Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine: America's Funniest Jokes, Stories, and Cartoons
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— JEREMY K., FROM THE CLASSIFIED GUYS
O
ur coworker Patrick shared his worst workday ever. He was at an appliance store and the delivery truck had broken down, which meant he was flooded with angry phone calls from customers. One irate caller canceled the delivery and told Patrick what he could do with it.
“I’m sorry,” said Patrick. “That’s impossible. I already have a stove, a vacuum cleaner, and a microwave up there.”
— JANE BENOIST
M
y husband uses scraps of wood, called “shorts,” for carving. In a lumber store, he saw some lovely pieces in a bin behind the counter. But he had a lot of explaining to do after he asked the clerk, “Do you mind if I come around and poke through your shorts?”
— CATHY GROVES
P
ractically bounding into the advertising department of his newspaper, my husband announced the great news: “We’ve reached our ad sales target! I just sold the last spot.”
“July?” another rep asked excitedly.
“No,” my husband gloated. “I didn’t have to.”
— CELIA NOTLEY
I
learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought a trailer, an old boat, and a motor from me. “Thanks,” he said as he loaded them up. “I’m planning to resell them.” Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them for months. But when I ran into him weeks later, he’d sold everything.
“How did you do that?” I marveled.
“I took out an ad: ‘Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.’ When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage. Bought that too.”
— PAT MCCLAIN
W
orking on a computer all day has definitely messed with my girlfriend’s view of reality. We had just placed our lunch order, and as our waitress walked away, she slipped on a wet spot on the floor.
“How about that?” Amy observed dryly. “Our server is down.”
— JOSEPH LASSEGARD
A
restaurant posts a sign that says, “$500 if we fail to fill your order.” A customer decides to put it to the test by ordering “elephant ears on rye.” The waitress writes down his order and walks to the kitchen. Seconds later, the chef storms out of the kitchen, goes to the customer’s table, and slams down five hundred-dollar bills.
“You got me,” he tells the customer. “But I want you to know that this is the first time in 10 years we’ve been out of rye bread.”
— BOB BRITTAIN
A
couple’s meal had just arrived in a cast-iron pot when the top lifted. Spotting two beady little eyes, the woman gasped and the lid slammed down.
“Did you see that?” she asked her husband.
“See what?”
Just then, the top rose, again revealing two eyes. “Waiter!” the man called. “There’s something strange in that pot.”
“What did you order?”
“The chicken surprise,” the man said.
“Oh, I apologize, sir,” the waiter replied. “This is the peeking duck.”
— MIKE PILOTTI
A
shopper at my in-laws’ clothing store couldn’t understand why she had to pay so much for her purchase. “I got this from the ‘15% to 35% Off’ rack,” she complained. “And I pick 35%.”
— KATY GIBBS
S
potting one of his customers wandering the aisles of his specialty food shop, my boss approached.
“We’re having a sale on tongue,” he said. “Would you like some?”
“Eeww!” shuddered the woman. “I would never eat anything from an animal’s mouth!”
“In that case,” my boss said, “how about a dozen eggs?”
— TERRY STROBAUGH
S
liding the loan agreement across the desk for my psychologist husband to review, the bank officer apologized, “I ran out of room here.” She pointed to the space for “occupation.”
It read, “Licensed psycho.”
— MARION WHITLEY
O
ur salesman at the electronics store was pitching a high-definition television. A fellow shopper, overhearing the spiel, mentioned that he’d upgraded his regular TV to high-def.
“How’d you do that?” my husband asked.
“I dusted the screen.”
— JENNIFER NEELY
I
was in a crowded pub one night when a large man sat down next to me and began pounding on the bar. The waitress was juggling three mugs of beer in each hand and said she’d be right back. But that wasn’t soon enough for him, and he again pounded away. Going to the cash register, the waitress wrote the number “567” on a piece of paper and laid it in front of the man.
“You’ll have to wait until your number is called,” she said. Then, turning to the other patrons, she called out, “Who has number one?”
— BECQUET.COM
S
ince my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.
“Do you have six cents?” she asked.
“Sorry,” I said after fishing around in my pockets, “I have no cents.”
“Finally,” she muttered, “a man who can admit it.”
— KELLY SMITH
A
t the salon, I overheard the receptionist admit to another customer, “I haven’t taken my vitamins today. I’m walking around unprotected.”
The customer commiserated with her. “I haven’t taken my Prozac today—everyone’s walking around unprotected.”
— DEBRA HAIR
D
ays after buying a thriving rosebush, I returned it to the store. “Is something the matter?” the clerk asked. I handed her a brown mass of sticks and said, “It’s dead.”
She examined the former flora thoroughly, then smiled pleasantly before asking, “And is there anything else wrong with it?”
