles: noun the alcohol-induced distortion of vision that makes unattractive women look attractive. Example: ‘I swear to fock, she looked like Liz Hurley last night. When I threw her out this morning she looked more like Red Hurley. I had the old beer goggles on, of course.’

  Bee stings: noun small breasts.

  Bells: adv. used to specify the hour in telling the time. Example: ‘Dude, what time is it?’ ‘It's, like, seven bells.’ ‘Whoah, nice Rolex.’ ‘Whatever.’

  Benny: noun 1. a man who has a sexual preference for people of his own sex: bent; 2. a term of abuse used randomly by adolescent boys.

  Bet-down: adj. ugly. Example: ‘Whoa! Jonathan's new bird is seriously bet-down.’ ‘Is there any proof that she's even a girl?’

  Betty Ford: noun someone who spoils the fun for everyone by not drinking alcohol and by telling everyone in the pub that he/she is not drinking alcohol.

  Be with: verb 1. to kiss; 2. to engage in sexual activity with.

  Biddy: noun an elderly woman who is particularly annoying or interfering.

  Big-match temperament: noun (of a man) the ability to withstand pressure situations, usually in relation to chatting up women.

  Bladdered: adj. very drunk. Example: ‘Dude, there's a focking traffic cone in my bed.’ ‘I'm not surprised, you were totally bladdered last night.’ ‘Hang on – no, it's not a traffic cone.’

  Blankers-Koen: noun attractive girls, from Fanny. [Fanny Blankers-Koen (née Francina Elsje Koen) was an athlete from the Netherlands who won four gold medals at the 1948 Olympics in London, in the hurdles (200m, 100m and 80m) and the sprint relay (4 × 100 m).]

  Blanket welding: noun the act of masturbating.

  Blob strop: noun a condition experienced by women before or during menstruation, involving moodiness, irritability and swings of emotion. Example: ‘I mean, she's crying. Just because I forgot her birthday.’ ‘Sounds like a major case of blob strop to me.’ ‘Let's get bladdered.’ ‘Cool.’

  Blocks, up on the: the condition of menstruating. Example: ‘Did you get your bit?’ ‘No, she was up on the blocks.’ ‘I hope you left there and then?’ ‘I did.’ See also: Communists; Munster are playing at home; Painters; Period costume drama.

  Blow chunks: verb to eject matter, often alcohol and fast food, from the stomach through the mouth; to vomit. Blowing chunks.

  Boat race: noun, rhym. face

  BOBFOC: noun, abbr. a woman with an attractive body but a repulsive face: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

  Bod: noun, abbr. 1. body; 2. Brian O'Driscoll [the captain of the Ireland rugby team].

  Bogball: noun Gaelic football.

  Bogger: noun an unsophisticated person from the countryside or anywhere outside Dublin. Example: ‘Look at those Munster fans. You have to give it to them – they are, like, SO the best supporters in the world.’ ‘Yeah. Focking boggers!’

  Bogland: noun The countryside. Anywhere outside Dublin.

  Bone: verb (of a man) to have sexual intercourse with a woman. Throw a bone.

  Book: adj. cool. [If you try to type the word ‘cool’ in predictive text, you'll get the word ‘book’.]

  Borf: verb to vomit; noun matter vomited from the stomach: barf.

  Borney: noun an argument, often between a man and woman: barney.

  Bould thing: noun sexual activity, especially intercourse; verb do the bould thing. Example: ‘Look at that Golf GTI across there in the cor pork. It's going up and down like a Northsider's knickers.’ ‘They must be doing the bould thing.’ ‘I'll say this, they've good suspension, those GTIs.’ ‘That's actually true.’

  Brad Pitts: noun, rhym. a woman's breasts: tits.

  Brayjing: noun a nickname for Bray, a town in north County Wicklow with a large immigrant Chinese population.

  Brayruit: noun a nickname for Bray, a town in north County Wicklow with a reputation for lawlessness.

  Bricking: adj. scared. Bricking it.

  Britneys: noun, rhym. beers: Britney Spears. [Britney Spears (b. 2 December 1981) is a pop singer with four hit albums, sixteen singles, a Grammy and five MTV Europe music awards to her credit.] Example: ‘Are you coming out for a few Britneys?’ ‘Yeah – and the rest!’

