The Chef, the Bird and the Blessing

by Andrew Sharp

  Copyright © 2021 Andrew Sharp

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, birds and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  Matador

  9 Priory Business Park,

  Wistow Road, Kibworth Beauchamp,

  Leicestershire. LE8 0RX

  Tel: 0116 279 2299

  Email: books@troubador.co.uk

  Web: www.troubador.co.uk/matador

  Twitter: @matadorbooks

  ISBN 9781800466364

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Matador® is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd

  Not all who ask for the impossible are refused

  Swahili proverb

  Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Chapter 1

  In the thin soup of the fading night, I almost collided on my bicycle with a grey and absent-minded elephant. It straddled the dirt track, as motionless as a stuffed exhibit in a museum. I smelt its sour and grassy breath and sensed its crushing weight on the gravel. I retreated, quick time, to linger behind a tree, suffering a nervous fidget as I waited for it to vacate the way. I, Chef Mlantushi, head chef —no less— at BOD-W safaris, could not be late for work that morning. There were VIP guests to prepare for, one of whom excited my highest expectation.

  The elephant was in no particular hurry, but after I had endured a tiresome ten minutes it broke the silence by relieving itself, pouring like a punctured water tank. Finding its standing place puddled, it moved off into the bush with a dipping gait, coiling its trunk playfully around its ivories as if it had found it amusing to delay me.

  Where there is one elephant, there are always more nearby, stealing through the bush as silent as smoke. I wasted no time. I hoofed the pedals, urgent as the creatures of the night —porcupines, civets, servals— which I saw scurrying to their burrows, fearful of being spotlighted by the sun. A sloping hyena appeared ahead on the track to feast its soulless but hungry black eyes on me, and then as quickly vanished, to haunt my passage. Its panting left a fresh meat odour on the track. Every morning I risked my life on my way to my duties. The authorities should have provided street lighting and constructed strong fences beside the way. How could citizens safely go about their business?

  As always, I had been first up in the village, setting off at four forty-six hours, leaving my good wife sleeping. The glow of the milky way had guided my passage; a billion bright worlds, like my beckoning dreams of career advancement. I had passed the thick fences of barbed euphorbia which protected the village from roaming predators, and which bottled milky sap to scald the skin of the unsuspecting. Then past the standpipe from where I collected water. Soon, I was away from the fug of village woodsmoke that lingered from the evening and was breathing the so-called fresh air of the bush. But I was not fooled. The air was in no way hygienic but was infested with spores and furtive odours. No, nothing out there was what the innocent tourists believed it to be.

  The track twisted like an animal path through the scrub next to the National Park but I sported no cycle light. I had no wish to attract moths to frighten me with their soft but strong flapping if they became trapped inside my shirt. I accidentally cut in two a black serpent of marching ants, crossing the track in a risky search for moisture. The rains should have started but the weather had altered these last seasons, causing creatures to grow restless; to want to escape to a better place.

  I arrived at last at five twenty-three hours just as the stars checked out above the east horizon. In the pasty light, my employer’s thatched dwelling resembled an abandoned mound of timber and old bricks scruffily haired with hay. No home should have been there, out alone in the wild like that, with only crooked trees and spikey bushes as neighbours. Beyond, the scrub spread in a tangle of perils and mysteries as far as I dared imagine. But soon the sun’s fierce light would sear across the bush, stirring the crawlies in the thatch and the ants in the timber. Its heat would dry twigs and leaves to powder.

  I parked my transport against the broken wall of the outhouse and started the moody generator by the hazardous operation of a squeaking fuel pump and a sparking together of wires. I coughed out the smoke and entered the house by the back door. A night fowl alarmed its last, the quivering call shivering my spine. I took great comfort to be indoors.

  In the kitchen, I shined the sink to Presidential palace standards although I hasten to say that the inside of my employer’s abode was little better than the outside and by no means a place of national pride. Conversely, it was a sad disgrace due to his disordered practices and his lack of aspirations. Despite this, I strived to maintain a suitable standard for our illustrious guests. The red cement floors were cracked but I waxed them to a grade so smooth that a person who walked on them in socks —in the way of my employer’s English birders— found difficulty in remaining upright. I swept away curling skins of yellowing paint fallen from the ceiling, two lost beetles and a scouting patrol of ants.

  Everything sanitised to my specification, I hotted the iron in the kitchen annex, took an apron and pressed it with said iron, utilising a firm hand. I lifted the garment to my eye and exclaimed ‘Ha!’ to myself. I ran my finger along the so-white fabric to confirm it conquered. I attired myself. What a fine pleasure to feel the apron’s warmth against my stomach and smelling like a fresh baked bread. I tied the apron in a two-knot bow behind my back. There is no more shameful sight than a head chef whose apron strings have come undone.

