Vampire Man

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  “So you’ve never been with a woman?” she asks.

  “I have been with plenty, but they were all vampires.”

  “So you haven’t…I mean…you haven’t done it in that body?”

  I shake my head. “No. Why? What am I missing out on? Don’t all the parts fit together in the same way?”

  “I guess so.” She shrugs.

  “Then?” She has piqued my curiosity with her inquiry.

  “I imagine it would be, I don’t know, nicer?”

  “I have had plenty of nice sex.” Mr. Nice here.

  “No, I meant—vampires aren’t exactly the warmest and friendliest of creatures.”

  “That is where you would be mistaken,” I say, throwing back my head to let the jets work on my back muscles. “To a vampire male, there is nothing more sacred and alluring than his woman. He would take great care to please her in the most passionate of ways in the bedroom. Long massages, hours of oral pleasure, perhaps a finger in her bu—”

  “Got it, thank you.” Brandi looks away.

  “There. You see. That is exactly why I have never been with a human woman. They are too shy. I like a woman who is unafraid to ask for what she wants. She must be completely open to all forms of pleasure and bodily exploration—nipples licked and teased and—”

  “I get the idea. Thank you…”

  I laugh. “My, my. Are you blushing, Brandi?” Even with the faint light coming from the pool, I can see her face is flushed.

  “It’s just the heat.”

  “Nope. I do believe your cheeks are flushed. Tell me, was it the word nipple?” I tease. “How about when I say cock?”

  “Stop it, okay?”

  “Are you shy, my little Brandi?” I chuckle. It is quite charming. Vampire women are never shy.

  “So what? It’s not a sin to be shy. And before you ask, I’ve actually never been with anyone. I’m saving myself for marriage. Also not a sin.”

  What is with all the virgins today? Is there an epidemic I am unaware of? “You’ve never known the pleasure of a man? Aren’t you a little old to still be waiting?” I ask, but then wish to recant. I just met a five-hundred-year-old virgin. That’s old!

  “I’m only twenty-four.”

  I stare, brows raised.

  “Fine,” she grumbles. “By today’s standards, it’s uncommon to wait, but my parents are pretty traditional, and I guess I hate the thought of disappointing them.”

  “It is none of my business, but you are a grown woman. Your sex life is your business. They should not be involved.”

  She floats her small hands on the surface of the water, staring at the bubbles. “My parents aren’t involved. They just have expectations. They work hard and want my sister and me to live honest, wholesome, purposeful lives. It’s why I’m getting my graduate degree in English, to be a teacher.”

  “You do not wish to teach?”

  “No. I mean, yes. I want them to be proud.”

  Brandi would never make it as a vampire. Selfishness is the name of the game. “That is not the same as you wanting it, and though this will sound odd coming from a three-hundred-year-old ex-vampire, life is short. You must seize the day. What is it you wish to do with your life?”

  “I don’t know.” She groans and scrubs her face with her wet hands.

  “You must have some passions or interests?” Knitting, cooking, cleaning? You know, women’s work.

  “I guess…I always pictured being what they wanted me to be. I love them, and to me that always meant making them happy.”

  This is the exact opposite of my philosophy in life. Serve thyself first. Because no one else really gives a crap about you.

  Nevertheless, I find her desire to make her family proud to be amiable. “Well, I am certain they would love that you’re staying with me, then.” I pretend to polish my nails on my chest.

  Brandi chuckles. “They’d send me to an exorcist.”

  “I hope not. Demons love exorcists, and I doubt you’d find the evil bastards good company.” Frankly, I never understood why humans send possessed individuals to the very people who are surrounded by demons.

  “Demons are real?” Her eyes go wide.

  “Do not worry, unless you’re hanging out with priests, you are safe.”

  “I’m hanging out with an ex-vampire. Where does that land on the scale of safe?” she asks.

