by Karin Baine
He knew he really had lost her for good this time but it didn’t stop him lingering in her hospital territory in order to catch a glimpse of her.
He got his wish after he’d paid a visit to Sam on the main wards and he ran into her on the stairs.
‘I...er...heard Sam had been admitted. Thought I’d check in on him.’ Even though he’d anticipated seeing her again—had been reluctant to leave without doing so—he was a tad tongue-tied when they came face-to-face, as though he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t. After all, he’d been the one to put the brakes on any thoughts of a renewed attachment. If he truly thought they weren’t right for each other he shouldn’t have felt the need to look for her. He tried to justify his presence here with a valid, professional excuse.
‘That’s very kind. I was about to pop in myself, but on second thoughts I think I might leave it until later.’ She turned and headed back the way she’d come as though she couldn’t even bear to breathe the same air as him.
The hostile reception didn’t come as a surprise after his recent behaviour but neither did it lessen the burden on his conscience. Every time he thought of how they’d left things at the airport he wanted to punch himself in the face for being so apparently blasé about it all, so it was only natural she wouldn’t want to face him now. One night outside his comfort zone and those barriers he’d worked so hard to dismantle had been resurrected in double-quick time because he couldn’t shake off that legacy of self-doubt his father had bestowed upon him.
‘How are you, Freya?’ He chose to ignore the snub and jogged after her in order to attempt a proper conversation. It wasn’t merely small talk to ask about her health; she didn’t actually look well. The shadows below her once sparkling eyes and paler-than-usual complexion were signs something was amiss. Despite her fiery demeanour there was a weariness surrounding her he could identify with after his own sleepless nights. He wasn’t arrogant enough to suggest her thoughts should be entirely consumed by him but he was experienced enough in his own grief to read the telltale signs.
She stopped long enough to acknowledge him with a raised eyebrow, questioning the sincerity of his concern. It smarted as much as the open-palmed slap he’d expected. He still cared about her and that was exactly why he should have left things the way they had been between them. That night together had given them both false hope and caused even more damage than before. She’d told him exactly how much pain he’d put her through after the first break-up and he should never have given her false hope, knowing he couldn’t fully commit. By making love to her and backing off he’d hurt her all over again. It was no wonder she could hardly bear to look at him.
‘I’m fine,’ she spat, taking sufficient time over the reply to warrant doubt.
‘I’m not here for a fight, Freya. I just want to make sure you’re all right.’ He mentally strapped his hands to his sides to prevent him from reaching out to her.
‘There’s no need,’ she insisted, and set off again without him.
It should’ve been his cue to walk the other way and end his responsibility to her here since she obviously didn’t want to see or talk to him again, but he couldn’t take his eyes off her when it might be the last time he saw her. He watched her descend quickly to the bottom of the stairs, chin in the air, back ramrod-straight with that same defensive guard back in place she’d had when they’d first met. The one that said, Trust no one.
His vigilance meant he saw her stumble when she reached the door, her hands clutching her stomach as she doubled over and had to lean against the wall for support.
‘Freya?’ He took the steps two at a time to reach her and slipped a hand around her waist to help keep her upright.
‘Don’t touch me.’ She defied the pain she was clearly in to slap his hand away.
‘Stop being so stubborn and let me help you.’ He might’ve failed as her husband but he was a doctor too and right now she needed medical assistance.
‘I can manage on my own. I don’t need...you.’ The hiccup in her voice gave way to tears and Lucas’s renewed sense of guilt kicked in. He was the reason she wouldn’t accept help when she needed it most. Hadn’t he done the same thing when his father had repeatedly hurt him until it had been too late? Freya shouldn’t have to wait for whatever ailed her to spiral out of control because he’d made her afraid of letting anyone in again.
‘I know you don’t need me, you’re stronger than anyone I know, but at least let me take you to see someone.’ If she wasn’t going to permit him to give his medical opinion, the least he could do was get her to someone she did trust enough to confide in. It was a pity he wasn’t able to offer her the same support she’d provided for him but it was entirely his fault. He’d run out on her twice now, so why should she tell him anything about her life simply because they’d crossed paths now?
She snorted her derision at the apparent idea he knew anything about her now but even that minimal effort had her flinching again. Her legs seemed to buckle beneath her as she let out a sharp cry. Freya wasn’t the sort of woman to show any weakness in public, especially not at work. There was something very, very wrong here and he wasn’t taking any chances.
‘What are you doing?’ she gasped as he scooped her up into his arms with little effort.
‘It’ll be quicker than expecting you and your pride to stagger back to the emergency department.’ He wouldn’t make any apologies for wanting to keep her safe, although she might not believe he had her best interests at heart.
‘Stop it. You’re causing a scene.’ Even as she was reprimanding him, her face was contorted with pain and he knew he was doing the right thing. He could disappear once he’d got her the help she needed, if that was what she wanted, but he wasn’t going to leave her here alone and in pain. Not this time.