— ELIZABETH TORHAN
R
eturning home from dinner out one night, I started feeling sick. Suspecting food poisoning, I called the restaurant’s manager.
“I cannot believe that happened,” the woman said. She sounded genuinely shocked. “What did you order?”
“I had the stuffing.”
“That’s weird,” she observed. “Usually it’s the meat loaf.”
— JANCY QUINN
The halls of the shopping mall that I manage were cluttered with boxes. So I had the maintenance staff check the labels and place the packages in front of the stores they belonged to. The next day I got a call from the manager of a furniture store wondering why there were so many boxes piled up outside his door.
“What’s the name of your store?” I asked him.
“This End Up.”
— MIKE DEMARCO
Law and Order
W
ith a young child on the stand, the district attorney knew he needed to start with some simple questions.
“If I were to tell you that this pen was red, would that be the truth or a lie?” he asked.
“The truth,” said the child.
“Very good!” said the D.A. “And if I were to say that dogs could talk, would that be the truth or a lie?”
“The truth,” said the child again.
“Really?” asked the D.A. “Dogs can talk? What do they say?”
“I don’t know,” the child answered. “I don’t talk dog.”
— LOS ANGELES COUNTY SUPERIOR COURT COMMISSIONER MICHAEL A. COWELL IN LOS ANGELES DAILY JOURNAL
B
eing a bailiff, I’ve heard it all. One woman asked to get off jury duty, insisting that side effects from her medication could interfere with her ability to concentrate.
“What are you taking?” the judge asked her.
“A fertility drug,” she answered. “I’m trying to get pregnant.”
“And what are the side effects?”
“It gives me a headache,”
she said.
— BECQUET.COM
T
he guest speaker at our training sessions for correctional officers was a leading psychologist. We appreciated the fact that he was able to answer in plain English a question many of us had: What is the difference between someone who is delusional and someone who is schizophrenic?
“Delusional people build castles in the air,” he explained. “Schizophrenics move in and live there.”
— REBECCA LEWIS
A
s I pulled into a crowded parking lot, I asked the cop standing there, “Is it all right to park here?”
“No,” he said. “Can’t you see that No Parking sign?”
“What about all those other cars in there?”
He shrugged. “They didn’t ask.”
— ARTHUR CLUM
T
wo requirements for a security position advertised online raise the question: Why the latter if you have the former? “Must be able to carry a weapon and have excellent customer- service skills.”
— KRISTIN PAWLIK
W
hen I taught in a prison, one of my students kept missing classes. First it was because he had a tooth pulled; then his tonsils were removed. Finally, he chopped off the tip of his finger in workshop. All of this led one guard to comment, “We better keep an eye on this guy. He seems to be trying to escape one piece at a time.”
— LUCY GRACE
W
hen a car blew past a stop sign at a busy intersection, my uncle, a Mississippi state trooper, gave chase and pulled the driver over.
“Didn’t you see that Stop sign back there?” my uncle asked.
“Yeah, I saw it,” admitted the driver. “The problem is, I didn’t see you.”
— MICHAEL HAMILTON
“D
oes anyone in this room need to be dismissed from jury duty?” my father, a judge, asked a roomful of prospective jurors.
A nervous young man stood up. “I’d like to be dismissed,” he said.
“And why is that?”
“My wife is about to conceive.”
Slightly taken aback, Dad responded, “I believe, sir, you mean ‘deliver.’ But either way, I agree. You should be there.”
— BETH DUNCAN
I
teach inmates at a correctional facility. Recently I was asking another staffer who teaches anger management about some of the books on his shelf, which covered topics such as stress and aggression. “Those,” he answered, “are the tools of my tirade.”
— CHRIS WITTEK
T
he stressed-out store clerk quits and becomes a cop.
“How’s the new gig?” his friend asks.
“The pay is bad and the hours are awful, but I love that the customer is always wrong.”
— ROBERT FLEMING
“H
urry up!” I yelled to my niece. We were running late for the movies, and she hadn’t even gotten in the car.
“It’s better to get there late than not at all,” she chimed.
“That’s great advice. Did your mother teach you that?”
“No,” she said. “That’s what the cop told Mommy last week when he pulled us over.”
— PATRICIA STILES
M
y brother was alarmingly at ease speeding through a red light. I, on the other hand…
“What if traffic cameras are watching?” I shrieked.
“Stop worrying. Besides, it doesn’t matter even if they are,” he assured me. “I don’t have license plates yet.”
— ANDREW BENSON
What do you call twin policemen?
Copies.
— TYLER MEASOM
M
y mom drove cross-country to visit me in college. Heading south from Tucson, we were on our way to spend the day in Mexico when a state trooper pulled us over. “What seems to be the problem?” Mom asked.