  After placing my employer’s breakfast on the veranda under a net to protect it from the flies, I prepared the finest alfresco luncheon for our VIP guests Miss Camlyn and Mr Summerberg: green mealie fritters with tangy avocado cream, carpaccio of smoked ostrich with nasturtiums, pickled bream, cherry and pecan nut cookies. I placed a bottle of my home-made granadilla and mint cordial into the cool box. That cordial was always a big deal with guests. Indeed, I hoped that Miss Camlyn and Mr Summerberg would say (in the fashion of their native tongue) that they were ‘blown away’, although it was the lady who excited my highest expectation. According to my employer, she was a prosperous notable who owned restaurants in
the greatest cities of the world. What an opportunity was arriving for a young chef with noble ambitions, such as myself. She would deliver me from that woeful place and her gracious patronage would undoubtedly lead to fantastical benefits.

  Certainly, I reasoned, Miss Camlyn would wish to complete the satisfaction of her diners by placing me in a high-end chef position in her restaurants. It is true that I indulged a harmless fantasy. Before long, famous food pundits would write Head Chef Mlantushi has excelled himself again with this sumptuous dish of black sesame bavarois dacquoise with fennel and Alpine strawberries. Yes, top professional realisation was my sure destination.

  The only disquiet on my mind as I prepared for our two guests was this: I hoped that they planned to marry. My wife would ask me if this was so. She was a full immersion member of the Divine Prosperity Assembly and so valued purity and piety and did not like to imagine me being exposed to —and so corrupted by—Westerners living sinfully. In bygone days she was not so exacting, I tried to forget.

  My devotion was interrupted by Mr Bin, my employer. He stumbled uninvited through the kitchen door whilst I folded a snack of smoked marlin pancakes. With regret, I have to report that he was in shorts and bare feet, like a village boy. A boy who had grown far too tall for his class. His hair was a heap of charcoal having not yet found a comb and his face begged a razor. Some guests titled him The White Tribesman, they finding that he was birthed and reared north of the Zambezi, just like an indigenous. But he was not truly indigenously indigenous, being the child of an expatriate Irish female and a South African male with a work permit for digging copper and gold. But Mr Bin himself was not a fly-in-fly-out expatriate like his mother or a business visitor from way down south like his father, although he had schooled there. But all could see that he was not skinned as an indigenous. I concluded that his was a criss-cross, problematic identity. He no doubt had two passports, just in case.

  He finished dressing himself, fumbling his shirt buttons with fingers that had not yet woken up, rubbing the doze from his eyes and huffing and grumbling.

  ‘Jeez Mozzy, why didn’t you wake me man? I’ve got clients to pick up. I’m going to be late.’

  His furry little night ape, hearing he was awake, streaked through the door, sprang onto his shoulder and stared at me in a threatening fashion as was its custom. It bobbed up and down whist it held onto Mr Bin’s ear with its tight little claw hand and its long tail straggled around Mr Bin’s neck. Mr Bin chuckled baby-like and said hi to the ape, raising an arm to scratch its neck.

  I arranged the pancakes on a porcelain plate delicately decorated with a floral fuss, suitably fine for illustrious guests. ‘Mr Bin, you’re the gentleman with the difficulties.’ I presented to my employer a disappointed countenance although this had not previously been conducive to changing his performance. ‘I’ve politely informed you that I’m the company head chef. Not your carer. Nor your domestic servant. In any case … I’ll not enter your bedroom. It causes me great offence. It’s like the rubbish dump of a shanty town. No one should live in such squalor.’

  Mr Bin indulged himself in a foolish smile and said, ‘Eish! You’re on form this morning, Mozzy, and let me remind you … it’s Ben. B E N. Not Mr and not Bin.’

  ‘Then I’d like to respectively remind you,’ I said with all tolerance, ‘it’s Savalamuratichimimozi. Not Mozzy. I’m asking you again to make the minor effort to learn my name. If I learn yours … you must learn mine. The colonial period is long past —two generations ago. As a point of fact, in a top establishment you’d address me as Chef Mlantushi.’ I fashioned napkins for the safari picnic into the form of crowned cranes. ‘And furthermore … kindly stay out of the kitchen. This is my place.’

  ‘Unreal! How can there be anywhere out of bounds to me in my own house Sava … tichimimozi?’ He up-squinted to speak to his ape. ‘It’s a human right … don’t you agree?’ The ape arched its eyebrows and displayed his little teeth at me. He always took Mr Bin’s point of view.

  ‘Truth is,’ said Mr Bin, ‘I’m in a huff. I don’t pay you to wake me … but you could put your dozy head around my door. Check I’m up. It’s the friendly thing to do.’

  I maintained silence in all dignity. I had work to do. Friendly was not for work. Friendly could lead to sloppy enactment of duties and disturbance of professional etiquette. I witnessed that the ice was ready in its trays in the gas freezer and that I had stocked enough lagers (Export Quality) in case Mr Summerberg was expectant of dousing his throat with alcohol. Myself, I did not imbibe on account of the restraint necessary for an individual in my exacting vocation.

  Mr Bin pulled the ape from his head to his chest and rubbed its belly fur, consulting with it again. ‘I could find another cook. If that’s what he wants. Someone who acts helpful.’

