Love Notes ((Book Two of the Heartbeat Series))

by Renee Lee Fisher

  My hospital room door opened slowly and as I could see the movement outside in the hall, my eyes stopped dead on the person entering to see me. Killjoy stood there, what a beautiful girl she was. She stood at the door cautiously and then stepped closer to my bed. I stared at her in disbelief that she would come in here so candidly. She leaned in to me to hug me. “What are you doing here?” I asked her sternly. Killjoy backed up and looked at me confused. “I think you need to leave my room right now, please just leave me” I continued in my strained voice.

  Killjoy responded, “We’ve all been so worried about you, I can understand that you are not yourself. We care so much about you.” I could hear her but my head was slamming. How could she possibly care for me? She doesn’t even know me Perhaps it’s that she cares for Rand as I clearly saw that as she hugged him tightly on stage. I recalled seeing her all too clearly as she took her tongue to his neck and wrapped her legs around him in romantic bond, oh yeah, as my mind went wild. I was convinced all she cared about was Rand. Killjoy spoke quietly, “Madison I will check back in on you,” she smiled at me, but what struck me the worst was she came close to my bedside and took my hand and bent over and took hold of my wrist and held it close to her in a tender moment. I turned away from her, I could not look into her attractive eyes, and I couldn’t even give her another glance.

  As she left my room and the door closed tightly, the bathroom door opened and Rand stepped in shaking his wet hair from side to side. “I heard voices, did the doctor come in?” he asked.

  “No, no one was here,” I slowly told him. He reached over to his bag and took out his cell phone. I watched him as he sent a quick text and then he placed it back in his bag. I didn’t say anything to him. I really did not want to know if he was texting her, the very attractive Killjoy, that I just happened to have the pleasure of speaking with up close and personal. Believe me, she was more stunning up close than she was on the videos and the internet. I could see why a man would want to have her and why everyone but me seemed to know who she was.

  “Love, what can I get you?” Rand asked and came close and sat on my bedside. I smiled at him and I knew I needed to address my conclusions about him and Killjoy and the sooner the better. I cleared my sore throat, “What I would love, suddenly seems I can’t have, but I would kill for real food. But Rand, I need to ask you this, why you did this to me?” Rand looked at me and scrunched his brow on his handsome face with question. “What did I do?” He looked stunned and still confused.

  “Well as I see it, you need me to issue you the free pass to leave me to be with Killjoy, and perhaps my accident interrupted your plans.” As I spoke my heart clenched and the tears began to pour down my face. I could not hold the steady stream of them back. The dam broke and I cried so hard. I tightened my fists digging my nails into my skin, and whimpered, “I hurt so bad Rand, so very bad.”

  Rand looked at me, “Babe hold on I’ll go get the doctor.”

  “Rand, no, the doctor can’t help me. My hurt is from you…you are breaking my heart.” Rand still searching my face for answers and his expression stunned. Here I was letting him know that I could see he wanted to be with her as I had seen it displayed in their actions together. “What the hell are you talking about Madison? You have me at a complete loss here?”

  I started to sit up and pain winced through my head but I had to make my stand, “Do I really need to spell it out? I have seen you with Killjoy! I have seen the video from your concert, those images I cannot get out of my head. I have seen you here in this room with your arms wrapped around her. I think you should leave now, please just leave,” I felt completely worn-out.

  Still looking at me perplexed, his eyes seemed to change from bright blue to gray. “Madison, don’t shut me out.” He then raised his voice “Let me explain, you have no idea what’s…”

  I quickly taped that down stopping him in mid sentence and told him, “I would rather you not say anything more. I do not need you to spell it out for me. Just leave me alone!” Rand shook his head and fired back at me, “Madison you are so head strong and COMPLETELY WRONG!” Then he walked wordlessly toward the door, the door to exit him from my room. Without another word, he raked his hands roughly through his damp hair and left my room, and didn’t look back. When the door shut behind him, I lost control. I began to sob and I got so upset my breathing was rasping. I rang the nurse’s button on my bedside. I clenched my fists in the sheets and shed more tears than I ever thought I could. The door sprang open and a nurse rushed in to my side and she told me calmly to breathe slowly and calm myself. After a few moments I felt a bit better and she left to get me something stronger to relax me. Just as my breath had calmed and I thought she returned, I looked up to see the vision of the lovely Killjoy and handsome Rand hand in hand coming into my room. “I cannot do this!” I hoarsely shrieked out at them.

