Holy Socks And Dirtier Demons

by J. A. Kazimer

  of pain.

  Fearing for her safety, I rushed in, only to find the blond minister

  holding his bloody nose, and a girl probably no older than sixteen on her

  knees in front of him.

  Lilith helped the girl to her feet, said something in a sharp voice, and

  punched the reverend again, this time in the nuts. He dropped like a brick,

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  eyes rolling back into his head.

  “Jace. Meet the esteemed minister, Adam Just, my sleazy ex-husband

  and all around rat bastard.” She punctuated the statement with a kick to his

  ribs.

  “It’s a pleasure.” I took two steps into the richly decorated room,

  gently closing the door behind the parting teenager. I guess God paid well.

  “So should we ask for his help now or wait until his testes crawl back down

  from his throat?”

  She laughed. “Oh, he’ll help us. Don’t worry about it.” Walking

  around the reverend’s desk, she plopped into his chair and tapped a few keys

  on his computer keyboard.

  I took the time to study Adam. He wasn’t what I had expected. The

  bad-boy, Samuel, from last night’s beat-down seemed much more Lilith’s

  style. This guy looked like every mother’s wet dream, an MBA with good

  genes and a healthy disposable income. He was older than Lilith too, much

  older, maybe mid-forties.

  “How long were you married?” I bent down, and lifted Adam’s

  eyelid. Whiteness stared back.

  “Less than two months,” she responded. “I came home and found

  him fucking a girl five years younger than me, and worse, she was enjoying

  his fumbling a hell of a lot more than I ever did.”

  “Ouch.”

  She shook her head. “You know what I got in the divorce settlement?

  A burial plot in Hebron. That’s it. I get to spend all eternity planted next to

  this asshole.” Her fingers waved to the floor and the man groaning on it.

  “And his trophy wife, Eve, who—get this—changed her name from Emily so

  they could create a religious empire.”

  “I hear Hebron’s nice this time of year.” I tried for funny, but the

  glare she shot me said I missed the mark. “So if he’s such a prick. Why are

  we here?”

  “Never underestimate the faithful. In this case, I mean the morons

  who hang on Adam’s every word. They are like an army of informants, all

  ready to squeal on thy neighbor at the drop of a hat.”

  “What makes you think they’ll know anything about the kid?”

  She glanced up at me, speaking slowly as if to a child. “What makes

  you think they won’t?”

  My lips tightened. “Before we go any further, you have to promise

  me something.”

  She nodded, looking like a little girl playing dress up, who is not

  quite sure how to walk in high heels.

  “No more answering questions with a question. From now on, when I

  ask you something, I want a straight answer. None of this Zen bullshit.”

  Relief flashed in her eyes. “Whatever you say, Grasshopper.”

  I rubbed my chin, debating just how long a stint I would serve if I

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  strangled her, surely not more than twenty years. Hell, with God as a

  character witness I might get out in ten.

  Beep.

  The desktop computer drew my attention. Lilith tapped a couple

  more keys. “Bingo.” She hit print, and out shot a flyer with the kid’s picture

  on it.

  “Where did you get that?” I pointed to the paper.

  She tossed her black hair and smirked. “I’m more than just a pretty

  face.”

  I took a menacing step toward her.

  “Fine. Social Services. They keep track of all children in foster care,

  especially those places with… less than desirable foster parents.” She

  emphasized the last part for my benefit.

  Like Social Services, I knew just how undesirable a parent I was. Just

  last week, I fed the kid a box of cat chow for dinner. In my defense, cat was

  spelled kat, like kit-kat, so it was a mistake any parent could make.

  “You hacked the foster care computer?” I wondered what else she

  could do. Maybe erase a few traffic tickets?

  “Not really.” Her eyes sparkled. “Adam runs an orphanage, so his

  computer is linked to the mainframe. I just used his username and password

  to get in.”

  “And how did you know his username and password?”

  “BigManlyMan and GodsRightHand. Real tough. I was married to

  the guy after all.” She pushed from the desk, stood, and wandered to the

  puddle of Adam lying on the floor. “Wake up.” She smacked him on the

  forehead, none too lightly.

  “Ahaaaaa.” Adam’s eyes watered, but at least he was conscious.

  “I’m looking for a fourteen-month-old boy, and I need your help.”

  “Fuck you.” He shoved her away.

  Off balance in a pair of six-inch black leather platform boots, Lilith

  teetered before tipping backward onto Adam’s desk. The helpful computer

  flipped off the edge, and crashed onto the floor. Glass shattered and Adam

  shrieked.

  I grabbed Lilith, steadying her before advancing on Adam. He

  labored to his feet, swaying back and forth while gripping his package.

  Being a guy, I felt almost sorry for him. Almost. I smacked my fist

  into his stomach, and he dropped to the floor once more.

  “We’re going to try this again. A child is missing, and you’re going

  to help us find him, or else I’m going to rip you apart.”

  “Who are you?” he wheezed.

  Lilith answered, “Sorry. Adam, you know Nemamiah, the righter of

  injustice, and protector of the innocent. Remember, he destroys evil pricks

  like you who prey on innocence?”

