by Karin Baine
Someone opened the washing-machine door mid-cycle and left her slipping and sliding in the mess. Lucas might have made it here unscathed but her heart had definitely been damaged in transit.
He sneaked a glance at the exit and she knew he was getting ready to leave. At least the last time he’d taken the coward’s way out he’d had his reasons. Well, she wasn’t prepared to stand back and say nothing and spend the rest of her days not putting up some sort of fight.
‘Did we? Or are we back to being two very different pieces going their separate ways again?’ It took all of the strength she’d built up over the past year to keep the hysteria from her voice. She’d survived being an abandoned wife and she was pretty certain she’d get over being a fling for old times’ sake, if this was all it had been to him, but she needed to know. There was no way she was wasting any more of her life waiting for him to make his mind up about what he wanted. She owed herself more than that.
‘Freya...last night...this morning... It was a mistake.’
‘Way to make a girl feel special,’ she muttered as he crushed her last hope with a single word. Through her rose-tinted glasses it had been special, passionate, emotional and all the other positive feelings a woman would want to attach to a night with the man she loved. A mistake spoke of regret and remorse and all those negative connotations she didn’t want him to associate with her.
He ditched his luggage again so all their baggage lay in a heap between them in the middle of the airport. It wasn’t fair. In one of those far-fetched romantic films this should be the part where he declared his undying love for her and they walked off hand in hand. His sigh indicated this was going to be more of a bittersweet goodbye. The kind of heartbreaking tragedy you’d watch in bed with an unending supply of chocolate and tissues.
‘It was amazing but does it really change anything between us? We still want different things. For you that’s undoubtedly going to include a family and that’s simply something I can’t entertain. There’s no point in either of us pretending this is going to work... In fact, we should probably see about getting a divorce. Then we can both move on.’
He stole her breath away with the blunt truth that she’d been asking for all along. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the one she’d wanted to hear.
‘Don’t you think this is the kind of thing we should talk over in private?’ It was true that desire to have another baby had probably dominated the early days of their marriage but that had been before their split, or Lucas sharing anything of his fears. She wouldn’t bring another life into existence unless she was sure her relationship with the father was solid and this proved they were far from that ideal.
‘Being with you this weekend and actually talking things through has helped me, it really has, but I think it’s come too late for us.’
She wrenched away as he attempted to put his hands on her shoulders. He didn’t get to touch her now if he was seriously going to dismiss what they’d had, what they’d shared, as if it had been any run-of-the-mill encounter.
‘Well, I’m glad I could fix you and send you on your way.’ The few words she managed to get out were dripping with bitterness towards the next woman he’d share his bed with but if he didn’t think there was anything worth saving here then she wasn’t going to beg him to change his mind. It had taken her long enough to claw back her dignity the last time he’d rejected her and she’d already proved she was strong enough to carry on without him. This was a setback but she’d bounce back again. It was what she did.
‘I’m sorry, Freya. I only ever wanted to do the right thing by you.’
His platitudes were muted by the blood suddenly pounding in her ears as she grabbed her stuff and turned away. ‘Don’t forget those divorce papers. I think you know the address.’
The airport door swished open and she stepped outside with a confident stride. This was it, closure on Lucas Brodie and her ill-fated marriage. It had come at the cost of another very painful lesson about letting anyone that close enough to hurt her again.
As the cold air hit the tears on her face she swiped them away with the back of her hand. Thankfully she’d developed a thicker skin since last time.
CHAPTER SEVEN
FREYA WET SOME paper towels under the tap and pressed them to her flushed face and neck. It wouldn’t be very professional to go back on the wards looking like this when she’d spent the best part of two months pretending to everyone she was fine. After a quick rummage in her purse, she popped a breath mint in her mouth and dabbed on some make-up to try to disguise the redness around her eyes. She stared at the reflection of the stranger in the bathroom mirror. Lapland with Lucas had changed her into someone she didn’t recognise any more. She’d clearly underestimated the long-lasting effect spending time with him again would have on her and he’d left her with even more baggage to deal with than before.
The faint sound of Christmas carols filtered in from the wards and made her well up all over again. Whilst everyone else around her was gearing up to celebrate, they only served to remind her she’d been left alone and heartbroken for the season again.
When the wave of grief had passed and the puffiness around her eyes had subsided, she ventured outside into the corridor. Gillian was waiting, propped against the wall with her arms folded and her lips pursed.
‘He really doesn’t deserve any more of your tears.’
‘Tell me something I don’t know,’ she muttered and kept on walking along the festooned corridor, somehow resisting the urge to rip down garish decorations.
There was no point in lecturing her now when the damage had been done.
‘I’m serious. You can’t let him get to you now when you’d been making such progress. I thought you’d both managed to get along when we were out there. What the hell happened after I left to have you in such a state?’
‘Apparently nothing of any significance to him.’ Freya hadn’t shared the intimate details with anyone, in the naive belief it would help her forget more easily. She’d been so very, very wrong.