  “You cannot get any safer. I do not drink blood, and I know all of the vampires’ tricks. I invented them.” I also know the ins and outs of vampire politics. I was a territory leader for many years. One could say I am the only vampire alive who truly understands both vampire worlds—the seedy side and the goody-goody side.

  Brandi smiles, but it is more of a glow that lights up her entire face. That image of her in my bedroom flashes in my head again, and I find myself stirring beneath the bubbles.

  Suddenly, there is a tightness in my chest, followed by shooting pain.

  “Racker? Racker! Are you okay?” Brandi pushes up out of the water and grabs hold of my shoulders.

  “My chest. It hurts.” I groan, pressing my fist over my heart.

  “Christ, I think you’re having a heart attack.”

  She hops from the water and pulls me out. If I weren’t in so much pain, I would be commenting on her shocking strength. She rolls me onto the patio. “Don’t move. I’m going to call an ambulance.”

  “No…” I groan. “No ambulance.”

  “You need medical attention.”

  “Can’t. Afford. To lose. Time,” I mumble.

  Brandi is smart. She must understand why. They would start running tests and see something is very different about me. Aside from my impressive manhood and incredible body, I mean. “Then what do I do?”

  My chest gets tighter. “Can’t breathe…”

  “Oh God. No, no, no. Don’t die.” She leans over me and starts mouth-to-mouth.

  I’m only vaguely aware of her warm, wet, bare breasts pressed to my chest, but it’s enough to know her skin feels good on mine. So soft. And her lips are silky and smooth. Gentle yet firm.

  Bad, very bad. The blood in my body starts flowing the wrong way. “Worse. Making it worse.”

  “What?” She kneels beside me. “What are you saying?”

  “More…”

  “I thought you said stop.” She leans over me again and presses her mouth to mine. Her naked breasts return to my chest, and I start to wonder what she might feel like if she were beneath me, breathing heavily in my ear, panting my name.

  The pain begins to subside, replaced by something else. A deep, carnal warmth in my groin.

  “Enough.” I place my hand on her shoulder. I feel light-headed and, frankly, confused. “It has passed.”

  “So fast? Are you sure?” She pushes her damp hair off her forehead.

  I sit up and note a burning sensation in my throat, followed by a burp. “I think it was my meal.”

  “What the hell did you eat?” She starts rubbing her lips like they’re on fire.

  “An obscene amount of very hot chili peppers.” My eyes drift from her eyes down to her body. With the gentle light of the nearby pool, I note her supple round breasts, the narrow waist, and a patch of dark hair between her legs. She is very beautiful. Curves and smooth skin. She has the type of body artists would have killed to paint back in my human days. First human days. Even now, such a classic female form evokes thoughts of lust and urges of procreation. Her wide hips are a calling card for all things carnal.

  Brandi realizes I am studying her female form. “Stop. Look away.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I asked you to.”

  “Fine. But you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are lovely.” I turn my head, and she goes to grab her towel on the lounge chair.

  I take a quick look at her tan round ass as she covers up.

  “Not bad. For a human,” I say under my breath.

  “I’m going inside.” She heads for the house, and I cannot help
watching her leave. I like the way she walks—the sway in her hips, the sure stride, the feminine form of her body.

  “Not bad yourself,” she mutters as she disappears.

  I smile. It is a shame that she is not a vampire. Otherwise, she would make a very nice companion. As is though, with my current rate of aging, I will be in my fifties within six months. Six months after that, I will be pushing ninety. This story ends one of two ways. Vampire or dead. And Brandi does not factor into either equation, even if I feel a sense of…of something toward her.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  The next morning, from the antique oak breakfast table, Brandi informs me that her parents are on their way from Missouri to retrieve her. They will arrive in less than two days’ time.

  I hate to admit it, but I will miss her and that sassy little mouth. I am beginning to think of her as a true friend. Everyone else knew me as Narcissismo’s slave, Mr. Nice, or more recently, a very evil, but adorable infant. My parents knew me as Steviuus, the dutiful brave son, but that was so long ago. I recall very little of that person. For better or worse, Brandi knows the real me. It is almost liberating not to have to constantly pretend to be someone else around her. Her cooking isn’t half bad either.

