Pounded By The Pound: Turned Gay By The Socioeconomic Implications Of Britain Leaving The European Union

by Chuck Tingle

  POUNDED BY THE POUND

  Turned Gay By The Socioeconomic Implications Of Britain Leaving The European Union

  By Chuck Tingle

  I open my eyes slowly, trying my best to regain my bearings. I’m in my bedroom, dull sunlight streaming through the cracks of the nearby blinds and flickering across my face. Everything around me is easily recognizable, yet for some reason it all seems very different this morning.

  I take account of my surroundings and myself. My name is Alex Liverbort and I’m twenty-five years old, I’m in my rented flat in the heart of London and I have a splitting headache.

  All of this is true, yet I still feel somehow disassociated from my own body.

  Plus, I’m hungover.

  I stand up and realize now that my clothes are still on, meaning that I must have simply fallen flat on the bed and passed out at some point during the previous evening. When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I see that my hair is disheveled and messy, my eyes red as they struggle to focus.

  I pull open the door of my bedroom and head out into the living quarters to see what’s what, immediately finding my roommate, Krissy Buttmore, sitting on the couch with her attention glued to the television.

  “What happened last night?” I ask her, rubbing my eyes. “My head is killing me.”

  Krissy glances over, looking much less disheveled then me but just as distressed. “It’s all going to hell,” my roommate informs me bluntly.

  “What is?” I question.

  Krissy’s expression quickly changes to one of confusion.

  “I think I blacked out,” I admit. “I have no idea what’s going on.”

  My roommate’s eyes go wide. “You don’t remember the vote? Britain has decided to leave the European Union. Brexit, remember?”

  Suddenly, it all comes flooding back. I remember watching at the local pub as the poll numbers came in, slowly but surly drowning out all hope that I had in a future as part of the EU.

  My spirits crushed, I took to drinking. Everything else is a blur, but at some point I vaguely recall running down the block to the River Thames and throwing a bottle of wine into the water.

  “So we’re leaving the union?” I ask.

  “Yep,” Krissy confirms.

  I let out a long sigh, then look past my friend, out through the open window of our second story apartment and onto the streets of London below. The usual folks are hustling and bustling about, continuing on their merry way as if nothing out of the ordinary had even happened.

  “Seems like everything’s… fine,” I tell Krissy. I’m not exactly sure what I expected after my night of alcohol fueled depression and sociopolitical terror, but this isn’t it.

  “The pound is losing value fast,” Krissy notifies me. “It’s in free fall. The whole economy is bound to collapse.”

  I hear the words that she’s saying, and I completely understand that they should strike even more fear into my heart, but for some reason they don’t. Maybe all of the anger and frustration was purged from my system the night before, because right now I don’t really feel much of anything.

  “I’m gonna go for a walk,” I tell my roommate, trying to make it sound like I’ve got some kind of emotional steam valve to let off, but really just not knowing what else to do with myself.

  Without another word, I turn around and grab my coat, heading down the stairs and out onto the busy streets. I immediately take a left and head towards the river, to the same vague spot that I had somehow ended up the night before.

  I can’t help but notice how excruciatingly normal everything seems. Across the street two handsome men are walking a dog together, while a Kabob shop to my left serves up some hungry customers. I see busses, I see taxis, I see everything that I would expect to see despite these dire warnings of economic collapse.

  When I finally reach the edge of the River Thames I find a nice quiet bench and take a seat, looking out across the deep blue water and to the seemingly endless grey sky above. While some people might find the dreariness of today unsettling, I find it deeply comforting, yet another sign that some things just never change.

  Across the waves of the river I can see Parliament, and I can’t help but wonder what kind of heads are rolling over there right now. I’m sure there is some kind of political chaos underway, but I’m certain it will work itself out.

  Finally feeling connected to my own body once again, I lean back into the bench and let out a long sigh, closing my eyes as sweet relief washes over my body.

  Suddenly, there is a deafeningly loud crackle of lighting in front of me, causing me to nearly fall out of my seat as I let out a cry of surprise. Floating some two or three feet above the sidewalk is a black and blue seam of electricity, a hovering slit in the fabric of space and time that pours outward with a sizzling heat.

  “Alex!” calls a voice from beyond the strange universal rift. I can barely make out the figures shape, but it appears to be a massive, sentient coin; one pound to be exact.

  “Hello?” I question, shielding my eyes from the electrical storm that appears to be occurring right before me. “Who are you?”

  “There’s no time!” yells the giant coin from the other side of the rift. “Come with me!”

  I’m utterly horrified and, if I’m going to be honest, my first instinct is to immediately turn around and run away. It’s only then that I notice something brilliant and burning through the hole in space-time. Within the rift I can see The Parliament, or what used to be The Parliament, as the entire building roars with a towering flame.

  “Is that what it looks like?” I call out.

  “Yes!” screams the giant sentient coin. “We need your help, Alex. I can’t hold this open much longer!”

  Suddenly, all of the fear leaves and is replaced with a powerful, frantic energy. Britain needs me!