‘I’m sure they see husbands carrying their sick wives through here every day of the week.’ He chose to ignore the small detail that she was in uniform because the only important element of this was to find out what was wrong with her and make her better.
‘You’re not my husband any more. You made that very clear. Please leave me to deal with this alone.’ Her cries echoed in the corridor as she continued to resist his intervention. In the end, he had no choice but to set her back down on her feet before someone did see them and reported him for attempted kidnapping. The thought she hated him so much she would suffer rather than accept his help was a wake-up call to the damage he’d done. He certainly hadn’t left her with the feel-good memories of the trip he’d intended by spending the night in that igloo.
At least they weren’t too far from their destination and he insisted on accompanying her for the last few steps to get assistance.
‘Can we get some help here, please?’ he shouted at the staff who were congregated at the nurses’ station, and led Freya into the nearest available cubicle. The acute pain in her abdominal region could be anything from appendicitis to a stress-induced ulcer caused by an insensitive ex-husband. In either case, she would need urgent treatment and he doubted she’d be inclined to take it from him.
He helped her onto the bed, and all the while she was crying out and clutching her side. That sense of helplessness he hadn’t experienced since his breakdown enveloped him. He wanted to fix everything for her but he didn’t know how until they’d run all the tests they needed to diagnose the problem. She wouldn’t even let him comfort her, the one thing he should be able to do for his wife.
He stepped out of the cubicle again to yell at the staff, who were already running towards him.
‘Lucas?’ Freya’s shaky voice called him back in time to see a scarlet stain spreading across the centre of the white sheet covering the bed. This time she did reach out for him and he moved quickly to her bedside, willing her to be all right.
‘Everything’s going to be okay, Freya.’ He squeezed her hand to reassure himself as much
as her. It was only now, faced with the prospect of something happening to her, he could see what a fool he’d been in not making the most of every precious second he’d had with her.
‘Please save my baby.’ Her plea plunged straight into his chest cavity and ripped out his heart. She was pregnant? He swallowed down the sudden nausea rising in his belly to focus on comforting her as his brain tried to make sense of what was happening.
‘You’re in the best place to get help and I’m going to stay here with you.’ He moved aside for the team to attend her, his role in supporting her emotionally much more important than trying to interfere in her treatment. She wasn’t showing yet and if this was an early miscarriage there was little anyone could do other than keep her calm and make sure she rested.
‘How far along are you, Freya?’ The senior nurse bustled around, taking Freya’s blood pressure, pulse and temperature, and ordered baseline bloods and a urine check in case of water infection. They were being as thorough as anyone could ask in the circumstances.
‘About eight weeks...’
The mental calculations almost had Lucas sinking onto the hospital bed beside her. Unless she’d hooked up with someone else immediately before or after their night together, which he highly doubted, this baby was his.
He hadn’t given a thought to contraception when they’d been together in Lapland, so this was a possibility he should’ve considered. Not that it made any difference to what Freya was going through now.
He knew losing a baby would crush her even more than he already had by leaving her. It wasn’t her fault, or the baby’s, that he’d messed up. He knew what it was to suffer for the mistakes of the parents and he wouldn’t inflict the same unjustifiable punishment on another generation.
‘I can’t go through this again,’ she managed to get out between sobs.
He’d barely had time to contemplate being a father and now it seemed as though fate would steal it away from him. Equally horrific, it appeared Freya had gone through this before. Probably alone. It was no wonder she hated the sight of him if he’d caused this to happen twice.
‘They’re just going to take some blood samples. I know it’s hard but try to get some rest.’ If he could take her pain or fears away he would, when she’d gone through so much since marrying him. He couldn’t hold it against her that she’d kept the news from him when he’d been so vehemently against the idea of a family the last time they’d been together.
Now it was going to be an anxious wait for both of them to find out if this was still a viable pregnancy. The outcome of this day could very well change his life for ever, and while fatherhood mightn’t have been something he’d wanted or planned, this baby was a part of him and Freya. Fate had stepped in when he’d made a mess of their relationship and had made the decision for him to be a father. Now they were linked together for the rest of their lives.
He pictured the little bundle of their DNA, with Freya’s big brown eyes and warm smile, and he couldn’t help but love it already.
Freya wrapped her arms around her stomach, praying that willpower alone could somehow keep her baby safe in there as she was wheeled to the early pregnancy unit. Lucas must’ve had a hundred questions since she’d dropped the baby bombshell, including asking for confirmation that he was the father, but he’d been calm and supportive so far.
It could’ve been merely his excellent bedside manner keeping him here with her, but he’d been the one to pull a few strings and get her transferred to the unit for this ultrasound to put her mind at rest that the baby was okay. He’d barely let go of her hand since the cramps had taken hold and she didn’t want him to. Even though they’d split in less-than-ideal terms, there was no one else she wanted with her through this. She still loved him and despite all his protestations about becoming a father she had seen the worry on his face for their unborn child and wanted him to want this baby as much as she did.
