by V. F. Mason
I knew he would be a great dad to his kid someday. How could he be anything else since he was perfect to me?
But my promise to myself was almost like a vow.
I wasn’t going to marry anyone, ever. I never wanted to be in the situation where my happiness relied on some man.
Never.
Annabella
The next morning sucked big time.
No one spoke to me much last night when we were in the car. Jer and Drake were giving me space, and they were on Ryan’s side of the story. After all, one was his brother and the other his friend.
Sam and Jane stayed quiet, but Ariel didn’t. The minute the car stopped and I was about to get out, she grabbed my hand and said, “Guys, could you give us a moment?” Everyone left the car and I was scared of her questions, of answers, of everything. It was too raw to speak about it.
“What the hell are you doing, Bella?” Her voice was angry and she looked at me as though I’d lost my mind.
“Stay out of it, Ariel.” I wasn’t in the mood for her bullshit.
“I won’t. I’m your friend. You pushed a perfectly great guy away and I want to know why.”
“Yes, a perfect guy who was a lie. It was Ryan all along.”
“So?”
“What do you mean so? He lied to me. How can you expect me to have a relationship with him?”
“So what that he lied. Does it change anything? He was there for you. He hired all those people. He came up with a plan to help you. I mean, the guy is crazy in love with you, always has been, but you just pushed him away for nothing. Why is it so bad that he’s Ryan? He’s not geeky anymore, if that was your concern.” For some reason, her comment made me angrier.
“It was never about his looks. I lost my virginity to him when he was a geek, as you call him.”
“Exactly. So what’s so bad about him being Ryan?”
“Because it is, okay! Just drop it, Ariel! I don’t want to fight with you over it too.” She gave me a hard stare and opened her mouth to say some more, but then probably thought better of it and said nothing. We got out of the car and I made it straight to the stairs, having no desire to speak with anyone, but her words stopped me in my place.
“I defend him because he is me and you are Diego. Destroying a beautiful thing because you’re scared.” With those parting words, she left me alone, and despite the pain present in her words, it didn’t change my feelings. I ran to my room, took a shower, and laid down to sleep, trying to ignore his smell on the sheets and everything else.
But I couldn’t.
The tears fell on my cheeks and it was impossible to stop them.
My stupid heart loved Ryan and he betrayed me. All my mind could think about was how my mother was a fool who my dad always lied to and she believed him.
I refused to be her in this relationship. Maybe that seemed stupid to someone else, but not to me.
I’d hurt him and it killed the part of me that loved him. I wanted to hug him and let him know I didn’t mean those cruel words back in the bar.
The other part of me, the scared part that tried to protect me, felt justified in what I was doing. But I did what I always did in situations like this.
I fed my fear.
I barely slept, but was able to fall asleep hugging his pillow tightly.
Here I was now, having breakfast before visiting Megan. It was a big surprise to me she decided to come back. As far as I knew, she never wanted to live here, but I owed her one.
I loved her like a sister and wasn’t there for her when she needed me. It was time to see her and apologize. Jeremy said he would take me, and we were about to leave in a few minutes.
I was so lost in my thoughts and looking out the window that I didn’t feel anyone’s presence until a warm, soft hand touched mine and I jumped in my seat. I was about to snap at the girl for sneaking up on me like that when I saw it was Marie who sat there. Her eyes were kind, but there was also worry.
“How are you holding up, honey?”
“I’m okay.” My cup was hot and my hands were wrapped around it, but there was still a chill inside me. I knew I should have kept my mouth shut, but when did I do what was right? “Did you know? About me and him.”
“Not at first, no. I knew there was a girl in my boy’s life who he’d loved and lost. He tried to forget you with other women. I guess it didn’t work,” she joked, and the pang of jealousy hit me after her words. I had no right, but the idea he was with other women when I—
When I what? Did the same? I didn’t sleep around as much as Ariel, but still there were men after him.
“But then I noticed how he looked at you and it all made sense. This whole thing, helping you and just everything. Now I do not support his lying, but people do stupid things when they think they have no other choice.”
At that moment, Jer called from the hallway. “Bella, come on, we need to go now!” I stood and so did Marie.
“I’ll see you tonight.” She patted my cheek.
“You do that.”
I was at the doorway when it hit me.
“Don’t you want to tell me I’m making a mistake in pushing him away, and I should forgive him?”
She took a sip from her coffee and shook her head. “No.”
“Why?” For some reason it was important for me to know that; she knew him better than anyone, yet she wasn’t defending him one bit.
“Because you know yourself better than anyone. No one can convince you differently, and I’m not going to take sides either.” Was this woman for real? I came up close to her and gave her a hug. She squeezed me back and, without another word, I went outside and sat in the car.
The city was quite different in the morning light as Jeremy drove. People were walking around laughing, kids played in yards, and there were some new places I didn’t notice before, like malls and playgrounds. It seemed like an okay town, not the image I had in my head all those years.