  Without another thought, I jump up from the bench and run forward, diving through the trans universal slice and ending up carried to a hellish landscape of fire and smoke on the other side.

  “Where am I?” I ask this mysterious pound. “What’s happening?”

  “You’re in the future,” explains the giant sentient monetary instrument, “but it’s not safe here. Follow me!”

  The pound takes off floating along the edge of the River, which I now see is blood red and bubbling like the lava of a molten volcano. Many of the once familiar buildings are gone, while others still burn in behemoth pylons of flame. Strange creatures circle the sky in red uniforms with large black hats, dressed the Queen’s Guard but with leathery reptilian wings and extended knifelike teeth.

  “How long has it been?” I ask the living pound as we hustle along. “Seventy years? Eighty?”

  “It’s been a month,” the sentient currency tells me.

  “A month,” I stammer, “but, how did this happen?”

  Suddenly, bullets strike in rapid succession across the ground beside us, fired from above by one of the monstrous winged guardsmen.

  “This way!” The floating coin shouts, leading me past the wreckage of a toppled four-story bus. The pound sees me looking at the strange vehicle and offers a quick explanation. “To make up for lost revenue we invested in four story busses instead of the traditional double-decker. They were too top heavy and started tipping over everywhere. It was utter panic in the streets.”

  “What about the guards?” I question.

  “The government couldn’t afford to pay the Queen’s Guards anymore so
we used these unfinished snake and bat hybrids that MI5 has been developing,” explains the coin. “It was not a good idea.”

  “I can see that,” I tell him. Of course, what I am most curious about is how the future managed to create a massive, living, breathing pound, but I say nothing.

  Finally, the two of us find an abandoned pub to duck into, hidden from the strange uniformed monsters who circle menacingly in the dark sky above. The coin slams the door behind us and locks it, then staggers over to the bar and grabs a bottle from behind the counter, pouring himself a drink.

  “You want some?” the living economic unit asks.

  I nod. “Sure thing.”

  The coin pours two glasses and hands one to me, then takes a seat at a nearby table. I follow his lead, sitting in the chair across from him and taking a long sip from my glass. The pub is eerily quiet, utterly devoid of any patrons.

  “What’s your name?” I finally question, breaking the silence.

  “Perber,” offers the coin. “I already know yours, though.”

  “How?” I continue.

  Perber pulls out a wine bottle from under the table and uncorks it, then lets a rolled up letter fall out between us. He unfurls it and hands it over to me. “Look familiar?” the sentient pound asks.

  It doesn’t, but I don’t say anything, just take the page and read aloud. “Dear future Brits,” I begin. “I’m so sorry, we really messed up. If anyone in the future finds this, please know that if I could go back and change the way things worked out, I would. Whoa, I’m so drunk right now. Oh well.” I stop abruptly, finding my own name scribbled at the bottom.

  “Do you remember writing that and tossing it in the river?” asks Perber.

  I hesitate, and then finally decide to answer honestly. “I was pretty drunk.”

  The coin looks a little concerned but pushes that expression away as quickly as it arrives. He tries to change the subject. “So I’m sure you’re wondering how we all became giant, floating coins, huh?” the pound asks me.

  “Actually, yeah,” I confess. “Did you just say all?”

  The pound nods.

  “As in, everyone became coins, not just you?” I continue.

  “The pound lost so much value that we had to make up for it by becoming pounds ourselves,” Perber explains.

  “That doesn’t really make any sense,” I tell him.

  “None of this makes any sense,” the coin counters, “but it’s all we’ve got left. You’re all we’ve goy left.”

  I take a long sip from my drink, finishing the whole thing in one gulp and then slamming the glass down on the table. “What do you need me to do?” I question.

  “You need to go back to the past and warn them,” explains Perber. “We’ll send you back months before the vote and you can get the word out; about the four story busses, the winged monsters, the living coins. They’ll have no choice but to vote to stay in the European Union.”

  “I don’t know if they’re going to believe me,” I inform the coin. “Besides, if I go back and prevent the vote from happening, then I won’t know to come back and prevent it in the first place. It’s a loop, it doesn’t make any sense.”

  Perber shakes from side to side. “No, no,” the living coin counters, “It just creates a new timeline. This one will still exist, but at least you’ll be saving the others.”

  “Still,” I argue, “nobody will believe me… unless you come back with me.”

  I see a twinkle in Perber’s eye as he hears this. “You think?”

  “Absolutely,” I tell him, standing up from my chair with a renewed faith in our plan. “Alright, let’s get started, how do we do this?”

  “Love,” explains the coin. “All you need is love.”

  I stand there in silence, just staring at Perber as I wait for him to explain himself.

  “We need to make love to each other,” the coin continues.

  “What?” I blurt, in utter shock.

  The coin nods.

  “Then how’d you come back and get me?” I question.

  “That was love, as well,” offers the living pound, “the love of my country. Love is the most powerful force in any universe, capable of transcending space and time. Unfortunately, I’ve already used that particular patriotic form of love. Now we need to harness a different kind.”