Gillian marched ahead, only to then spin around and force Freya to a complete stop. ‘I wish I could get my hands on him. He swans off back to whatever cave he’s been hiding in and leaves you picking up the pieces again. It’s not right. He obviously must’ve made some sort of promise to you for you to be so cut up over him a second time.’
Now she thought about it, the only promise he’d actually made to her had been to be honest and not walk out on her again without an explanation. Well, he’d lived up to his word, brutally so. He’d told her he didn’t want to be with her or have a family with her. Case closed.
Although Freya was tempted to incite her over-protective friend into bashing Lucas over the head with a bedpan on her behalf. It would be comedy gold if the whole thing wasn’t such a disaster. The best of it was neither of them would understand why she was so upset.
‘No promises. No blame anywhere except at myself.’ It was her prerogative to stay mad at Lucas if she chose, but in the end, she’d had to take responsibility for her epic fail. She really should’ve known better.
‘You can’t spend every day crying in the ladies’ toilets. You’re making yourself ill. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you’re hardly eating anything these days either.’ Gillian assumed the role of nagging mother figure since Freya’s own parents were happily far enough away they hadn’t seen the evidence of her apparent decline for themselves. A tip-off that their only child wasn’t eating properly and she’d be whipped back home and force-fed enough carbs to triple her dress size in no time.
At first she’d thought she’d been saved the humiliation of telling them she and Lucas were back together, only to have to admit he’d called it quits again. In another few months her increasing waistline and persistent single status were going to make it painfully clear what had happened anyway.
‘I ha
ven’t had much of an appetite lately but I’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry.’ The last thing she’d wanted was to draw attention to herself and imagined Gillian had only noticed something was wrong because she’d been looking for the signs. She’d witnessed the fallout from Lucas’s unpredictable behaviour once before, so it was no wonder she in particular should be on her guard now.
‘Why don’t we get you seen by one of the doctors so they can give you something to lift your mood?’ Gillian took her by the arm and for a second Freya thought she was actually going to drag her into one of the cubicles.
‘There’s nothing wrong with my mood. I would just like to get back to work. My break’s over and I’m sure we’ve got a waiting room full of people out there.’ There was sufficient drama in the halls of the emergency department every day of the week without adding hers to it. Medication wasn’t going to change what had happened anyway.
‘Will you stop being so stubborn and please just let me help you? Don’t let him ruin your life again.’ It was the concern in her friend’s voice and that worried frown that finally broke her down. She’d tried to get through this on her own, with limited success, and it was only going to get tougher from here on in. A friend was the one thing she needed right now and that was all Gillian was trying to be for her.
‘I won’t.’ The irony was he’d made her life worth living again after he’d left her with the most precious gift of all. Her guard slipped for a moment and her hands moved to protect the little souvenir growing in her belly.
Fate had brought the two of them together again that night and a lack of contraception had brought her a surprise not long after. Initially she’d put the nausea and unstable emotional state solely down to his rejection too, but she was a nurse; she’d figured it out eventually. As had Gillian apparently as she clocked the subtle movement and let out a shocked gasp.
Freya put her finger to her lips and moved her past the oversized Christmas tree and pile of brightly wrapped presents towards the empty triage room.
‘You’re pregnant?’ Gillian might have done her best to keep the news quiet by mouthing the revelation but she had also grabbed Freya by both arms and was shaking her.
‘You’re going to make me throw up again if you keep doing that.’ Her teeth were rattling but she was finally smiling again. It had been hard, keeping the news to herself, and at least with one confidante she might be able to enjoy this pregnancy. This baby hadn’t got off to the easiest start with an absentee dad who’d made it clear a family wasn’t in his plans for the future and a weeping mum mourning for her lost love. From here on her focus was going to be on the bundle of joy that would be arriving sometime in the summer.
‘Sorry. Oh, come here.’ Her friend pulled her into a bear hug and Freya couldn’t help getting a tad emotional. The admission had relieved some of the stress from her shoulders now it wasn’t a total secret.
‘I can’t believe I’m actually going to be a mum.’ Telling Gillian somehow made it more real than the vomiting or the half-dozen pregnancy tests she’d taken to confirm those first suspicions. With that had come the parenting doubts that she was cut out for this on her own.
‘Auntie Gillian will be there for scans and appointments and anywhere else you need me to hold your hand. That’s if you want me getting in the way?’
‘Of course I do.’ Freya clutched her tighter, revelling in the friendship being extended to her and her unborn child. They were going to need all the help they could get. All the exciting stages of pregnancy might seem a tad less daunting as a single parent if she had someone by her side, taking an interest in the little jelly bean growing inside her.
‘What about Lucas?’ The hug disintegrated as Gillian broached the subject of the unwitting father-to-be and Freya moved back to reclaim her personal space.