  They came closer as they both continued staring at me. “Please leave. Can’t you see I’m upset? It’s because of you.” Rand leaned into me and put his finger firmly to my lip and said “Madison, I think that since you hit your head it’s made your thinking delusional. Now, you’re going to listen to me, to us, very carefully. There’s one thing happening with Killjoy and I and it’s playing music.”

  “Madison really there is nothing, and Rand is so hot but nothing is going to happen with us,” Killjoy shared. I turned away from them not wanting to listen any further but Rand continued to speak and in a calm manner to me like I was a child and needed to listen. Rand turned my face back to see his eyes, “Killjoy, is here because I have talked to her about nothing else but you these past weeks. Killjoy and I are friends and it would never work with her and me. I will admit, she is beautiful, sexy and can bang the shit out of the drums and can carry a great tune with me. I know she is standing here as I tell you this, I enjoyed jamming with her, she makes great music, but that is where it ends because Killjoy likes girls. And even when you act like this, I still love only you.”

  “She likes girls?” I gasped out of my mouth, shocked and slightly embarrassed. “Yes, she does and on our flight here to get to you she said she wanted to meet you in person. She wanted to meet the woman that I had come to love so much and could never stop talking about. I love you Madison. Do you get that?”

  I had been so stupid. I had jumped all over them and it was the furthest thing that I could have created in my mind. I was relieved but so insecure. Killjoy came to the other side of the bed and took hold of my hand. “Madison, I’m sorry about what you thought. You can call me Joy. My real name is Joy Kildare.” She patted my hand softly. As she laid my hand back down, she then touched my face with her fingers curved in such a delicate manner. I felt horrible as I had thought the worst of her, and here was this kindhearted girl reaching out to me. Immediately she pulled up a chair and dove right into very animated stories that Rand had told her about me.

  “Madison, sometimes Rand doesn’t come up for air when he’s speaking of you. Let me tell you, if he ever treats you wrong, I will make you like women and be there to pick up the pieces,” and she gave me a wink. I had to laugh and it did hurt to laugh. Rand looked at me and felt relief and it shown on his face and he knew I believed him. Killjoy said she was so happy to have met me and wanted to give us some quiet time and if it was alright with me that she would come back to visit later. As she was exiting the door, the nurse returned to give me some medication and I was already tightly embraced in Rand’s arms. I cried again, but happy tears, and he rocked me back and forth. Rand told the nurse I was going to be okay, it was a combination of the accident, the surgery, the medication and some crazy thoughts that took over, but that I was going to be okay. She smiled and left us alone.

  “I cannot tell you how sorry I feel that I made a fool out of myself, I tore Killjoy apart and above all I doubted you.” I hung my head low after I spoke.

  Rand lifted my chin and said, “You think you can get rid of me that easy? I love you and you look so beautifully desperate when y
ou doubt me. I told you this before. I love you so much, but…I thought I lost you. I thought I was going to lose you and I didn’t think I could ever go on. I beat myself up that I would never forgive myself for not being with you while you were in such pain. This past week was a very dark place for me while you were sleeping. I tried to be positive and hopeful, but I also have had a track record of losing the women I loved in my life such as my mother and sister, and I don’t pray often but I prayed to whatever force above or whoever would hear my prayers, to bring you back to me and make you well.”

  My head ached from the accident and I added to it by crying. My eyes stung from the tears and I wanted to escape from thinking the worst of him, “Hey can you promise me something?”

  Rand said, “Yes, anything my love since I think this means you are keeping me.”

  “Can you promise to bring me a tuna melt and some kind of yummy dessert besides you? You’ll have to sneak it in since they have me on some crazy diet.”