Of course, I saw it from the prism of a child who was hurt and no one gave a shit about, but that wasn’t true. There were Noah’s parents, Megan’s family, even Ryan’s mom was always there. Professors at school helped us out. Granted, it didn’t mean much when a father was using his fists, but it meant a lot in terms of surviving. I never bothered to come back here, but now, when I looked at it, I could understand why Megs would want to move here. She always preferred the quiet life and had plans with Nick to move to the suburbs at some point.
Jer was silent the whole way, probably understanding I wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk, and I was grateful for that.
We stopped in front of a medium-sized house. It had a beautiful lawn with green grass and roses that were about to bloom. It had a kids’ blue and green playground equipment.
That brought a smile to my face because leave it to her to have such a house; after all, it was her favorite color.
“I’ll pick you up later. Tell Megan to give me a call, okay?” Jer’s voice was soft, and for some reason, cautious.
“You’re not coming in with me?” I frowned because it was strange for him to leave me here alone. Wasn’t it like a no-no in my condition?
“I think you guys need to have this meeting without me.” He kissed me on the cheek and, with a shrug, I got out of the car and made my way across the lawn. At the stairs, I took a deep breath, knocked on the door, and waited.
Part of me was so afraid to face her because I felt guilty, but then I wanted to see her.
The door opened and Megan’s beautiful but tired face was in front of me. She still looked the same; actually, she had put on a bit of weight that filled out her curves more, but she was still beautiful. There was permanent sadness in her eyes, but then I had the same one in mine. We stood there for a moment before she moved forward, and the next thing I knew, we were standing on her porch hugging the living shit out of each other.
She felt so familiar and she was associated with Nick, so I couldn’t help it, I burst out crying. Patting me on the back, s
he tried to soothe me.
“It’s okay, baby girl. It’s okay.” Her voice was gentle, soft, and she called me what Nick always called me.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I should have been. I—” She squeezed me harder in her arms and that made me shut up.
“Bella, it’s okay. We all deal with our pain differently. It’s okay.” Was it that simple? I ignored her for almost a year, and here she was letting me know it was okay. It wasn’t, but I wouldn’t be able to convince her otherwise. It was slightly chilly outside as she leaned back and gave me a smile. There were tears in her eyes, but she didn’t let them fall. It made her green eyes brighter, and there was still love inside them.
“Let’s go inside and have some tea and talk.” I nodded as she took my hand and led me inside the house. I looked around. It was big enough for her, had a lot of brown furniture, a TV in the living room, and even a fireplace. The room and interior design generally was bright and it was very sunny inside. The smell of cinnamon, tea, and jasmine was all around me, reminding me of their place in Brooklyn; it had a similar feel to it. I followed her into the kitchen and noticed she had some kind of device with her that looked like a walkie-talkie, but it probably wasn’t. I didn’t feel like asking. Maybe she needed to have it in her house as some sort of security or something.
She gestured for me to sit at the round table in the middle of the kitchen with a yellow tablecloth, where the cinnamon rolls—my favorite, might I add—were, and she brought two mugs with her, serving me freshly made tea.
I didn’t eat during breakfast, my stomach was in knots, but I discovered I was hungry and my stomach made a less than flattering noise.
She laughed as she pushed the plate closer to me. “Eat, you are too skinny anyway.” I rolled my eyes.
“You always say that. I’m not skinny anymore. Everyone tries to feed me these days.” I picked up the roll and took a bite, enjoying the sweet and sour flavor.
“With your metabolism, hardly anything stays.” Well, that was true. “So how is everything going?” It was such a simple question that had so much meaning, and I didn’t know where to start with my answer.
“It’s good. I mean, I’ve been in treatment, therapy, and completely out of my lifestyle. I finally admitted Nick is gone.” Pain flashed in her eyes, but then it was gone, and I didn’t feel like dwelling on it. We all needed to move on. “Now everyone is back and we have a tour coming up, and I feel good. Everything is perfect.” I tried to smile but probably failed miserably as my voice hitched at my last words. She studied me for a minute and then gently took my hand in hers.
“How is Ryan?”
“Good. I think. He left.” She furrowed her brows. “I had no idea it was him. I thought he was someone else.”
“I see.”
“I mean, he was there, and I thought he was just Jer’s friend who decided to help me, and then we started to form this connection and I fell in love. I mean, sex was something else. I trusted him, and I’ve never felt anything like that before. Not even when we had sex all those years ago.” She said nothing, but then she already knew he was my first, so it wasn’t such a big revelation. “I thought I was moving in the right direction, you know? Then yesterday I found out the truth, and kind of told him everything is over between us. He left. That’s it.”
“You didn’t do anything to stop him?” She sounded a little bit surprised.
“Why would I? We are done. There is no coming back from that. He lied to me and it was a huge lie. I can’t stand those lies. I feel betrayed. And it wasn’t like he was in the mood to talk anyway. He just told me to see you and that’s it.” Everything I said was a big fat lie. I tried to convince myself we were over, but my heart told me otherwise.