‘What about him?’ Apart from his obvious part in the conception, this baby was nothing to do with her ex-husband. She didn’t know how she was going to manage financially or emotionally with parenthood but Lucas not being part of it was the one thing she was sure about.
He’d confirmed it for her with a touching postcard from Lapland a few days after they’d returned, which she liked to look at in those moments of doubt she was doing the right thing by keeping him in the dark. It must’ve been posted the morning they’d visited the post office, before they’d spent the night together.
I could never be the family man you need me to be...
It would’ve been prudent if he’d told her that before they’d got married, or indeed before she’d slept with him again. The warning had come too late.
‘He has a right to know.’ Gillian’s tone was much softer than before, probably because she knew she was treading on dangerous ground. Only a minute ago she’d been practically begging that the man be wiped completely from her memory.
‘He doesn’t have any rights. He wants a divorce.’ That word was still a jagged needle piercing her skin every time it was mentioned. It was the legal confirmation her husband no longer wanted her and she had failed as a wife. No one got married thinking this was how it was going to end—living separate lives with a valley full of pain keeping them apart.
‘Did he really say that?’
‘Yes, he said that. So if you’re harbouring any fantasies that a surprise pregnancy is somehow going to fix things you can get it out of your head now.’ That had been her initial response too as those two little lines had appeared on the pregnancy test. Until common sense had kicked in and reminded her that married life had never lived up to her dream and it wasn’t all going to fall into place now simply because she wanted it to.
The last time she’d seen him, the last words he’d spoken to her had made his position very clear. He didn’t want her to be part of his life and a baby would tie them irrevocably together for ever. Neither of them wanted that. She knew she couldn’t pretend for the rest of her life that she didn’t have feelings for him if he did surprise her and insisted on fulfilling his duty to a child he didn’t want. It would kill her to have to see him on a regular basis.
Their relationship had ended nearly a year ago and she’d convinced herself now that night had been a blip, a physical reconnection as a result of high emotions at seeing each other again. A mistake after all. He’d probably assumed she was still on the pill since she hadn’t told him otherwise, and if she hadn’t been feeling so sorry for herself when she’d got home she might’ve had time to do something to prevent this.
Except she didn’t regret getting pregnant. She gently stroked her invisible bump, grateful for the blessing inside. This was probably her only shot at motherhood after swearing off men for life and she wanted to enjoy every second of it.
‘Okay. Okay. You know I don’t have any love for the man after everything he’s done to you but as your friend it’s my duty to ask. From now on I won’t say another word about him.’ She mimed locking her lips and throwing away the key and managed to make Freya smile again. Something she’d thought she would never do after leaving Lucas at the airport. Even though she’d had weeks of worry, this baby had likely saved her from drowning in a pit of despair over her lost love. She had a different focus now other than herself and her broken heart, and a future to look forward to.
‘Thank you. Now can I go and do my job? I can’t afford to be fired.’ Every penny counted now she was going to be a single parent and with the havoc this pregnancy was already wreaking on her insides she didn’t know how long she’d be able to keep working. As if to prove the point, her stomach contracted with a sudden cramp, taking her breath away.
‘Are you okay? Do you need to sit down?’ Gillian was already pulling a chair over for her but the sharp pain was gone as quickly as it had arrived.
‘I know this is early days but it’s going to seem like a much longer pregnancy with you fussing all the time.’ Freya brushed off the concern so she didn’t go down the
same line of thought. Cramps and sickness were part of the everyday experience of early pregnancy and she didn’t want to stress herself out worrying that every little thing meant she would lose another baby.
‘Tough. I’m in this with you.’
Another hug knocked the breath out of her as her new pregnancy partner physically demonstrated the strength of her support. Rather than push her away, Freya embraced the offer of help. For the first time since discovering her own little souvenir from Lapland, she no longer felt alone. Now the secret was out, she could start looking forward to the months ahead and plan her exciting new life as a single mother-to-be.
* * *
Lucas had received word that Sam, one of the little boys on the charity trip, had been admitted to the emergency department in Princes Street during the night after a severe asthma attack. Although not strictly one of his patients, he’d called in on his afternoon off to say hello and make sure he was all right. He’d stayed in touch with most of the families from that weekend, concerned with their progress after making a personal connection with those involved. Ironic when he’d been so afraid of committing to a family of his own.
That time with Freya and the children had shown him exactly what he’d been missing in his life but he’d panicked in the face of their strong-as-ever feelings for each other and had run away again rather than talk through his fears. They’d made a good team looking after the girls and they’d had fun together. There was no evidence he would end up anything like his father but he’d let the past take over again and steal Freya from him.
He’d stomped all over her trust by letting her down again and had made it impossible for her to forgive him. Now life seemed emptier than ever he knew the only mistake he’d made had been making a mess of the second chance she’d given him. These weeks apart had been soul-destroying, knowing it had been his own paranoia preventing him from being with her.