by J. H. Croix
“Pretty good. I think.”
Tucker’s eyes took on a glint. “Keep them good. Don’t let this shit get in the way.”
“What the hell do you mean by that?” I returned, defensiveness flaring inside.
“I mean, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why you’ve got problems with commitment, or used to. Your mom has been a flake in every important relationship in her life. It’s no wonder it’s hard for you to believe it can work out.”
“Damn,” I muttered. “I don’t need to be psychoanalyzed by you, or anyone else for that matter. Things are good with Nora, and they’re going to stay that way.”
“Chill out. I wasn’t trying to piss you off, just making an observation. My sister always says you have to understand your past to make things better in the future.”
I opened my mouth to counter that, and he chuckled. “Dude, she’s a therapist. She knows shit like that.”
I rolled my shoulders and took another swallow of beer. “Fine. I’ll work on understanding my past,” I offered dryly.
Later that night, when I texted Nora to tell her I wanted to come by, she replied she wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to give me her cold.
I wanted to argue the point, but she read my mind from a distance. Getting sick is stupid.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Nora
I got a nasty cold that lasted over a week. Preferring not to pass it on to guests who were traveling and ruin their vacation with a cold, we shuffled the schedule around so I didn’t handle any flights. I mostly holed up in my place. Gabriel stopped by a few times, but it was impossible for him not to notice I was sick. He was sweet, though, and delivered some homemade chicken and dumpling soup, made especially for me by Daphne.
When I finally started to feel better, I ventured into town to run some errands one afternoon. I was making my way through the grocery store when I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise and a pleasant shiver chase down my spine. The sound of Gabriel’s voice the next aisle over set me off.
I felt good enough to speed up, bringing my cart around the end of the aisle and turning it into the one where he was. He was standing about halfway down, one hand hooked in his pocket as he spoke on the phone.
Just as I reached him, I heard him say, “No problem, Mom. I gotta go. I’m at the store.”
He slipped his phone in his pocket just as he looked up and saw me approaching. When one corner of his mouth kicked up in a slow smile, my belly executed a quick flip, and butterflies tickled the inside. The rapid tap of my pulse sped when I stopped in front of him.
“Hey there,” he murmured, his voice low and intimate. “Rumor has it you’re flying tomorrow.”
“Uh, yeah,” I said slowly. “I texted you about the flight schedule this morning.”
His eyes skated over my face. “I’m glad you feel better.”
“Same here,” I replied, stating the obvious. “How’s your mom?”
The moment I asked that question, his entire demeanor shifted. His gaze shuttered, and he shrugged, feigning nonchalance. The tightness around his eyes and the set of his shoulders gave away his instant tension. “Fine.” His tone was sharp, clearly putting an end to this topic of conversation.
Maybe it was because I’d been sick for a week, maybe it was because I missed him, or maybe it was because I picked the absolute worst time to start a conversation about something that mattered, but I snapped at him.
“You know, if we’re really going to try to do this, we have to be able to talk about uncomfortable things. I understand what it’s like to have a parent who’s mostly absent.”
Gabriel just stared at me, and when he shrugged again, that annoyed the hell out of me. “I’d prefer not to talk about it here,” he finally said.
Feeling peevish, I shrugged. “Fine. I’ll be at dinner at the resort tonight.”
Somehow, we moved past that little stumbling block I’d unintentionally created. He finished shopping with me and even helped me load the groceries in the truck. Just before I climbed in, he kissed me, pressing his forehead to mine briefly. “Do I get to do more than bring you chicken soup tonight?”
I felt the curve of his smile against my lips. “Yes,” I whispered.
Dinner at the resort was the usual controlled chaos. We were serving guests tonight, so it was far too busy to relax and hang out. I made my way back to my house early. While I did feel better, I was still tiring easily and was weary from running errands and then helping Daphne and Cat get everything ready for dinner.
Gabriel came over, and it was nice. Not because we had crazy hot sex, but rather because we relaxed in front of the television and just chilled out. I fell asleep curled up against him.
When I woke the following morning, the brief conversation about his mother in the grocery store felt like a grain of sand in my shoe. I had enough sense to know trying to chat about a potentially emotionally loaded topic in the grocery store wasn’t a smart move. But I didn’t want to leave it unspoken. If Gabriel loved me and if we were going to try to do this, we had to be able to talk. Love wasn’t all rainbows and fun.
Maybe I’d never had a good serious relationship, not even close if I was being honest, but I knew making things work wasn’t always easy. As I was prepping the coffee, I decided I would ask Gabriel about his mom again. He’d given me a sketch of her role in his life, or primarily lack thereof, but that was it.
I was sipping my coffee when he emerged from the bedroom after a shower. With his auburn hair darker when it was damp, his green eyes stood out in contrast. No matter the moment, all of my cells cheered at the sight of him.
“Good morning,” I said when he stopped in front of me.
He dipped his head, murmuring against my lips, “Good morning.” He gave me a lingering kiss before drawing back. “Thanks for making coffee.”