If only I could trust my heart.
“That was it? He didn’t tell you more?” For some reason, she tensed and looked worried as she bit her lip.
“Yes, I mean it was shocking enough that you moved here. Don’t get me wrong, you have a nice place here, but what made you move?” Before she could reply, a crying noise came from the walkie-talkie thing and she quickly got up and ran upstairs. All I did was blink, but then heard her voice through the machine.
“Shhh, honey. It’s okay. I’m here.” I stilled and tried to breathe, because it just couldn’t be what I thought it was.
I rose and made my way upstairs, following the noise, and ended up in a blue room filled with toys and teddy bears all over the place. There was a baby bathtub and a crib with curtains. There was also a rocking chair and fluffy pillows on the floor.
All in all, it was picture-perfect, as if it was from some magazine with an ad for kid’s room interior design.
In the middle of it stood Megan with a baby in her hands, which stopped crying and now was looking around with his small but beautiful eyes.
Violet eyes and black hair.
I couldn’t keep my eyes away from the baby. He—and I guessed it was a he—was so beautiful and small, probably only around two or three months old.
“He is perfect,” I whispered, and Megan, who watched me closely, smiled as tears rolled down her cheeks.
“He is, isn’t he?” She sniffed and then came closer to me. I could smell baby powder as I admired his soft features and how his tiny hands tried to grab something. Without another thought, I pushed my finger into his hand and it wrapped around it in a tight fist. His hand was so soft, probably as soft as the rest of him. I tried to catch my breath, but he was so beautiful.
“How is this possible?” There was no question he was my brother’s son and there was part of him alive in this world. “I mean, I know how babies are made, but . . . you were pregnant when he . . . died?” I finally said through the lump in my throat.
“Yes, I was two months pregnant and, well, here he is.”
“Did he know about it? That he would be a dad?” A soft smile touched her lips and her eyes became glossy.
“I told him the day before. He wanted to tell you after the concert.” That would explain why he was so eager to see me and called me several times. Then I noticed something else; the ring on her ring finger. It was beautiful and exactly the same as the one Nick had for her.
“He proposed?”
She looked up at me and caught her breath. “No, I found it in the drawer with a written speech. Can you imagine?” We both chuckled because it was something he would have done. “I would have said yes, so I decided to wear it. It’s perfect,” she whispered, and I squeezed her hand with my free one.
“Yeah,” my fingers softly caressed his cheek. “What’s his name?”
“Mathew Hastings.”
“Nick’s middle name?”
“I think it suits him, don’t you?”
“Yeah.” There wasn’t much else to say. We both kept watching him while she continued.
“I moved here because it’s home and my family is here. They help me out, and I always preferred the quiet life.”
Yeah, she probably had all of them while I was busy getting high and then trying to free myself from this addiction. She must have read my mind because she just shook her head.
“We were both hurt. I just had a reason to live. I really don’t know how I would have handled it if it wasn’t for my baby boy.” She leaned down, giving the baby a gentle kiss on his forehead, and ran her hand over his head. “He was more important than my grieving. My second biggest love in the world.”
Nick was her first, and she had his baby. She had a part of him, and now I would have a part of him with me, too.
Life sometimes could give you the most unexpected gifts.
“Was he happy?” Nick wanted kids, but it was hard to guess his reaction.
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
As we stood there in the quiet of the house and with an almost sleeping baby, I thought this was living proof that life moved on, it never stopped at one place.
There was pain, and love, and millions of different emotions, but that was t
he definition of life.
And I couldn’t hide or run from it anymore.
I pushed away the man I love because I wanted to protect myself. I did it twice.
I needed to get him back.
I just prayed like hell he would want me after the rejection and pain I’d brought to him. “I have to do something.” Megan chuckled and took her home phone from the bedside table, handing it to me.
“Get your guy back, baby girl. I always liked him, by the way.”
Ryan
New York was beautiful and mesmerizing at night. All the lights, the people, and the skyscrapers. There was no other city like it in the world, and the view was especially amazing from my penthouse.
After three glasses of whiskey, it looked even better. I wondered for the hundredth time why in the hell I wanted to have a ranch back home. Why was it important to me?
A ranch where the love of my life was staying right now and wanted nothing to do with me.
It had been three days since I left the ranch and came here on my private plane. Three long days filled with headaches, longing, and anger. Only work distracted me, and I made sure to lose myself in it.
However, there was no distraction at home except for whiskey, but I gladly took the oblivion it provided.
I wondered how she was doing and how she was feeling. I didn’t want her to be distressed before her big tour.
How did she feel about Mathew?
I clenched my hand in a tight fist and put it above my head as I leaned on the window.
During these three days, I considered many times to fuck it all and go after her, to make her see we were made for each other.
That the spark and everything else was there.
But then I couldn’t do it because her words haunted me.