  Brown bread: adj., rhym. dead.

  Bualadh: /boola/noun bus, from bualadh bos (Gaelic, meaning ‘applause’).

  Bucket of smashed crabs, a face like a: noun (of a woman) very ugly.

  Bullet: verb take a bullet, to engage in an act of sexual intimacy with an unattractive woman so your friend can have her better-looking companion. Example: ‘Look at her! She's SO like Tiffani Thiessen, you'd swear it was actually her. Oh no, look at her mate – she's a focking hog.’ ‘Dude, I'll take a bullet for you.’ ‘Okay, let's go.’ ‘Hang on, I'm just going to see can I get a glass of milk at the bor. Settle my stomach.’

  Bullet in the chamber, a: noun a backlog of semen that can make a man appear desperate in a nightclub situation. Example: ‘No, I always knock one off to Home and Away on a Friday night. I'd never hit Lillie's with a bullet in the chamber.’

  Bulling: adj. demonstrating anger.

  C

  CABs: noun, pl., abbr. male, middle-aged bores who hang around golf or rugby club bars: Clubhouse Alpha Bores.

  Can: noun the toilet.

  C as M: adj., abbr. of low social status or demonstrating signs of this: common as muck. Example: ‘Look at that! That woman's buying one of those wretched Lottery scratch cords!’ ‘C as M, Fionnuala! C as M!’

  Cat: adj. (of a woman) ugly.

  Celia Holman Lee: noun, rhym. attractive women, talent: gee [Celia Holman Lee is the head of a famous Limerick-based modelling agency.]

  Chandler: noun someone, especially a man, who has difficulty committing himself to serious relationships. [Chandler Bing is a character in the US sitcom Friends (1994-2004).] Example: ‘Have you heard from him?’ ‘No, not since Tuesday night.’ ‘Not even a text?’ ‘Nothing. I'm telling you, he is doing SUCH a Chandler on me.’ ‘Mind you, it's only Wednesday morning.’ ‘I suppose.’ ‘Hey, let's watch Friends on DVD and eat cake.’

  Chariots of Fire: noun a game, particularly popular in rugby clubs, in which a length of toilet paper, usually five sheets, is inserted between the buttocks of each player, then lit. The last player to extinguish the fire is deemed the winner.

  Chicken oriental: adj., rhym. mental.

  Chillax: verb to become less tense or anxious; from conflation of ‘chill’ and ‘relax’.

  Chipper scum: noun socially disadvantaged people who exist on takeaway food, especially food that has been deep-fried in batter.

  Chris Rea's Welsh cousin: noun a condition in which faeces is discharged from the bowels in liquid form: Dai Rea (diarrhoea). Example: ‘Didn't see you at the Leinster match last night.’ ‘Yeah, I'd a touch of that Chris Rea's Welsh cousin. I was on the bowl all night.’ ‘That sounds like better entertainment than the match.’

  Christian Andersens: noun, pl. hands, from Hans Christian Andersen. [Hans Christian Andersen (1805-75) was a children's author from Denmark who wrote such classics as ‘The Ugly Duckling’ and ‘The
Emperor's New Clothes’.] Example: ‘Oh my God, I've just totalled the old man's Beamer. I'm not even allowed to, like, drive it and shit?’ ‘Looks like you've a major problem on your Christian Andersens, Dude.’

  Chubby Chaser: noun a man with a penchant for women who are overweight.

  CHV: noun, abbr. objectionable or contemptible people who live in local authority housing schemes: Council House Vermin.

  Clip, nothing in the: (of a man) having no sexual desire. Example: ‘I'd actually knocked one off ten minutes before the wife came home unexpectedly and suggested we go to bed. Well, Vicar, as you can well imagine, it was like walking into a gunfight with nothing in the clip.’ See also: Wankrupt.

  Cliterati: noun, pl. a fashionable set of women.

  Clobber: noun clothing, especially men's.

  Columbo, a raincoat for: noun a condom. [Columbo was a popular 1970s US detective show starring Peter Falk.] Example: ‘Oh, I want you! I want you! Yes! Yes! Take me! Take me now!’ ‘Hey, hold your horses. I'm just going to grab a raincoat for Columbo.’ See also: Johnny B. Goods; Love zeppelin.