  Rand kissed me and in between our lips touching he answered me punctuating each word with a kiss. “I. Will. Get. You. A. Sandwich. And. Anything. Else.” And with that we did not stop kissing for an extensive amount of time.

  When Rand left to go out for a bit he assured me that he would be back very soon. I wanted an update on Jillian and he promised me that he would go check on her and Raeford would surely be by as well to fill me in. I still had a thought in the back of my mind about the doctor saying a baby was lost. I hoped that later in the afternoon I would get the moment to confess that to Rand after I had regained some strength and maybe could ask about this when my doctor did his rounds. As he left, he ducked back again to blow me a kiss, and I raised my arm slightly to catch it. My heart tugged and it was a good feeling. I let out a sigh and reached for the remote to watch the television to pass the time. As I surfed through the channels, I heard a light tap on the door. I yelled, “Come in.” Killjoy entered and smiled at me. “Are you sure you want me to come in? Rand passed me in the waiting room and told me you were resting but he had to go out for a bit. I didn’t want you to be alone.” Killjoy gingerly spoke.

  She had such loveliness to her. I extended my hand to her and she came to claim it and sat with me and held my hand for the longest time. I knew if she liked men and I wasn’t in Rand’s life that surely he would have chosen someone like her. Although she looked rougher on stage with the makeup and wardrobe that she rocked, here she was simply beautiful, dazzling, and very kind and sexual with her touches and mannerisms. She made me feel comfortable conversing with her. Time flew by and at one point Raeford popped in and hung out for a while with us. He said Jillian was doing better, she had sustained injuries that left her in her bed but maybe I could be wheeled to see her soon.

  Raeford and Killjoy shared with me that when they received the call that there was an accident they thought the worst and they didn’t know how to tell Rand after he lost his sister so tragically. Raeford admitted that while he was so upset thinking about getting to Jillian, that he had to put on the brave face to keep Rand calmer. Rand was a complete train wreck. He was totally restless on the plane not being able to communicate with anyone until they landed and the unknown was ripping him apart. Killjoy said as they pulled into the hospital parking lot, Rand sprung from the moving vehicle and ran toward the entrance doors.

  “Did I just hear my name? Did I make the Olympic team for fastest sprinter?” Rand chimed in as he came in holding two brown bags and I knew it was food.

  I soothingly held Raeford and kissed his cheek goodbye only for the moment. As I turned from my side where Raeford was standing to say goodbye to Killjoy she just blew a kiss in my direction.

  Rand laughed and asked, “Should I be jealous?” I exchanged a glance with Killjoy and laughed. With us both left alone again he teased and shook brown bag number one in front of me and then smoothed out a napkin over the sliding tray. Rand poured a cup of peach iced tea and then removed a huge tuna melt sandwich from the bag with an exaggerated flourish worthy of a magician. I could see it coming closer to me as he raised the tray up over my bed. As I dug into the sandwich, I made such moans at how good it tasted, and I wanted to finish before a nurse came and stopped me.

  I ate so fast and when I looked up after each bite, Rand seemed amused. “I know I look pathetic, but I am so hungry. Thank you so much for this.” I just finished up and the orderly entered with a lunch tray for me. As he sat it down, I laughed along with Rand. Just when I was going to tell him to take it that I wasn’t hungry, Rand instructed him to leave it and Rand peeked under the plastic cover to reveal the lunch.

  “Green Jell-O cut into squares, soup and two packs of saltines; do you want any of this?” Rand asked me, and I shook my head a definite “no”. Then he said, “I still have another brown bag that you may want if you’re still hungry.” He waved the bag close to me but not opening it up yet for a reveal. Rand was having too much fun and then he finally pulled out a large creamy iced red velvet cupcake.

  “It looks real good, and if you don’t want it, I do.” he remarked.

  “Oh I will so have a red velvet cupcake! Besides it’s my favorite, bring that here.” I spoke lightly but in a happier tone.