  I choked. That damn name. I raised a questioning eyebrow. If she

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  knew that name, what else did she know? Did she know about the kid? Or

  more importantly, why the hell was the kid given to me for protection? And

  why the fuck everyone believed I was Nemamiah in the first place? I decided

  to play along, acting the angel part even if it dammed me.

  “Now is not the time.” Her eyes bore into my quizzical ones. I gave a

  small nod, letting it go for the moment.

  “Nemamiah? Really?” Adam licked his lips.

  Exposed and dirtied by the look in his eye, I shook my head to rid

  myself of the feeling. What had Lilith seen in this douche? “No, I just go

  around telling people that. Now tell us what you know about the child before

  I—” What did angels do? Blow fire? Play really bad harp music?

  “One of my flock reported seeing a glowing child, but I didn’t pay

  him much mind.” He wiped the drying blood from his face. “He claimed the

  child turned a gallon of milk into whiskey, but what kind of miracle is that?”

  I grinned. I’d taught the kid that trick. “Where did he see the kid?”

  But I answered my own question, thinking back to the news report I heard on

  the radio. “Newark.” Hell’s own lair.

  Lilith’s

  face

  paled.

  “We

  need

  bigger

  guns.”

  36

  Ten

  I drove the Gremlin through
the deserted streets of Newark, New

  Jersey, with trepidation. Lilith, in the seat next to me, flexed her fingers on a

  big-ass gun, a .50 caliber Smith & Wesson Magnum 500 big-ass gun. This

  gun could take out a brick wall, three bodies, and a cow if fired right.

  “It’ll be okay.” I glanced at her for the tenth time, reassuring her

  more than myself. After all, I had nine lives and a moronic angel to watch my

  back. What did Lilith have? Me. Yep, she was good as fucked.

  “Stop saying that!” The crack of her palm against my jeans clad leg

  emphasized her desire for me to shut up. “Let’s just find the child and get the

  hell out of here.”

  While that was my plan, I couldn’t help but think it would be nice to

  know who pulled the strings. Neutralize that threat, and I’d have no more

  worries.

  The obvious answer was Satan, but why? And why now? The Alpha

  and the Omega guaranteed one thing, real estate prices in hell were about to

  skyrocket.

  “Pull in there.” Tapping the Jesus GPS planted in the dashboard of

  her Gremlin, Lilith grinned, and then pointed to a dark underground parking

  garage in the worst section of the city. Even the cops refused to stumble

  around down there.

  I did as she asked, braking hard as we slipped through the concrete

  structure. “You’ll be able to track the kid?”

  She nodded, pulling the Jesus GPS from the dashboard. It resembled

  a cell phone but thinner. We exited the car, taking a minute to adjust to the

  stench of New Jersey, and car exhaust. Once we got our bearings, she booted

  the GPS up, and blinked at the glaring beaming of light that burst from it.

  I jumped back, afraid of being burned by the whiteness. The light

  circled the car, and exploded into fifteen different glowing pinpoints.

  One of the beams shot through my chest. An odd feeling, sort of like

  a caress, but amplified by a couple thousand volts. It wasn’t exactly painful,

  but it also wasn’t a feeling I’d want to repeat. The light winked out after a

  few seconds, and I felt saddened by the departure.

  37

  “What the hell was that?” I rubbed at the place where human had met

  flashlight.

  “Have you ever heard the saying: God works in mysterious ways?”

  Lilith smiled, and pointed the tracking device into the air. The beam changed

  from a stream of white lights into one beacon of blue. “He’s close.”

  A trace of sulfur swirled around us. “He’s not the only one. Move it.”

  I pushed Lilith toward the underground elevator, but it was too late.

  Five demons appeared. Pishachas, or Hindu demons by the look of

  them. Bulging veins, red eyes, and the stench of curry swirled around them

  like a chorus line in a Bollywood musical.

  “Liyliyth.” They danced in unison, tails wagging. “We missed you.”

  “Friends of yours?” I gestured to Lilith and pulled my nine-

  millimeter. Not that a gun would do a damn bit of good, but it would give me

  a small measure of comfort as my limbs were ripped from my body.

  Boom.

  Sparks flew from the barrel of Lilith’s gun. The weapon recoiled,

  sending Lilith flying across the pavement. She hit the ground with a squeak.

  I glanced from Lilith, sprawled unladylike on the ground, to the

  Pishachas. One of the cuter demons wore a watermelon-sized hole in her

  torso, directly below her heart. Blackness seeped from the wound, rising into

  the air like mid-afternoon pollution.

  A wail screeched from the remaining demons, a loud piercing cry of

  grief and hate. I blocked my ears, but the sound bounced around my

  brainpan.

  “Shut up.” From her position on the ground, Lilith fired three more

  rounds. The bullets struck true, but the demons didn’t fall. Instead, they

  moved closer.

  I flipped through my mental good versus evil training manual. A

  manual reluctantly provided by the angel after he arrived at my door, baby

  Jesus in his heavenly arms. Thankfully, Hades had supplemented my reading

  with demon lessons, and booze.