He lifted the empty mug I’d set beside the coffee pot and filled it. “I toasted bagels too. You just need to heat the cream cheese. Daphne made a fresh batch yesterday afternoon, so I brought some home with me.”
Not much later, we’d both polished off one of Daphne’s delicious bagels with smoked salmon cream cheese. Living in Alaska and having the benefit of the natural bounty of fresh salmon could be decadent.
Looking across the table at Gabriel, I steeled myself and began, “I know my timing wasn’t good yesterday, but how is your mom? You never talk about her.”
His eyes tightened at the corners, and he pursed his lips before he took a quick sip of coffee. When he looked back over the table at me, he gave a dismissive shrug. “There’s not much to say. She’s fine. Why do you want to talk about her? It’s not like you discuss your father that much.”
His words felt barbed, but I held my ground. “My father’s dead. If he were alive, I’d probably have more to say about him. You know everything there is to know. He was hardly around and cheated on my mom a lot. That about sums it up.”
Gabriel’s eyes searched mine. “My mom is fine. We’re not close,” he finally said.
I didn’t know what it was about this topic, but it felt like it represented something important to us. “I know you’re not close, but why are you so defensive when I ask?”
“I’m not defensive,” he countered, his tone belying his words. It was sharp, pointed, and clearly annoyed.
“How do you know you love me?” I asked next because that was a smart thing to do. I didn’t even know that question had been hovering in my thoughts, but now it was out there.
His eyes widened. “What the hell do you mean? Is this some kind of test? If I don’t bare my soul to you about my mother, then I don’t love you. What the fuck, Nora?”
Anxiety coiled tightly in my chest, and I felt hot and cold simultaneously. “It’s not a test. But how do you know? If we can’t even have a simple conversation about your mother, how are we going to handle things that aren’t easy?”
Gabriel’s eyes widened and then narrowed. “I don’t know how to exp
lain it. I just know I love you. I don’t really understand what’s happening right now,” he muttered.
“You know what? I don’t think you’re ready. Or maybe I’m not ready.” I stood abruptly from the table, an unsteady sensation racing through me as my stomach clenched with dread.
“What do you mean, Nora?” Gabriel stood with me, and we stared at each other across the table.
“I don’t really know. I just know this doesn’t feel right. We need a break.” My words tumbled out.
“A break?”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Gabriel
Nora’s brown eyes were wide, and color flagged high on her cheeks. “Yes, a break. I was already stupid once with you. I don’t want to be stupid again.”
Panic churned in my gut. In the span of only minutes, Nora punched the biggest button I had—my mother. I fucking hated talking about my mother. Now, Nora wanted a break and wanted to know how I knew I loved her? I didn’t even know how to answer that question.
Anger flashed cold and then hot inside me. “Fine. Fuck you. If you don’t want to believe me and you don’t want to give us a chance, then it’s not worth it. I’m not going to grovel for you.”
With anger driving me, I stalked out of her house. The cold frost on the ground crunched under my feet as I walked through the trees. I felt sick inside.
I loved Nora. She didn’t even understand how much I loved her. I didn’t know what to do with her frustration, but I didn’t want to discuss my mom, who had never been there for me and likely never would.
I made my way back to the staff house and grabbed my bag, then headed out for my flights that day.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Nora
“Oh God, it’s a little icy,” Cat said.
“It is, but you’ve got it.”
Cat glanced my way quickly, her eyes wide. “Maybe I should pull over, and you should drive.”
I looked ahead at the perfectly level road. “No, I think you should drive. The speed limit is twenty-five here, and it’s not that icy. You drove over a patch of it because of the shade back there.”
Cat pressed her tongue into the corner of her mouth, something she did when she was stressed and thinking hard. Her hands were clenching the steering wheel.
“Are you sure?”
Although I knew she needed to learn to handle ice when she was driving, if Cat actually fessed up to being nervous, she was really nervous. My little sister was the most stubborn human being I’d ever encountered, and she hated, absolutely detested, admitting she was nervous.
“If you’re not comfortable, just pull over. Up there at the grocery store would be good.”
Cat did as I instructed. Once she was parked, she climbed out as if she were a scalded cat. She practically ran around to the other side of the truck. I hopped out, and we switched seats. I had to slide the driver’s seat forward a little.
“You’re taller than me,” I said with a quick smile in her direction. “When did that happen?”
My sister’s anxiety was already gone, and a wide smile stretched across her face. “I don’t know. You didn’t notice, yet you see me every day. I didn’t even realize.”
“I had to pull the seat up. Not far, but enough to know you’re taller than me now.”
I started driving again. We were on our way back from yoga class and the final planning meeting for Cammi’s wedding, which was scheduled for this coming weekend.
“The thing with ice is to never slam on your brakes,” I explained. “Always tap. You get better traction by slowing down instead of speeding up. If you feel yourself losing traction, just ease your foot off the gas pedal. That gives the tires a minute to catch. I think we should ask Flynn to do with you what he did with Grant and me.”
“What’s that?” Cat asked, her tone dripping with suspicion.