  As he lifted the cupcake to me, he taunted me first with a drop of icing on my nose, and I tried anxiously to lick it with the tip of my tongue, this only seemed to excite Rand. I could see the bulge in his tight jeans. As he moved closer to play with me again, teasing me with the sweet treat, my hand skimmed the front of his jeans and I fumbled to undo them to release his apparent straining response. Rand backed up a moment and said, “Patience you, we have a lifetime together.” And when he came in closer again to wipe off the icing with his pinky I saw something that took my eye from the growing fly of his pants to what was dangling on his pinky finger. There spinning around was the most lovely, cushion cut exquisite diamond engagement ring.

  Rand dropped to the side of the bed. I reached around on my covers to grab the bed remote to lower the bed, but it was already at the lowest position. Rand looked up at me and slowly spoke, annunciating each word to me, “Madison, my love, will you never leave me, never scare me that you will leave me, will you stay with me forever and be my wife? I love you so very much!”

  I leaned over the side of the bed and tilted down to him and said, “Yes, yes I will be your wife, you are my entire life, and I won’t ever leave you or frighten you again.” As he slid the ring on my finger I felt for the first time our bond. Deeper than the bond that just sex had brought to us, deeper than the time we’d spent together over the past months.

  He said he planned to propose with a ring when he returned from the tour but that he was not going to wait a moment more. He wanted me to know the depths of his love for me and wanted everyone to know. Rand wanted me to plan a wedding when I felt better and was on the mend. He didn’t want to lose a moment’s time with me ever again. When the nurse popped in to check on me and asked how we were doing, we both in unison said we were doing great. She caught the shimmer of the facets from my engagement ring as it caught the lights above. With a smile on her face she turned and pulled the door shut behind her.

  As I clung to Rand in this moment I knew I had to release myself to address another very important matter.

  He must have seen that I had something to say because he asked, “Now what’s going on in that pretty head? You look scared.” With the calm depths of his blue eyes focused on me I managed to begin to answer him.

  “Rand, I love you so much, but I heard something that affects us both so much. While I was in and out of being conscious, I heard the doctors talking. I clearly heard them say, it was sad that she lost the baby. Did I lose our baby? Tears began stinging my eyes I let out, “Was I, or were we pregnant?” I let out a choking sound of air and my tears spilled from my eyes.

  “No, no Madison we did not lose a baby…Jillian did.” My heart stopped, I never knew she was pregnant, but I remembered that she told me on our fated walk that she
needed to share something private with me.

  I yelled out, “How are they, I need to see her, how is Raeford? He never shared this with me when he came to see me.” Rand cupped my chin and the wetness of my flowing tears skipped across his fingers, “If it was us and our baby, I know I would be broken, we’d be devastated.” Without any words, I slowly shook my head to agree with him. The sadness of her news spread through me, and joined the pain of my already tired body. Even trying to move and sit up was still uncomfortable. I knew I had to push past this and get stronger so they would take me to visit her. I knew I needed to be with her.

  As I laid back to rest from what was the most exhausting day thus far from my bodily pain, my drama and all the excitement in my heart for my engagement, my thoughts and prayers were silently being sent to the other hospital room where Jillian was lying and I was certain Raeford was by her side.

  Several hours later, my door opened and Killjoy popped in and asked, “Are you both good?”

  We looked at her, I was feeling rested and my eyes had dried from earlier, and I flicked my ring finger. “Oh, I’m better than good,” I smiled.

  “It’s beautiful, I knew he was going to do this but didn’t know when,” Killjoy happily said “Hey let me leave and guard your door so you both can have some real privacy.” Before she left Rand’s lips were crushing toward mine. I had not seen him in so long. As horrible as my body felt, I ached to have him inside of me. I felt the need in his kiss and let him reach under my blanket to find all I had on was a hospital gown that covered three sides of my body. His fingers stretched down to feel me and my legs opened widely at his touch. I knew it would only be seconds with his talented fingers playing along my core leaving me tingling. Then, as he strummed his two fingers inside my folds, I exploded. I called out his name and then tried to muffle the moaning sound in my pillow.