  “I think you have outdone yourself, woman. These blueberry pancakes are amazing. A man could get used to eating like this.”

  “Thanks.” She stares down at her plate and picks away at her fruit. I notice she did the same yesterday too—cooks up a storm but barely eats. The Julia situation must weigh heavily on her mind.

  “You know, I was thinking, if I am successful with Liza, that only solves one of our problems.”

  “Oh?” She doesn’t seem to be paying attention.

  “You have always dreamed of being a leprechaun, and I can make that happen. Pot of gold, green suit, and everything.”

  “Cool.” She pokes a blueberry, then stares out the window at the backyard. It is another miserably sunny day, complete with chirping birds and an endless blue sky. Blech!

  “All right. What’s troubling you now?” I ask.

  “Sorry?” She looks across the table at me with her tired eyes.

  “What is the matter?”

  “I didn’t sleep much last night. Or the night before.”

  Ah yes. “That is what I was attempting to get at.”

  “What?”

  “Your situation. After I am turned, I can take care of Julia for you. I will ensure you live in peace.”

  Brandi stares across the breakfast table. “That’s really nice of you.”

  Actually, it’s the opposite of Nice. He would not have lifted a finger for you. “It is the least I can do after you saved me. A very risky but brave move.”

  Brandi’s chest rises high and falls fast with a heave.

  “Are you not relieved?” I ask.

  “I am.”

  But she still looks troubled—scrunched brows, the corners of her pouty lips turned down.

  “Say it. What else is bothering you?”

  “Everything, actually. I’m angry Julia took me. I’m angry you had to give up so much to save me. I’m furious that a vampire threatened my family, and now I’m being hunted.” She lets out a long groan. “I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

  “I already told you, I will take care of Julia.”

  “Let’s get real, hero man. That’s only if you manage to get turned, and even then, how are you going to find her before she finds me?”

  I see her point.

  Brandi continues, “I just don’t know what I’ll tell my family about all this. ‘Hey, guys! I was kidnapped by a vampire, and now she’s coming for us!’”

  “Then lie.”

  “I wasn’t raised like that.”

  Just like she was raised to save herself for marriage and follow a career simply to appease her parents? “I never pictured you as a poster child for obedience and piety.”

  “I have no idea what you’re saying right now,” she replies.

  “It’s simple. You think lying is wrong, sex is wrong, and putting your needs first is wrong. I would argue that the universe gave you free will for a reason. Sometimes we must lie to protect others and ourselves. Sometimes we have sex because we need to connect with another or we’ll go mad. Sometimes we follow a path in life, even if it upsets others, because it is our destiny.”

  “Are you saying I’m a coward?” Her lips mash into an angry flat line.

  “No. From the moment I met you, I saw you for who you really are. A fighter. I think that is how you convinced me to do what I did. I, too, am a fighter.” The tattoo on my arm is proof. I have only met thirteen individuals in my existence with such a mark. They are all dead with the exception of Brandi and myself. Human slaves are usually disposed of once they are no longer useful to their vampire master. “But to answer your question, I know you are lying about the real reason you wished to stay a bit longer, and I am trying to tell you not to be ashamed for acting in your own self-interest.”

  “What reason do you think that is?”

  “With me, you feel free.” I only realized it now because I feel the same way with her.

  She stands from the table. “That isn’t why I wanted to stay, you…you…dumbass.”

  I set down my fork and fold my arms over my chest. “Very well then. Enlighten me.”

  She blinks her expressive brown eyes. “Well-well, it’s my fault your plans were messed up. Didn’t feel right to bail on you like that.”

  “So,” I say, my voice condescending, “you are here because you are worried about my immortal quest. So then why are you leaving now? My quest isn’t over.”