“He took us to an empty parking lot in the winter, and we drove around, practicing getting things under control after skidding. He even made us skid on purpose.”
When I slid my eyes sideways, Cat looked horrified. Her mouth was open, and her eyes were wide. “That’s insane,” she said flatly.
“Not really,” I said with a little shrug. “It’s safe because no one else is around, and you can get the feel of losing control without worrying about everybody around you. That’s how I learned to drive a stick shift.”
“Huh?”
“Because when the road is slick, if you don’t shift properly when the car stutters, you’re likely to keep rolling, so it’s easier to correct. Benefits of living in a cold place,” I added with a chuckle.
“I still think that’s insane.”
“You might think it’s fun. Grant did.”
Cat snorted. “Of course, he did.”
Cat’s phone vibrated from where it sat on the dashboard in front of her. She reached for it, then glanced at the screen. When she lowered the phone, I commented, “You can answer it. I don’t mind.”
“I know.” When she still didn’t answer her phone, I cast my eyes sideways briefly and saw the pink blooming on her cheeks.
“Who is it?” I kept my tone light.
“It’s Julian.”
“Oh?”
Cat let out a put-upon sigh. “Fine. We might be dating.”
“Um, I didn’t even ask if you were dating.” My lips twitched, but I resisted the urge to smile. Cat wouldn’t appreciate that.
“I know, but you were about to.”
“Well, I like Julian,” I said quickly. “Doesn’t he work for the Winters brothers in the summer?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I thought you were already friends. Or am I confused?” I pressed.
The truth was, I was shameless when it came to Cat and dating. She had a sketchy experience with one guy who tried to pressure her, and then her last boyfriend cheated on her. She was already working up to be cynical about relationships, and I didn’t want that to happen to her.
“Yeah, we’re friends. Or maybe more.” Cat sounded young and vulnerable. Even though she was only seventeen, she rarely sounded vulnerable. My heart pinched.
“I don’t understand how to do the dating thing,” she added.
I reached over and squeezed her hand quickly, where it rested on her thigh, before releasing it. “It might seem like other people know what they’re doing, but they usually don’t. Not at that age. Even when we get older, most of us are just stumbling around trying to figure things out.”
“Like you and Gabriel?”
She caught me there. I’d walked right into that one.
I laughed softly, ignoring the stinging burn over my heart. “Point taken. Before you completely shut me out of this conversation, I want to say one thing. Just because some guys are assholes doesn’t mean everyone is. It’s worth trying again.”
“You mean like Dad was an asshole?” Her tone was quiet and almost hesitant, so uncharacteristic of my little sister.
I whipped my gaze to hers as I came to a jerking stop at a stoplight before we turned onto the highway that would lead us home.
“What do you mean?” Somehow, I’d convinced myself that Cat hadn’t been as affected by our father’s unreliable presence in our lives—not to the extent that Flynn, Grant, and I had. She’d been so young when he died.
“I know you guys think I didn’t notice, but of course, I did. Mom was always crying. It was usually better when he wasn’t around. First, Mom would be all mopey. Then she’d get over it and be more like herself. Until he would show up again and make her all kinds of promises. What a dumbass.”
A horn honked behind me, and I looked ahead to see the light had changed to green. I turned onto the highway, keeping my gaze on the road. I carefully considered my words. “Dad couldn’t be reliable. I’m sorry it affected you too. It doesn’t change what I said, though.”
“I know. I’m not scared to try again with someone. Not yet. I’m just a little nervous because Julian’s my friend, and I don’t want to screw that up.”
>
“Smart move. Things can get complicated with friends.”
“Since you brought it up again, can we talk about you and Gabriel?”
I bit the insides of my cheeks for a minute and sighed. “Fine. What do you want to talk about?”
“I think you’re making a mistake. I thought so before,” she said hurriedly.
“What are you talking about?” I was flabbergasted. I had not talked to anyone about my choice to break things off recently. That said, I knew undercurrents were rumbling. I felt them every time I was anywhere near Gabriel.
Cat’s ponytail bounced as she bobbed her head up and down when I glanced her way again. “Yes. I don’t think he knows how to be in a relationship. But neither do you,” she added softly.
My eyes stung, and my throat felt thick. My little sister was getting all grown up and giving me advice about my love life, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
“Well, that’s a fact. I don’t know how to do relationships,” I finally said. “We’re figuring it out, I think.”
Cat wasn’t done with me yet. She pressed on. “I think he’s kind of freaked out by how he feels about you. He’s been awfully cranky since you broke up with him.”
“How do you know I actually broke up with him?” I countered, promptly revealing that I, in fact, had been the one to break things off. Again.
“Because I do. He didn’t say anything, if you’re wondering. I asked Flynn and Daphne if Gabriel said anything, and she said he was heartbroken.”
I groaned. “Oh, my God. I’m gossip at work.”
Cat cast me a wry grin. “That’s what you get for owning a business with your family. We don’t have to keep talking about it. I’m sure you hate it about as much as I hate you giving me advice right now. I’m just saying don’t ruin a good thing.”