Tears began to pour down her face at the familiar sight of the tinsel-lined corridors and thoughts of the last time she’d been wheeled through here on the way to discover the fate of her unborn child.
After the devastating discovery at the scan of her first miscarriage they’d told her what would happen to her body as nature took its course over the following weeks but no one had warned her how much she would mourn the child she had never got to meet. It had taken her a long time to stop hating those people who’d told her she was young and could always have another, as if any loved one was as easily replaced as an empty milk carton. Or to stop the overwhelming jealousy and sense of injustice every time someone else gave birth to a healthy baby when she hadn’t. She wouldn’t survive a loss a second time when becoming a mother was the one thing keeping her going since she and Lucas had parted ways.
The cramps and bleeding had stopped before she’d been moved from the emergency department but this interminable wait for the ultrasound was hell. So much worse than waiting for those lines to appear on the pregnancy test in the first place. She knew all too well what she was in for if the worst happened—sad faces, apologies and going home without her baby.
Lucas rested his hand on hers and gave her a gentle squeeze. ‘Try and relax. All the tests came back to say everything was fine.’
‘I know but I don’t want to go into that room with false hope, only to see that look on the sonographer’s face that says something’s wrong.’ Freya would never forget lying on that bed alone, a growing unease when the technician had left the room, and the devastation when she’d brought someone else back to break the bad news that there was no heartbeat. That there would be no baby.
‘Do you want me to come in with you?’ Lucas made the offer as she waited for her name to be called and she clung to it the same way she was trying to cling to her pregnancy.
‘Would you?’
‘Of course. This is my baby too. Right?’ There was still that air of hesitancy about his role, which could be attributed to the fact neither of them had acknowledged it thus far.
‘Right. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but I thought in the circumstances... Your postcard came a few weeks ago...’ Until now she’d thought the contents of his note had said everything he thought about the subject of fatherhood. Now, after spending the afternoon taking care of her and fretting with her, she wasn’t sure what to believe.
He frowned and she could see him trying to figure out what she was talking about. Then he formed an ‘O’ with his mouth and shook his head. ‘Sorry. I was trying to be honest with you but as usual I’ve only succeeded in making things worse.’
‘Did you mean it?’ She had a lot of explaining to do with regard to both pregnancies she’d kept secret from him, but she didn’t see the point of putting herself through that if this was all for show. He had to decide once and for all if he was in this with her or not.
‘I did. At the time.’ The matter no longer seemed so clear cut for Lucas any more.
‘And now?’
‘I don’t want to lose either of you.’ The sudden truth hit him as he rested his eyes on the wife he loved so very much and thought of the baby they’d already created. It had taken the shock of potentially having his family taken from him to realise it was what he wanted after all. He just prayed it wasn’t too late.
The arrival of the sonographer and the prep for the scan soon concentrated all their fears into one place. The room was silent as they waited for the all-clear and he swore they’d all stopped breathing in order to hear the heartbeat clearly and know beyond doubt the baby was still okay.
‘There we go. Normal embryo development for this stage and the lovely strong heartbeat I’m sure you were waiting to hear.’ The confirmation that she was still pregnant almost brought him to his knees with gratitude for the chance he’d been given to step up and be a father to this baby.
‘Thank you.’ His voice cracked with the swell of unexpected emotion at the
news.
Huge sobs racked Freya’s small frame as she shared his relief and he gathered her into his arms and hugged her close to his chest. As he held her tight and stroked her hair he desperately wanted to make things right. Even if she couldn’t bring herself to trust him again she needed someone at her side, supporting her through this pregnancy.
‘It’s been a long, stressful day for you, Freya. Go home and make sure you get plenty of rest.’ The sonographer dished out the same advice she’d been given in the emergency department. She needed to take it easy. It was still early days and they wouldn’t want to take any more chances of something going wrong with this pregnancy.
‘I’ll try,’ she promised as she detached herself from his arms, that stubborn streak already rebelling against the idea of help.
‘You’ll do more than try and I’m going to make sure of it.’ He frowned at her, unwilling to let her shut him out when she was going to need him most. That little heartbeat had overridden those fears about becoming a father to make him focus on what was important. The safety of his blossoming family.
‘Oh? And how are you going to do that?’
‘Easy. I’m moving back home until you’ve had this baby.’
CHAPTER EIGHT
FREYA TOOK ANOTHER deep breath in and counted to ten as they pulled up outside the house. She was trying to keep calm for the sake of the baby but Lucas wasn’t making it easy with this ridiculous plan. It was guilt talking, she knew that, and the only reason she’d let him take it this far was so she could get home quicker. She had to prioritise bed rest over personal feelings when getting into an argument now would only send her blood pressure sky-high.
There was nothing she wanted more than to have him back, raising this baby, with her but not through a sense of duty. If it had been anything more than that, he’d had plenty of opportunity to tell her.