  “Because I don’t want to watch you play Liza. It’s wrong.”

  I shrug. “One must do what’s necessary to survive.”

  “No!” Brandi’s little nostrils flare, and her cheeks turn red. “One must do what’s right.”

  I stand from the breakfast table. “And according to you, what is that? Die before I’m ready? Grow old in this big house alone?”

  “I don’t have the answers, but I know you can’t lie and hijack someone else’s life, their happiness, for your own. You get to live the life that’s given to you.” She sighs. “That’s it. You take the punches with the wins.”

  She stares at my lips, and I find myself staring at hers.

  “And what sort of wins are you looking for?” I ask.

  She says nothing. I’m suddenly thinking about grabbing her and “winning” with her on the table. I’m thinking about putting my mouth on her neck and kissing my way south. I love pushing boundaries, and with her, everything is a boundary.

  Before I can process what’s happening, I’m stepping around the table, about to go for it.

  Wait. What am I doing? She is a virgin, and I am not about to change that. Not that there’s anything wrong with taking what I want, as a vampire should, but it simply wouldn’t feel right.

  I must focus my energies on Liza, not on a dead-end relationship. Dead being what will happen to me if I fail at convincing Liza to turn me.

  “I, uh…must prepare for my workout. Thank you for breakfast.” I turn and leave the kitchen, my body aflame with adrenaline. I need to relieve myself of these urges before I do something foolish.

  I grab my bottle of lotion and head to my bathroom for a different sort of workout.

  I avoid Brandi for the remainder of the day, and I know what you all must be thinking: I am growing a little crush on her.

  But you would be very mistaken.

  Mr. Nice may have been a persona, but I am who I am. A vampire. We are not known for our soft hearts. We play hardball. We play dirty. And I have no interest in giving up my survival for a few months with a human woman. That isn’t to say I do not find Brandi attractive, but I can say the same for Liza. I can say the same of a lot of women. Women are beautiful.

  I dress in my favorite leather pants, a dark blue button-down shirt, and boots. I am to meet Liza downtown, where we will “hang out.
” A restaurant, I suppose, because she said food was involved. I do not care where we go as long as I am able to begin pushing the idea that her best option is to stay a vampire and turn me.

  She is looking for Mr. Right. And here I come.

  I park near the address, a large gray building in a run-down neighborhood. I wonder if this restaurant is one of these pop-ups I have heard so much about.

  I check my hair one last time and snarl. Another gray hair? A reminder that the clock is ticking for my body.

  I exit the car and walk inside the place. The smell of chicken and bread fill my nose. People are lined up, receiving plates of food. A soup kitchen?

  I spot Liza coming from the kitchen, holding a big metal pot, which she sets on the table next to the servers. Her blue eyes zero right in on me.

  Ah, she caught my scent. Tonight I am wearing a vampire favorite, Dragon’s Blood cologne. The earthy cedar undertones remind the older vampires of the “good old days” when they slept in coffins or deep inside dark caves—all before the Great War, about four hundred years ago. The war pitted the old world versus those who wanted vampires to live in a more “civilized manner,” side by side with humans. The latter won, of course, and since then the open hunting of humans has become illegal. Vampires still do it, but the world of law and order left the older generation feeling nostalgic for a time when vampires ruled unapologetically.

  As for me, I am a creature of comforts. I do not care which side rules as long as I am left to my vices.

  All right. Fine. I do enjoy modern conveniences. Air conditioning, automobiles, and credit cards are wonderful. Being hot, traveling by mule, and lugging around bags of coins is downright dismal. For a bibliophile such as myself, this whole ebook movement is phenomenal, too. At this very moment, I have millions of books in my pocket. I don’t have time to read them, but they are there.

  “Racker! Come on over.” Liza waves at me. She is wearing baggy overalls and has her hair in two braids. She looks positively gorgeous.

  I smile and go around the long line of humans. “Good evening.”