“Drug smugglers use this road a lot,” he explained, “and a suspicious-acting Buick with Pennsylvania plates has been spotted going up and down it.”
“I just got in yesterday,” Mom said. “And I’m hardly a smuggler. Just a teacher on sabbatical.”
The patrolman eyed her suspiciously. “Do you have a prescription for that?”
— JOSEPH BLUMBERG
S
hortly after the sheriff announced he would not seek reelection, the prisoners in the jail began razzing my husband, Joe, a deputy sheriff.
“You oughta run,” said one prisoner, as he was led back to his cell. “I’d vote for you.”
“Maybe,” said Joe, as he slammed the cell door shut. “After all, it looks like I’ve got the inmate vote all locked up.”
— CAROL WARD
A
rrested on a robbery charge, our law firm’s client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.
“He’s lying!” he yelled. “There were only three of us.”
— KATHRYN ENSLOW
M
y brother was having dinner with his girlfriend, Colleen, and her family, when her brother, an RCMP officer, stretched across the table for the butter dish. Colleen’s mother admonished, “Watch that boardinghouse reach!”
“That’s not a boardinghouse reach,” he corrected. “It’s the long arm of the law.”
— KATHLEEN SUTCLIFFE
A
t the end of the day, I parked my police van in front of the station house. My K-9 partner, Jake, was in the back barking, which caught the attention of a boy who was passing by.
“Is that a dog you have back there?” he asked.
“It sure is,” I said.
“What did he do?”
— CLINT FORWARD
Lots of people get hurt in Napa Valley, and after reading a recruiting ad for hotline volunteers in The Register, I think I know why. It said:
“Over 300 people in Napa Valley are assaulted each year. Volunteer to help.”
— MIKE REEVES
J
ust out of law school and dressed in a conservative white shirt, gray pants and tie, I was rushing off to court when I was stopped by an elderly woman.
“Are you one of those Latter-day Saints boys on a mission?” she asked politely.
“No, ma’am,” I said. “I’m an attorney.”
“Oh,” she said. “You’re playing for the other team.”
— KEITH POGUE
C
aught up running errands, my mom’s friend forgot where she’d parked. A police officer, noticing her agitation, asked, “Is something wrong?”
“I can’t find my car,” she explained.
“What kind is it?”
She gave him a quizzical look. “Name some.”
— LILA DRYER
A
cop was rushed into the OR for an emergency appendectomy. The surgery went well, but afterward he felt a weird pulling sensation on his chest. Worried that something else might be wrong, he lifted his hospital gown to take a look.
Attached firmly to his chest hairs was a wide strip of tape. “Get well soon” was written on it, and it was signed, “The nurse you gave a ticket to this morning.”
— JACKSON HALL
W
hen the driver in front of my police cruiser began weaving in and out of his lane, I quickly hit the sirens and pulled him over. As I approached his window, I was hit with the stench of alcohol.
“Sir,” I said, “can you tell me when you started drinking and how much you’ve had?”
“Well, Officer, I can’t tell you how much I’ve had,” he slurred. “But I started drinking in 1967.”
— ROBERT W. MILLER
F
rom the Westfield (Massachusetts) Evening News police log: “A caller reports that her neighbors are having another argument. The responding officer reports the resident was alone and not intoxicated but was having a disagreement with his Christmas tree, wh
ich was giving him trouble as he was taking it down.”
— DOROTHY CUSSON
O
ur barbershop quartet—an all-girl group—was invited to perform at the Utah State Prison. We never had a better audience. The inmates called for encore after encore.
Finally our director announced, “This next number is a little long. How much time do you have?”
Someone shouted, “Five to ten years.”
— LENORE SPENCER
An inmate at our prison asked to go to the infirmary.
“It’s acne,” he said.
“I get it whenever I come to jail.”
“Let me get this straight,” I said.
“Every time you come to jail, you break out?”
— KENNETH SHAFFER
A
fellow cop from our precinct had only a few months left on the job, and he could always be heard ticking off the weeks, days, hours, and minutes. Our chief was not amused.
“I’ve been on the job for 43 years, and I’ve never counted off the days until I’m outta here,” he said.
I couldn’t help agreeing with him. “That’s because everyone else is counting for you.”
— JESSE THATCHER
M
y father-in-law, a retired detective, told me about the time he arrested a mobster who ran a gambling ring. Once in custody, the guy began spilling names.
“I’m surprised how easily these tough guys break down,” I said.
Bill shrugged. “Sometimes that’s just the way the bookie crumbles.”
— JOHN MASTERSON
A
Jacksonville, Florida, man was so upset when a sandwich shop left the special sauce off his hero that he called 911…twice. The first time was to ask if officers could make sure his sandwich was made properly. The second time, to complain that the cops weren’t responding fast enough to the first call.