  Let’s see, there was: Paimon, Pazuzu, Penemue, Phenex... Damn, too

  many fucking demons. Too many hangovers.

  Pishachas.

  Bingo.

  Now how did I stop them?

  “Aum Aem Khreem Kleem Chamundaya Vich.” Lilith stumbled to

  her feet as she chanted the words. Her voice grew stronger with each

  incantation, and the demons slowly backed away.

  I translated in my head. The mantra equated to killing ones enemies,

  and bringing great happiness to ones friends.

  Oh, that wasn’t good. A burning started in my lower body, like

  flames licking along my clothing, until an intense pressure inside me

  exploded.

  38

  “Shut the fuck up,” I ordered Lilith seconds before it was too late.

  She stuck out her tongue and repeated the curse, “Aum Aem Khreem

  Kleem Chamundaya Vich.”

  Poof.

  In a puff of curry-based smoke, the demons vanished as quickly as

  they had appeared. But it was too late for me. I fell to the concrete in an

  exhausted heap, my breath coming in short gasps.

  Lilith ran to me, her hands still grasping her big-ass gun. “Are you all

  right?”

  I shook my head, trying to catch my breath as I hovered in the place

  between life and death, better known as the afterglow. My heavy eyes closed,

  and a soft snore escaped my lips.

  Her hands grabbed my shoulders and shook me, hard. “Damn it,

  Jace. Answer me. Are you okay?”

  “Damn it Lilith, don’t ever do that again.” Embarrassment, a new

  feeling for me, heated my face. I hadn’t cum in my pants since fifth grade

  when my eighth grade girlfriend had cupped my nuts at recess.

  “Come on, at least you had a happy ending.” She pulled me to my

  feet, my blood slowly leaking back into my brain. She added, glancing

  around the parking garage, “Besides, the demons are gone, and you’re no

  worse for wear.” Her lips formed a wicked grin. “Maybe you should thank

  me.”

  “Yeah, right. Find the kid and I’ll give you plenty of thanks.” I

  picked up the blue beamed tracking device and followed the intense glow

  down the street.

  39

  Eleven

  Zap. A pulse of electricity shot through my hand, the handheld Jesus

  finder cupped inside of it. The light winked out, and darkness swallowed

  Lilith and me. “What happened?” I asked, my hand slipping to my nine-

  millimeter.

  “He’s here.” Lilith dropped to her knees and caressed the ground.

  “Where? I don’t see shit.” Trash, not Jesus, littered the ground.

  Condoms, needles, and cigarette butts, yes, but no tiny Messiah.

  She cocked her head and sniffed the air. “Do you smell that?”

  I inhaled sharply and smirked. New Baby Jesus smell. A mixture of

  baby puke, carrot sticks, and purity. The kid was close. “Hey kid, where you

  at?”

  No response.

  “J.C., it’s all right, sweetheart. We are here to help you.” Lilith

  circled the sidewalk, kicking at the bushes as if she was searching for a

  wayward cat.
Here Messiah, here Messiah.

  “He is gone.” The angel appeared suddenly, looking like he had been

  run over by a truck. “No, a bulldozer if you must know,” he said with a huff.

  “Where did he go?” Lilith shook a fist at the angel.

  He visibly swallowed. “I cannot say.” Smack. “Owww! Fine. His

  captors took him some place safer. Newark is no place for a child.”

  “Where?” I glanced at the angel before focusing on the three gang

  members circling us like prey. And why not? A hot girl, a guy with cum-

  stained jeans, and a freak in hair rollers and a white robe made for tempting

  victims.

  The angel rolled his eyes. “The kidnappers went home.”

  Home? Was that Heaven or New York?

  A flash of lightening in the distance highlighted the New York

  skyline and answered that question.

  “Thanks for the help,” I told the angel as I took Lilith’s hand.

  “Thanks would not be necessary,” the angel sneered, “if you would

  do a better job.”

  I smiled and waved to one of the gangbangers. “That dude in white

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  just called you a pussy.”

  The angel’s mouth dropped open, and Lilith and I disappeared down

  the street.

  ~ * ~

  Smoke flared around my head. I waved it away and examined the

  woman next to me. God, she was a beauty. Mystery. Danger. Evil. Snakes.

  Medusa winked at me, and I turned back to Lilith, who was seated a bar stool

  away. The Underworld seemed like the perfect place to drink our

  disappointments away.

  “What’s plan B?” I took a long drink of my Heineken, rolling the

  mellow flavor along my tongue and down my throat.

  “Do you have a plan B, because I sure as hell don’t.” She lit another

  cigarette, ignoring the one already burning in the ashtray in front of her.

  “We will find him.” Why I wanted to console her was beyond me,

  but I did. Pulling her into my arms, I stroked the scar on the back of her neck.

  “Trust me. I will not let you or him down.”

  She grinned, but shoved me away. “I know. It’s in your blood. You

  can’t help it. God’s chosen one.” Her smile grew grim. “But I’m not all that

  innocent, Jace, and you’re not invincible.”

  Passion flared between us as my fingers caressed her face. “I’m no