  None of this makes even the slightest bit of sense, but there is something about the way that this massive sentient pound carries himself that actually makes me kind of excited about the prospect of learning to love him. There is no denying just how handsome he is with that perfectly circular, ridged edge, and his flat golden surface that glints under the dim pub light. I’ve never experience sexual feelings for another male before, but right now there is no denying the way that my heart beat quickens, the way that I yearn for his powerful, monetary unit touch.

  “I think you might be on to something,” I finally offer, walking around the table and pressing myself up against the massive coin. I run my hands up and down across his cool surface, taking note of every subtle edge and texture.

  My cock is quickly stiffening within my pants, growing harder and harder with every passing moment as I wallow in the presence of this beautiful currency.

  Suddenly, I just can’t help myself any longer. I drop to my knees and take the coin’s cock in my hand, a thick golden rod that has somehow emerged from Perber’s front.

  “Whoa, look at that,” I gush, taking in the massive size of his monetary rod.

  I pump my hand up and down his length for a while, faster and faster as I go until finally I open wide and swallow the entire thing into my mouth. I wrap my lips around his cock and then push down as far as I can go, retching slightly as I hit the edge of my gag reflex and then pulling back with a stutter.

  I try my best to collect myself, wiping the spit from my mouth as I give the coin a playful wink. “Sorry about that, this is my first time,” I tell him. “I guess this socioeconomic disaster has had at least one upside… It’s turned me gay.”

  My second attempt at a deep throat goes much better than the first. This time, I’m somehow able to relax enough to allow the sentient pound’s massive rod all that way down to the hilt, stopping only when my face presses up hard against his incredible set of chiseled metallic abs.

  Perber lets out a long, satisfied moan, tilted back as the sound vibrates through his entire body.

  I love giving him pleasure, welcoming him into my body like he’s welcomed me into this horrific timeline. I am here to guide him as he guides me, showing him the deepest darkest parts of my soul and baring it all.

  When I’ve finally run out of air I pull back with an enormous gasp, aching to take things to the next level.

  “I want you to fuck me,” I tell the living coin. “I want you to fuck me up my tight gay ass, just like we’ve all fucked ourselves with this vote!”

  Perber smiles. “With pleasure.”

  The coin helps lift me to my feet and then immediately spins me around with his powerful currency arms. He pushes me up to the bar and bends me over it roughly, tearing down my pants and underwear before aligning his massive dick with the tightly puckered rim of my exposed backdoor.

  “Oh my god,” I groan. “Pound me, pound! Just do it!”

  The massive sentient coin teases me for a bit longer, playfully exploring the tension of my anal rim before finally pushing down inside of me in one long, powerful swoop.

  I let out a deep, drawn out groan, my body struggling to adjust to the incredible size of his thick member. My asshole is completely stretched to the brink, feeling as though it’s about to break in half as the incredible pound behind me starts to slowly move his hips.

  He’s allowing me to learn his cock, giving our bodies time to connect as he slowly but surely pumps faster into me. Eventually, all of the discomfort that I once felt while taking his massive rod has slipped away, evolving into something else entirely. Soon every thump of the coin against my backside sends a shiver of p
leasure up my spine, the tightness of my butthole feeling full but not quite overwhelmed.

  “Harder,” I tell Perber, the words a little bit under my breath and then once more with feeling. “Harder!”

  The living coin picks up his pace, moving even faster now as he slams against my backside in a ferocious haze of blinding lust.

  “You like that?” Perber demands to know.

  “Oh my god!” I scream, “ I love being pounded by my pound!”

  My hands gripping tightly onto the bar in front of me, I begin to push back against him, thrusting backwards just as hard as he’s pummeling up into my ass. My eyes roll back in my head and I reach down between my legs, grabbing ahold of my hanging cock and beginning to beat myself off in time with his movements.

  Soon enough, I can feel myself approaching the edge of orgasm, but before I have a chance to make it there the handsome coin pulls out of me and gives me a hard slap on the ass.

  “Over here,” the sentient currency commands. The coin lies down flat against the bar floor, the only relief on his otherwise even surface a massive tower dick that he coaxes me over to.

  I do as I’m told, approaching the handsome pound as I remove the rest of my clothing, tossing it to the side as I come to a stop over the enormous circular object. Carefully, I lower myself down into a squat, aligning my butthole with the pound’s enormous cock and then, eventually, impaling myself along his length. Even though I’m the one doing the moving here, I still let out a surprised yelp as Perber’s shaft enters me, not entirely accustomed to his thick British banger.

  Now I’m riding him, swooping my body across the pound’s flat surface in a series of firm movements of the hip. My cock bounces in front of me with every slam, hard but wild as it twirls in the air like a helicopter.

  “Our love transcends space and time!” I cry out. “Love is all you need! Love is all you need!”

  Faster and faster I go, riding the living monetary instrument with everything I’ve got. It’s not long before I feel a strange and unfamiliar sensation begin to boil up from somewhere deep inside of me, simmering just below the surface as it begins to make it’s way through my veins. I feel as though I’m about to cum harder than I ever have in my life, but not in the same old way that I’ve grown accustomed to. This is something different, something much more anal.