  I fetched the hallmarked tea service (bequeathed to Mr Bin by a more respectable ancestor) and the Italian coffee percolator. If he could not see that I was wasting my youth years helping him, then I had nothing more to tell him. In truth it was our guests that I strived to serve rather than Mr Bin. Mr Bin was my duty. Service and duty, I had those principles. Service? A sober joy. Duty? A doctrine and necessity.

  ‘There are hundreds of unemployed cooks pleading for work,’ he told his ape. The ape turned its head to fix me with the evil eye although I did not subscribe to such superstitions. ‘They’ll all be kind enough to knock on my door to check I’m up. And I’m sure he’s not the only oke who can boil an egg and slap a sarmie together.’

  ‘Mr Bin, I’ve left your breakfast on the table outside … if the monkeys haven’t helped themselves. The eggs benedict has certainly cooled because you departed your bed late.’

  ‘I’m also thinking of all the tickeys I’ll save on his fancy cooking. He’s bankrupting me.’ The ape had closed its eyes on account of the belly rub.

  I noted with further disappointment that Mr Bin’s shorts were as creased as the thigh of a dehydrated elephant. The previous day I had taken on myself to iron them to a knife edge like my aprons so that I would not be obliged to apologise to our guests for my employer’s unprofessional deportment. I was in no doubt that he had left them on his bedroom floor overnight with a composting heap of shirts, dusty boots, baseball caps and encyclopaedias on the multitudinous configurations and chromates of fowls. There was no ending to disenchantments with Mr Bin.

  I consulted my LCD watch. ‘Mr Bin, put on your shoes. You must depart immediately to collect our guests. They’re new guests and they’re prosperous. You’ll wish to give a blameless impression. You can’t progress your business on the patient benevolence of your clients. Discipline … professionalism … diligence are the proper ways to achieve excellence in business. Indeed, in the passaging of life.’

  Mr Bin’s cat entered my kitchen. He had named it Caterpillar on account of its fur of orange and black. Something writhed in the cat’s mouth, I thought a short snake or perhaps a long worm. It dropped its prey on the floor. The little serpent continued to dance about, spilling spit on the recently polished surface, encouraged by the paws of the cat. Mr Bin crouched down to examine the creature with a close eye, but the ape flew from him, landed on the other side of the doorway and scurried away to hide.

  Mr Bin stroked the cold pipe of the snake’s skin as if it was a loved one. ‘Leptotyphlops nigricans. Slender blind snake. A natural wonder—’

  ‘Kindly move yourselves out! All three of you!’ I gestured the direction of the door.

  Mr Bin scooped Caterpillar and stood up, open mouthed as if catching flies. He made no effort to shift himself. He delivered a big deal sigh. ‘I’ve had enough. You’ll have to go. Just take your bike and voetsek!’

  ‘What? Right now?’ I said, bored with his whineful complaints and frustrated at this fruitless converse whilst I tried to complete preparations for our guests. I filled a silver bowl with cubes of crystalline sugar.

  ‘Don’t be a domko
p. Wait until Camlyn and … er … Summerwhatsit finish their safari this evening.’

  When I did not respond further to his provocation, he hugged the cat to his unshaved cheek and said, ‘There, there … it’s okay puss. You just brought a pressy for your old man.’

  Caterpillar dangled from Mr Bin’s arms. Thick blankets of fur fell to the floor as Mr Bin stroked it, perhaps due to a mange, creating further impurities in my kitchen. I did not want a predator’s bristles in my dishes.

  The wriggly attempted to slither away but was unable, due to the polished floor. Mr Bin squat-kneed and he and the cat inspected the specimen once more. Mr Bin could become absorbed for long hours in zoological study. I took a dustpan and brush from its designated hook in the cupboard. Despite Mr Bin’s unreasonable protestations and the displeasure of Caterpillar, I slung the thrashing object out of the window into the wilds where it belonged. I had no doubt that it would have considered itself more comfortable in Mr Bin’s bedroom.

  Mr Bin remained uncorrected. ‘Oh … come now Mozzy. It wasn’t doing you any harm! You’ve no feelings.’

  How mistaken of Mr Bin. In actuality, I felt deeply. Too, too, deeply. The happiness of my diners was my heart’s desire. For instance, if our guests were merry, I was satisfied, if they were discontented, I was disconcerted. Yes, too deeply. On rare occasions I even came close to an emotional cracking, a fateful fault to avoid for the sake of good order.

  I turned to urge Mr Bin, yet again, to get moving and fetch our guests, but he had left the kitchen. I cleansed the floor, dreaming of prospering in a refined locality, away from scurrying vermin, never again to have to endure the maddening tinnitus of flies or the stings of the cunning tsetses. The restaurant of my happiest dream was in a modern metropolis of polished stone, shining metal and glass, hosed pavings, ordered and scheduled transport systems. Far overseas: either the rising East or the progressive West, no matter. As a sublime bonus, when I escaped the wilderness, I would also escape Mr Bin.